Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Hi there, I'm confused about a guy I know whom I suddenly feel like I should avoid at all costs and I really feel like it'd be the right thing to do, but I'm wondering if I'm justified in this If ya don't mind I'd like to relate the story and if anybody reads it any insight gratefully welcomed I feel like it's silly to feel afraid but I do, perhaps it's just because of my upbringing which was abusive or that he sometimes angry and his demeanour is quite arrogant and haughty We first met in February as members of a support group and the members go for coffee afterwards, the first or second time we met he came out with me and another female friend and another male member of the group for a meal and initially became attached to both me and my friend and the three of us started to hang around together a bit, even when he couldn't attend the group he'd meet us afterwards for coffee and stuff which I didn't think much of at the time A few weeks later he asked for my number which was fine and I gave it to him, his texts were pretty casual at first and we didn't speak on the phone much but then we started to speak a bit on the phone and text more and he started to tell me his problems a lot by answer phone and by text message. I was wrapped up in my own stuff a bit unfortunately at the time ( I feel I didn't do enough ) so couldn't always return his calls right away but I did send comforting, helpful texts back and tried to call when I could. I noticed that when I didn't call he would punish me sometimes by ignoring when I called or sending a text if I didn't call on time saying he'd called somebody else and had a really great chat with them, which made me feel quite bad, I guess it planted the seeds that I never did enough for him and stuff Then one evening we went for a drink together ( a friend who was meant to join us arranged it but pulled out at the last minute so it was just me and him ) - the drink was really nice though I wasn't at all attracted to him then. A strange thing I noticed was that at the end of the evening I went to the toilet and when I came out he was standing by the door glaring angrily at me but I brushed it aside and then went home and stuff. He texted the next day and said he had a nice time and I said I did too and things continued as before. But then suddenly he texted me about an obsessive crush he had on a woman and this upset me and I realised actually I was a bit attracted to him. I found it hurtful and distanced myself from him for a bit but he then sent several texts in a row I then started speaking with him again and he said he was going dancing with a friend and would I like to come. I was unable to come due to being exhausted on the day he suggested so said maybe we could meet for a coffee or drink instead. We went for a drink and he told me that it didn't work out with the woman he liked and he had never been that attracted to her anyway. The drink was okay however during the course of it he acted a bit hostile though it started out nice but then he started to act a bit aggressive and as if he was bored by my company looking irritated and arrogant and bored. He also picked a fight with somebody in the pub for speaking too loudly on their phone. It was only later on that I realised when we met he had kissed me on both cheeks when he greeted me which was out of the ordinary and offered to buy me a drink so perhaps he saw it as a date but I didn't think he was interested because he'd told me he was obsessed with someone else Fast forward to the next support group. After that drink he ignored me a few days and then I texted and said I had a nice evening and he said it was good to see me. The support group comes and when I get there he's outside chatting to another girl in the group. The group finishes and I went over and said would he like to go for coffee afterwards and he was incredibly nasty to me when I went up to him and very hostile, saying hiiii in a really sarcastic, mean tone and said he needed to see what the other girl was doing first I felt humiliated by this and went off, spoke to another guy in the group and left with him to catch the train No contact between us then for five weeks, I didn't want to know. Then he texts me out of the blue, I texted back, I'd missed him as he's intelligent and funny and missed talking to him, he then called me and left a message and we started speaking on the phone again. I felt bad, I said to myself perhaps he thought it was a date last time and I rejected him though I quite liked him. So I sent him some nice texts and things, he took ages to reply to them which I let go, however sometimes when he didn't, he'd phone me up afterwards with a long message. I feel as though he punished me every time I didn't return his call right away by ignoring me. We hadn't seen eachother face to face for ages when this was taking place, I said we could catch up when he suggested it but turns out he only meant by phone! So then another support group comes and he turns up and I was wary of going up to him because of the last time so hung around and he came up to me at the end and said it was great to see me and I felt as if I froze. I spoke back to him but couldn't say see you soon or anything or that it was nice to see him. I didn't call him or text him after the meeting either because I thought I'd see him the next week and we'd get to speak to eachother again face to face though before that we were speaking every weekend. This man scares me actually and I never feel as if I can call him either. The last time we spoke on the phone we had a lovely conversation, we speak in the evenings and he always says night and he texts me at night sometimes too. However yet again he said he was infatuated with another woman, but told me she turned him down and he was upset, I don't know why he has to always tell me stuff like this Anyway now I just feel a bit afraid of him and I feel as if he is punishing me for not speaking to him much at that meeting and not calling or texting him, I was pleasant to him but didn't hug him or welcome him back with open arms because I was on my guard and he is ignoring me now and I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I thought he'd come back this week and he didn't. I could phone or text but I don't feel like it, however at the same time I feel bad as if I rejected him in some way by not texting and saying it was nice to see him or something, I never feel like I did enough. I feel as if he's punishing me but I'm not going to seek his approval and go back for more pain as that's the pattern I've always followed in my life and I want to break it He has anger issues, my friend realised that a while ago and believes he is dangerous. He hates his mother and seems to hate women too. He sent me a text once saying he wanted to humiliate somebody to punish them and show them that he is right. I just want to know if I'm being harsh or unfair because I feel like I must have done something or why would he be acting like this. I'm unsure if this is normal jerk-ish behaviour! I'm feeling paranoid now as if I may be being targeted, I was stalked once before, my friend said that when the three of us went round together at first he was asking about me saying he didn't know what to make of me and thought I was weird, which makes this worse. I don't know why I feel so afraid of this person, however I'm being strong and not making contact though I was strangely drawn to him at one point Sorry this is so long! Thanks x Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 He isn't punishing you but he isn't interested in you either. He is interested in the other woman. He isn't targeting you at all. And I think that trying to date members of a "support" group is generally not a good idea. Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Lol it sounds as if you think I am being quite arrogant and presumptuous and thinking he's got the hots for me! I'm confused though because he flitters around, he won't meet me face to face anymore yet he texts and phones and tells me his problems, sorry if I sound a bighead to you or something! I don't know why he doesn't leave me alone if he's not interested at all, perhaps I'm just an ego boost! Plus, btw I agree with you about not dating members of a support group Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 It's alright if he's not interested but he always tells me how desperate he is for love and it's a bit insulting to me in a way really, perhaps it's just me but it makes me feel there's something up with me ( the other two women were from his support group too ) If he wants to be just friends why can't he act casual like a friend? Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 He feels comfortable with you most likely because of the support group. But he sees you as a friend, not a romantic conquest. I don't think you are being big headed --- simply misinterpreting his attention/texts/calls for something they are not. He is acting casual... Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Okay so perhaps he isn't targeting me and you are quite right, somebody else did some years ago and I think perhaps that's triggering these feelings Yes you could be right and perhaps I've got this out of perspective, something to think about, thank you for replying to this x Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 He has a lot of female friends actually....! Link to comment
Jehst1987 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Whether he likes you or not, he sounds like a strange man... I'd recommend staying away from him regardless. Sounds like a bit of a nut case from my perspective! The anger, the infatuations, obsessions, child like behaviour, the aggression... Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes that's the thing, his behaviour has been very strange and the aggression he has displayed has been unjustified I think, thanks, yes safest to keep some distance...I appreciate your reply Jehst1987 as it validates me which makes me feel better! Worried I sound very paranoid! Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Sometimes when we like someone, it's interesting how we perceive and analyze things. He's just interested in wanting someone to talk to. According to what you said in your post, it seems that he never really showed any signs that he was interested in you. He's not ignoring you to punish you. He just has his attention elsewhere. Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 My friend has warned me I should stay away too Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Lol thanks PetiteGirl, yes I am a fantasist and I misinterpret attention definitely, I'm not used to just having guys as friends really...no he hasn't showed any signs and I can deal with that ( apart from kissing me and buying a drink which may have just been polite ) - if he doesn't want to be more than friends that's okay, I can handle it, God has another plan for me and somebody else will hopefully come into my life, these replies are definitely helping me put things more into perspective! Perhaps I was being a bighead about all of this! Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Also, you don't need to justify anything to stay away from someone. You are free to choose who you want to associate with. Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 This could be a good lesson for me actually Link to comment
Jehst1987 Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes that's the thing, his behaviour has been very strange and the aggression he has displayed has been unjustified I think, thanks, yes safest to keep some distance...I appreciate your reply Jehst1987 as it validates me which makes me feel better! Worried I sound very paranoid! I am a slightly confused how neither of the other replies have picked up on his strange behaviour. Regardless of whether he perceives you as a love interest or friend, he's acted strangely with the aggression and child like behaviour. When I was reading your post he came accross as creepy and unstable, but hey, that's just my interpretation. If you feel threatened by his behaviour, keep you distance. It's not worth getting involved. Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes, definitely, I can associate with whom I want to associate with absolutely! Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Jehst1987, yes I admit I was thinking the same, his behaviour is not normal, whether he likes me as a love interest or a friend. He is very strange and I too am surprised nobody's commented upon that, I thank you for your advice on this very much x Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 In fact thinking about it, I was never really posting about whether this guy fancied me or not, it was more about should I keep a distance or not! Probably thinking I was being targeted was stretching it a bit though, I think that was my own paranoia Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I am sorry but OP's interpretation of a "glare", "an angry stare"....etc are her interpretations of his demeanor. And since this thread is about her interpreting more than friendship, I think that she may misinterpret other things. In addition, without knowing what this support group is for, I would say that he hasn't crossed over any boundary and if she is so "afraid" of him, perhaps she should stop answering his calls, going to coffee and dinner, etc. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Either way, if you think this guy is not relationship material or a good friend material, surely, you don't need someone like that in your life? Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 In fact thinking about it, I was never really posting about whether this guy fancied me or not, it was more about should I keep a distance or not! You aren't keeping a distance. You are just letting him make the initial contact and you are responding each time. However, when a man speaks with a woman about another woman he is infatuated with ---- the woman he is sharing this with is clearly thought of as a friend/acquaintence. Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 mhowe, I'm sorry but you're wrong about me perceiving the hostility wrong, I definitely did not, other people have also noticed it as well and even he has said he is not a nice guy to me You are certainly wrong about that! Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Then why are you still even speaking to him? You seem to want to date him? Link to comment
Lady D Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes I don't want anybody hostile, in my life, btw he has also said that when he likes somebody he acts as if he hates them so this is not all in my head....I do like him when he's being okay but think that he has some problems which I feel bad for him for having but I don't know how to fix it Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Yes I don't want anybody hostile, in my life, btw he has also said that when he likes somebody he acts as if he hates them so this is not all in my head....I do like him when he's being okay but think that he has some problems which I feel bad for him for having but I don't know how to fix it Why the heck do you want to "fix it"?? Link to comment
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