Overpowering thoughts.

[deadmareish]

Recently I cannot help but have thoughts of taking my life, ending my sadness and pain.

I have felt like this for maybe about 6 months now. First it started off small. The occasionally thought passing by, but then I'd tell myself things will get better.

 

I don't know why I feel like this. I can't say I've had the worse life. I've always kind of thought I seem to always draw the short straw but I've always persisted not to let it get me down. 4/5 months a go I lost a baby. Although it was unplanned and my boyfriend at the time was very against it all, It was sad, I love children and I can't wait to stay a family. I wasn't very far along something like 7 weeks, but it took it's toll on me. A short while after my boyfriend broke it off. Out of no where. He's been my only love so it is hard to deal with. Among all this I hate my job, my ex still loves to play mind games with me, my money situation is not great, I think about where my pregnancy would be at points of times, my friends are all busy with their own partners / babies / houses to help keep my mind off things and I feel so alone.

I feel like no one loves to hear me moaning about rubbish all the time, so I put on a happy exterior and each time I feel I just die a little more inside. It's exhausting.

 

I suffer from anxiety, have done ever since I was a young teen and sometimes that's hard to deal with too.

 

My occasional thoughts of 'oh I wonder if I could steer off from this motorway into the side of the wall at 100mph and then I won't have to deal anymore' have turned into almost constant thoughts of 'what pills can I get that will finish the job' - 'where would be the best place to climb a tree with an old bed sheet' and 'where's the highest point I can jump off'

Before the thoughts of it getting better, the thoughts of friends and family helped me shake it off but that's not the case anymore.

I have nothing to left to lose. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is the unsurely of whether it'll stick.

 

I've tried so many things now. I've moved out of my parents in hope that having to do things for myself will give me motivation, it did not.

I've been excising, not helping.

I've been trying to stay out of the house, not helping.

I've tried looking for new jobs, nothing.

I've looked into counselling, but it's a very long waiting list and I don't have the money to seek any more help.

 

I've been to my doctors and they don't seem to take it seriously. I contemplate going again but how do you bring this up without sounding like you're making it up for the sake of it.

 

I'm at my end. I can't cope with any of this. Sometimes I think it'll be better to leave the world. My life has no meaning or purpose anyway so it'll be no great loss.

 

 

[Man with Dog]

I feel really sorry for the loss of your baby and really can't even imagine how bad you must feel. Having your first partner dump you as well must be truly awful.

 

I know how you feel, though. Been there designed the T-shirt as we say in England (I'm there, too!). Look under "Personal Growth" and see about "Research into Happiness".

 

Did you feel depressed before you lost your baby? It appears from your post as if you were and, frankly, what has happened since would make anyone feel worse about their situation.

 

I need to go now but I can tell you that things can get better and, especially if you are young, there is plenty of time to turn things round.

 

Good luck and I'll check for replies later.

[deadmareish]

I feel really sorry for the loss of your baby and really can't even imagine how bad you must feel. Having your first partner dump you as well must be truly awful.

 

I know how you feel, though. Been there designed the T-shirt as we say in England (I'm there, too!). Look under "Personal Growth" and see about "Research into Happiness".

 

Did you feel depressed before you lost your baby? It appears from your post as if you were and, frankly, what has happened since would make anyone feel worse about their situation.

 

I need to go now but I can tell you that things can get better and, especially if you are young, there is plenty of time to turn things round.

 

Good luck and I'll check for replies later.

 

Having the two happen after one another did not help no and I cannot help but think it is all my own fault.

I have always had this 'blue' side to me, but it has never been this bad.

 

Does it get better though? I've been waiting. Right now I feel pretty hopeless.

 

Thoughts of what if and what could I have done always consume me. Guilt and shame and sadness is all I seem to feel. I haven't felt happiness or sincere laughter in what seems like forever.

 

It seems like I'm forever falling down the rabbit hole, it's dark and the ground is no where in sight.

[Dougie_D]

Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm depressed too. My reasoning is because I feel like no one loves me in a physical way. I was picked on early on in life, was born with hearing problems, and never really fit in socially. I can have anxiety too. I'm actually a "what if" man and I dwell on the past way too much.

 

I've never kissed a girl, relationship, etc... so I can't really compare the same exact emotions but I believe we have to continue to tell ourselves "it's not our fault". I have moments where I struggle with that. I put extreme blame on myself and you probably do to (with this situation and maybe others in the past)... but that's the thing. I think people who hold on to the past (the bad crap) are easily depressed.

 

I've been starting to look at depression as something that's genetic. People will say you are not born pessimistic or optimistic but I think people are. I think pessimistic are prone to be more depressed.

Like a hair color. You can always color your hair for awhile, but eventually the roots will grow back. In order to constantly have blue hair or whatever you have to soak it in every time the roots start coming in. After awhile, people can't handle hiding things so they want to "pull their hair out".

 

But with me, I like to mix it up. I can tell when my "roots" are kicking in. Sometimes instead of changing my entire hair color, I'll actually keep the roots and maybe "style it" (This is when someone says, "Hey Doug, you look sad..what's up?" and I say "I'm depressed, duh.". I say it almost laughing it out.) Or sometimes I might mix my blue hair with a little bit of green. (basically I do something new I normally wouldn't do just to see what happens..keeps my mind on something else)

 

I just accept that depression is who I am. I learned early on in life that this is going to be a feeling that I'll always have but I can always color my hair... you can do that literally too!

 

I hope this helps and is making you to color your hair and not pull out your roots.

 

 

 

Mix it up. Som

[Man with Dog]

Having the two happen after one another did not help no and I cannot help but think it is all my own fault.

I have always had this 'blue' side to me, but it has never been this bad.

 

Does it get better though? I've been waiting. Right now I feel pretty hopeless.

 

Thoughts of what if and what could I have done always consume me. Guilt and shame and sadness is all I seem to feel. I haven't felt happiness or sincere laughter in what seems like forever.

 

It seems like I'm forever falling down the rabbit hole, it's dark and the ground is no where in sight.

 

Answer One: It is NOT your fault. Some things are just plain bad luck. Karma is a myth.

 

Answer Two: It does get better but I'll be perfectly frank here: it can also go back to being worse for a while, too. I'm depressed right now but it's small change compared to what I've had previously in my life.

 

Answer Three: OK we sometimes lose partners, jobs, money and friends through bad judgement but sometimes bad things happen and there was nothing we could have done to prevent them, so it's easy to blame yourself and sometimes easy to blame others.

 

I'm sorry that there is no magic formula for getting over things.

 

The NHS seems good at giving you pills. I take them. I would prefer it if I could get a decent course of therapy or I was a pair of curtains, so I could pull myself together. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get counselling on the NHS. I'm very surprised that it's actually easier to get help in the USA. At least the pills really help but I have to question why people take them for decades without any further help.

 

Good luck.

[Man with Dog]

Check out my Research into Happiness thread under personal development. I'm sure you have plenty to say. I don't have your specific problems but did not fund relationships easy to come by and didn't have my first serious relationship until I was well into my 20s. When she left, I thought it was the only relationship I was ever going to have.

 

I also think there's some sort of gene but also one's life situation has a lot to do with it, too! I don't generally find "fun" fun. I don't find videos of children falling over on TV funny at all, for example. Enjoying quality time with my wife and daughter is fun to me, as is enjoying my hobby and writing about it.

 

I don't know what to suggest but some of the replies to my thread may be of help to you.

 

Good luck.

[agent1607307371]

OP - please go to see your Doctor again. Get an appt with a different gp (it can be hit and miss - some of them are very good with mental health, and others not so much...) They have a checklist they have to run down, make them check you.

[deadmareish]

Thank you Dougie. I feel better to know other people are out there too.

I cherish your insight and will keep all you say in mind. I'm hoping this is just a phase, and I do want to try and seek help before I do something i'll regret so I guess im not completely hopeless.

 

It's just nice to get your feelings out and knowing that theres always someone to talk to.

[panther]

deadmareish, you should also consider calling a suicide hotline.

 

And yes, your doctor should be able to perscribe you antidepressants for this low point you are going through in your life.

Don't give up on the couseling even if you have to wait a year.

 

If your friends are too busy for you, could you consider start meeting new people. I have recently registered at meetup and there are many many groups just to hang out and so. Maybe if you join some people who are new in town would be good to make new friends, because these are people who are really looking forward and open to make new friendships due to being away from their home towns our countries.