Boyfriend angry I'm not moving in - consistently throws things in my face

[howsoonisnow]

Hey -- I have a question for whomever stumbles accross this thread. My boyfriend of a year is incredibly angry at me because I told him I cannot move in with him right now and he has taken it very personally. I told him I can't because of financial reasons (still in post secondary) and I do not want him or expect him to support me financially. He takes this as a blow to his ego and he constantly throws it in my face, saying I put in less effort in the relationship than he does. He says I don't see him enough but I have other things on my plate too like school and work and my friends and family. I tell him to come see me where I live with my family but it makes him feel awkward to be around my family. I told him it's important to me that he gets to know them but there has been no change in that area.

 

The first time he told me that he feels I put in less effort than him I took it very seriously and I have been trying to show him I care and make more effort. I am spending a lot of time with him and going on trips and spending time with his family. I have been calling him on the phone more now too because he expressed he wanted that to happen. I am truly trying to make more effort and make him happy but he still brings up this problem all the time and it's getting me down because it seems like he just wants to be angry at me. He will bring it up and I will say I'm trying and I see him more now and such and he says I'm asking for recognition for the smallest effort ever.

 

I am growing very tired.

 

The last time we had a fight it was because he perceived that I rejected his offer to give me oral sex but this is not true, he just point blank asked me if I wanted it and I said I need some warming up and let's go to bed. Then when we got to bed he perceeded to talk to me about every thing he has ever thought I did wrong to him in a passive aggressive way. When called out on it he said that it's because I put little effort in the relationship etc etc compared to him and I should have just said an enthusiastic yes to oral sex. I have told him before that I will not always be up for sex and that he does not have unlimited access to my body whenever he wants it, and he gets that, but he still gets so mad over this at times and it really hurts his feelings. It is worrying.

 

Then comes how he throws in my face all the time that when we first started dating I told him I didn't like one of his girlfriends, and it's true I did point blank, I am very direct, and I never said he couldn't talk to her or anything, I just said I didn't like her. Since then I have seen her more, and I still don't like her, yet he can't get over it. He said I dislike her for no reason and he will not accept my feelings on it no matter what I say. I wouldn't care so much if he didn't bring it up once and awhile and make me feel bad. It is like I told him I hated his mother.

 

He also seems to think that I will leave him and he says he has insecurities. I do not know why he is acting this way and in some ways I feel like maybe he's trying to self sabotage our relationship. He says he loves me all the time but I wonder because when he does things like this, I feel very very disrespected by him.

 

What do you guys think I should do to quell his ability to hold such grudges? Do you think he is putting his insecurities on me? Can you see anything I'm doing wrong in the situation? I know it's just my side of the story. I don't know. I'm at a loss.

[Capricorn3]

He sounds incredibly immature, insecure and high maintenance with a lot of growing up to do (sorry). What you see and what you are dealing with is his true character. This is who he is. You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to live with someone like this who forever throws things in your face every time he feels insecure about something. I know I couldn't and wouldn't. I'd be out the door so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.

 

Choice is yours.

[SooSad33]

" He takes this as a blow to his ego and he constantly throws it in my face, saying I put in less effort in the relationship than he does"

"I will say I'm trying and I see him more now and such and he says I'm asking for recognition for the smallest effort ever."

"

With these kinds of insults etc, maybe he should think again on WHY you would want to move in with him?

 

"He says he loves me all the time but I wonder because when he does things like this, I feel very very disrespected by him. "

- We come to see with their actions.. not words.

 

I feel in order for things to improve at all is if HE backs off with his tude and actually shows you some decent respect back.

If he won't stop with his constant arguing, insults etc. Then you tell him lighten up & back off or you're moving on.

We need to learn to have our own self respect and learn when we're being treated in ways, that are not deserving.

If he's always belittling you, maybe he's got too many issues, he has to deal with.. on his own?

[missmarple]

Yes, there is something you're doing wrong. You're still with him. Sorry but the guy is so full of insecurities that he needs a therapist, not a girlfriend!

[sleepingdonut]

Yes, there is something you're doing wrong. You're still with him.

 

Pretty much perfectly said.

 

This guy sounds extremely emotionally manipulative, and it sounds like he wants to possess you rather than have a relationship with you.

[Iggles]

This guy is a jerk. Did you notice the double standard with his family? You're making an effort to spend time with his while he refuses to spend time where you LIVE in the family home because it's "awkward" for him.

 

This dude is a big baby.

[ParisPaulette]

There are some serious red flags here that point towards an abusive personality--controlling, jealous, already crossed the line into emotional abuse. You're a smart person, that's obvious. Why are you putting up with this and NO definitely do not move in with this guy. Not unless you want to say goodbye to your family, friends and the degrees you're working so hard to get, because he will have you sitting at home cut off from everyone and everything.

 

It is a serious red flag when they claim to be uncomfortable around your family and friends and your family and friends have been nothing but nice to him. It means he's afraid they'll see through him, see how he's treating you, and speak out about to you and possibly to him. And so his answer is to continue to hide himself and what he does to you away from anyone who loves you and could help you. Right now he's being extremely manipulative and the signs are there that he may well cross the line to physical, certainly he'll get worse.

 

Take a very long hard look at everything you have right in your life and ask yourself why he can't and won't fit in with that, and why you wouldn't want someone instead who would. I worked at a women's shelter for years, I recognize the signs. The only thing you're doing wrong is not seeing what's right in front of you--that nothing you say, do or behave is going to change what he is. And that it's only going to get worse over time. He's not really insecure, he's using that as a means to introvert you into thinking you're doing things wrong and to manipulate you into cutting ties with people who could help you. And throwing things in your face is him testing the limits to see how far he can push you and how much control he gains over you.

 

Don't believe me? Read up on the topic of signs you're with an abusive or potentially abusive partner. And if you're still having trouble with that call up an abuse hotline or go see a campus counselor and tell them what's going on and what you've read and what does this look like to them. Because from where I'm standing I can see it pretty clearly. And yes, they can be very charming and very soothing and very apologetic when they feel they're losing control. It's just the behavior never really changes and once they feel comfortable that you won't leave them it all starts again and then each time escalates just a bit more.

 

In short, run don't walk, to the nearest exit from him. Gather the facts on the warning signs of an abusive person and abusive relationships and then plan an exit strategy. That's all the advice I can give you.

[SpottiOtti]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yep. Yep. Yep. You did the right thing not moving in with him. Now do the next right thing for yourself and your future and get away from this parasite.