Narcissistic personality. Tips, experiences

[Contbo4]

Hey just new to the forum. About 6 months ago I ended one of the most mind blowing unhealthy relationships I have ever had. I have dated and broke up with and also been broken up with before but this was something completely different. I did some research on narcissistic personality disorders and think that my ex fits the mold.

The relationship: it started out slow but only because I made it that way. She would text/call constantly. Eventually I gave in and started hanging out with her and it progressed to staying with her every night of the week I was able. Once we started dating and I chose that I wanted to be with her the problems started. She started saying "your a player" "you don't care about me"etc. which confused me as I was with her and talking to her every day. One big red flag I had with her was how she remained in contact with every ex she had that was still single and I was forbidden to talk to anyone of the opposite sex without being punished and questioned for it. Double standards that were tough for me to understand. Eventually it was like she lost interest and broke up with me. She did this a total of three times and every time it would last about a month and while we were apart she would instantly be hanging out with one of the exs she was talking to while we were together. Why I took her back was beyond me. I felt like a chump and wanted to win I guess. Long story short it was always my fault why we broke up weather it was "you can't handle me being friends with my exs", "you are a player and don't care about me"or "you are the most selfish person I have ever met". The last time she tried getting back together after going cold with me I told her that I wanted something different for the both of us and wished her the best. As usual she started to cry but the game was over for me. That very same day she started texting one of my friends to hang out. He told me about it but it was awkward for the both of us. Now my questions: why would she put so much effort and time into a relationship just to break it off and bounce between old relationships that didn't work out in the past? Is there ever a point that a person like this finds someone new and moves on completely?(it seems to be a cycle from stories I have heard from her previous relationships) I want her out of my life but want her to meet someone that works and for her to move on. I guess I'm just looking for people who have maybe dealt with someone like this in the past. Any tips or experiences appreciated!!

[pfbsurf]

She just sounds very immature - true NPD is pretty rare. A bit of a fruit loop, yes, but that is the world we live in today.

 

she's just one of the thousands and thousands of mildly selfish, possesive young women roaming the streets. I"m going to guess 23 years old, right? Big fan of snapchat and whatsapp? She wants to lock you down but have no constraints on her behavior. This is all pretty standard stuff. Very vain, very insecure, very entitled.

 

Best thing to do is move on, you're not her caretaker. She'll be fine.

[Jehst1987]

I've recently ended a relationship with someone who had lots of narcissistic/borderline traits. As with your experience, it was mind-blowingley confusing and unhealthy. I took her back three times within a 4 month period. I ended it each time, but she'd come bouncing back playing all the cards, e.g .she'll change, she loves me, she hates me, crocodile tears, etc.

 

She too was in contact with many of her ex's. In fact the first time we broke was because I found her texting her ex whilst with me, throughout the day. She was in regular contact with him. The thing is, they need the supply... They keep people who provide that supply in their lives and typically that's ex partners. I am pretty sure when I met her she was fading out her 'relationship' with her ex, e.g. stringing him along, then met me, then turned her attention on me but maintained contact with her ex.

 

N's don't know how to have functional relationships. They are incapable of love in the way that we know it. I wouldn't concern yourself with wanting her to find someone who works for her. Forgot about that. Find something that works for you.

 

The likelihood is that she'll came back to you for supply. If you provide it you'll end up at square one. The more you ignore it the more she'll want it, until eventually she'll get angry and turn on you, or perhaps leave you be.

 

I bet she was good looking, great in bed, life and soul of the party, etc, etc. That's why you put up with it. Certainly why I did, for far too long. Was she arrogant, selfish, but insecure and unstable behind the front?

 

My advise would be not to concern yourself with her. Apparently N's seek out people who provide the N supply and typically these people can be codependents. Do some reading up about N's but also the N and codependent mix/dance. It's interesting reading and will give you some clarity on the crazy months you've just experienced.

[Jehst1987]

Think pfbsurf has got it spot on.

[Brotherhood67]

Some people are addicted to drama and like this kind of behaviour.

 

From my experience, yes, they can move on as quickly as that because they are not "sane" people and, generally speaking, they are drawn to other men/women because those relationships give them the fuel they need in order to feel good - drama. Breaking up, making up, breaking up again makes them feel good so they crave for it.

 

I don't believe they can truly be happy with someone for a long time. They need drama. And will settle for someone who gives them drama until someone else comes along.

 

Those are generally speaking very lonely persons, even if they look like "social beings" on the outside...

[pfbsurf]

i think it is important to avoid clinical terms like "disorder", borderline, bipolar, etc. First, true cases of all of these disorders are just not that common - but more important, i think it clouds our view of our own dysfunctional behavior in a relationship. Sort of makes it easy to lay blame if the other person is "crazy"... But most people have many layers.

 

I have been involved with narcissistic women in the past. I guess i'm drawn to good looking, self centered sexpots. Guilty

 

But the ones i've been involved with have been very sweet and very giving in certain ways as well. They just have grown up with constant attention from men, constant cues from the media and the world that their self worth is in their looks, and honestly, they tend to like it. But as you say, brotherhood67, they are also pretty lonely too... The smarter ones at least.

 

As a guy, it is hard to be on the receiving end of this for very long, but man it can be fun too...

 

So who's to blame? We typically invite the treatment we get from others in life. As I get older, I am sort of getting past the need that I have to be with the hot girl.

 

OP, if you are in your early 20s like i suspect, use this as a valuable lesson. Go for confidence and fun, skip the drama.

[Jehst1987]

Agree with what you're saying re avoiding clinical terms. Fair point.

 

Great fun (!) but dangerous once you start to invest any emotion.

 

Entitled is the word that sticks out as most accurate to me. Entitled, manipulative ( in the sense they have to have it their way and aren't willing to accept 'no' without a fight) and self-centred.

 

At 27 my experience is definitely a learning curve which I'll use to make better decisions going forward. Better and more authentic decisions for me and who I am.

[Brotherhood67]

Yep, I agree.

 

True narcissists are pretty rare and there are about twice as many men who suffer from it than women. So statistically speaking, it's even more difficult to find a "real woman narcissist"...

 

I think that persons who crave for drama and attention are quite simply a little bit immature, self-centered and "weak" (no offense) because they tend to use this mechanism like some kind of "self-defense" also because they lack the capacity to really believe that they are worth something and worthy of your time/effort... They quite simply are incapable of believing that they can attract someone for who they truly are - low self-esteem is the key here in my opinion.

 

Nonetheless, it's sad to see people behave this way because, in truth, I highly doubt that they can truly be happy with someone unless they vigorously change their way of thinking and work on these self-esteem issues. And it's quite rare to see people do this because, for the most part, they don't even realize it themselves...

[treesandbees]

I think for a narcissist it is all about them, and nothing about anyone else, what is good for them and nothing is ever their fault either.

[pfbsurf]

Agree with what you're saying re avoiding clinical terms. Fair point.

 

Great fun (!) but dangerous once you start to invest any emotion.

 

Entitled is the word that sticks out as most accurate to me. Entitled, manipulative ( in the sense they have to have it their way and aren't willing to accept 'no' without a fight) and self-centred.

 

At 27 my experience is definitely a learning curve which I'll use to make better decisions going forward. Better and more authentic decisions for me and who I am.

 

 

 

Love it. Authentic is the operative word. Hopefully any next relationship i get into this will be the centerpiece.

 

And yes, once you let your guard down and some emotion in, game over for lots of these girls... I"m not a "red pill" guy really (for those who know some of the current theory on all of this) but alot of this is so predictable.

[pfbsurf]

I've definitely run into my fair share of male N's.

 

For women, its much more complex, but it comes down more to "vanity, insecurity" (yes, that is from Simple Minds, Don't you forget about me), as opposed to true narcissism. Back to the value we place on beauty and all that.

 

My recent ex - who really did crave male attention and was very good at getting it, would tell me over and over how i was the only guy she felt "authentic" around. As usual, i didn't really process this when she would say it, but now I get it and its sort of sad. She could be "herself" around me - she really wasn't worried about gaining my favor by then (early on was a bit different, i definitely made her work for it But that means that she can't be herself when she was out in the real world...

 

I wonder if that has changed... (wait, that is my other "can't stop thinking about my ex thread...)

[Brotherhood67]

Maybe it changed, I don't know and I won't pretend to know but something is quite clear in this case when I see how she talked about you : if you were the only one who made her feel "authentic", it also means that she has to put on some mask in order to go on in her everyday life. That's really sad in my opinion and only fuels my point about them being lonely people in the end...

 

Moreover and that is something which is probably also clear : when people with narcissistic traits reveal themselves in the eyes of someone else, all is well as long as they feel in control. If they break up with you or feel that they lose this control, you very quickly become a liability - someone who could "threaten" the way they want to be seen by others. And this means that they will probably cut the cord with you for good and try to make you look as the bad guy and.rewrite your history together in order to "prove" their point to others... So reconciliation is nearly impossible in my opinion if this happens - they build a lie and learn to live by it at all costs...

 

What sad and lonely people...

[Jehst1987]

Feeling entitled, yet lacking in self-estem. Amazingly contradictory isn't it. I guess that's where beauty, sex appeal, charisma comes into play and societies appetite for it.

 

I think they are attracted to guys they can ultimately be themselves around. Those guys typically have traits they don't have themselves and therefore find attractive and interesting, e.g. Honesty, integrity, loyalty...it's new, but safe. However, as has been said, they soon become itchy and seek the drama they feed off. They're good at avoiding relationship boundaries, so drama is only ever just round the corner.

[laninaperdida]

Ftr, I don't think she's a narcissist.

Why do people so quickly label someone a narcissist simply because they don't want to be with them?

I'm a narcissist and not (always) proud of it.

It's destroyed certain aspects of my life.

Narcissists do NOT (I repeat do NOT) waste time on an ex regardless of who broke up with whom.

We love ourselves way too damn much to ever touch something soiled or go near anything that May effect or pride or image.

We do the opposite: Pretend we don't know them because a failed relationship is a failure and thus makes us look bad.

We can't have that, can we?

People who go back to or remain in contact with exes tend to be co dependent and have low self esteem.

(In comparison to a narcissist, that is.)

It takes them longer to sever the bond.

A narcisst will cut that bond even if you drown, we don't care, lol.

You've analyzed her all wrong, IMO.

[Jehst1987]

So true. Unfortunately I have this part to look forward to in the coming weeks. She owes me money and having split up with her I'm sure she's going to make my life hell to get it back! Luckily my friends know the true me so won't be influenced. Or if they are, at least we know the truth ourselves.

[niceandslow]

I dated a narcissist for over 3 years. He destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. He does pop up every once in awhile to get his "supply". But I just ignore it at this point in my life. He made me feel like I was crazy and everything was always my fault. For instance, I caught him cheating and the next day he told me I imagined it all. He swore to it.

[bulletproof]

You've analyzed her all wrong, IMO.

 

I guess the point everyone is making here is that he shouldn't be analyzing her at all; it's irrelevant and will likely hinder his healing. Better to invest in self-analysis, in a healthy way.

[Contbo4]

Thanks for the replies everyone! The only reason I posted anything was because I had never been in a relationship like it before and was looking to see if anyone had ever had an experience like this before. She more than likely doesn't have a psyc disorder but definitely was a unique person to date.

[Brotherhood67]

Yes.

 

For what it's worth, we ALL share some narcissistic traits. A "puro" narcissist is pretty rare and should be diagnosed this way before even considering some kind of treatment.

 

So you're a narcissist and not proud of it ? How come ? ;-)

 

But what you say is true : after a narcissist is done with a relationship, whether it's for dumping or by being dumped, it's over. Empathy and guilt are not something diagnosed narcissist experience, don't you agree ? (I am not trying to diminish your worth, I myself was diagnosed with BPD about ten years ago - it changed everything...). After all, Narcisse's story is about someone who falls in love with his own image - not someone who falls in love in other people i.e. are easily capable of feeling "something" beyond lust.

 

After the honeymoon phase, I think that a narcissist will stay with someone for a lot of reasons but mostly because he is in love with his own image and "loves" how his pseudo-SO makes him look, whether it's by using him/her, diminishing him/her in a game of perversion which can take many forms or by manifesting a push-pull behaviour which results in someone who pursues them / feels bad for being pulled back and narcissists sometimes "love" to see someone suffer because of them, it makes them feel grandiose...

 

Ah, and another thing : quite often, since they don't "fall in love with someone" per se and have diminished capacity for empathy, coupled with a immense sense of pride, narcissists will often rebound instantly - it's a necessity for them which surpasses some kind of fear of abandonment - it's about getting constant "revenge" in life and filling some kind of void...

 

Anyway, no offense, but since BPD and narcissists are often put in the same bag, this topic is interesting for me ^-^

[Ms Darcy]

By the way, don't diagnose people online - we don't know her, and unless you are a psychiatrist yourself and have examined her, you don't know if she's bipolar or what. Maybe she's just a flake? Leave the armchair diagnoses alone.

 

I agree totally.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to focus on yourself and understand why you would keep getting back with someone who dumped you several times.

 

What was your childhood like? Are your parents divorced? Does addiction/alcoholism run in your family?

[Jehst1987]

Purely out of interest, if you answer yes to your two questions Darcy, what relevance does that have explaining why someone would stay/or come back to a relationship like this?

[laninaperdida]

I guess the point everyone is making here is that he shouldn't be analyzing her at all; it's irrelevant and will likely hinder his healing. Better to invest in self-analysis, in a healthy way.

 

ENA would fall apart if that we're true, lol.

[Contbo4]

My parents are together and there's not really any addiction that runs in my family. The reason I got back together with her the first time was because I actually believed her in how she would confess how much she missed me, loved me, and her crying didn't help. But the two times after that I have no idea. I guess my ego was bruised and like I said above I wanted to "win". Turns out it was a massive waste of time for the both of us bc at that point I didn't believe anything she said, I was talking to other girls, and was screening her calls. I just found it weird how I could almost set my clock by how long it would take her to start calling to get back together with me. I personally don't understand why try get back with someone you dump. I have had girls that I have dumped and girls that dumped me that I would hang out with occasionally and hook up but nothing more. This girl would come back 110% wanting be together and would say some really emotional things. Idk it was just different.

[Jehst1987]

Your story mirrors mine, so I know exactly what you're saying. It sadly becomes a bit of a game and your ego wants to "win". Tiring and confusing. Waste of time when looking at the big picture.