Sapphire blue Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Posting from my phone so apologies for the typeos. So basically in a nutshell I'm still going through a break up and trying to deal with my emotions on a day to day basis. I confided in 2 friends who I trusted to express my emotions too. One of these friends is now encouraging me to hook up with her brother and I'm just now stuck in a really awkward position. At this point I want to concentrate on me alone, I really miss being in a relationship but I'm nowhere near ready. I don't have any feelings towards this guy and nor have I before I went through this break up. I don't feel comfortable with rejecting someone, but the added pressure of my friends encouraging me and the fact it's one of their brothers is really stressing me out. I don't have many friends but I don't want to see them incase they try and encourage me more or even ask me about it full stop. My friend told me her brother was supposed to go on a date but cancelled because he would rather go on one with me and doesn't mind waiting for when I'm ready. I replied telling her flat out to make him go and that he should not wait for me! But he still is... And as I write this I have just got a message from him on Facebook which I can't face reading. I don't know what to do, I'm awful in any sort of situation which requires me having to step up and shut the situation down. I just want to concentrate on me for once and this is just adding more confusion, it's really making me feel horrible. I guess I just need some advice on how to best handle the situation and not lose my only friends in the process. This is my first break up and I'm struggling enough sometimes as it is. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Why do you think that being kind but telling the truth will result in you losing your friends? Link to comment
Sapphire blue Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 I'm a bit of an outsider of the group, not in a terrible way but I don't really get invited to things and I'm usually the one who has to make the effort. I guess I don't want to rock the boat even more. I'm mainly writing this thread on how to tell the brother I'm not interested in the best possible way, the friend thing is more an after thought which is just making me (probably unnecessarily) worry. I'm a worrier by nature so do tend to get worked up about things that may not happen. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Just tell your friend that you are not ready to date anyone. You appreciate her wanting to fix the situation with someone to date, but you don't want to. You also only see her brother as a friend, since it is her family. Thanks for the concern, though Link to comment
Starshine Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Dear Sapphire blue, I think that you should make your own decisions and take your time on seeing someone new, and I also think that your friends are trying to be kind and I am not sure of how your friend's brother knows you. If you two have met each other, then try to see how his behaviour towards you has been. If you say he cancelled out a date so that he could go with you on one, it certainly gives a good indication from his side. But still you should try knowing him more first. I can't say much because I don't know him. Why not try going on a friends meal instead go to your friend's house or something and try knowing him more as a friend first. And don't rush into dating if you don't want too. I'm sure your friends will understand. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Why not try going on a friends meal instead go to your friend's house or something and try knowing him more as a friend first. And don't rush into dating if you don't want too. I'm sure your friends will understand. Then she is not honoring her own boundaries. She should not do something she is not comfortable with just because someone else wants her to do something. it is a good life skill to learn to be firm on your boundaries Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 You simply tell him what you told us here: You have just gone through a break up and you're not ready to date anyone and you respectfully ask him not to put his life on hold because you have no idea when you'll be ready and you don't want that kind of pressure put on you. I know you're not asking for personal advise but I'm going to suggest that you work on your personal boundaries and your ability to look after whats in your best interests without feeling guilty, Sapphire. Boundaries will help you with your confidence and your self esteem/worth in all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. We need personal boundaries to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and from being manipulated. I've been writing a lot about personal boundaries in this forum because I'm seeing often that many are lacking in even the knowledge of the concept never mind having them formed and securely in place. Here are a few links on the subject. I think reading about them will give you the confidence to tell your friend and more importantly, her brother that you're not interested in dating him because you'll understand that you're not a "bad guy" for telling someone what you do and do not want, what you will and will not do and that you don't have to feel guilty about it. link removed link removed link removed link removed Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 You're not rejecting anyone, you're simply not ready to date. Tell friend, "I'm not ready to date anyone right now. It's going to take a while for me, so I'll let you know when that changes." Meanwhile, stop confiding in this one--or anyone in her group. Take some solo time or time with friends and family who you feel safe with, not people you're trying to impress. This isn't the time for that. Head high. Link to comment
Sapphire blue Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 I just want to say thank you all for you messages and replies I really appreciate it. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Honey what do you mean you do not want to rock the boat? The boat is already on rocky seas and nearly broken. Friends would not mind if they do then it is time to invest in making some new friends. Not easy at least for my age but never put anyone before yourself. You come first. Take care of you. You deserve that much A luta continua Link to comment
Sapphire blue Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Honey what do you mean you do not want to rock the boat? The boat is already on rocky seas and nearly broken. Friends would not mind if they do then it is time to invest in making some new friends. Not easy at least for my age but never put anyone before yourself. You come first. Take care of you. You deserve that much A luta continua Thanks! That's what I'm going to do, I have a small friendship group and it's not healthy. I've reconnected with a few old friends and am going to join the gym this week and possibly go play netball like I did when I was in school. They'll help me be happier again and hopefully meet new people along the way. I love my friends but I need to spread my horizons a bit again too, whilst keeping them ofcourse. I've also just applied for a new job which is kinda scary but positive. I today saw my ex has a new girlfriend (someone I suspected he liked when we were together) so it's kinda hard not to let it get me down, but instead of looking back on today as 'my ex has a moved on and it's killing me' I look back on it as 'I have applied for a new job and have made plans to meet a friend later this week to go to the gym' there's 2 positives to 1 negative. I am determined for this break up to be a good thing for me even if some times it's hard to see. Link to comment
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