First Date after Breakup...

[pfbsurf]

7 weeks since B/U. First real date - coffee this AM. The old me would never do a coffee date, so boring, but really, i'm just testing the waters i guess.

 

Anyway, it was... Nice. She was cute, on paper we make a decent match - (kids, athletic, good job, slightly younger).

 

But of course, in the back of my mind, i'm playing the comparison game. Not nice.

 

I was and am still extremely attracted to ex. I will admit that this is superficial. We also had a nice connection, although on paper, we were a much tougher match (distance, her lifestyle). Oh and she lied and cheated.

 

I guess this post might end up being a journal, i really don't have any questions. I know i need to get back in the dating world, and i also know that some of the things that i'm a work in progress.

 

I'm taking it verrrry easy here. Like I said, she was actually pretty nice and i could see us hanging out and maybe there is even a spark... Who knows what she thinks - i know she was interested based on emails (ok cupid btw) and we did have a fun chat.

 

i just wish i could stop thinking about S so much.

[faraday]

Well...see if your date is interested in seeing you again...she might not be.

 

And...coffee dates aren't bad. I don't know why they get such a bad rap...I've always loved them..if it's horrible, you drink your coffee and run, but if it's good- you ask if they want to take their coffee for a walk. It can turn into a date that lasts a few hours if you're having fun.

[chr8st8na]

tell her you are casually dating so she is not expecting too much from you. you are looking for a rebound and i personally dont feel its the best reasons to date but to each their own.

[pfbsurf]

Well...see if your date is interested in seeing you again...she might not be.

 

And...coffee dates aren't bad. I don't know why they get such a bad rap...I've always loved them..if it's horrible, you drink your coffee and run, but if it's good- you ask if they want to take their coffee for a walk. It can turn into a date that lasts a few hours if you're having fun.

 

True... I may not be as charming as i think i am...

[pfbsurf]

tell her you are casually dating so she is not expecting too much from you. you are looking for a rebound and i personally dont feel its the best reasons to date but to each their own.

 

I think she probably knows its casual for now - she is also just recently out of a 1 year R, so there's that. And the whole rebound thing is sort of confusing to me - you have to "rebound" at some point

 

I've dated alot over the years, i just think its a matter of not getting too intense early, and just having fun on dates. My guess is that my feelings for my ex will continue to fade while this goes on

[pfbsurf]

However...

 

It is a good idea for me to keep track of some things - i do not want to forget that the recent breakup was pretty terrible, and revealed some things to me about myself and others.

 

1) my ability to "trust" took a pretty huuuuge hit.

 

2) my self esteem was also whacked - starting to get it back, but i want to be careful of linking my self worth to a woman or women in general. Again.

 

3) related to 2) - i will admit that my ex was good looking enough for me to get a huge boost as her "boyfriend", and it made up for some of the shortcomings in the relationship. So, how shallow and insecure am I?

 

3) my personal habits - drinking, a lack of focus at work - also have been getting better since breakup. Slowly, but how much of this improvement is due to being alone and being forced to really take a hard look at my life? Will dating get in the way of this?

 

4) and of course, the last relationship started pretty casually - next thing i knew i was attached like the alien to that guys face in that movie. Alien.

 

5) Oh, and i was still thinking about S for a good part of today...

 

So, i may think that i am ready to date, or I may need a major psychological overhaul first.

 

Time will tell. And i'll try to keep track of it all right here!

 

Stay tuned.

[notalady]

It's only been 7 weeks, you definitely need more time to recover took me about 5-6 months to completely stop thinking about my ex, and was already over him when we broke up!

[SoulTaker]

It's only been 7 weeks, you definitely need more time to recover took me about 5-6 months to completely stop thinking about my ex, and was already over him when we broke up!

 

I hear you, but 5-6 months can be tough on some of us men.... If you know what I mean.

[notalady]

I hear you, but 5-6 months can be tough on some of us men.... If you know what I mean.

 

Haha! Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't date, if the OP feels like he can handle it and able to manage expectations (his and hers) then yea sure but I can understand the whole comparing the new person to your ex thing, whether you want to or not, they just seem to be there - stuck in your head. Until time works it's magic and take it all away!

[SooSad33]

5-6 months does NOT need to be tough for you. Unless you feel you can't handle being alone?

I've know other's (guys) who've gone up to 2 years, single before considering dating again.

 

Have you been able to deal with anything re: the reasons your last relationship ended? The personal damages done- mentally & emotionally?

How can you feel 'stable' about yourself & your life already? If you're not, you can't exactly move on 'whole heartedly', can you?

 

7 weeks is just a beginning.

I also went over 9 months before I felt I was getting myself together.

[pfbsurf]

I would be fine w 5-6 month i think - but would prefer not to wait that long to casually date. I have thought about this alot and feel that for me to fully move on from my ex, i need to be with at least one other woman romantically. My "recovery" from my long-term marriage involved dating over a couple of years while i was still in the process of healing. There just is never one moment for me that the light went off and i was "ok" and could date.

 

And consider this - maybe waiting and being alone on purpose (not trying to date at all) gives more power to the previous relationship over our emotions. I know it feels that way right now. My recent ex is still on a pedastal, I am trying to "fix" the things that are "wrong" with me that led to the breakup and all that. When in fact i was a pretty good boyfriend that just got too involved with someone that was not a good fit for me.

 

I don't know the answer - i think sticking to keeping it casual, being honest and just seeing dating as a chance to meet people and have fun is the best approach.

[SoulTaker]

Haha! Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't date, if the OP feels like he can handle it and able to manage expectations (his and hers) then yea sure but I can understand the whole comparing the new person to your ex thing, whether you want to or not, they just seem to be there - stuck in your head. Until time works it's magic and take it all away!

 

You're right in that there's no problem in going out while re-grouping. This isn't a "one size fits all", where there's a minimum and maximum wait time. 5-6 months for you, could be 2 months for me, and 2 years for someone else. If I'm between relationships and am not ready for another one, and someone approaches me to hang out with me, I'll tell them that it will be casual, and then leave it up to them.

 

It's all about being honest with the person you're dealing with. If I'm in "casual mode", and meet someone whose in a LTR mode, I won't deal with them.

[pfbsurf]

oops - pedestal, not pedastal

[pfbsurf]

ok. new girl texting me proactively, so, i would say she is interested.... Amazing what being aloof does...

 

but I am of coure still thinking about ex. Crazy because on many levels, it just wouldn't have worked out. Eventually she would have cheated. I just know that. So why do i keep replaying everything in my head, why am i taking this all so personally, why is my ego crushed and why do i think that all relationships are DOOMED...

 

hows that for the mindset of a newly single guy??

[notalady]

You're right in that there's no problem in going out while re-grouping. This isn't a "one size fits all", where there's a minimum and maximum wait time. 5-6 months for you, could be 2 months for me, and 2 years for someone else. If I'm between relationships and am not ready for another one, and someone approaches me to hang out with me, I'll tell them that it will be casual, and then leave it up to them.

 

It's all about being honest with the person you're dealing with. If I'm in "casual mode", and meet someone whose in a LTR mode, I won't deal with them.

 

If only more guys did that

[notalady]

ok. new girl texting me proactively, so, i would say she is interested.... Amazing what being aloof does...

 

but I am of coure still thinking about ex. Crazy because on many levels, it just wouldn't have worked out. Eventually she would have cheated. I just know that. So why do i keep replaying everything in my head, why am i taking this all so personally, why is my ego crushed and why do i think that all relationships are DOOMED...

 

hows that for the mindset of a newly single guy??

 

Lol you need to stop asking all the why's, it's normal to replay things in your head, it's normal to take it personally and feel your ego crushed (which actually doesn't take much for most people!). Obviously not all relationship are doomed, you are just in a bad place right now to be thinking about that kind of stuff.

 

For me, I find just stop thinking about the why and letting yourself feel the pain and grief and do whatever is it that you normally do to express and feel that grief is a healthy and I dare say necessary part of getting over someone and helps with moving on emotionally.

 

As for the casual dating side, as SoulTaker said, as long as you are being honest and upfront with the girl, do whatever you want.

[pfbsurf]

Letting go and feeling the pain. That is spot on. NAL you should pop over to this other thread where the OP is 10 months B/U post a 9 month relationship and still is stuck in neutral. Everyone is telling him thats "normal" etc. One response was that it was not ok to be embarrassed or feel bad about not moving on. Ugh. That's like giving a cigarette to a lung cancer patient because it eases the discomfort.

 

I don't want to be mean but there is too much group love on this site some time. And not the fun type.

 

Anythint to feel OK in the moment I guess...

 

I want to get to the bottom of all of this. Grief is a gift - it reminds me that i have feelings and that there is something outside of myself.

 

And if there is one thing I am, its honest. Honestly.

 

 

[SoulTaker]

Pfbsurf, what is it in particular that is causing you to be stuck in neutral? You mentioned that it wasn't a perfect match from the start. She really wasn't relationship material which was why you had your doubts. We can only guess at it, but one thing that you brought up more than once was her looks. "Cute" (new woman), does not sound the same as "Good Looking" (ex).

 

Sometimes, a good-looking woman can be difficult to get over. But then again, that might not be the case. You're a veteran dater, so there's probably something in particular, and not the quality of the relationship that is the issue.

[pfbsurf]

i know.

 

It was a combination of many things. Looks, connection. I had been pretty stressed out over the last year and she was really my only consistent escape.. Not healthy I know.

 

I've dated alot but have not really liked anyone as much as her - not even close.

 

I may have some perverse need to get attacthed to someone who is unavailable emotionally. This new girl is already chasing me, and as of now, i'm not super interested. Probably shouldn't be dating right now,

[SoulTaker]

This new girl is already chasing me, and as of now, i'm not super interested. Probably shouldn't be dating right now,

 

Well, at least not her. That's a bad combination, chasing someone who's not interested. Based on that, you do need to take a break.

 

Also, it can be a simple case of finding someone who is capable of taking your mind off of the last person. For me, I can't go backwards when it comes to relationships.

[pfbsurf]

Well... update.

 

"Chasing" as in calling me to get together for a smoothie this afternoon. Which we did. And it was actually nice. She is VERY different than ex.

 

Anyway... it did help take my mind off of things. And I can't say i'm completely not interested.

 

Se we shall see...

[pfbsurf]

And. Text from ex last night. Innocuous, meaningless text about seeing a mutual friend out in town (who is married but was on a date with someone other than his wife - they are swingers btw).

 

I said "must be date night".. i know. Mistake. She texted back "oh really, how was your date?" - i just said night and went to sleep.

 

But. clock started again.

 

One voice in my head is saying she misses me and wants to leave the door open.

 

the other voice says she misses me as a friend. I am sure she is having fun dating guys that are much more "her type", but for whatever reason, she wants to stay in touch

 

This new girl is sweet and seems to like me. I'm still mr cool and laid back. I honestly have very little desire for anyone but ex, but i know that the more time I spend with new girl, the more the old me will come back Selfish I know, but i'm sort of done with being mr nice guy. She won't get hurt.

 

I lost the old me over the last year (not just ex's fault - money, drinking, getting older and depression...+ ex = zombiepaul)

 

But this AM, i had a brief flashback - I am smart, funny, stylish, athletic, charming and inquisitive - and I"m a great Dad

 

i have focused SO much on what I"m not, and the things that I struggle with - I'm not hyper focused, not an alpha male, not ultra ambitious. In my relationship, i became needy and weak. I gave up a good chunk of myself to get her approval. But of course, she is very perceptive and saw the disconnect. She fell for someone who was not "me" - then came to like the real me, but in the end needs and needed the original version (provider, bulletproof, fun 100% of the time).

 

In the end, I have to improve myself. I am still depressed, still going home and sleeping 10-12 hours, still have to clean the apartment and pay my bills. Get to the gym, take care of myself and my responsibilities. Have more fun. Work harder. Without her or anyone.

 

Ex fell for an illusion, i fell for an illusion of us together. Now time to move on.

[SophieGrace]

I don't think rushing into dating while still pining over your ex is any more valorous or pro-active than someone stuck in "neutral" getting support from an advice forum (your post 08/01.) Both are a way of connecting when you are feeling alone.

 

But I dunno, PB. I imagine myself a single woman (e.g. your "chaser") chatting with you on a dating site, feeling hopeful there might be a connection based on our witty banter, assuming you are available given you are here, and then looking forward to seeing how it goes over coffee (or a smoothie). At what point are you going to tell me you still think about your ex all the time - in fact you often compare me to her and I don't measure up - and basically you are using me as a distraction in your personal journey to try to move on? At least the guy in neutral isn't potentially dragging other people onto his pain ride.

 

For your consideration: I do think a person knows when they are ready to date again. My last painful break-up took 6 months of sadness before I felt ready, and those were 6 very hard months. While I didn't call or text him, and I told him to leave me alone when he called, I spent a lot of the first couple months curled up in a ball on the floor alone and often crying to friends who promised me I would get over him while I declared I would never feel the same for someone again. But guess what? I did get over him, and I did eventually fall in love with a guy who was much better suited for me. And the only way I got there was through the pain - not around it, not over it, but straight through the fire - no shortcuts. And I know if I had tried to date someone in those first 6 months, I wouldn't have been able to see a soul mate even if he was right in front me sharing a coffee. I simply wasn't capable.

 

I am not saying there is a timetable someone should adhere to; we all ford our own deep rivers and you are a unique soul, but if you know you still have your ex on a pedestal and think about her all the time, how fair is it to date another woman who IS ostensibly emotionally available and looking for love? From the Department of Wreaking Least Damage: if you need a distraction, how about guitar lessons? A road trip? Bingo?

 

And please stop being so hard on yourself. When it comes to our thoughts, we have the ability to make course corrections. Consider that when you hear that negative voice berating you, you can tell yourself firmly to stop and, instead, think of one nice thing you can say to yourself... and then say it! Wouldn't it be great if you could be your own best friend and ally instead of your meanest, most critical taskmaster?

[pfbsurf]

Wow. That's good stuff.

 

Wanna go on a date?

 

KIDDING!

 

I have thought about this in regards to this new girl. The old me would have been out paddle boarding or at a museum or some other cool date spot, and date two definitely would not have been during the day - i guess taking it slow for me is to just have coffee and chat. For now, just having a conversation and getting to know someone seems to be fairly harmless. But i get it. That could actually backfire, right?

 

When to bring it up? I think if we go on another couple of dates I'll just let her know where my head is at then. I have no illusions that i am getting back with my recent ex, and its not like we will be communicating.

 

The only question - and its a good one - is how much my growth and "healing" needs to be done alone. I recognize that I was covering up some issues with this last relationship. This breakup was a serious trigger for clinical depression - not just some down days. Now I don't have a life's history of this, but definitely the last 5 or so years my ability to cope in healthy ways has eroded. That is certainly not something I want to bring into a relationship, but it may be something that i'll have to deal with for the rest of my life too...

 

And if one more person tells me to stop being hard on myself... I may stop being hard on myself.

 

this is interesting only because I just went for a walk to clear my head, and it occurred to me that one major advantage to being single is that you have one less person in your life to "judge" you. I think i am hard on myself for some good reasons, but that can turn into some very negative thought patterns, so for now, i'll just say that I'm pretty flippin awesome...

[SophieGrace]

Pf - you ARE pretty flipping' awesome. I know I always enjoy your posts for at least one of the many wonderful qualities you exude - thoughtfulness, humor, vulnerability, directness, and honesty.

 

With respect to your comment "one less person in your life to judge you" - I hate to tell you this, but all this judging that you attribute to other people is really just your basic psych 101 projection. It is your judgement of yourself that you are attributing to other people. If you are okay with yourself, you don't give a crap what someone else says or thinks... unless you feel that way about yourself as well and are "triggered", which is where the meat is. As glass-half-full as this may sound, I try to look at these triggering situations as an opportunity for growth by asking myself what is *really* going on internally for me, and how can I get to a place self forgiveness?

 

As for "growth and healing", I am a huge proponent of NOT going it alone but rather reaching out to friends (or family). That's what I did. It wasn't easy at first, but I got pretty good at ascertaining each friend's level of tolerance for my sadness and taking advantage of their listening skills and pep talks. I was also fortunate to have a good guy friend going through a break up as well, so I had someone with whom to cry and commiserate for hours on end, and we helped keep each other buoyed up and looking forward rather than back.

 

What I have a hard time with in the subtext of your "alone" question (which I think may be a metaphor for "not dating") - probably, in part, because I wouldn't want to be the woman on the other end of this equation - is that it feels like deception to me, putting yourself out there as if you are open to another relationship when you clearly are not ready. Maybe it will backfire; maybe it won't - but is that really the issue? Not to be mean here, but to me it lacks integrity. It's weak and has the potential to hurt someone else. (Of course if you state in your dating profile that you're not looking for a relationship but rather just some company or a fling to distract you from mourning for your ex, at least it's honest and the other person has a choice to participate.)

 

Finally I do really hear you when you write, "If one more person stops telling me to stop being so hard on myself..." (and your very clever response to that). It does certainly sound like a cliche, which I am not fond of because I generally find them offensively simple for the very complex experience I am undergoing, hence somewhat cavalier. But I do believe many of us are our own worst enemies, and the only way to change that is to set an intention to make a concerted effort to be nice to ourselves one day at a time. So good start, flipping' awesome guy.