Don't have guts to split up

[bigbelly2]

I have been with my partner for 10 years and living together for 7 years. I don't fancy her anymore but I don't have the guts to split up.

 

Here is my life history, if relevant:

 

At school I fancied one girl throughout my 3rd-5th years. I was always hoping that she would fancy me - I was miserable throughout these school years because I really believed that if I fancied someone enough, she would fancy me.

 

I went to university and I finally learned my lesson, by the first year, that when a girl says no, she will never change her mind.

 

My first year was generally happy, although I was without a girlfriend.

 

In second year I met what I thought would be my ideal partner (we seemed to get on really well as friends) and I built it up in my mind that we were certain to be together. I set up a party where I was going to make my move but at the soppy songs she started kissing someone else. I stormed out crying (the last time I've ever cried - at the age of 19, 10 years ago) and cried non-stop for hours.

 

I found it hard not to see her for my final two years and my last two years were miserable and it affected my results. I longed for a girlfriend.

 

Towards finishing university I began to start chatting up girls in the street (almost every one I saw) and I thought I was gaining confidence but I still got nowhere. I finally met my girlfriend a few months after university - still while chatting up everyone.

 

I was so incredibly flattered that someone actually fancied me. Although she probably wasn't what I would normally go for I didn't want to lose the one girl who actually likes me. We got on fantastically well and I really believed that we were going to be together forever.

 

After a year I realised that I didn't fancy her anymore so I dumped her. The next day I felt so sick I went to see her and wanted to go back with her again and she did.

 

After about a couple of years (after we had moved in together) we had our first argument. I always wanted a girlfriend who I would never argue with (naive I know). She started being occasionally severe with me and since then I have been less relaxed with her.

 

Since then I have been looking at other girls fairly regularly and occasionally casually asking girls out a long way from home (I'm a bastard - I know) although no one has been interested. It seems that my girlfriend is the only person who fancies me.

 

I want to break up but I don't have the guts. Whenever I feel like breaking up I start feeling sick. I am hoping that she dies or finds someone else. Also, how do I know I will find someone else?

 

It seems that the ideal solution would be to be simply content with my partner who is a nice person, after all surely most people 'make do' with what they have?

 

How do you stay contented without thinking that you are wasting your life?

[randy]

why do u not fancy her anymore. After a while the romance dies and u r usually left with a feeling of being comfortable with eachother. Why do u not fancy her anymore??? What are the reason??? Is it sexual? If so then i suggest u read some books on how to make your sex life more interestring.

[CarterJonas]

Hi and welcome,

 

I think that you have to find the courage from somewhere to tell this girl that it is over! You only live once and she only lives once, so you owe it to yourself and to her to be honest.

 

Breaking up won't be easy to do, it never is for anybody, whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. You will have to stick to your guns after telling her as well, however hard it may seem. Eventually you both will overcome each other and find new interests.

 

It's never nice to be dumped but it is better for her than to be lead on.

[ticklebug]

you can never feel satisfied with someone else as long as you continue to feel like you aren't worth much.

 

for that alone you should seek the help of a counselor...

 

however this comment:

 

I am hoping that she dies

 

is EXTREMELY disturbing. Here is a woman who cares about you and aside from some minor disagreements (which happen in ANY relationship) you wish her to be dead.

 

I strongly urge you to seek out a counselor to help you understand your emotions...

[shuntaro603]

if u continue this relationship it's not fair for either of u guys. this relationship is not healthy, i mean u said u hope she dies. u must end it fast

 

Good luck

[arwen]

Hi and welcome!

 

I could be wrong, so please correct me: the way you tell about the girl that kissed another guy tells me you genuinely loved that girl. The way you tell us about how you responded to female attention after that episode and how you started the relationship with the current girl somehow gives me the impression that you just needed someone. Maybe you got into a relationship where you didn't like the girl that much, so you wouldn't get hurt as you have been before.

 

 

 

Ilse.

[incredble]

y0o if you have tha balls to wish death on her, im sure u got the balls to say it over. i mean if u really dont like her anymore that you wish she dies, i cant see why it will be hard for u to say "its over"

[bigbelly2]

After a while the romance dies and u r usually left with a feeling of being comfortable with eachother.

 

That is what I have been told - I have had a counselling session with Relate (relationship counselling in the UK) and they say that you fall into a feeling of deep friendship after a period of time.

 

I have read books by Relate and they say that it is inevitable for the 'in love' feelings to end within the first two years. They categorise people into three types:

 

1. Some people long for the 'in love' feelings and so end their current relationship and find someone else. They then leave that new person when the 'in love' feelings end and so on. Alternatively, they may stay with the same person but have affairs.

 

2. Some people stay with their current partner without affairs but feel as if they are missing out.

 

3. Some people do not really have the 'in love' high emotions to start with and so can continue in a long term relationship without the problems in types 1 and 2.

 

Type 3 is thereforeeee the best for long-term happiness, whereas types 1 and 2 will always feel there is something missing.

 

Unfortunately, I believe that I am in type 2 and the book is silent on how to move to type 3.

 

When I say 'I wish she was dead' I really mean that if she was no longer around, I would be free to find someone else.

 

In short, I think that, on paper, my relationship is OK (we don't have the rows that others have) but psychologically I will never be happy because I would always be looking for someone else.

 

Suppose I found someone else - how do I know I won't feel the same after a few years?

 

It is all very well saying 'just dump her' but how do you get the guts if you haven't got them? I never thought I would be the sort of person who dumps people.

 

I guess I was just looking for someone when I met my girlfriend but I thought there was no harm in starting a relationship even if I thought she wasn't 100% what I was looking for. I didn't realise it is so impossible to dump someone, especially when she isn't a bad person.

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that the whole girl/boy thing doesn't really suit me and I would be better off not being attracted to girls (or boys for that matter). I know this because sometimes I get so obsessed about a particular woman I cannot concentrate on anything, such as in the office during the working day. At these times, I need to masturbate, and for about 1 hour afterwards, I can work happily as I am no longer interested in girls for that hour. This suggests to me that some kind of chemical castration might stop me thinking that I am 'missing out' on life.

[CarterJonas]

I have read books by Relate and they say that it is inevitable for the 'in love' feelings to end within the first two years

 

I think that that statement is soo true! I'm not exactly sure whether it even lasts two years though. Once the honeymoon period (is this the same as the in love period? - I think so!) is over then it becomes more of a deep friendship.

 

I also agree with the categorize thing you say, some people aren't made to be with one person for life.

 

If you are not truly happy with your partner and are not content at the moment, then I think you need to finish with your girlfriend and date a few other girls; to see if it is any different. Once you have tasted the grass on the other side you might be more content with future relationships.

 

What do you think?

[bigbelly2]

 

If you are not truly happy with your partner and are not content at the moment, then I think you need to finish with your girlfriend and date a few other girls

 

Yes, but HOW do you finish a relationship (especially when you've been together for 10 years)?! If it was that easy I would have done it by now!!

[CarterJonas]

There is only one way you can finish with a person; tell her!

 

Breaking up is not easy for anyone but you have to be strong.

[bigbelly2]

There is only one way you can finish with a person; tell her!

 

Breaking up is not easy for anyone but you have to be strong.

 

Yes, but clearly most people are able to do it but I don't seem to be able. Is that an illness?

 

Last time I tried to leave I went into a deep depression losing a huge amount of weight. It was only after resigning myself to my fate I was able to pull through it.

 

It thereforeeee looks like I have to stay with her to avoid suicide - so by default my question becomes "how do I become content?"

[DragonGirl724]

read this!!

 

link removed

 

maybe she can help you with that final push you may need towards happiness.

 

-DG724

[mscolly]

There's a theory (and it's even biblical) that to love someone, you must first love yourself. That love then spills over to the other person. Looked at another way, if you can't love the person you know best (yourself) how can you love anyone else?

 

You have problems with your own self-esteem: you can't believe anyone could love you and you're scared of rejection. Rather than be rejected, you're getting your foot in first by rejecting. If you can't control the (imagined) future event, at least you're exercising the only control you have, the when. Rather than wait to be rejected, you're precipating events and want to get out of the relationship. Why can't you believe anyone could love you? You've been in this relationship 10 years, surely that says something to you?

 

You need to make a clean decision: either decide to make the relationship you have work, which means addressing this self-esteem problem first, or make a break, leave what you have to break out into the big wide world, all alone. The compromise you have at the moment can't work, even you know that, it's denegrating and doesn't do your self-esteem one drop of good. Take your own life in your own two hands, realise that you're fully responsible for your own happiness and do it, whichever you decide.

 

I feel for you because I'm in a similar but worse situation (5 kids and 18 years of marriage). I know full well that you need a good dose of courage. But the consequences of not finding that courage could be dire. Think, weigh up the pros and cons, then do it.

[bigbelly2]

Someone PLEASE answer:

 

If you can't split up, how do you stay content?

[Abacab]

Sorry bigbelly, this isn't the answer but a reflection:

 

You can remain with a partner even though you want separation. But you do not stay content! You willingly or unwillingly enter into a state of indifference or self-denial. The sense of security and/or companionship will eventually keep you going.

 

Cheers

[jasminebose]

Hi,

I think you can stay with someone you are not totally content with. However there is a difference between staying because you are too afraid to break up and staying because you want to try and make it work.

 

No one is perfect and relps take work- fact. Knowing that passion tends to fade after 2 years and dealing with it are totally different things. When I first got married I thought it was all about me and getting my needs met. After trying to persuade my husband of this by nagging, yelling, etc I realised maybe thats not what its about.

I realised people feel most content when they are meeting another persons needs and when they know that they make a difference to someone. What you need to do is to work hard at making her happy and if you succeed at that I think you will feel happy too. This relp is not just about you, you have forgotten you are in this together.

JB

[bigbelly2]

I still don't understand why I can't split up!!!!

 

I went to Relate counselling and they seemed at a loss! It is if no one else in the world doesn't have the guts to split up!

 

It looks like I'm with her for life unless someone else can think of something!

 

I have three choices:

 

1. Someone needs to show me how to split up

2. Someone needs to show me how to be content

3. Kill myself

[ruby05]

i know exactly what you mean. i have the same problem. i have been with mine for 17 years, since i was 15 years old. we have three kids. i can't stand even hearing his voice or looking at him anymore. i don't want him to kiss or touch me. it just groses me out.

 

i want to break it off so bad, that's all i think about. i have even planned it all out and went house hunting. i even tell him, but i just can't seriously do it.

 

it has nothing to do with my kids. they want me to break it off. so do my parents and friends. i just can't. i don't know what's wrong with me either.

 

i too, hope that he dies. i know exactly what you mean.

[Julie2004]

Bigbelly2 - Please don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think you are abnormal by being afraid to end your relationship. In fact, I feel that most people who stay in their unhappy marriages do so because they don't have the guts to end it.

 

I have been married for almost 18 years. I tried to divorce 7 years ago. I was scared to death. My husband has a very powerful and intense family, and he is definitely controlling. Plus..I have two kids. He confronted me about a personal issue one time, and then I just whispered to myself.."do it NOW!" So I did. I said I wanted a divorce very clearly and calmly. I shocked the $%^& out of him. After much conversation and yelling, he let me go to bed. Then he woke me up at about 3 am, and every 3 am after that until I let him convince me to work the marriage out. (yes, we had been to counseling, and even the counselor suggested divorce.)

 

Well bigbelly2, here I am today - STILL MARRIED, but yes, I am nervous and I AM GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER AGAIN!!!. I can't right now, because my son has a big birthday affair in October, and I can't spoil it for him. But my future single "due date" is set in my head, I have a counselor backing me up with support, and a sister whom I confide in to also give me moral support. I have rehearsed this in my mind several times, and probably will continue to do so until October.

 

You see, it is difficult because you know you will inflict pain in someone else. But if marriages were so easy to break up, there would probably be even fewer lasting than there are now.

 

Remember, the greatest things in life are not the easiest to obtain. In this case, it is your independence and the chance for emotional happiness. Keep thinking about the future, and visualize what your life will be like AFTER, and then bit the bullet and tell her. Look at it as a small price to pay for TRUE HAPPINESS!! Life is short, and getting shorter. You will be very proud of yourself after, and don't give in to any of her arguments.

 

Stick to your guns, and maybe pretend you are in a movie role. Hey, even picture Brad Pitt breaking up with Jennifer Aniston. I'm sure that one wasn't easy. Just become someone else for that short time, close your eyes and let the rehearsed words come out. DON'T BACK DOWN! I think as SOON AS THE WORDS COME OUT, you will be happy and experience relief, regardless of any explosions that may come from your "STBX"!!!

 

Good luck, I am rooting for you!

 

PS - I have a sister who I am quite sure is much weaker than you feel, and she did it. She said the worse part was the anxiety before. She felt instantly better the day she told her ex.

 

Close your eyes...put on those Nikes, and JUST DO IT! Smile at the life you will soon be living

[btbt]

Hear, hear mscolly. That is good advice!

 

bigbelly, how do you get from -- "can't break up with the girl" to "kill yourself"? That's very extreme and irrational. What are the things that you truly fear from breaking up with the girl? It sounds like you are afraid of being alone. For this reason, you should break up with the girl, as you even said so yourself that you got into the relationship because you didn't think you could do any better. I agree with the others -- work on loving this girl in the everyday sense of making a solid day to day life with her; or move on. By moving on, don't jump into another relationship but work on your self-esteem and obession with being attractive to others. Find contentment in yourself apart from a woman -- that's the answer to your question, "How do you be content?"

[travelbound]

have you heard about the landmark forum? otherwise go and get some councelling to talk through what your issues are.

 

I think it could be very beneficial for you.... Where do you live?

 

It is an enquiry into what it is to be human, and it teaches you how to step out of your comfort zone and how to do things that you didn't think that you could do.

 

I have realisd just how much potential I have and what I have to offer, and I am leaving my job to go travelling and working in South America in October. I am 31 years old.

 

You can learn what it takes to finish with your girlfriend, and realise that you can do it! It is about feeling the fear, and stepping beyond it and doing it anyway!

 

check out link removed. It will change your outlook on yourself and on life.

[jevonj77]

I think you need to find out why it is that you no longer find her attractive or like her like you did before. I think this is important. Because you seemed to once before get with a girl just because you needed someone to be with because your heart was broken...well, then you weren't man enough to tell yourself that you were just using her, so this time you might have gotten in a relationship that you were simply using...

You got to me man about these things because in fact it isn't right...either you decide once and for all to accept her and decide to start learning how to love her from now on...or get ready and prep yourself for how it is you are going to tell her...after you have found out why you don't love her...I don't think that either way it is going to be easy.

[Bethany]

The reason you haven't got the guts to tell her that you don't fancy her anymore and the reason you cannot leave is the same reason that you now bring suicide into this... and the reason is that YOU ARE A COWARD. Don't be a sad weak b*****d and admit the truth. Your bored and depressed.

You have the power to change your life so and change it so why not change it for BOTH of you. Maybe she thinks the same about you, maybe she's bored and depressed too, have you asked her?have you talked?? Maybe you could have some fun trying to put the zest back into your lives together?

NO? then ..She'd be better off with someone who loves her like she deserves anyway so tell her and go, and you'd be better off being depressed in some bedsit watching TV for the rest of your life. Something to look forward to, isn't it?. Wake up!!!!!

[bigbelly2]

The reason you haven't got the guts to tell her that you don't fancy her anymore and the reason you cannot leave is the same reason that you now bring suicide into this... and the reason is that YOU ARE A COWARD. Don't be a sad weak b*****d and admit the truth. Your bored and depressed.

 

OK, I am a coward. It is easy to say I am a coward.

 

But how do I stop being a coward? Other people don't seem to be cowards and can do whatever they want.