I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

[Flyer79]

I wouldn't have paid her bill. The relationship is way too new to be throwing finances into the mix. Crikeys! Be very carefull here. Please..

[ManInLove]

I haven't heard from her yet. She probably left her phone at home since it wasn't working anyway.

 

My friend made me feel better earlier. She said that she thinks that my girlfriend really cares for me, but due to emotional reasons is unconsciously distancing herself from me. My friend suggested that I ease up and stay optimistic. My other friend said something similar. She said that if loving this woman and being with her is what I really want, then I should dig in, be patient, and fight for what I want.

 

Any future relationship with her won't be your typical suburban couple type of thing. I will have to make a lot of adjustments, but so would she. I'll stick to my deadline and see if she makes some adjustments for me. Once the month ends, if I see that she has made efforts, then I will stay and continue working on improving our communication and finding a middle ground.

 

Real love is worth fighting for.

[Flyer79]

If it is what you want, all well and good, but it has to be mutual. If she doesn't want it, then well I guess you have to consider what happens then.

[brokenspirit]

Instead of "covering the bills" why dont u give her a set amount each week and she can actually manage the bills and outgoings herself. It gives u a clear amount that youre investing each week and she can prove to you that shes actually trying to save and make ends meet with your help rather than just ignoring all her utility payments side of her life. I understand you are trying to lighten the load for her to chase her dream but are you okay to keep doing that for years or however long it takes? By then what happens to the relationship?

Im sure you dont but please dont expect this to follow in line with what brought you and your ex wife together. I dont think this is a good basis or foundation to build a relationship.

[ManInLove]

If it is what you want, all well and good, but it has to be mutual. If she doesn't want it, then well I guess you have to consider what happens then.

 

Yes. If she refuses to compromise and make the changes needed to nurture our relationship, then it will end.

 

I also think that in some ways I am unfair. She did say when we met that she was absolutely not looking for a relationship. Her mind changed after a few dates. Her life is very turbulent. Not just due to her work, but also personal issues. She has gone through a very terrible loss earlier this year and in a couple of weeks will have to revisit it when she goes out of state for a memorial. She is also emotional because of another awful loss... This one from a decade ago, but brought to the forefront due to some events, circumstances, and people. The things that this woman has been put through in her life... I would not wish them on any human being. She does not express her emotions the way I do, she is much more reserved and even keeled. The only emotions that at times get her are negative ones. The positive ones stay below the surface. Yet, I can tell through it all when she is happy through her body language and through the way that I feel around her. When she is unhappy or upset, it's like the world around us is covered with ice. I need to factor all that into my interpretation of her words and actions. I also need to take into account that her best friend told me she thinks that my girlfriend truly cares deeply for me.

[ManInLove]

Instead of "covering the bills" why dont u give her a set amount each week and she can actually manage the bills and outgoings herself. It gives u a clear amount that youre investing each week and she can prove to you that shes actually trying to save and make ends meet with your help rather than just ignoring all her utility payments side of her life.

 

I thought of that and it seemed to me that if I gave her an envelope stuffed with cash each week, I'd feel that I was buying her affection. Even though I'd know that it's not so, I may subconsciously build some resentment.

 

I may think on that some more and may bring it up with her.

 

I understand you are trying to lighten the load for her to chase her dream but are you okay to keep doing that for years or however long it takes? By then what happens to the relationship?

 

I don't think that it'll be an issue. If the relationship progresses then eventually we will cohabitate and the bills will be joint anyway. Also, I'm sure that once she can stand on her own two feet, she'll not need my help. She didn't ask for the bills to be paid. I was the one who offered it in the beginning.

 

Im sure you dont but please dont expect this to follow in line with what brought you and your ex wife together. I dont think this is a good basis or foundation to build a relationship.

 

As far as my first wife goes, the business wasn't what brought us together. We had a lot of other things in common before I started the business. The business came about when I couldn't find the job that I wanted, but it was also a goal of mine. Years before I worked for a company in another state. The business was owned by a really great person and I viewed him as a role model. Since then I wanted to run my own place and treat those who worked for me like he treated me. I would have taken the opportunity without her help. I would have managed. I've had a LOT of experience at being completely broke yet finding ways to get by.

[Silvergalaxy]

I apologize, this might sound harsh.

 

Stop making excuses for this woman. Even if she doesn't want a relationship, nobody is forcing her to stay in it. But she's staying in it. Except she doesn't ask to see you, blows off plans with you at the last minute, disappears for days on end, yet has no problem asking you to pay for the phone she barely uses to communicate with you and accepting expensive gifts. You are letting her disrespect you and take advantage of you.

 

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are very high on her priority list. Please stand up for yourself and stop throwing money her way when she's barely making an effort to show you that she cares about this relationship.

[ManInLove]

I apologize, this might sound harsh.

 

Stop making excuses for this woman. Even if she doesn't want a relationship, nobody is forcing her to stay in it. But she's staying in it. Except she doesn't ask to see you, blows off plans with you at the last minute, disappears for days on end, yet has no problem asking you to pay for the phone she barely uses to communicate with you and accepting expensive gifts. You are letting her disrespect you and take advantage of you.

 

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are very high on her priority list. Please stand up for yourself and stop throwing money her way when she's barely making an effort to show you that she cares about this relationship.

 

Thanks. That's pretty much the gist of all the meaningful responses from above. I think that I have made progress and am no longer looking at her like a puppy looks at a shiny new bone, but I obviously have much work to do. Maybe paying the bill was wrong, maybe not. I don't regret doing it nor do I regret doing any of the other things that I've done for her, but I am making that deadline and I won't initiate contact until she does.

 

If she does text or call me, should I say something like "L.., we need to talk as soon as possible. I am available then or then, please pick one," and when we see each other have the talk?

[brokenspirit]

If she does text or call me, should I say something like "L.., we need to talk as soon as possible. I am available then or then, please pick one," and when we see each other have the talk?

 

If you were in her position and a guy said that to you does it sound assertive, confident and makes you feel like "yea, i need to talk with this guy so i dont lose him"?

I dont think so..

 

Maybe something like "I will be having a coffee at 10-11am at Awesome Super Cafe, if you feel that you respect me enough to listen to what I have to say meet me there otherwise I will take the hint."

 

others feel free to chime in here~

[dreamguy]

Maybe something like "I will be having a coffee at 10-11am at Awesome Super Cafe, if you feel that you respect me enough to listen to what I have to say meet me there otherwise I will take the hint."

 

others feel free to chime in here~

 

Absolutely.

[ManInLove]

When I do meet her, I will have the talk.

 

Talking points that I will try to bring up:

 

1. I don’t feel like I’m a priority for you.

2. I don’t feel respected.

3. I feel that you don’t make an effort to communicate with me.

4. When you change plans at the last moment and simply text me without calling, I feel like I’m not important to you at all and that I’m just a backup plan. Once something comes along, I get brushed aside.

 

I will then bring up the following:

 

People make time for those that they care about. No matter how busy someone is, time can always be found for one’s loved ones. You find time to go to the beach and have dinner with friends. You should be able to find time for your boyfriend.

 

It does not take extreme amounts of effort or time to keep communication going and to show that you care and that I’m on your mind. Because you are the one with the unpredictable schedule, communication is best to be initiated by you.

 

I’ll give some of the following examples:

 

Let’s say that you’re working at the studio for the day. You work for a few hours, then when you take a break, you take out your phone and call me. A short conversation will not interfere with your work, but will demonstrate that I’m on your mind. Hearing each other’s voice in the middle of the day will give both of us a boost of positive energy.

 

You come home. You are tired. You sit down and take a few minutes to call me. You do it because you are interested in how my day went and because you know that hearing your voice will bring me happiness.

 

You plan to work much tomorrow. You call me the night before and ask if I’ll have breakfast with you before work. We’ll get to see each other and begin the day on a truly positive note.

 

You haven’t seen me for a few days. You make sure to be done work a bit early. You call me in the middle of the day and ask if I want to have dinner. You may get a bit less work done, but you’ll have good time with your man and help nurture our relationship.

 

You plan to have a day off and tell me about it so that we could plan a short getaway. You make sure that no one disturbs you on that day and enjoy your time with the man who cares about you.

 

You ask me how late I’ll be working. Then while I’m still away you take the train to my place and wait for me to arrive. I receive a truly pleasant surprise of seeing the woman that I care for waiting for me at home. To make it even better you wear something really sexy and revealing.

 

We make plans for a date, but something truly important comes up. You feel that you cannot postpone this thing. You don’t just text me and brush me off. You call and tell me about this thing, let me know why it’s important. Together we come up with alternate plans for our date. This way you get to do this important thing, you make sure that your boyfriend knows that he is your priority, and you still end up having a date. The relationship gets nurtured instead of poisoned.

 

I will present my expectations regarding communication:

 

I want us to speak at least every other day and I want us to see each other twice a week at the very least. In addition I want us to make an effort to have sex often. I think that sex at least once a week is reasonable considering our schedules and such.

 

If she agrees to these or presents her own ideas and we agree on something, then our relationship will go on.

 

If she refuses then I will walk away.

 

Does this sound reasonable? I am I making too many demands?

[dreamguy]

It's not just about making too many demands. It's too long and most people don't have a long attention span.

Just tell her that you don't feel she is making enough efforts to meet you half way and you don't feel she is giving you the respect and normal attention anyone in a relationship gets.

Then let her do the talking.

[ManInLove]

I stressed over this all night and got very little sleep. I made a mistake working on a project for a client this morning because I'm so tired. I took the rest of the day off. I'll sleep, relax, and work out. I hope that these things will help my mental state.

 

At some point this morning I was thinking the following:

 

I must stop stressing over this. If she truly loves me, we'll work it out. If she doesn't, I'll move on. She is just another human being. She has her perfections and her imperfections. I am a good person and a great catch for any woman. I am smart, kind, respectful, honest, and attractive. If she ends up failing to see these things, then some other woman will.

 

I'm going to wait for her to contact me. When she does, I'll ask her to see me like in the advice above.

[dreamguy]

The trick to sticking to NC is to avoid thinking about the ex, checking their photos/texts/emails anywhere or even waiting for them to call.

 

The worst thing you can do is set a deadline for your NC. For example you might tell yourself "I will not contact her for 2 weeks". If you do that you are setting yourself up for deception because once the time has elapsed you will be tempted to justify the fact that you can now contact her.

The only moment it's ok to contact an ex after initiating NC is when you are fully healed (e.g. when a news like them getting married to someone else doesn't affect you at all) or when/if that ex makes it clear they made a mistake, they love you and they want you back.

 

Always keep asking yourself these questions: "Am I happy in this relationship ? Why am I still here ? Why do I accept much less than I deserve when I can go out there and find someone who will probably give me that ? Have I not given her enough time/hints to change ? Did she take them into consideration ?"

[ManInLove]

Always keep asking yourself these questions: "Am I happy in this relationship ? Why am I still here ? Why do I accept much less than I deserve when I can go out there and find someone who will probably give me that ? Have I not given her enough time/hints to change ? Did she take them into consideration ?"

 

Thank you. I will not contact her. I do hope that she will contact me and we'll be able to have that discussion.

[ManInLove]

She just texted me. She left her phone at someone else's place and just got it back. I am going for a run. I'll respond when I am done.

[mhowe]

She seems to have more than her fair share of problems with that phone....no charge, turned off, left at someone's house, needs more minutes.

 

You really need to think about this.

[Doc Blaze]

"All the doubts are in my mind. As far as forgetting her phone... This has happened many times. Once she was without it for two days, another time she left it in a friend's car, still a bunch of other times she forgot to charge it. One time I got really upset over that and bought her five chargers to keep at home, at the studio, and with her at all times."

 

 

what happenes when a child can get away with something..they push and push and keep on seeing how far they can go without any consquences until the parents put their foot down..

 

i feel this is similiar..how long are you going to let her get away with things until you put your foot down..because now its not oh she forgot it once, its been more than a few times..even days...

[mhowe]

In 5 years, my bf has misplaced his phone 3x. Three.

[IAmFCA]

The only man I dated with bad cell service, etc is a man who had other commitments.

 

ENA saw what I didn't want to see, even though I knew it in my mind. When you are ready, you will free yourself from this chaos.

[ManInLove]

...what happenes when a child can get away with something..they push and push and keep on seeing how far they can go without any consquences until the parents put their foot down..

 

i feel this is similiar..how long are you going to let her get away with things until you put your foot down..because now its not oh she forgot it once, its been more than a few times..even days...

 

She seems to have more than her fair share of problems with that phone....no charge, turned off, left at someone's house, needs more minutes.

 

You really need to think about this.

 

The only man I dated with bad cell service, etc is a man who had other commitments.

 

ENA saw what I didn't want to see, even though I knew it in my mind. When you are ready, you will free yourself from this chaos.

 

I texted about an hour ago: "Hi, babe. I took the day off. Went running and just got back to my car."

 

The way that I see it, I have a few paths to follow:

 

1. Go back to being needy and keep on asking her out and to hang out or to call me.

2. "Play hard to get" like in the various advice posts above: Respond to her like I did today, but not initiate contact or ask her out until she does so herself.

3. Force the hand and send the coffee shop message.

[IAmFCA]

flip the script: are you getting what you want?

[ManInLove]

flip the script: are you getting what you want?

 

Sometimes, but usually not.

[IAmFCA]

THAT is where you start your thinking. Not how you react to her. The control begins with you.

 

It is a few hops a skip and a jump to the place where you say, Well wait a minute, I wanted to get what I want that HER, but that doesn't seem to be working out. So, where do I find it? And eventually, her value diminishes because she doesn't deliver.

[brokenspirit]

Can u do better?

Maybe its time to jump the shaky ship and swim to a nice island..