dreamguy Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 It would be better to continue posting here as many people, those who replied at least, are probably following the thread. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 It would be better to continue posting here as many people, those who replied at least, are probably following the thread. OK. I will. Thanks. So, I had a dream about her last night. This is common as I dream of her often. Most of the times the dreams are erotic in nature, but this time I was telling her how her behavior upsets and hurts me. For some reason Michael Bay was in my dream, encouraging me. Seriously? Some of the people that I met yesterday invited me to lunch today. I will go. Maybe I'll make friends and work on not thinking of her. I'll post here if I get urges to contact her. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 I think that in addition to following my plan from above I will also work on taking everything that she says at face value. She has never given me reason to doubt her sincerity. She may have been inconsiderate and rude, but honest. She did say that her art will come first. Always. This project that she was doing Saturday just feel on her lap on Friday. She didn't expect to have to start so soon because on Friday she said it'll take time to plan. If this works out, it'll boost her reputation and open a door to a whole lot of clients. In addition it will bring very significant financial rewards. She needs those badly. Of course none of this means that she should be inconsiderate towards me. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 She just texted me. She said that she fell asleep last night waiting for 9 PM (I told her that I had plans until 9). Should I ask her out today? Link to comment
dreamguy Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 No. She is just trying to get back at you for playing hard to get (i.e. saying you have plans till 9:00 pm). Just say something like "No problem. We'll catch up later". Try to get her to be the one who suggests meeting etc... Think about it, why do you root for her ? Because she is often too busy for you and doesn't have you high on a pedestal. Time for you to do the same buddy. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 OK. I will wait for her co contact me. Thanks. Link to comment
dreamguy Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Every time you think "oh no, if I don't contact her she will think I don't care or get mad at me... I'd better text her now !!" just remember where this behavior lead you. Can you safely say you are happy in your relationship with her and you are getting the attention and respect you deserve ? If your answer is "no" then it's time to change your behavior. Einstein once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I am not encouraging you to play games, I am simply asking you to stand up for yourself and calmly demand (with your actions and without asking for it verbally) to be respected and valued as a man in her life. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I don't know. I think that I'll be fine once a specific pattern is established and once communication is normalized. If she commits to talking with me on the phone regularly and communicating promptly about all her plan changes then I'll be OK. If not then I'll get fed up eventually. Right now I am so very much in love with her, but I am also angry at her. What you need to realize is that this will NOT happen with her....she isn't the type person who has established patterns for anything. She is flaky....that's who she is....my BFF is flaky and I lover her anyways...but it is who she is. I can't change it and I can't expect her to change for me or for anyone. If this woman wanted to change her flaky ways and set established patterns for communication and time together...I'm sorry to say she would have done it already. That being said, I think your goals of not contacting her and not asking her to do things for the time being and making a decision at the end of the month are all good goals. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Yes continue letting her initiate the contact. And yes would prefer to continue to follow this thread here too. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I think it is also good you have given yourself a dead line to then make the decision on the relationship. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Every time you think "oh no, if I don't contact her she will think I don't care or get mad at me... I'd better text her now !!" just remember where this behavior lead you. Can you safely say you are happy in your relationship with her and you are getting the attention and respect you deserve ? If your answer is "no" then it's time to change your behavior... Thank you. I'm obviously not happy, and hence this thread. I have not contacted her since earlier today and will continue not to. ....she isn't the type person who has established patterns for anything. She is flaky....that's who she is.... If this woman wanted to change her flaky ways and set established patterns for communication and time together...I'm sorry to say she would have done it already... I agree to an extent. If she truly wants to be with me as much as she says that she does, then if I follow your advice (and that of DG, Flyer, and others here) and show her that she may lose me, she may come around. If not, then at the end of the month I'll be on link removed or OK Cupid or some other such site. I think it is also good you have given yourself a dead line to then make the decision on the relationship. We'll see if I make it. I am trying to grow a backbone and act like a man. I can do it in my business life so there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to do it in my personal life. I kept myself occupied with fun stuff today and tried to be social. I had lunch with some people from last night's Meetup and ended up in a nice conversation with a young lady who has recently moved to our city. Obviously there was no hint of a romantic possibility, but I was able to initiate a conversation with an attractive female. Afterwards I went running. Towards the end of my circuit which takes about two hours, as I was getting tired, I started thinking of her. My thoughts and feelings cycled between something like "F--- you, b----" and "I love her so much." I'll post here when I need encouragement or when there are new developments. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Glad to hear you enjoyed your day. Backbones, yes I need one of those too more often.. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Glad to hear you enjoyed your day. Backbones, yes I need one of those too more often.. I just read your new thread. I can't offer any comments or insights, obviously, but I wish you all the luck you can have and truly hope that things will work out for you and your boyfriend. Link to comment
laxdad Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 if you find one. let me know I am looking for one too Link to comment
dreamguy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 The moment you all realize you will be ok and life will still go on even without your bf/gf and you can still meet someone else at any time... that's when you'll find the strength you need to change your behavior. As long as you are convinced you will be miserable without your current bf/gf then you will keep doing the same thing, and eventually getting the same results. But let me ask you one thing: aren't you already miserable in such a one sided relationship ? Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 The moment you all realize you will be ok and life will still go on even without your bf/gf and you can still meet someone else at any time... that's when you'll find the strength you need to change your behavior. As long as you are convinced you will be miserable without your current bf/gf then you will keep doing the same thing, and eventually getting the same results. But let me ask you one thing: aren't you already miserable in such a one sided relationship ? Yes, this is the gist of the same thing that you said before... I have been making an efforts and what you and others post helps much! I had a great day yesterday and will try to continue being happy doing things that don't involve her. I woke up this morning, angry at her, and spent some time being mad and going over stuff in my mind, only getting madder. Then I forced myself to stop and change gears. I have a great life: I have caring friends, I have fun acquaintances, I own a respected business, I am attractive to the opposite sex, and I have lots of opportunities to do things that I enjoy. Lots of people can only dream of being where I am in life. Why should I be so depressed or mad? I am capable of giving her love, I can help her achieve her goals, I am ready to be supportive both emotionally and financially, but she has to appreciate me and reciprocate. Until such time as she is ready to do so, I'll work on concentrating my energy elsewhere. Today I'll be working on a really cool project for a client and I intend to enjoy it to the max. Later on I'll cook a steak, enjoy a good book for a while, and later enjoy a good workout. I am determined to have a great day. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I just got a text from a strange number. It's her telling me that her phone got shut of for non-payment and asking me to take care of it. She said that she'll give me the money for it. This explains why she didn't contact me back yesterday... if the phone was off, she couldn't have. Just to give a bit of background: I bought her the phone that she has and said that while she is in financial hardship I will cover the bill. After our spat a bit over a week ago she said that she will work to pay her own bills because she doesn't want me to think that she's with me for money. Also, when I went to the cell phone store a few weeks back they said that the bill was up to date... I should have called the carrier directly because the local store is staffed by some people who aren't too bright. I'm going to pay her bill, but then what should I say to her? I don't want her money, I know she needs it to pay other bills. I'll cover the phone. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Just stop...she is getting worse by the minute. The minute you paid for! Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Just stop...she is getting worse by the minute. The minute you paid for! I'm not going to leave her without a working phone. Regardless of everything, I do believe that she is honest with me. She may have disrespected me and mistreated me, but she didn't lie. I'm not going to leave her phoneless, however I feel that I must say something to assert my position. Maybe something to the effect that I don't need her money, but what I do need is an actual girlfriend who makes effort and compromises to be with me and make me feel like she cares for her me and doesn't take me for granted. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 How about something like this: When her phone is up and she texts me thanks, I will respond with: "L.., I don't need thanks or money from you. What I want is a girlfriend who makes an effort and compromises in order to be with me. You come home from the studio, you are tired, you sit down and take a minute to call and tell me how your day went. You stay up an extra hour in the evening just so that you could have your boyfriend come over and have some ice cream with you. You make efforts to stick to plans and if you can't, you make a phone call and discuss it with me, make alternate plans... Instead, what I get now is leftovers." Link to comment
dreamguy Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 How about this. You don't pay for the phone. You stand up for yourself. Those actions will be enough to show you are dead serious about only accepting a girlfriend who makes efforts and compromises to be with you ? All the things you posted above, things you are going to say will only prove to her you still can't get a backbone. You've already told her all that many many times. Did she change ? I didn't think so. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 How about this. You don't pay for the phone. You stand up for yourself. Those actions will be enough to show you are dead serious about only accepting a girlfriend who makes efforts and compromises to be with you ? All the things you posted above, things you are going to say will only prove to her you still can't get a backbone. You've already told her all that many many times. Did she change ? I didn't think so. Do I just ignore this text that I got? I feel like that would be dishonest. What if I do pay the bill, but then accept the money from her when she gives it to me? Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 why cant she pay for a phone..she works her ass off always has projects and people who need her to work but no money for a cell phone..i call bs... but if you want to fall for it..go for it.. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm going to try to explain why I felt like I should pay for the phone. When she and I discussed relationship and finances a while back I said that I'd like to take care of some of her bills so that she could put her money into getting art supplies and such. She also has to save up for a trip for an important family function (a memorial for a close family member). All the projects and such that she has going on are such that pay only after they are done, and most of them pay little. The main benefit for a fledgling artist is to be recognized. Many years ago, when I first started my business I was totally broke. Due to lack of credit I couldn't get a business loan so I had to actually start from nothing. I just had enough money to pay for the rent for my new storefront. The woman that I was dating at the time volunteered to cover my bills and expenses because she believed in me. My business struggled, but eventually became successful. Some time later she became my wife. The marriage failed, but for reasons completely unrelated to finances or the business. A few hours ago I sat down with a close friend and we looked over the printout of my texts with my girlfriend as well as my recollections of our other encounters. We both concluded that she has, indeed, been making an effort to communicate better. She has a very long way to go, but we both decided that the effort was there. I paid the phone bill. I won't call her until she calls me. I will stick to my timetable of ending the relationship at the end of the month if I don't feel truly appreciated and loved. You may think that my reasoning is wrong and that I am weak, and there is a good chance that you are completely correct. However, this is what I felt was the right thing to do. Even if our relationship fails and in the end I've just spent a bunch of money on a flaky woman, at least I will know that I did good things for a good person. She may not be the angel that I imagined her to be. She may not be Van Gogh or Monet, but I have no doubts that she is a kind and caring human being and that she truly has a talent for art. I will appreciate further advice and I will attempt to follow it, but I will also have my conscience to consider. Link to comment
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