I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

[bulletproof]

 

“bulletproof” asked about my upbringing. I grew up with divorced parents and until age 11 they had a somewhat shared custody. I lived sometimes with my mother, sometimes with my father, sometimes with grandparents. At 11 my father moved overseas and I was taken along. I won’t go into all the details but will say that I had a very abusive step mother there and no support from my father. Luckily I had a loving aunt.

 

Okay. So be very careful that you are not choosing a woman who is unavailable in order to live out the past. Part of the attraction might be that she is unavailable, because you never resolved that when you were being moved back and forth between your parents, grandparents, and aunt. This is all just guesswork on my end, but I had a boyfriend who was very similar to you, and he had a a similar upbringing. He was always very needy because he never got what he needed emotionally from his parents.

[faraday]

Idk about the "unavailable" idea just because she doesn't want to talk every day...I've been reading up on anxious attachment relationships...and about 20% of the population has this...I was in one of those relationships for a while...and I thought they were normal after that...I thought it was normal to text all day, everyday with an SO...and it's just not. Couples should do what feels right for them...but for both of them. And not...out of insecurity or fear. That's a terrible reason to do anything. If you reach out to your partner, it should be because you're telling them something or something reminded you of them....not to get an immediate response because you're worried they're cheating on you or don't love you.

 

The OP's gf sounds like a person with healthy relationship boundaries...she sounds like she's trying to contact him more often...because she likes him. Op, you can use her as a model for the kind of behavior you want to embody....she seems like a good role model. Try not to over think things. And I'm glad you were able to calm your anxiety.

 

Always remember...with everything in life...it's all paradigm. Whether you think you can...or that you can't...you're right. So...just decide you don't want to be an insecure person...and decide to be secure. I know it sounds like...I'm over simplifying it...but it really is a decision...and one that you can make. You control your own destiny...so own it.

[bulletproof]

 

The OP's gf sounds like a person with healthy relationship boundaries...

 

I think she seems nice enough and is perhaps trying, but it's not okay that she made plans with him and then when he showed up she was nowhere to be found. She completely stood him up. That's what I mean by "unavailable." While someone standing me up very early on may have made me rethink whether I wanted to date that person, the o.p. may have been more interested *because* of this behavior (although it's probably not conscious).

 

But I agree that couples should not be in constant contact every minute of the day. They should have jobs, lives, other friends and interests that keep them from doing that.

[faraday]

I didn't read the other thread...I wouldn't be okay with being stood up. I mean, stuff happens...and I think it needs tone looked at to see of it a pattern. My first date with my bf...half an hour before the date was supposed to start, I asked him if he would mind meeting me somewhere else on the other side of town- I was having kid issues. If he had looked at it in a negative light...we wouldn't be together. And I haven't done that to him since.

 

It's all about patterns

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Doc Blaze]

Op I read the other thread....flaking on plans and going MIA for a few days without any kind of heads up or anything would be a done deal for me...it sounds sketchy....but you still need to deal with your insecurity issues..

[faraday]

Ohhhh boy. I just read the Op in the other thread (not the responses). OP, she views you as a doormat.

 

Listen...you need to get it together now or this will end. You need to get a life...and I mean that in the nicest way. Go out with your friends...and leave your phone at home for the evening. Go out as much as you can. Start volunteering...become less attached to your phone...and also...don't give her so much of your time. Don't let it be okay when she ditches you.

 

You're teaching her that you'll be waiting for her whenever she's done doing whatever she's doing.

 

Next time she says, "I'm running late", say, "that's okay...I was invited to do ____, so let's just do this another night." and ACTUALLY GO DO SOMETHING. Only be available to see her a night a week.

 

She'll either clue in that you're not a door mat...or she'll be too preoccupied with her things and this will end naturally. Either way...you'll increase your value for the next person.

 

If you don't value yourself and your time...don't expect someone else to. Respect yourself first.

[ManInLove]

Thanks for the responses… Again!

 

I didn’t think to wait til morning, so I responded last night (about 2 hours after she texted) and said that I hoped she had a good day. I also made a small joke.

 

I saw my therapist this morning and she recommended that I work on easing up and relaxing. She gave me new exercises, but also said that it’s OK if I contact my girlfriend and not wait for her as long as I’m not obsessive about it. I texted her this morning and asked if she had dinner plans. She said she did, but she’ll call me afterwards. She also said that she missed me. This will be good practice for me to not stress or fret over it and see whether she calls or not. She did respond to my texts in a timely manner.

 

Okay. So be very careful that you are not choosing a woman who is unavailable in order to live out the past

 

My therapist said something similar and advised that I need to mentally prepare myself to the idea that she may not be the one. This way I will be more relaxed and self-confident. I will be able to cope well whether this works out or not.

 

I think she seems nice enough and is perhaps trying, but it's not okay that she made plans with him and then when he showed up she was nowhere to be found. She completely stood him up. That's what I mean by "unavailable." …

 

But I agree that couples should not be in constant contact every minute of the day. They should have jobs, lives, other friends and interests that keep them from doing that.

 

She has been in contact and she has not made promises to meet when she couldn’t. I think that she truly is making an effort. I owe it to myself and to her to make an effort and be more understanding of her schedule and be more understanding when she can’t see me as often as I’d like to see her.

 

Ohhhh boy. I just read the Op in the other thread (not the responses). OP, she views you as a doormat.

 

Listen...you need to get it together now or this will end. You need to get a life...

 

You're teaching her that you'll be waiting for her whenever she's done doing whatever she's doing.

 

Next time she says, "I'm running late", say, "that's okay...I was invited to do ____, so let's just do this another night." and ACTUALLY GO DO SOMETHING. Only be available to see her a night a week.

 

She'll either clue in that you're not a door mat...or she'll be too preoccupied with her things and this will end naturally. Either way...you'll increase your value for the next person.

 

If you don't value yourself and your time...don't expect someone else to. Respect yourself first.

 

I don’t think that I’m strong enough to see her just one night a week… Though it may work out that way anyway since we haven’t seen each other since Sunday. I think that I’ve done a lot towards “getting a life.” I spend time with friends when I can, I’m in the hiking club, I volunteer for an animal rescue, I see lots of movies and do other things. I’m also looking at going back to college in the fall.

[laxdad]

what kind of exercises did your therapist give you?

I have having some challenges and experiencing some withdraws from GF.

We are trying to give a little space, but am finding it hard to not text her as much and letting her text me first.

[ManInLove]

what kind of exercises did your therapist give you?

I have having some challenges and experiencing some withdraws from GF.

We are trying to give a little space, but am finding it hard to not text her as much and letting her text me first.

 

She has me working on what's called "cognitive distortions" where I see a situation being way worse than it actually is. I have to do a few things:

 

1. Write down what had happened and my negative thoughts and feelings about it. For example: "She didn't call me" "I thought that she didn't care about me" "I felt lonely, abandoned, hurt." Then once I find out what actually happened, write it down as well. For example: "Her phone ran out of battery."

 

2. Make little note cards with positive things about me, things that I know to be true, then put them up in places that I'll see them often such as the bathroom mirror, car steering wheel, etc. For example: "I am very intelligent" "I am liked by my friends."

 

3. Work through an online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program. I am doing The Mood GYM:

 

4. Find ways to be busy all the time. Make backup plans for everything. Schedule dinner with a friend, but also ask someone else if they're free and whether they'll mind being my backup plan.

 

We'll see how these help me. I hope that they will help you.

[laxdad]

Thanks

I feel that way about the texts/calls. My GF likes here alone time, she works 3/12's str8. And somedays needs to just decompress and veg, no kids, no BF. Just the dog and TV. I struggle with that. I am trying to find things to do with myself when I am not with her or my kids. I am having a hard time getting out of that rut. I was spending a lot of that time with her, but it was a little overwhelming to her as well as some other things going on. So she wants me to work on me and get back into things. I think I became codependent on her and like you clingy and needy of being around her. We where hard core since December and now the space is killing me. She did admit to me that she enable that as well.

I will check out that website...

[Flyer79]

I hope the therapy is helping you. I know how hard it is not to be worrying, thinking that they don't care about you. I am lucky to see my BF once a week, I haven't seen him for a fortnight as I gave him some time to process some stuff with us. He called me today to say that he is helping a friend this weekend move, but he has mentioned he will be seeing me Sunday. So that's a start for him. Stepping back as hard as it is, does give you more of an idea where you stand with your partner. So you say you wouldn't be able to see her less than once a week, how often do you actually get to see her anyway?

[ManInLove]

I hope the therapy is helping you. I know how hard it is not to be worrying, thinking that they don't care about you. I am lucky to see my BF once a week, I haven't seen him for a fortnight as I gave him some time to process some stuff with us. He called me today to say that he is helping a friend this weekend move, but he has mentioned he will be seeing me Sunday. So that's a start for him. Stepping back as hard as it is, does give you more of an idea where you stand with your partner. So you say you wouldn't be able to see her less than once a week, how often do you actually get to see her anyway?

 

Therapy is definitely working, there is no question. When I first started in the winter I was a real mess. I just ended a marriage and was in a rebound relationship that didn't end well. I was constantly depressed. I'm so much better now that there is no comparison. One thing that helped me a lot in addition to the therapy was the workbook "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.

 

I'm not sure how I'd be if I couldn't see my girlfriend for two weeks. Maybe I'd be OK after a while. Who knows?

Up until this week we saw each other on average two or three times a week. There was one week when we didn't meet because she was sick, but we texted a lot and I sent her flowers. There was another week when she was sick. That time I came over to see her and keep her company almost every evening.

 

I haven't seen her in 5 days and I miss her so much. I haven't heard her voice in 4 days. We seem to have averaged a text exchange at least once a day though. Today she said that she missed me. It's possible that like you did with your boyfriend, she has avoided seeing me to let me process our stuff from Saturday.

[Flyer79]

Ah you see that would be very hard then I can understand, not having much contact with her. My partner we send the odd text through the day, not a lot as we are normally both working, just the odd how is your day, talking about our days etc. Then we normally talk on the phone almost every day at either before work or around bed time.

 

I can see you care for her a lot. I am glad to hear the therapy is helping you. If you think she is worth it then keep trying, but also do try the 'hard to get' card and don't always be available. There has been some great advice suggested on here for you and I have actually learnt from this thread too being able to relate in my own relationship circumstances.

[ManInLove]

Ah you see that would be very hard then I can understand, not having much contact with her. My partner we send the odd text through the day, not a lot as we are normally both working, just the odd how is your day, talking about our days etc. Then we normally talk on the phone almost every day at either before work or around bed time.

 

I can see you care for her a lot. I am glad to hear the therapy is helping you. If you think she is worth it then keep trying, but also do try the 'hard to get' card and don't always be available. There has been some great advice suggested on here for you and I have actually learnt from this thread too being able to relate in my own relationship circumstances.

 

Talking on the phone daily is what I want, but she seems OK with a lot less contact. Her friends say that at times they don't hear from her for weeks. I will eventually learn to deal with it because it's worth it.

 

I'm not sure how I can do the 'hard to get' thing, but I have definitely cut down on the attempts to call and I haven't been as insistent on seeing each other. This morning I asked whether she'd have dinner, but she can't. I didn't press it further by asking about tomorrow, I just asked that she call me.

 

The advice here has been invaluable. I feel a lot less anxious after reading the responses and also a bit more confident.

[Flyer79]

Glad to hear you are getting something from all of this. Well if her friends are saying that sometimes they don't hear from her, well then perhaps that is just how she i by the sounds of it.

 

Ok as for being more so 'hard to get'. Stop suggesting dates and or dinner etc. Let her arrange/suggest it and also don't initiate contact or ask her to call you either. That is clingyness. I am sure you will get used to her patterns, but on the other hand when you do suggest dinner etc then she should at least come up with an alternative date/day to see you. Just a thought,.

[ManInLove]

...Stop suggesting dates and or dinner etc. Let her arrange/suggest it and also don't initiate contact or ask her to call you either. That is clingyness. I am sure you will get used to her patterns, but on the other hand when you do suggest dinner etc then she should at least come up with an alternative date/day to see you. Just a thought,.

 

To be honest, that goes against what my therapist recommended. She suggested that I dial back on calls and such, but asking her out is good. I have definitely dialed back this week. As before I planned dates and such ahead, I haven't done any of that. I just asked her out to dinner once.

[Flyer79]

Hmm I don't think the therapist knows how to play hard to get then!lol! Perhaps someone else can shed some light on that one.

[ManInLove]

So, I asked her to call me after dinner. It's 11 PM and no call yet. In the past if she couldn't call, she always texted later to explain why. I have a strong urge to text her right now, but I won't. Instead I'm going to take my anti-anxiety meds and try to go to sleep. If she does call, the phone will wake me.

 

I decided that if there's no call or text, I will not contact her tomorrow. That'll be tough. Maybe when I get these strong urges to contact her, I'll post something here instead.

[Flyer79]

I would turn your phone on silent and get some rest. Calling after 11pm is pretty rude anyway unless it is an emergency! Good luck with not contacting her tomorrow if you haven't heard anything. You will be fine, just distract yourself and make your own plans

[dreamguy]

With all due respect to your therapist, I would still recommend you back off for a while. Apparently what the therapist suggested isn't working because she didn't call you after dinner so she still feels the need for space.

Stop asking her out, wait a day or two before calling her back, etc...

In one word: be unpredictable.

[ManInLove]

I would turn your phone on silent and get some rest. Calling after 11pm is pretty rude anyway unless it is an emergency! Good luck with not contacting her tomorrow if you haven't heard anything. You will be fine, just distract yourself and make your own plans

 

With all due respect to your therapist, I would still recommend you back off for a while. Apparently what the therapist suggested isn't working because she didn't call you after dinner so she still feels the need for space.

Stop asking her out, wait a day or two before calling her back, etc...

In one word: be unpredictable.

 

I will do my best to follow your advice. I have a busy day coming up at work and I'll figure out things to do outside of work. When I get the powerful urge to call or text her, I'll post things here instead. Wish me luck.

[bulletproof]

With all due respect to your therapist, I would still recommend you back off for a while. Apparently what the therapist suggested isn't working because she didn't call you after dinner so she still feels the need for space.

Stop asking her out, wait a day or two before calling her back, etc...

In one word: be unpredictable.

 

Maybe the therapist is trying to discourage any kind of game-playing?

 

I feel that he should conduct himself the way he would in any other dating relationship, as long as he's being reasonable in his expectations. If she doesn't respond, maybe they're just not a match.

[johndoe13]

Okay. So be very careful that you are not choosing a woman who is unavailable in order to live out the past. Part of the attraction might be that she is unavailable, because you never resolved that when you were being moved back and forth between your parents, grandparents, and aunt. This is all just guesswork on my end, but I had a boyfriend who was very similar to you, and he had a a similar upbringing. He was always very needy because he never got what he needed emotionally from his parents.

 

This may be the source of the problem. If you are like me you are recreating a feeling you had in childhood with a person that you felt did not accept you. You could simply walk away (if you were happier before you met her); or stay and endure that feeling and try to make her the person you wish she would be.

 

I don't know what to tell you but in my case it is exhausting.

 

The more you are insecure the more she distances herself (you become unttractive to her consicously or unconciously) the more secure you become (rational and unemotional) the more resentmentful you feel against her for not being there when you were hurt (hint: your history).

 

Hope this makes sense. Did you have a step father or an abusive father?

[ManInLove]

This may be the source of the problem. If you are like me you are recreating a feeling you had in childhood with a person that you felt did not accept you. You could simply walk away (if you were happier before you met her); or stay and endure that feeling and try to make her the person you wish she would be.

 

I don't think that it is possible to make someone be a different person. I don't want her to be anyone but herself. All I want is for her to communicate clearly. Not promise that she'll call when she can't and make efforts to call whenever she can. I want her to not make commitments to me if she's not sure that she can make them and keep those that she does make.

 

I don't know what to tell you but in my case it is exhausting.

 

The more you are insecure the more she distances herself (you become unttractive to her consicously or unconciously) the more secure you become (rational and unemotional) the more resentmentful you feel against her for not being there when you were hurt (hint: your history).

 

Hope this makes sense. Did you have a step father or an abusive father?

 

I had a physically abusive mother during my pre-teen years, then a verbally and emotionally abusive stepmother in my teens. My father always took the stepmother's side. In John Bradshaw's workbook that's termed abandonment.

[Doc Blaze]

Sounds like this relationship is one-sided... you shouldnt have to pull teeth to hang out. or talk...how far away do you live from her?