I need to be less needy, clingy, and insecure. How?

[laxdad]

thanks,... I am really trying here.. I is very hard when you go from 100 mph to 15 mph.....on communication and you sit and wonder if they are thinking about me when you are use to always hearing from them

[Flyer79]

I know it's hard, believe me I have gone through a good month of it with my partner. But this last week he has turned over a new leaf and we are communicating a whole lot better and making progress. I don't sit here like an anxious ball of nerves now. I make my own plans, and he has to work around ME! Taking control eases your mind so much. If it wasn't for this forum though and not taking the advice from here then I would still be a ball of nerves.

[laxdad]

yes,... I see many with the same issues and I am trying what people have

 

She wants me to work on me and my kids during this break (we never had one in a yr)

 

She gets off shift in 30 and I just sitting here waiting.

 

Some Friday night... I am use to being at her place on the weekends i do not have kids

i have not resulted to a bottle yet

[Flyer79]

Perhaps stop waiting by the phone and clock watching, call a mate/friend etc and go and hang and do something with them?

[laxdad]

i know...my mood in not there... god this really sucks..

 

I know she would be pissed to if she knew how I was acting

[Flyer79]

Doesn't matter if you're not in the mood. The main thing is it will distract you. Go on, do it!

[ManInLove]

laxdad, your situation is more complex than mine since you have children. I can't imagine how much harder this makes the relationship. I can't wish you enough luck.

 

That's really unfortunate you couldn't hold out and not contact her. You will be a ball of nerves now and what if you don't hear from her at all, all weekend. You will be a mess!

 

Take the advice, taking a step back does work. Trust us! If it can work for me, it should work for you! YOU CAN DO IT!

 

I kept myself busy from the moment I sent the message. I worked out for about an hour, and then I went to a Meetup to play board games with a bunch of people. I was distracted and in good spirits.

 

Then she texted me as I was in the middle of a game: "Can you talk?"

I became a ball of nerves as I thought that this meant a serious conversation, possibly breakup? I did compose myself and texted back that I was busy and will call her in a few minutes.

I finished the round of the game, then went outside to call her.

There was no serious relationship talk. She was in a great mood and wanted to tell me about her week and hear about mine. I decided to not mention her not calling and just go with it. We had a nice chat and then she said that she missed me much and wanted us to have time together this weekend. I asked about her schedule and didn't push for anything like an overnight, just said that I had time for a late lunch tomorrow. She agreed.

I was quite happy and the rest of game night went really great.

 

During the drive home I played back our interactions over the past two or three weeks and I think that she has really made efforts to communicate better. I will continue to work on not acting needy and reining in my anxiety. As long as I do so and she continues to work on communication all should be well.

[Flyer79]

Glad you kept yourself busy and glad to hear she did contact you. But still is a bit slack on her behalf and if I were you I would have bought up her not calling you when she said she would. Not good enough still, she has a lot of work to do if you ask me and there fore don't just jump when she says. Make her work for your attention, just saying. I know, I know it's hard for you. Just sayin..

[ManInLove]

Glad you kept yourself busy and glad to hear she did contact you. But still is a bit slack on her behalf and if I were you I would have bought up her not calling you when she said she would. Not good enough still, she has a lot of work to do if you ask me and there fore don't just jump when she says. Make her work for your attention, just saying. I know, I know it's hard for you. Just sayin..

 

Thanks. That's why I didn't ask her to see me this weekend as soon as she called. It took an effort. I just carried a nice chat and she eventually told me that she missed me and said that she wanted to see me. I was elated, but made the effort to sound casual and said that I had time for a late lunch only. It'll be easier when we're face to face, because I always feel relaxed around her and act naturally without having to make an effort.

[Flyer79]

Well at least that is something. Let her decide on where lunch should be then etc?

[ManInLove]

Well at least that is something. Let her decide on where lunch should be then etc?

 

I'm picking her up at her place. I was going to come in to spend a few minutes with the dog (I love her dog) and also give her a gift that I have for her. I made some really nice custom candies for her last week (one of my hobbies) but couldn't give them to her because of last Thursday's issues. After that we'll figure out where lunch will be.

 

Do you think I should not give her the candies? They'll go bad if they sit in the fridge much longer.

[Flyer79]

I wouldn't no! Look and remember at she makes you feel, anxious, nervous etc when you don't hear from her.

[ManInLove]

I wouldn't no! Look and remember at she makes you feel, anxious, nervous etc when you don't hear from her.

 

OK. I'll leave them in the fridge. They'll probably be OK for another week. If she ends up coming over, then I'll give them to her. I almost smashed them last weekend when I was so down.

[LoveSoDeep]

Just give them to someone else as a random act of kindness. You can always make more...keeping them around will only remind you of her and why you haven't given them to her which is because you don't get to see her as much as you'd like.

 

Maybe run this by your therapist ...but why are you continuing to reward her for treating you poorly and offering you only crumbs? If you reward this behavior it will continue for certain.

[Flyer79]

Totally agree with what LoveSoDeep said. Yeah give them to someone else, a work colleague maybe?

 

Another thing to consider, when it comes to paying for lunch. Split the bill or let her pay. Don't by any means pay for her lunch, stand up for yourself there man!

[ManInLove]

Totally agree with what LoveSoDeep said. Yeah give them to someone else, a work colleague maybe?

 

Another thing to consider, when it comes to paying for lunch. Split the bill or let her pay. Don't by any means pay for her lunch, stand up for yourself there man!

 

Hmm... A heart shaped candy box filled with little chocolate hearts... Not quite appropriate for a coworker.

 

Maybe I have a skewed sense of morals, but I feel that the gentleman always pays for the meal. Once the relationship gets to the cohabitation stage things become different, but until then I should be taking care of the bill. If she insists on paying for dessert like she has done before, I won't resist.

[LoveSoDeep]

Hmm... A heart shaped candy box filled with little chocolate hearts... Not quite appropriate for a coworker.

 

Maybe I have a skewed sense of morals, but I feel that the gentleman always pays for the meal. Once the relationship gets to the cohabitation stage things become different, but until then I should be taking care of the bill. If she insists on paying for dessert like she has done before, I won't resist.

 

Okay maybe not a a co-worker then...but I'm sure someone would be happy to have them you could donate them somewhere I'm sure.

 

That's step in the right direction. How about if she offers to pay for any portion (up to her half if you're not okay with her paying the whole bill once in a while)you will let her. She may not offer so it may be a mute point but I think making this decision is a good step.

[ManInLove]

OK, so about an hour and a half before I was to pick her up, she texted me to say that she got caught up helping someone with a project. I freaked out as I started envisioning the same situation as last week. I sent some texts that weren't' well thought out:

 

"Ok. And? Are you canceling our date or postponing? When and where do you want me to pick you up?"

"Please call me so we can make proper plans."

"I really don't want to repeat last week's experience. I'll be patient, but you must communicate clearly and give definitive answers."

 

Then I cooled down a bit and sent:

"Babe, I didn't mean to sound like I'm freaking out. I just had a flashback of last week. I'm going to do some stuff at work. Call me when you know what time you will be done."

 

I am at work now, getting stuff done, then I'll have lunch with a friend. I also found a link removed event to attend later. I will try to keep busy and will avoid texting or calling.

 

If I don't hear from her by the end of the day, I will try to begin healing and writing her off. I will need to move on and be myself, meet someone who will be better for me...

[ManInLove]

She texted me just now telling me that she'll be there for another four hours. I was going to ask her to call me afterwards, but my friend said that it'll sound too needy. I sent this instead:

 

"I have plans until about 9. Call me later."

 

She responded:

"Okay I will baby..."

 

I'm going to go about my day. I am determined to have a good time. I will try to put her out of my mind.

[laxdad]

i am right there with you. I have not heard from mine since last night.

 

I asked what she was doin after I knew she got home from work,

 

She said "enjoying the silence of her home"

I said "oK"

 

I have placed the ball back to her... but yes I a still waiting like that little puppy for something out of her.

 

This time and space thing just sucks!

[dreamguy]

I will try to begin healing and writing her off. I will need to move on and be myself, meet someone who will be better for me...

It's hard for a complete stranger to get into the details of any relationship. Nevertheless, I think the line I quoted above is the first reasonable thing you have said for a long time.

You deserve better than that. Instead of freaking out everytime she flakes out on you try to use that anxiety into ange. I do not mean violence but just inner anger that will help you move on to the next person in your life.

 

laxdad, stop sending her back the ball. Just stop playing the game and exit the court dude. Believe me you will never be happy in such a relationship.

[ManInLove]

It's hard for a complete stranger to get into the details of any relationship. Nevertheless, I think the line I quoted above is the first reasonable thing you have said for a long time.

You deserve better than that. Instead of freaking out everytime she flakes out on you try to use that anxiety into ange. I do not mean violence but just inner anger that will help you move on to the next person in your life.

 

I just finished lunch with a really good friend. She was able to offer me some insights from her own experiences. There's no doubt that my girlfriend is flaky, but also it is likely that she is scared of the way we both feel about each other and of the way I came on so strong so early in the relationship. I definitely went overboard when I sent and gave her flowers, got her a new laptop when hers was stolen, and recently got her a tablet so that she didn't have to lug the laptop around. I also wrote some poetry for her. About two weeks ago I made a youtube video of one of the poems - private video, her eyes only. All these gestures likely made her feel like I was pushing too hard for things that are really serious. She needs time to ease into the relationship. I had no intentions of pushing her. I think my acts were more selfish than anything - it makes me feel really good when I do something nice for someone that I care about.

 

I won't contact her. She said that she will call, so I will wait. I will make my plans and I will force myself to not alter them for her.

 

About a month ago, when her first "disappearing act" took place, I was ready to write her off and made an OK Cupid profile. I got messages from two women within a few hours of putting it up. This made me feel really good as I felt that I could be attractive to other women. The profile is deactivated but if I do decide to break it off with her, I'll put it back up.

[Flyer79]

Well it sounds like you have your answer with her. Good for you to continue making other plans and getting on with life. I do think you may have come on a little strong there at the beginning, buying her stuff. I would find that way too full on yeah. Geez I found it full on when my now partner sent me flowers at Christmas time and we hadn't even started dating! But all good..

 

Please what ever you do don't initiate any more contact with her, look where this ended up!

[LoveSoDeep]

The more I read I just don't see the two of you matching up. You needs lots of communication and love to give gifts. You need someone who loves to communicate and feels loved by and appreciates your giving nature.

 

She is flaky there's nothing you can do about that....not saying she's a bad person for being flaky it's just who she is. I think you need someone who is more responsible and cares more about how their actions affect others. The she will blow off plans with you at the drop of a hat for a project sounds very selfish to me. I get it, sometimes you have to change plans because a great opportunity comes up but she has flat out told you that her art will always come first and this flaking out for any project that comes her way is not going to end. Can you really be happy with that?

[ManInLove]

Please what ever you do don't initiate any more contact with her, look where this ended up!

 

The more I read I just don't see the two of you matching up. You needs lots of communication and love to give gifts. You need someone who loves to communicate and feels loved by and appreciates your giving nature.

 

I spent the last five hours on an "Amazing Race" scavenger hunt through the city with people from a link removed group. It was a blast! I didn't think of her at all. On the drive back I decided this:

 

1. I will not contact her unless she does so first.

2. If she does, I will not make plans. I'll tell her to call me when she wants to see me and if I'm available I'll come over.

3. I will not give her flowers, gifts, or do any other such things until such time that I feel that I'm truly appreciated by her.

4. I will set the end of this month as the deadline by which if I'm still unhappy, I will end the relationship.

 

This will likely be quite hard for me. I will ask my friends for encouragement and support and will also seek these things here. Should I continue posting in this thread or start a new one?

 

She is flaky there's nothing you can do about that....not saying she's a bad person for being flaky it's just who she is. I think you need someone who is more responsible and cares more about how their actions affect others. The she will blow off plans with you at the drop of a hat for a project sounds very selfish to me. I get it, sometimes you have to change plans because a great opportunity comes up but she has flat out told you that her art will always come first and this flaking out for any project that comes her way is not going to end. Can you really be happy with that?

 

I don't know. I think that I'll be fine once a specific pattern is established and once communication is normalized. If she commits to talking with me on the phone regularly and communicating promptly about all her plan changes then I'll be OK. If not then I'll get fed up eventually. Right now I am so very much in love with her, but I am also angry at her.