Silvergalaxy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 What makes you think you'll be able to get her to sit down for a talk? I don't say that in a mean way. It just seems like she's been avoiding you for weeks now. I'm glad you're detaching emotionally from her because what I was trying to say in my previous post is that I think this relationship is already over. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 If she doesn't want to have a talk, then that will be my answer. Until then I will not give up hope. I can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Like I said in my post last night, my friend didn't intend to ignore her girlfriend in the beginning of their relationship, it just worked out that way. Her girlfriend persevered and they've been together for 3 years now. I know that I honestly love this woman and I am willing to put up with much in hopes of being with her. Sent from my RM-917_nam_usa_100 using Tapatalk Link to comment
Silvergalaxy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 What's stopping you from asking for a talk now then? What is the point of keeping NC when you are supposedly in a relationship? I don't really know what else to advise. You seem willing to bend over backwards and put up with anything even though it doesn't seem to be getting you any closer to her. I don't know if your strategy will work but I wish you good luck! Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 She texted me and explained why she didn't call yesterday. It made sense. She asked what I was up to and I told her. I didn't ask her out. I'll continue my plan and not do so. I believe what she says and I trust her. Trust is the cornerstone of a relationship along with communication. I believe that the communication could be worked on. I truly appreciate the advice. The reason I don't want to confront her now is because I understand that she is under much pressure doing her work and also because of what's coming next weekend. Afterwards we'll have our talk. My main goal for seeking advice here was to learn how to not act needy and clingy. I believe that I have received a lot of help (just look at the length of this thread). I am beyond grateful. I think that I haven't acted in that way recently. The insecure man inside my mind still rears his head at times but I've managed to smack him down. When she texted me today I wanted to ask her to see her right away or to call her immediately, but I did not. With the advice from here and the help of my friends I will get through the rough times. I think that I really do have a chance to have the love that I want. If I am deluding myself, then I will learn a lesson. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I hope she comes to you when she is ready M.I.L. She isn't being fair to you at all, and if I were you I would be demanding some answers or just walking away. Put the hard word on her, if she totally shuts down then you have your answer. She may come to you though when she is ready. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 If your gf cant sit down and talk to u for even a hour durning the week and she only lives 30 mins away, i dunno why you are even in this relationship....stop walking on eggshells, stop being scared to confront her..you are in a relationship, you have a right to know or to ask to hang out...How can there be NC when you are dating someone..makes no sense...also when asking to hang out..instead of putting the ball inher court, say would you like to hang out tomorrow? if she says yes..then say would afternoon, night time be ok since you want to sleep in..yes? ok i will call you around 4 then maybe we can get some dinner aroung 6pm...she also always has excuses but no way to make it up..oh sorry we couldnt hang out today, maybe tomorrow afternoon..ive never heard that from her. Link to comment
breakherlegs Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Oh yes, man. Do NOT be one of those guys. D: My boyfriend calls me ALL the time, just to say hi it seems. It's terribly annoying, especially when he gets all upset and insecure, making me give him explanations as to why I didn't answer the phone, blah blah blah. And we DO live together, and have been for like, 4 years. It just gets WORSE. The only way I managed him to calm down (but not completely) and let me, like, do my own thing sometimes was by encouraging him to do his. Keep busy, man. Just keep in mind she has her own life, and if you wanna be in it too, respect it. You have your own life, too. Live it. When both of you have some spare time, you can spend it together. But if she doesn't answer the phone, or leaves you hanging from time to time, don't get upset about it, man. There's a million reasons why she might be taking her time getting back to you - and it probably has nothing to do with you, nothing that should upset or worry you. Clingy people push people away. It's nice to be excited about when you're FINALLY going to hear from that special someone and spend some quality time, isn't it? Much better than getting out of the shower to find that while you were out earlier, you received many missed calls followed by some insecurity-ridden text and you have no idea where in the hell it came from. My boyfriend CAN'T even call me these days because I actually have developed a sense of dread every time my phone is on, that I'm going to receive horrible messages like that with no real explanation to give other than 'man, I was busy. what the hell?' SO because of him, now NO ONE can call me most of the time. *shudders* Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hey M.I.L. Please stop comparing yourself to other couples. Everyone is different. Have you heard from her at all? Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 did you even read his threads..she blows him off all the time....there is no communication at alll he doesnt even contact her anymore because he is always on eggshells Link to comment
faraday Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 MIL, I was the person at the beginning of this thread saying "see the best in her"... believe in seeing the best in people always. I believe in taking people at their word. But you have to follow that with the idea that "action expresses priority" and "actions speak louder than words"....and...she's just a bunch of excuses. She doesn't DO any of the things she says she's going to do. And....I get it. I'm an artist too. When I met my bf, I was in school 8 hours a day, doing roughly 6-9 hours of homework a day...and I'm a single mom (with little support from her dad)...and I need to paint...and clean...and make lunches, dinners...see friends...oh, and I also have a disabled roommate that needs help showering and can't be left alone. So...I GET busy. Guess what? I still made time for my bf. I texted him daily, and still managed 2 dates a week. Granted, most of the dates were wine and making out on my couch...but I made time for him (and still do....now he gets 3 nights a week because I'm only in school one day a week...although now I have the roommate and a job working 25 hours a week when I'm not with her) because he's a priority in my life. We prioritize what is important to us. I'm so sorry...her words are meaningless unless she backs them up consistently with action...and her only consistency is being a flaky partner to you. I hope so much that you end things with her...she's not that into you. You can find someone so much better for you...that loves you...that wants to spend time with you...build a life...make you a priority...but you can't meet her while you're chasing this girl that is a complete waste of time. (((hugs)))) Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Any further developments M.I.L? Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 On Monday I texted that we needed to talk. We set up a time and place. Last night I picked her up, we had dinner, and we talked. I was quite nervous prior to picking her up and kept on going over the issues in my head. I got myself quite anxious and stressed, but using the techniques that my therapist suggested as well as doubling on my anti-anxiety meds I was calm by the time I picked her up. I did not have to bring up a single one of the issues that I had. She brought everything up herself. She explained what has been going on, told me details about her new job, and apologized for the way she has made me feel. We agreed that I will give her all the space that she needs while she gets settled into this new routine of working all these hours and also doing art. She has been staying at a friend's apartment because it is closer to work and the studio. She has been averaging 13 to 15 hour work days. She will make sure to keep in contact with daily texts and make sure that we see each other at least once a week. I will give her plenty of space and some slack. If she skips some days of contact, I will work on not freaking out. At the office we got a calendar that has a saying printed on it: "Loving something means giving it room to grow." Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Doesn't sound to me like you really got anywhere with her M.I.L. I can't believe you didn't step in and say how you are feeling in all of this, you are still making excuses for her. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you barely see or even talk with? I think you need to start backing away. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Doesn't sound to me like you really got anywhere with her M.I.L. I can't believe you didn't step in and say how you are feeling in all of this, you are still making excuses for her. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you barely see or even talk with? I think you need to start backing away. I didn't have to bring it up, she did. I did tell her how I felt. I could see clearly that she wanted to make all the needed efforts to make our relationship succeed. I will give her the space that she needs because she is so busy with the work and the art, but she will make sacrifices in order to be with me. We both have to give in a bit in order for this to work. When she canceled our date a little over a week ago and I felt hurt that she just texted me instead of calling. She brought this up and she said that she thought that she made me feel this way, and then she apologized. I think that it is possible that she has discussed our relationship with some of her friends and they had pointed these things out to her. I don't know, but I do know that she was genuine and honest with me. Today she texted me and we made plans for a weekend getaway together, to take place in a few weeks. I think that she has had issues with communicating and maybe she was scared of a relationship commitment before. I also think that I came on entirely too strong in the beginning and was way too cling and needy (hence this thread). We have both made efforts to work on this. Time will tell if we're successful, but currently I have a positive outlook and I will make sure to maintain it unless something happens that changes it for me. I don't think that I've been acting clingy or needy and I am truly grateful to all the advice here. Link to comment
Flyer79 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Well actions will speak louder than words, I hope she steps up and makes an effort. I don't feel that you need to make any effort now. Let her do it. See if she says what she says she is. Please.. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Dude you need to grow a backbone..you excuse everything she does..it alright to be mad... Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 It's over. I went drinking with my friend last night to dull the pain. It didn't really work. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 What happened since the "we talked and planned a get away"? Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 What happened since the "we talked and planned a get away"? She said that she will take a day off just to be with me. It was supposed to be yesterday. I had a doctors appointment and said that I'll come over afterwards. I texted that I was on my way and she said that she was working. I sent her a message saying that this seemed like a repeat of the past performances and that I felt that she didn't see me as a priority and didn't respect me. I said in the message that if she figures out how to treat her boyfriend with respect, she could call me then. Breaking up via text sucks, but what else could I do? Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 There is a complication that I omitted and it's kind of important. After I texted her that I was coming and she said that she was working, she did say that she'd be done shortly. I took an hour getting to her place to make sure that she had time to get back. She wasn't there. I sent the ...when you figure out how to treat your boyfriend with respect... message later in the evening. A while after that I got one from her explaining why she wasn't there. Something really bad happened (involving law enforcement) and she forgot her phone in panic and then got held up by the events for the rest of the day. I still feel that she should have let me know about going to work before she left home so that I knew that there was a chance she'd be held up. On the other hand, I feel a bit like a jerk for sending that breakup message while she was going through quite an ordeal... One that I wouldn't wish on any person. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 what happened? for some i dont buy it.... Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 what happened? for some i dont buy it.... I worry that I've been posting so many details on here that if anyone who knows either one of us in person would instantly figure out that this thread is about us. The studio where she works is in a really bad part of town. She ended up being a witness to something really gruesome and had to give testimony to law enforcement. Link to comment
ManInLove Posted July 26, 2014 Author Share Posted July 26, 2014 OK, so it's not over. I think that I need to be reasonable. She had a very understandable excuse for standing me up. We have texted since and I think that things will work out. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I don't believe a word out of her mouth. Link to comment
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