Unaffectionate girlfriend

[cooldude1234]

Hi, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a month. I am a very affectionate person and I love to hold her, massage her, kiss her, etc. Unfortunately, she is not this way. She has never once initiated or been affectionate to me. This is really starting to make feel uncared for and almost used. I've talked to her about this and her response is always "it's not that I don't want to it's that I just don't (or can't)." This isn't something I can just GET her to do, reluctantly, cause that would destroy the point. What should I do?

[chai714]

Back off a bit from her. Allow her room to come your way. This is from the push/pull theory. Give her affection, then back off some. If you continue doing ALL the affection giving, she will take you for granted and it won't be as special. You can back off from her physically, yet still deliver emotional fulfillment.

[Shizzle]

give her time..she moght not be used to it, all girls react different!

 

just back off abit..and see if she says anything about it

[Meow18]

Maybe she is just shy about it? I know that when me and my boyfriend started dating, I was really shy about kissing him or hugging him in public. Not because I didn't like him, or wasn't attracted to, just because I was shy. After a couple of months, I became totally comfortable around him and that has changed a lot.

 

If it isn't just shyness, then maybe its just the way she is. If so, then I guess you just need to get used to it. I mean, you can't get mad at her for it. You could maybe talk to her more about it. Tell her that you love being affectionate with her. If she just can't do it and its something you can't live with, then I think you should question whether she's someone you want to be with.

[shuntaro603]

maybe she is a little shy, give it a little time and see what happens.

 

btw is this her first relationship?

[cooldude1234]

yeah, it is her first.

[ticklebug]

some people don't grow up in touchy feely families so being affectionate doesn't come easy...if she wasn't hugged and kissed a lot as a child, she will have a hard time doing it with anyone...

 

if it is that important to you to have...then she may not be the right girl for you...

[Day_Walker]

What you need to do is create an environment where she is likely to initiate and reciprocate affection. However this can be tricky/difficult. The basic idea is to withdraw when she is receiving peak satisfaction from the act of affection. Now for the instances where its not possible to withdraw at that time then you need to cut that kind of affection to a minimum.

[Double J]

I agree with chai. You should hold back from being so affectionate for a while to see if she comes to you. If that doesn't work after a considerable amount of time, maybe she's just not inherently affectionate. I can relate because i've been with someone who was the same way, and it became annoying after a while. Give her some time, and do try this push/pull thing. It just might work.

[cooldude1234]

i talked to her about it again and apparently she feels really bad about it. This is definitely not what I wanted... I just don't know WHAT to do now

[ticklebug]

STOP talking to her about it. Of course she is feeling bad because it is, apparently, just not inher nature to be affectionate to the same level you are...

 

if she has a lot of other great qualities, I suggest you tell her, and then apologize for seeming to come on too strong about cuddling and the like...

[Iceman26]

I agree with Ticklebug, except I wouldn't apologize. Just drop the subject and see if she starts being affectionate towards you.

 

Her being affectionate isn't going to happen right away, so you either have to be patient with her or move on to a girl who knows how to express her affections.

[Meow18]

Well, I think that if you have a problem, you should be able to talk to her about it. Its normal for her to be upset. I mean, I wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend told me that something was bothering him. However, its reality and its bothering you, you need to talk to her about it and even if its not in her nature, she should still try to understand where you are coming from.

 

You can't expect to change her. Its not in her nature, you know this. You can't expect her to force herself to be affectionate just because you want her to. Wouldn't you rather her not do it, than have to force herself to do it? I mean, if she's forcing herself to do it, then its not exactly coming from the heart. She's just doing it to make you happy.

 

I think you really need to question if she's meant for you. YOu want something she isn't willing to give. Its not in her nature, so can you live this way? Its hard, but you just have to think about it.

[ticklebug]

Iceman,

 

the reason for the apology is because he has made her feel genuinely bad for something he shouldn't have made her feel bad about.

 

by saying look, I'm sorry I hurt you by brining it up and I just want you to know regardless if you can't be as affectionate as I am, or have a hard time tryng to make up for it, I do think that you have x, y, & z to offer that is really special to me.

 

soften the blow....

[Iceman26]

I don't feel that anyone expressing their feelings, especially feelings in a relationship, should apologize for expressing their feelings, as long as it is done with tact and sensitivity, which I am sure he did, as he sounds like he cares for this girl. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

I do agree with you that he should reassure her of her good qualities as you suggested and drop the subject of affection with her.

 

But if this girl doesnt want to show affection, then they should just be friends instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend, because it sounds like thats basically what the relationship is being regulated to anyways.

[Meow18]

I don't think that there's any need for an apology. I mean, unless he was like yelling at her and saying that she was a horrible girlfriend. If all he did was tell her that he likes being affectionate and thats important to him, then what did he do wrong? Of course she's not going to feel good about it, and I'm sure that alone would make him not want to bring it up. However, it is bothering him and its good he was open enough to tell her, even if it did upset her. He did nothing wrong.

 

Now she is aware of it. He most likely didn't bring it up to make her upset, if that was the case, then he should apologize. But if the reason for bringing it up was to make her aware of this problem, then thats fine.

[ticklebug]

if he brought it up once and upset her, fine don't apologize, I agree...but this is the second time and upset her even more...when he already knew it was a source of tension for her...

 

for that, he owes an apology.

[Iceman26]

Why did you ask again Cooldude?

[cooldude1234]

i asked again because the first time I asked, I didn't really tell her how I felt and she didn't make it very clear how she felt either. Apparently she had been feeling bad far before I ever mentioned anything, it's just been getting worse, the more I do for her. I told her not to feel bad for something she can't help, but she said she still does.

[Iceman26]

That is why I figured you asked again but wanted to make sure.

 

Like I said earlier, my advice is one of the three 1) Stop talking about the subject with her and stop making advances and see if she starts showing affection. 2) Keep showing all the affection. 3) Move on to someone who doesn't have a problem showing affection.

[FleX]

Woah only month? Your moving too fast buddy... she's still evaluating you. IT usaully takes 2 months for her to fully accept you. In the meantime be a gentelman and don't scare her off. Let her do all the touching. Trust me on this one.

[cooldude1234]

its not like i met her a month ago, i've known and been friends with this girl for a really long time

[interhawk]

Well, this thread looks ancient and dormant, but in case anyone like me stumbles accross it, I would recomend that you atleast consider checking out "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

This book caused a near instant change in how my fiancee and I expressed our love for each other.

It accounts for the reasons why a person who loves another very much, may not express that love in the way the other expects or even perceives.

 

I will say that I was in the exact same situation as cooldude, very loving fiancee who just would not show physical affection unless almost coerced. After reading Chapman's examples and explanations, the situation has completely changed.

With her now understanding the need for the physical affection (in my case) she gives it much more readily, to the point where she to has come to appreciate that physical connection that befoer she didn't really care for.

 

Whether you agree with the book or not, I think it's at least worth giving it a shot.