My friend has a problem

[lerenard]

Hi there.

 

I have a girlfriend (lets call her B) that contacted me this Friday, asking if we can meet up. I agreed, since she seemed worried and she said it was urgent.

Over the dinner she told me that she recently had fight/talk with her boyfriend of 2 years, and it keeps bothering her. She also said that she contacted me because she knew I had something similar in the past so maybe I can help her getting over it.

 

Her story though is really complicated. I will try to cut it short and put it that way

-they are 95% happy in their relationship, and I agree with that - she seems really happy with him, and the guy in question - I knew him before they got together, he is a wonderful guy.

-they had a little fight right in the beginning of their relationship, where she asked him straight away if he had any fetishes/fantasies, because he was subscribed to some kind of BDSM page. he admitted that he was interested in it and had a thing for it, but now he is in a relationship, and he is ready to experiment with her and only her, but if she likes other types of love-making - he is only happy to try it. Over the time he told her several times that the longer he is with her the less he likes his old self, and that he knew nothing better before her.

-about half year ago we were all together in a party, and our mutual friend asked me if B and her boyfriend were together since April 2012, and I said yes, she then went "hmmmm" and told me that somewhere in February 2012 her boyfriend was some-what drunk in a bar and was bragging about his stripper girlfriend. I was shocked, so I went to him immediately and asked him if that was something B knows. He was calm about it, laughed and said that it was just a joke, because this friend of ours was hitting on him and he wanted her to stop, so he told her he has a girlfriend (apparently, a stripper girlfriend..). B was there with us and also heard it all.

-fast forward to now, what was bothering my girlfriend is that they were casually talking about that old friend that was hitting on him back then and then told me about his stripper girlfriend, and for some reason he decided to come clean. He admitted that he lied about joking, and that he indeed had a stripper girlfriend right before dating B. They met somehow accidentally, she wasn't a hooker or something, they were "dating" because they were both into BDSM, so sometimes he was the boss, sometimes she was, he said it was going on for less then a month and that is when he broke up with her, because it started to feel sick and wrong. He apologized million times, he said that she (B) was too good for him and he felt like he was dirty and bad, he was afraid to tell her that part of his past because feared she will immediately dump him. So he admitted that back then he simply had no balls to tell her that, and he felt like this was his past and he should put it past him. He was also clean, no STD, so that is out of the way. The only guilt he feels is that he lied to her at first. He also feels bad that he ever HAD such a relationship, if you can call it that, but because it was before B - it wasn't cheating or something like that.

 

When I asked my girlfriend why she asked me about it, she told me because my boyfriend also used to be into strange porn before we got serious and I let it go, but I honestly had no idea what to tell her. First of all I would feel like he lied to me for a reason, but then why he came clean NOW?

 

She told me that she forgave him, mostly, and they are together, they are not breaking up over this, but she feels a bit sick now, knowing something like that about his past, and even though she accepts that it was indeed in the past, and before they started dating, she still feels like she can`t put that past her as well, and as fast as her boyfriend did.

 

It was really hard for me to advice her anything, because if I was in her shoes I would feel just as unsettled as she does.

What would you do guys?? Is it something you would forgive and try to forget, if the relationship itself is the best you ever had?

[CeeLambrini]

What part is the sick part ? The ex girlfriend being an exotic dancer or the fetish?

[lerenard]

Well, both, I guess. She told me that she thinks she deserved to know that, especially because they had a talk about fetishes and he decided that its none of her business.

She also told me that because she went through child abuse and was often beaten, she finds it horrifying that her boyfriend enjoyed hitting a woman, even if it was a fetish and all. It wasn't just porn or a fantasy.

He told her that she wasn't his girlfriend in a normal sense of this term. They never dated or something, they just saw each other for BDSM, that is another sickening part. He told her before that he never had sex with somebody outside of relationship and without feelings for that person. None of his friends knew about her, apart this one girl that he bragged to while drunk.

[shellyf62]

This is the reason why I never discuss my sexual past with anyone & never ask them.

I believe in the " what I don't know won't hurt me" school of thought.

 

If he wasn't with her at the time then it is none of her business.

 

She has opened up a can of worms now. People think they need/ want to know, but they really don't.

[lerenard]

Shelly, I agree with you on the topic of worms in the cans! If that was me and my boyfriend, I would like the "it was a joke" version, so I understand the confusion of my friend that he decided to tell her NOW, they had such a great relationship, but now she is somewhat pissed, but mostly just sad and unsettled.

[CeeLambrini]

For someone who is 95% happy in her relationship, she sure is trying to find that missing 5% badly....

 

I don't see what is sickening...the only thing I see as wrong is the lie and even then it has just cause because no, it isn't any of her business.

Two consenting adults played out a scenario that would not be considered 'normal' in terms of sexual intimacy for a month before your friend had anything to do with the guy.

Her child abuse is seriously awful, and nobody deserves that - it still isn't her boyfriends fault and with more research and open mindedness, your friend and yourself might understand that the concept of BDSM is not to torture and humiliate someone in a literal sense where they are not consenting. It is strictly fantasy and clearly not one in which her boyfriend deems important enough to continue. He cannot go back in time and change the past, nor should he feel ashamed of it. He has not hurt anybody, all he has done is love his girlfriend to which her 95% happiness will show you that.

[lerenard]

I don't have any problem with BDSM, personally. That is also why it was hard for me to give her advice - I don't share her feelings about it being that bad.

 

I also tried shifting her mind to the fact that it was before he even met her, and yes, he knew about her abuse and still kept it in secret, but he did it probably because he did know it was not a topic for her.

 

She goes to counselling, so I also told her to share that with her counselor, hopefully it will be good for her.

 

I also don't think she was searching for something bad. He decided to tell her that randomly, out of the blue, without thinking how much it can affect her, still knowing that she suffered abuse and so on and so forth.

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Cheetarah]

A lot of people who have experienced abuse don't have that kind of reaction to BDSM or other sexual kinks. Maybe it could be helpful for her to learn more about the lifestyle, perhaps that it something she could explore with her counselor in that it may take some of the personal out of it, help her to separate.

 

He does not need to be ashamed. He did nothing wrong and it's sad that he obviously still retains a bit of guilt about it. There's...nothing for her to forgive him for. He didn't owe her any explanations, but he evidently recognized this was a significant issue for her so I think he was trying to respect her feelings in the best way he knew how at the times. If she thinks it's sick or gross because of her past or for whatever reason, she either needs to attempt to iron that out or find someone who does not and has not experimented. It's unfair of her to project her feelings onto him and make him feel shameful. You can't be in a healthy relationship feeling sickened by aspects of your partner.

[lerenard]

Thank you, Cheetarah, I will show her this thread and your advice especially, since I think you hit the point!

[RedDress]

I think she has a fundamental misunderstanding of what BDSM is. It's nothing like abuse. It's actually kind of the opposite of abuse.

 

With abuse, the person doing the hitting is getting some kind of sick pleasure out of it, the victim is a victim.

 

With BDSM, the person being hit is the one that is getting the pleasure out of it. The one doing the hitting is just obliging. I mean... maybe the one doing the hitting is also getting pleasure out of it in the same way that you get pleasure from giving oral sex - it's a turn on to see someone else turned on and having fun... but it's coming from a place of 'love' or caring, of mutual pleasure, not a place of anger or hate.

 

She may not understand it completely, but it's not the ugly thing that she's painting it as. It's not as simple as 'he enjoys hitting women'.

 

To be honest... I'm not even sure why that girl at the party mentionned something that happened 2 years ago (stirring trouble?) or why you even went to ask him about it. It was before they started dating. You kind of stirred the pot a little bit with that confrontation too. Now there might also be an element of peer pressure mixed in there for your gf too... if that girl thought it was so horrible that it needed to be mentionned... and you thought it was so horrible that it required confrontation... I mean... maybe that means she should be mad about it, right? She knew about the fact that he liked BDSM for two years now and hasn't had a problem with it... why is it suddenly a problem now??

 

This sounds like a case of people messing with her head (that girl at the party got what she wanted?). Nothing has changed, except maybe the idea that he had another lover (who happened to be a stripper) before her. Oh well. I'm sure she knew he wasn't a virgin?

[lerenard]

RedDress - the problem for her is - there was no love or caring in his BDSM fling. They barely knew each other and somehow (she decided not to ask him for any more details) they made a deal that they will see each other when one of them calls or something, and "hit each other" - from his own words. I know what BDSM is when it comes from a place of love and caring - what she described me sounds nothing like it.

 

The woman brought it up probably because she liked him too, and was hitting on him before, but I introduced him to my friend B and they fell in love. So I guess she was just tipsy and decided to joke around.

 

As for enjoying hitting woman - from his words he enjoyed suffocating her as he said to B. And that is what made him feel ashamed and like he was doing something bad that he should stop.

 

Why I felt the need to go and ask him is not something I will discuss here, but I had a reason to do that that was between me and him. He called B into the conversation himself and explained it to both of us. Why he did that? I have no idea.

 

And honestly, the talking part isn't the real problem here, at least for my girlfriend from what she told me. Its the lying part and then suddenly coming clean part. If he though it wasn't her business - he should have kept the story about the joke, if he though she needed to know (because that's why he came clean, apparently) - he needed to talk to her when they had a honest talk about fetishes and fantasies without any pressure on them. Also, from her words something in his story seems off, what - she didn't explained to me.

[RedDress]

RedDress - the problem for her is - there was no love or caring in his BDSM fling. They barely knew each other and somehow (she decided not to ask him for any more details) they made a deal that they will see each other when one of them calls or something, and "hit each other" - from his own words. I know what BDSM is when it comes from a place of love and caring - what she described me sounds nothing like it. .

 

... so... you can't derive pleasure from giving a stranger oral sex and watching them enjoy it? Perhaps 'love' and 'caring' aren't the right words. Generosity? It's still done with an open heart, not an angry one.

 

As for enjoying hitting woman - from his words he enjoyed suffocating her as he said to B. And that is what made him feel ashamed and like he was doing something bad that he should stop.

 

The reason some people do this is to intensify the orgasm of the person being suffocated. I'll admit, this is not my cup of tea... and I can certainly see why this would be conflicting for him... but what's the concern, here? Is it that she is worried that he will want to hit and suffocate her? If he hasn't asked for this in 2 years, I think it's pretty safe to say that he respects her boundaries and is ok with it. Is she perhaps coming from a place of judgement?

 

He called B into the conversation himself and explained it to both of us. Why he did that? I have no idea.

 

That was the right thing for him to do. If you and that girl were discussing it, he had reason to believe that it would only be a matter of time before it got back to his gf and it would be a big blow-up. He was trying to cut off the drama at the pass.

 

And honestly, the talking part isn't the real problem here, at least for my girlfriend from what she told me. Its the lying part and then suddenly coming clean part.

 

Yes, the lying was wrong. It must have been shocking for her to suddenly be confronted with this. But... you can at least see why he lied about it. It's none of her business and she's clearly upset about it. I dunno... I can't justify the lying part.

 

The woman brought it up probably because she liked him too, and was hitting on him before, but I introduced him to my friend B and they fell in love. So I guess she was just tipsy and decided to joke around.

 

Yeah... less like a joke and more like a jealous jab, IMO.

[SooSad33]

If it's the best she's had.. leave it alone!

That is part of his 'past'. NOTHING to do with either of them, now. He's moved on from that and so should she!

It has nothing to do with her and his 'past' should stay there.

 

This is only affecting her because she is aware of it now. So- let bygones be bygones.

 

I'm sure all would be just great still, at this time, had she never learned of 'his past'. Some things just need to be left well enough, alone.

 

As for lying.. I'd have done the same thing. It's really none of her or anyone's business what happened before they met. To this regard.

It's something she has to let go- or yes, it will ruin them. Her choice.

Maybe suggest some counselling for her.. to work on it? ( if it's this bad..)

[lerenard]

Thank you guys! She does counselling so I also advised her to bring it up there if she finds it hard to let go.