How can I change my personality?

[tiredofvampires]

How do you get from what I said in my long post about the value of therapy, to what you wrote in yours?

 

You asked how someone can sort out contradictions to find a clear path....and I answered that by saying, there is a lot to work through about these contradictions in therapy (and I pointed to no one issue, I focused on the analytical process about your whole life)...and so your response is to talk about how you shouldn't have to lose weight or look any different. And how there are no other changes you think you need/want to make at this time.

 

So, what are you getting at? And how does it relate to anything I've said?

 

Getting back to this:

 

How important do you feel all these things (the many conflicts and contradictions) are in addressing the ruts you're in? How important do you think it is to keep your eye on the ROOT, rather than getting distracted by all these peripheral things (in order to avoid it)?

[Batya33]

"The person that beats up a girl physcially and emotionally on any level should be an ugly person and should have no ability to attract women, but for some reason they still do."

 

That's just silly. Women are individuals. Some women do not believe they are worthy of being treated with respect -or they have some sort of mental or psychological instability so they choose men who beat them. This says nothing in general about "women" or about whether it's "fair" that a person who is ugly on the inside should be able to attract another individual. Irrelevant.

[Dougie_D]

"The person that beats up a girl physcially and emotionally on any level should be an ugly person and should have no ability to attract women, but for some reason they still do."

 

That's just silly. Women are individuals. Some women do not believe they are worthy of being treated with respect -or they have some sort of mental or psychological instability so they choose men who beat them. This says nothing in general about "women" or about whether it's "fair" that a person who is ugly on the inside should be able to attract another individual. Irrelevant.

 

All I'm saying is I don't think someone like me who can't attract women should be compared to people that mistreat people in general. That goes for both guys and girls.

 

I get the feeling that I'm unwanted because I apparently did something bad. And that "bad" is apparently not being attracted enough.

[Dougie_D]

How do you get from what I said in my long post about the value of therapy, to what you wrote in yours?

 

You asked how someone can sort out contradictions to find a clear path....and I answered that by saying, there is a lot to work through about these contradictions in therapy (and I pointed to no one issue, I focused on the analytical process about your whole life)...and so your response is to talk about how you shouldn't have to lose weight or look any different. And how there are no other changes you think you need/want to make at this time.

 

So, what are you getting at? And how does it relate to anything I've said?

 

Getting back to this

 

I'm going to straight up ask a therapist this question : How can I attract women, get a date, get a kiss, have sex, etc.. WITHOUT having to change my physical look?

 

If a therapist HAS that answer and produces results within 14 days then I'll sign up. If not, I can't waste my time on someone else's OPINION. Then I'll go on to the next therapist. Apparently I get the feeling that therapists are really full of B.S or they like to suck me in as slow as they can to get my $$$. Same with doctors too. Doctors can diagnose the wrong thing, or there isn't a cure for certain things. I'm looking for a cure. Not something that slows down the problem.

 

I live off of FACTS and RESULTS. When I don't get that, I become depressed and get very unorganized and I become irritated.

[poetryandlyrics]

All I'm saying is I don't think someone like me who can't attract women should be compared to people that mistreat people in general. That goes for both guys and girls.

 

I get the feeling that I'm unwanted because I apparently did something bad. And that "bad" is apparently not being attracted enough.

 

I do see the connection where you don't. Those people who mistreat is because they feel entitled. I note you feeling like you got the short stick in life and placing way too much value on women, believing it'd turn the tables around. In that way, I'm sure you'd think you're entitled to happiness (and the implication is of women as they bring happiness) because why not? We're human. We all want to be happy. The thing is, looking for anything or anyone to bring you happiness is not the way to go. You're redirecting your energy to elsewhere but where it counts: you. The internal you. The mindset of you.

 

Again, you're going to redirect it to how you look or how you act or whatever it is and you're going to keep missing the mark. That's not deep enough. These are only the external parts. You need to go further to your mindset. How you view the world. How you view yourself. How you view women.

 

Once you do, and once you accept that, that's when the real work starts. And yes, it'd be hard, but nothing that was ever worth it was achieved by little means.

[poetryandlyrics]

I'm going to straight up ask a therapist this question : How can I attract women, get a date, get a kiss, have sex, etc.. WITHOUT having to change my physical look?

 

If a therapist HAS that answer and produces results within 14 days then I'll sign up. If not, I can't waste my time on someone else's OPINION. Then I'll go on to the next therapist. Apparently I get the feeling that therapists are really full of B.S or they like to suck me in as slow as they can to get my $$$. Same with doctors too. Doctors can diagnose the wrong thing, or there isn't a cure for certain things. I'm looking for a cure. Not something that slows down the problem.

 

I live off of FACTS and RESULTS. When I don't get that, I become depressed and get very unorganized and I become irritated.

 

Well, that's probably why. You want things done fast and quick, but nothing that is ever worth it can be achieved fast and quick enough. It's a process. It's going to take a year or so.

[Dougie_D]

A year to get what? To get laid? I just need a GUARANTEE. Every transaction needs to have a guarantee. I purchase a beverage. I get a guarantee that a liquid is going to go down my throat. I purchase therapy session. What's my guarantee? A meet and greet, face to face? That's laughable to me.

[tiredofvampires]

If a therapist HAS that answer and produces results within 14 days then I'll sign up.

 

Why would you "sign up" if the therapy was effective, and therefore, had accomplished the goal in 14 days? That makes no sense, but I don't think it was intended to.

 

You say you want answers and cures.

 

No you don't. You want to keep asking the same questions over and over. And at the very same time, you want to keep providing your own answers. You don't need anyone, and can't be helped by anyone, because you're a closed circuit.

 

You've already "wasted" you time on "someone else's OPINION" -- ours. You've been here for 7 years, and have 12 pages of threads, many of them dozens and dozens of posts long. And do you recall in any of them a poster or two saying it's not your looks or your weight that's making or breaking your deal? That men who are less attractive than you do find partners?

 

You've gotten all the answers you've wanted to hear, here -- you've already gotten a pretty huge consensus saying your looks are not determinative.

 

You've also gotten a lot of answers you've not wanted to hear -- and you've selectively dismissed them to trump them with your own ideas.

 

So you're not looking for anything from anyone. You're in a bubble called Dougie, and whether that's pure stubborness, or affected somewhat by a psychological condition such as autism, only god knows, because you certainly are not interested in learning anything about yourself. The answers you've wanted to hear, you've gotten, but it's made no difference to your question-asking, your behaviors, your thought patterns, your attitudes, your conflicts, your happiness or your outcomes sought with women. You've gotten the answers you've wanted to hear ("it's not your looks"), thousands of times, but you've neither accepted them nor been interested in the other answers, the alternatives. Everything else falls under the column of stuff you don't care to hear about, meeting with equal rejection and lack of thoughtful consideration.

 

And regardless of what others think, you really have your own answers, so there's no point in asking. Here are your questions with your answers to them (this being by no means an exhaustive list):

 

Q: Should I have to change my looks to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change my personality to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change my smile to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change my laugh to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change what I'm wearing to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change my income/job to get a woman?

A: No.

 

Q: Should I have to change my xyz...abc...mnop...to get a woman?

A. No.

 

Q: SHOULD I HAVE TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT ME, MY LIFE, AND THE WAY I BEHAVE AROUND PEOPLE TO GET A WOMAN TO WANT ME, MY LIFE AND THE WAY I BEHAVE, IN HER LIFE?

A: NO, I want to be "me" as I stand here today, and that means that I should be able to be as good as any other loser, wife-beater, clueless idiot, dud of a conversationalist, or other person with nothing to bring to the table and still snag a girl -- because other men get to be crappy and still get women. I need to figure out how to do that: get women even if I'm bringing nothing to the table, too. Otherwise, my dad wins. And I can't let him do that. So to spite my dad, I'm not going to bring anything to the table for women, and see if they bite. To spite my dad, I'm not going to do anything differently or even explore my issues because the only way to love or respect myself is to refuse to improve anything. TAKE ME AS IS.

 

There. I've answered my own questions.

 

But I have just one more question for the good folks of ENA who bring the FACTS:

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO TO CURE THIS? WHAT DO I NEED TO CHANGE? HOW DO I CHANGE IT ALL?

 

Wait, that was 3 questions...there could be a few more...wait, maybe another 12 pages of them....

 

 

 

How about you spend an equal amount of time in therapy as you've spent on ENA, getting our OPINIONS, and make a judgment at that time? That seems a fair proposition. You might be surprised at how much faster you get somewhere doing that.

 

Unless you think you can get the answers from ENA in 14 days that you haven't in 7 years. Then I'd say, go for it. So you have until June 9 to get your "FACTS and RESULTS" here. Clock's started, go.

 

I will give you one hint, Dougie -- women like a man who works hard towards a goal, and is smart enough to know when to man up to make things better. So you could start there. The way you're dealing with your problems about women isn't even attractive, but that ATTITUDE permeates everything you do.

[Dougie_D]

- "women like a man who works hard towards a goal, and is smart enough to know when to man up to make things better. "

 

1. I have goals that I consistently work on

- songs

- scriptwriting

- saving money for label

2. Make things better? Explain?

 

ENA = free and unlimited time

therapy = not free and an 1 hour session

 

Swap the time I was here with ENA and you'll see my bank account shrink to where I'll probably become homeless.

 

I only make 10 dollars an hour.

[Dougie_D]

So basically you are saying I bring nothing to the table? Pretty sure I bring A LOT to the table, they are just not figuring that out for some reason.

Oh, and I'm not autistic. I think people think that because people who have struggled with hearing seem to get mixed up with that diagnostic. People are way to quick to judge IMO.

[tiredofvampires]

2. Make things better? Explain?

 

See posts #45 and 49.

 

Swap the time I was here with ENA and you'll see my bank account shrink to where I'll probably become homeless.

 

I only make 10 dollars an hour.

 

Those are not the reasons you gave for not wanting therapy. If these were your reasons, I've given a response to that. See post #49. I've seen places that are even pro bono (free)/donation basis. A therapist I've seen was through a church that ran counseling services on grants. So I didn't pay one red cent, and neither did my insurance.

 

Also, with Obamacare, you may be able to sign up for a plan that includes psychological/psychiatric care. Healthcare coverage is no longer tied to employers.

 

If that was the only thing standing in your way.

[tiredofvampires]

So basically you are saying I bring nothing to the table? Pretty sure I bring A LOT to the table, they are just not figuring that out for some reason.

 

I'm curious what:

 

1. You believe you're bringing to the table

2. What you believe is the reason you have had no success with women

 

Sounds like you think the problem is with the women. Is that true?

[Capricorn3]

So basically you are saying I bring nothing to the table? Pretty sure I bring A LOT to the table,

Dougie, almost all of the people who have been following your posts for the past seven years will disagree with that statement. You have been asking the same questions for seven years, have had seven years worth of incredibly good, wholesome and constructive advice (all of which you have pretty much let wash over you) - and you wonder why you still find yourself in the same position as seven years ago? Just think about it - if you really bring A LOT to the table, don't you think you would have found someone by now? The FACT is, all these people HAVE figured it out correctly - that you do NOT bring a lot to the table - hence you still find yourself in the same position as seven years ago.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but there is really nothing left for you but to get professional counseling/therapy. Unfortunately, I highly doubt you'll bother, but then don't keep wondering why you find yourself in the same position for the rest of your life, because that's EXACTLY what will happen.

[Dougie_D]

I'm curious what:

 

1. You believe you're bringing to the table

2. What you believe is the reason you have had no success with women

 

Sounds like you think the problem is with the women. Is that true?

 

1. I bring emotional and physical desires if needed. For example - If my girlfriend is having a bad day I'll try to cheer her up . If my girlfriend wants to have sex with me, I'll fulfill my duties.

 

2. I'm not attractive enough for them. There is something about myself that is putting them off and I don't have a clue what it is because I'd like to think that I'm no different than anyone else.

 

That's the #1 question I want to answer. "What part of me is so unattractive?"

[Dougie_D]

What are the things I'm suppose to bring to the table? I bring emotional and physical desires if needed. Not sure what else I'm suppose to bring? I'd think that's all you need to keep a relationship healthy??

[Capricorn3]

What are the things I'm suppose to bring to the table? I bring emotional and physical desires if needed. Not sure what else I'm suppose to bring? I'd think that's all you need to keep a relationship healthy??

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, or genuinely clueless ... Are you being serious??

[tiredofvampires]

Well, you said you bring a lot to the table, and the problem is that women are not noticing it for some reason. So it sounds like it's their problem.

 

Now you're saying the problem is you -- you're not attractive enough for some reason.

 

The fact that this is such a mystery to you is part of what's unattractive. Because it means that you have no clue what women really want (so unimpressed by your list), how you're coming accross to people, how your behavior is affecting people, and you're not self-aware. That you don't have a clue about this means you don't have a clue about a lot of other things. All of that comes out in how you express yourself socially. So it covers a wide ground. And women notice all that, and it's unattractive. Cluelessness is seriously unattractive.

 

So we can all agree that it's not your looks, and you'll never write threads about your looks again, right? It comes down to this: something about your behaviors and attitudes and what you're projecting is turning women off. Agreed?

 

Not that it matters though, because you've already said that you should not have to change anything for women. So what would it matter what in your behaviors and attitudes is unattractive? You wouldn't change it even if it were staring you in the face. You'd say, "Ima be me."

[Capricorn3]

The fact that this is such a mystery to you is part of what's unattractive. Because it means that you have no clue what women really want, how you're coming accross to people, how your behavior is affecting people, and you're not self-aware. All of that comes out in how you express yourself socially. So it covers a wide ground. And women notice all that, and it's unattractive.

It comes down to this: something about your behaviors and attitudes and what you're projecting is turning women off.

 

Not that it matters though, because you've already said that you should not have to change anything for women. So what would it matter what in your behaviors and attitudes is unattractive? You wouldn't change it even if it were staring you in the face. You'd say, "Ima be me."

Dougie, you really need to absorb this. Print it out, enlarge it and stick it on your walls where you read it every day. Things will only change for you when you finally "get it". Please read it several times.

[Dougie_D]

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, or genuinely clueless ... Are you being serious??

 

I'm being serious. I've never been in a relationship so I'm guessing I'm missing important details. I always assumed it's based on emotional and physical support from each other.

[Dougie_D]

Let's agree that I have some sort of behavioral, attitude problem that is turning them off. No one is telling me the exact problem and no one is telling me or showing me how to fix it. Everyone says "just be aware". What does that even mean?

 

That's what I mean when I say I need someone to be out their in the "field" with me. If I'm unaware, clueless about what I'm doing, than how can anyone help me?,,,because I may not give them the "whole story" that they needed to fix it.

 

I've been labeled as socially awkwardness but I think it's because of the way I was raised, (used to wear hearing aids, and going to speech therapy). I can't undo what I've learned my whole life to be better at...if that makes any sense.

[Seraphim]

I can tell you one thing you are doing wrong. You are avoiding responsibility . Everything is always someone else's fault. Even in your very last statement you made it women's fault for not telling you where you lack. It is your parent's fault, society's fault, women's fault, everyone's fault but yours. You are making THEM responsible for fixing you. Avoidance of responsibility for yourself will make people run away screaming. Stop blaming and start fixing.

[Dougie_D]

Bottom line, I'm willing to change if it is indeed the source of the problem. And many people describe "social awkwardness" in different ways. That's too general. Is a certain movement? Is it the tone of my voice? (can't really help that I might be a loud speaker)

 

Once I know the real reason than I will look at the possibility of deciding to work to better it. Can't be anything I was born with because that is not fixable (like some sort of brain stem not functioning)It has to be something that I learned so I can learn to do it differently.

[Dougie_D]

I can tell you one thing you are doing wrong. You are avoiding responsibility . Everything is always someone else's fault. Even in your very last statement you made it women's fault for not telling you where you lack. It is your parent's fault, society's fault, women's fault, everyone's fault but yours. You are making THEM responsible for fixing you. Avoidance of responsibility for yourself will make people run away screaming. Stop blaming and start fixing.

 

 

 

I'm just trying to find the source. Never really meant to "blame" people. That's just me rambling at times.

[Seraphim]

Finding the source is only part the equation. The more important part is fixing.

[Silverbirch]

Well I ' m not sure what you are doing wrong, but you are heaps better looking than my ex G, and he seemed to attract women. I think that he was very good at reading people - he was a psychologist, and many women have described him as "charming". He was generally a reserved person, and it did turn out that in some ways he was goofy - he had 2 left feet, not sporty in any way. He was also very overweight. On the plus side, he was very intelligent and knew it. I guess he knew how to make his assets work for him. You don't say much about your good points.