How can I change my personality?

[abitbroken]

Also, I date a guy for a couple months who referred to women as "females"...talked about how he met "females", etc. He really didn't respect them a whole lot or looked at them as commodities to win over rather than as individuals. One of the reasons it didn't last.

[BigKK]

I give up. I can't win at ENA. I don't like doing things or changing things unless I know how the results are going to be. I'm not a "faith" type of guy. Or do I trust people all the time.

 

I agree that my actions might be off-putting with women, but I don't understand why that's such a big deal. It's a problem with society more I think.

 

Someone wins at ENA? tireofvampires gave you one of the most informative, detailed, and helpful posts I've seen on this site. You brush it off by blaming "society."

 

My cousin has Asperger's and I've been watching your threads since I've been here. I will wholeheartedly agree with tireofvampires.

 

 

You should go to find out, what is stopping you, are you scared or is simply laziness or do you just prefer to create threads on here and get a bunch of responses and call it a day?

 

Yeah, let's just blame society...that's easy. Rather than gain some vital insight about yourself that can help you for the rest of your life. I hope for YOU that you eventually make the choice to get checked out, you have choice and I hope you use it wisely.

 

 

Take care Dougie, wish you all the best.

[tiredofvampires]

In post #46, I thought I saw a glimmer of a possibility that you were able to introspect and take responsibility for flaws in your thinking. Too bad it was a false alarm.

 

You're clearly on a MISSION to find a reason to be able to say, "Aha, see? None of this is something that I can do anything about, so it's out of my hands." You really, really want to get off the hook of doing anything for yourself, and whether this is because you're lazy/apathetic, or depressed and feel hopeless deep down, or are too used to playing out the role of the victim who is helpless, or because your parents taught you that you can't do anything for yourself, so you're still in the mindset that the world shapes you and you're helpless like a child...the bottom line is that you want to resign.

 

You don't have time for this -- life is going to end, Dougie, and this is how you're going to have spent it:

 

On resignation, and that will dominate every outcome in every aspect of your life.

 

Not sure that I can even change my negative attitude. This article states that people can actually be born pessimistic. That makes total sense to me. I seriously only remember bad things and have had a poor attitude as long as I could remember.

 

link removed

 

Of course you have a poor attitude. But there are all kinds of reasons for a poor attitude and remembering bad stuff. It doesn't have to be a gene mutation. And I don't believe you're a pessimist.

 

In fact, I believe you're a ridiculously unrealistic OPTIMIST (who thrives on denial).

 

Here's why: a pessimist is someone who structures their life around worst case sceanrios and plans accordingly. It's actually known that pessimism is what makes a good business person. Take someone on Wall Street who is investing. If his head is in the clouds, thinking, "Oh, what could go wrong, surely it'll all turn out fine!" when he invests in something, he'll lose everything and go bankrupt. (That's in fact how so many people fell into a deep hole with the recession -- they built their houses literally on high hopes.) So he has to think about what the worst case scenario might be, when he places his bets. He has to think, what can go wrong here, what might -- and he plans accordingly.

 

So how would a pessimist view your situation? He would say, "I'm 33 and only getting older. In less than a decade I'll be 40. The 40-year-old-virgin. And then 50. And soon, I'll be the 65-year-old virgin, living on a tiny Social Security fixed income [if SS still exists then; if not, you might only have an inheritance or be homeless]. All my life, I've wasted. I was such a smart aleck stupid, stupid idiot. And it's too late to go back and fix all the things I should have tried to fix. Now I'm just an old man and life's pretty much over and in the crapper, but maybe it'll end soon because I have heart disease from all the years of eating badly and not taking exercise seriously. Damn, they were all right. I hope I have a heart attack tomorrow to get me out of the misery of the loneliness and anger I feel at myself for doing nothing proactive 30 years ago when people told me what I should have done. I could have met someone, increased my job skills, even gotten married if I'd only taken advice I was given, and now it's too late!!"

 

So that's what a pessimist would be thinking, because that's your worst-case scenario, and you would be RUNNING, not walking, to all the resources you've been told to seek out on this thread, to avert those worst case consequences.

 

Instead, on this thread, you've claimed that the way you're operating is to just keep hoping that things will eventually work in your favor, that at some point, it's got to turn around. You keep thinking like an ostrich with its head in the sand that if you keep your head buried in there, you'll come to that day when all the good things you want will fall out of heaven into your lap and TAH DAH! You'll have been right all along -- it's just a matter of you standing still long enough for the world to turn in your favor.

 

You're no pessimist.

 

You're someone who doesn't want to work at anything, for whatever those reasons (in the short list above), and needs a reason show everyone that it's not under your control anyways.

 

Being a human being means that what you put into your life is what you'll get out of it (or at very least, you're GUARANTEED not get anything out of it if you put nothing in -- speaking of guarantees). And you want to find a way to justify being an exception to that.

[tiredofvampires]

I'll be honest, I go 110% when I first start but gradually decrease as I get comfortable. Like at my job right now. I'm to the point where I don't care anymore if they fire me for being less productive than how I used to be.

 

Yup, and guess what. This is definitely one of many things you're not bringing to the table in a relationship -- this would destroy any relationship. So you're not relationship material, even if a girl became interested in you, because of this trait. Any relationship you tried to have would go down the tubes. And fast. (And as a woman, believe me, this is actually something you can sense about a guy -- that he's flakey.) Relationships need.continual. commitment.and.work.

 

Once I get comfortable at doing things I get extremely bored and lose interest. I think that's why I have so many projects I start but never finish them.

 

When I was basically forced to get a job I applied a lot more. Now, I only apply or look around twice a month. And I have to be in that mindset.

 

I'm pretty sure this is my main problem in life. I like things that are new and will keep my interest.

 

So what are you going to do about that?

 

Is that society's fault too?

 

(Btw, hate to point this out, but ADD/ADHD commonly go hand-in-hand-with Asperger's, and what you're describing here is symptomatic of these.)

[dearwriter]

You don`t have to achieve anything at all in the first place because for me someone will always accept who you are from the inside not what you have from the outside. But if it makes you feel that you need to change something in you it would be best to start with the way you handle yourself,change how you deal with other people so that you can gain respect and it will automatically show that you are really that respectable and you are no longer gullible. It doesn`t need you to be attractive to attract ladies or so the important thing is you are always willing to change from the inside to be attractive. I hope you get my point

[xb0x]

And seriously dude... What the hell! Why on earth are you telling people you've just met you are a virgin. Worse yet you say it to girls, I don't mean to be rude but they are probably thinking what the hell is wrong with this guy after you say your a virgin.

[abitbroken]

me: Have you been here before?

girl: No, first time actually.

me: Well if you like Root beer, you should ask for that drink. It totally tastes like root beer!

girl: really?

(and then if I'm actually drinking it, she might ask to taste it...which happens oddly)

girl: wow! you are right!

 

and then hopefully we talk further. but usually this is the time when her friend shows up or some other dude she was with. I just have bad luck. Apparently I can't tell if a girl is a lesbian or not either.

 

That's why I actually go to bars. I have more luck having small talk with girls at a bar than anywhere else.

 

Dougie, telling someone something tastes like what it is is a very awkward thing to say to someone. It may seem like humor to you, but to me, it is like saying my car looks like a car. SOME person might find it goofy, but most people won't know how to take you unless they really know you. I think you should follow the dialogue that was suggested prior.

 

(Doug; hey how is going?

girl: not to much just trying to get a coffee before work

doug: i def can relate. what do you do for a living?

girl: girl blaha blaha blah?( she gets her coffe and is about to leave)

doug. Will it was nice meeting you. your name is?

girls: nice meeting you too..My name is sarah

doug: Hope to see you around. Have a great day . Hope work goes by fast for you

girl: laughs thanks...)

 

 

It gives you the chance to say a few words and to break off the conversation with no expectation at all. It comes off as TOTALLY not desperate - just as a nice person. The next time the woman sees you, she might approach YOU and say hello, or you might be able to again - but bottom line she doesn't think you are a creeper. And it is WORTH it to talk whether the girl is a lesbian, has a friend she is waiting for or is available. It doesn't matter. Other people around have ears and eyes and if you seem like a decent guy, others will notice.

 

I have Asperger's syndrome myself and it helped to watch others and memorize a few things to say. Asking someone where they work or what kind of coffee they had and do they recommend it are simple things to say that don't come accross as creepy. It is sooo much easier to have a basic conversation now for me. Also, I encourage you to stay out of bars because "good" conversations have limits there and some women are drunk. They may be looking for Mr. Suave or Mr. Sloshed instead.

 

Is there a poetry reading night? An open mic night somwhere for comedy, etc, where people are likely to talk and critique eachother afterwards - open conversation? That is a better place to chat people up than a bar.

[Dougie_D]

I was just asking what their preference of drink was. The drink wasn't called root beer but tastes exactly like root beer. It's like saying do you like coffee and I suggest the drink with coffee in it.

 

Open mic nights would be fun, but I'm not sure if it's any difference than going up to a band/artist and talking to them and telling them I liked their stuff.

[bulletproof]

and then hopefully we talk further. but usually this is the time when her friend shows up or some other dude she was with. I just have bad luck. Apparently I can't tell if a girl is a lesbian or not either.

 

That's why I actually go to bars. I have more luck having small talk with girls at a bar than anywhere else.

 

Did all your friends meet their gfs/wives in bars?

 

My guess is no. But people have told you a million times to do something else productive to meet women, which you refuse to do.

 

And you don't have "bad luck." It's the choices you make.

[Rosti87]

...

 

Open mic nights would be fun, but I'm not sure if it's any difference than going up to a band/artist and talking to them and telling them I liked their stuff.

 

Good grief! More evidence that you don't want to change your circumstances. I've done more than my fair share of bars and open mic places are far easier places to make conversation (that has some kind of depth to it) than a bloody bar.

[abitbroken]

Open mic nights would be fun, but I'm not sure if it's any difference than going up to a band/artist and talking to them and telling them I liked their stuff.

 

The paid band expects groupies.

 

Open Mic night is just regular people who are not pros giving things a go and maybe bonding over the fact that they are all at the same stage of stage fright or testing things out. They are there to be encouraged by others and to test out if they have some talent. All of the poetry readings, stand up open mics and music open mics where "everyone gets on up" is more fun and you DO meet people - it might be someone who open mic hops and you get to know because you see multiple times.

 

I agree - you DO NOT want to do anything different and just want that magic answer.

 

Because of the social awkwardness, I would focus on just MAKING FRIENDS right now.

[Dougie_D]

Did all your friends meet their gfs/wives in bars?

 

My guess is no. But people have told you a million times to do something else productive to meet women, which you refuse to do.

 

And you don't have "bad luck." It's the choices you make.

 

Yes and no. My older friends hooked up at school or at some type of party. Lots of time, they were introduced to a friend or so. But this was when they were in their mid-twenties. My other single friends are able to hook up through online dating or going out to clubs. They don't even go to bars.

 

Not sure where I can meet women that or more willing to have a decent conversation long enough to get their number. I go to my board game meetups, but it's once a month. I also went to a couple of the other "meetup groups". Movie, poker night, etc.. Each time, there was a 7:1 ratio. And it's the same with the board game group. It's not every week.

[Dougie_D]

Too be honest, I've gone to those things when I have a friend performing but I remember I had to pay. I got there to support them and nothing else really. You also got to remember, I live in LA where they take these things way more seriously than other places. If it was something more casual, like a coffee shop, where I can sit down and get a coffee and enjoy some small entertainment, then I'm down...but I haven't really seen anything like that.

[Doc Blaze]

You are the King of excuses

[tiredofvampires]

What is the point of asking how and where to meet women when we have firmly established on this thread that once you meet them, you do and say things to turn them off?

 

Or has the last 13 pages just *poofed*?

[poetryandlyrics]

Too be honest, I've gone to those things when I have a friend performing but I remember I had to pay. I got there to support them and nothing else really. You also got to remember, I live in LA where they take these things way more seriously than other places. If it was something more casual, like a coffee shop, where I can sit down and get a coffee and enjoy some small entertainment, then I'm down...but I haven't really seen anything like that.

 

Dude. I'm also in LA and open mic nights are more casual for that. I agree, just excuses.

[Dougie_D]

Dude. I'm also in LA and open mic nights are more casual for that. I agree, just excuses.

 

I'm not sure how I can strike a conversation with someone without it being it critical if we are talking about the performance. My business sense comes in, I try to avoid that because I think that's a turn off.

[Rosti87]

I'm not sure how I can strike a conversation with someone without it being it critical if we are talking about the performance. My business sense comes in, I try to avoid that because I think that's a turn off.

 

This strikes me as self-absorption. Ask about the person. What inspired them to perform? Ask them I how much they enjoy or not enjoy their performance. Get it off of focusing on you and more on that person. If you ask about them the conversation will move with ease.