How can I change my personality?

[Dougie_D]

I've come to a real conclusion that my lack of being with women is based a lot more of my personality. Yes, I can loose to shed more weight, but for a 33 year old man to never be in a relationship, I'm doing something really wrong.

 

I know I'm a "goober". I know that I'm "silly". I know I can be "oblivious", but I think all those are part of the things who I am....but those traits seem to be on the "friend" side and not on the "boyfriend material". I'm usually the one that gets "picked on" because I'm so gullible. One time at work, I didn't know that we had cupboards at our desk for more than 2 months. The cupboard didn't have a handle and I had never seen cupboards without handles before. I work with younger people, so I'm not really "up to date" with them.

 

But anyways, outside of work, how can I achieve "boyfriend material?"

[Man with Dog]

I've lost touch with them now but had 2 friends who lost their virginity in their 30s. I'm a bit clumsy and autistic but still managed to get married twice. You can also be in the wrong place, with the wrong crowd at the wrong stage of your life.

 

I'd try a dating site.

 

Good luck.

[t1lersm0m1]

Women want to be pursued. Get on a dating site and start asking women out. Talk to them first on the phone to make sure you can communicate with them easily, then plan nice dates and take them out. Do gentlemanly things, like opening doors, pulling out chairs.

 

Plan and pay for the dates. Treat her like a lady. Pursue her.

 

If you have poor self-esteem, work on it. I had HORRIBLE self-esteem. I'm still a work in progress. But I made a huge change in 2012, so it can be done. Trust me when I say if you have poor self esteem you will continue to struggle with dating/finding women to date.

[Dougie_D]

Online dating doesn't really work for me. The paid sites are where women are looking to settle down. I'm just looking for dates, so I'm on the free ones. I also live in Los Angeles, where the girls are a tad more superficial.

 

My real question is how I can become more "boyfriend material"? Is my "goofy" side really sabotaging my chances? Is it because girls might be embarrassed to be around me? I'm not autistic, but some people think I am.

[bulletproof]

The paid sites are where women are looking to settle down. I'm just looking for dates...

 

My real question is how I can become more "boyfriend material"?

 

You're contradicting yourself. Are you looking for dates or to be in a relationship with someone as her boyfriend? If it's the latter, then you would be dating women who are looking to "settle down" eventually, because that's typically why we have boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

So in that case, I'd say the first step is really figuring out exactly what you want. You seem confused.

[Batya33]

Yes, figure out what you want and figure out ways to make other people feel comfortable in their own skin. Start with friendships -same sex or opposite -dating is much harder than becoming acquainted with people platonically, especially if you'd like dating to lead to something long term. So for example if you enjoy acting goofy but you see that other people react in negative or neutral (rather than positive) ways then figure out how to behave in a way that will make those people you want to get to know more comfortable around you.

 

For example, I constantly work on being an even better listener -I am very aware of my temptation to jump in or interrupt during a conversation so I restrain myself from doing so, and instead focus on letting the other person finish her thought and on listening actively. Just one example.

 

It's not about changing fundamentally who you are -it's about changing behavior. Telling yourself you have to "change your personality" will give you too much of an excuse to do nothing but choosing behaviors to change is very doable.

[Man with Dog]

If you have poor self-esteem, work on it. I had HORRIBLE self-esteem. I'm still a work in progress. But I made a huge change in 2012, so it can be done. Trust me when I say if you have poor self esteem you will continue to struggle with dating/finding women to date.

 

You may well pair off with a woman with low self-esteem. To some extent it may help both of you but there's a tendency for you to become too dependent on each other.

 

At least it's a start, though.

[t1lersm0m1]

No, your goofyness (or goofiness? sp?) is not what's keeping women away. There is someone out there for everyone. My good friend started dating a guy. As they got to know each other he let his quirks show more. At first she was hesitant, and said she didn't know if she can handle them. I told her to stick it out (unless of course her instincts were screaming at her to get out). I told her, my exact words were, "You may learn to find his quirks endearing." That's EXACTLy what happened. She now loves his quirks, she doesn't love him in spite of them.

 

You may be looking for the wrong type of woman based on your personality type. I don't know. But I also agree with bullet, you want to be boyfriend material, but then say you just want to date.

 

BTW, I found three great guys on link removed, a free dating site. With the first guy, I wasn't ready, with the second guy, he wasn't ready, and with the third guy, we broke up due to external circumstances. But all three guys are still GREAT guys who treated me great. I was on link removed for a year, and didn't get ONE DATE.

 

You didn't comment on the self-esteem.....being a big guy has no bearing on your ability to date. My brother is a big guy, and in my opinion (I love him!) he doesn't carry his weight well. He's not a solid looking big guy. Nonetheless, if he wasn't married he would have women lined up to date him! It's all about personality and self-esteem, not goofy personalities and being a big guy.

[Man with Dog]

Online dating doesn't really work for me. The paid sites are where women are looking to settle down. I'm just looking for dates, so I'm on the free ones. I also live in Los Angeles, where the girls are a tad more superficial.

 

My real question is how I can become more "boyfriend material"? Is my "goofy" side really sabotaging my chances? Is it because girls might be embarrassed to be around me? I'm not autistic, but some people think I am.

 

To answer the original question, NO you cannot change your personality. What you can do is change your behaviour. Some girls are goofy, too. Some goofy girls can still be attractive. I have a learning difficulty and I answered a recent questionnaire which suggested I might have some degree of autism. TBH, it DOES put people off but not everyone by a long way.

 

Whilst I sort of get that you're not ready to settle down, reluctance to consider it at 33 comes accross as very negative to many girls. Of course, you don't have to stick to your own age group. When I was your age I dated girls in their late teens to early 40s. You just have to be flexible in who you are prepared to date.

[petite]

Dougie, I've been following your threads for years, and I think at this point the one thing you need to invest in is a therapist. You also can't change alone because years you've been going in circles, doesn't matter how much people try and help in whichever way I think your problems stem from both the fact that you've felt insecure, but also that you contradict yourself between wanting a date to wanting someone to like you. I also think that because your parents basically supported you for most of your life that has caused some issues. You were never taught to rely on yourself and do for yourself until you moved to Cali. Even then for a long time they helped you out financially.

Some things we as humans are able to handle alone, sometimes we reach out to friends or people on forums like this one, but there comes a time when, if for years you've been going in circles that a professional should be the one to really help you tackle some issues.

 

I think if you're serious about making change a professional is really the only person that can help you make these changes. They will also help you break through any issues you might be having.

[Dougie_D]

You're contradicting yourself. Are you looking for dates or to be in a relationship with someone as her boyfriend? If it's the latter, then you would be dating women who are looking to "settle down" eventually, because that's typically why we have boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

So in that case, I'd say the first step is really figuring out exactly what you want. You seem confused.

 

I guess I just need to know how to get more dates and get past a the 1st date. I am wanting to be more of a bachelor.

[Dougie_D]

You may well pair off with a woman with low self-esteem. To some extent it may help both of you but there's a tendency for you to become too dependent on each other.

 

At least it's a start, though.

 

That situation backfired on me. I basically "took in" a girl into my large circle of people I knew. Met her at a party and started to introduce her to people. We went out for a movie...but anyways, I never made a move..but I'm pretty sure I built up her confidence. She was a freshman in college at that time.

[HeartGoesOn]

Dougie...I agree with Petite. and I've also followed your threads throughout the years Have you thought about getting some form of therapy? I think talking to someone face to face would be extremely helpful.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie...I agree with Petite. and I've also followed your threads throughout the years Have you thought about getting some form of therapy? I think talking to someone face to face would be extremely helpful.

 

I've been to 3 different "therapists" since I've been out here. NONE go out in the field. I learn and grow by "being in the field". It's like college. You have an idea what to do, but once you actually get out into the workforce, it's really different. You learn more once you get started in the real world.

 

I need to know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm telling the therapist may have not been exactly the way the girl perceived it. Maybe all I needed to do was give a her hug to seal the deal? Who knows? Personally, I feel like there is really no reason for a girl to not be attractive to me once she gets past a little bit of weight and my goofy side. I feel like I'm being "judged" too early.

[oitnb]

All my female friends love goofy, fun loving guys... I don't see that as a negative and I have yet to meet a woman who does... Are you sure that's the main issue here? And yes I agree a therapist would be a big help. Random internet advice can only get you so far.

[bulletproof]

I've been to 3 different "therapists" since I've been out here. NONE go out in the field. I learn and grow by "being in the field".

 

But you're not learning and growing by being in the field. Historically that has not been the case. A therapist isn't supposed to give you a bunch of rules and techniques to help you get a girlfriend. A good therapist should be helping you dig deeper so that you can figure out what you want in a much more specific way then what you're describing here. Therapy should also help you figure out what is getting in your way from getting what you want, once you establish what that is. And unfortunately, sometimes you have to try more than three therapists (and for an extended period of time) to find one that's really good for you.

 

My guess is that a big city like LA has some great therapists, too.

[Dougie_D]

All my female friends love goofy, fun loving guys... I don't see that as a negative and I have yet to meet a woman who does... Are you sure that's the main issue here? And yes I agree a therapist would be a big help. Random internet advice can only get you so far.

 

I think people think I'm a sort of a "lost puppy". I was asking my co-workers about fashion advice and then all started teasing me that I like to wear only one pair of shoes. They are a slip on/dress shoe that was apparently dirty. I can honestly care less about my shoes, but apparently women in general make a big deal about it. It's the little stuff that I don't care about that seems to be the big stuff that other people care about.

[Dougie_D]

But you're not learning and growing by being in the field. Historically that has not been the case. A therapist isn't supposed to give you a bunch of rules and techniques to help you get a girlfriend. A good therapist should be helping you dig deeper so that you can figure out what you want in a much more specific way then what you're describing here. Therapy should also help you figure out what is getting in your way from getting what you want, once you establish what that is. And unfortunately, sometimes you have to try more than three therapists (and for an extended period of time) to find one that's really good for you.

 

My guess is that a big city like LA has some great therapists, too.

 

O.k. If you really want to know what I want, I just want girls to flock over me. I want to be wanted consistently. I want girls to dream about me and lust over me like a popstar. I want to ask a girl out and have her blush in a cute way. I want to know that I am desired.

[Batya33]

O.k. If you really want to know what I want, I just want girls to flock over me. I want to be wanted consistently. I want girls to dream about me and lust over me like a popstar. I want to ask a girl out and have her blush in a cute way. I want to know that I am desired.

 

And that is why I feel like I wasted my time giving you input. Here's what my expectations were when I was dating "I hope to meet a good match sooner rather than later". That need for all that ego stroking,etc- if I ever felt that way it was as a very young teenager and maybe early 20s when I went out dancing a lot. If you're not willing to endure rejection on a regular basis (if you ask women out on a regular basis) and willing to accept that connecting with someone in a meaningful way with potential for the long term is tough to find but so worth it if you do, then don't bother doing all this work you're talking about because you'll sabotage it with your unrealistic expectations.

[petite]

O.k. If you really want to know what I want, I just want girls to flock over me. I want to be wanted consistently. I want girls to dream about me and lust over me like a popstar. I want to ask a girl out and have her blush in a cute way. I want to know that I am desired.

 

No self respecting female will act this way.

 

Your issues seem to be deeper than just wanting a date, and there are plenty of great therapists in LA. You need to stop concentrating so much on girls and get to the core of your issues and insecurities. I don't know any genuinely nice, down to earth, great guys that need their egos stroked by anyone. So I suggest you work on yourself before even attempting to date because msot great girls don't want to stroke anyone's ego, and shouldn't have to. You're an adult, deal with your insecurities instead of having ridiculous expectations.

[bulletproof]

O.k. If you really want to know what I want, I just want girls to flock over me. I want to be wanted consistently. I want girls to dream about me and lust over me like a popstar. I want to ask a girl out and have her blush in a cute way. I want to know that I am desired.

 

Okay. But what that says to me is that you need external validation, in a very big way. That isn't what dating or relationships should be about, at least not healthy dating/relationships. We all want to be desired, to some degree, but if you're emotionally healthy, you realize that's more of a fantasy (like winning the lottery- we all want that) than reality.

 

You could get a dog and have that kind of adoration. And that's something to think about- do you really want to think of women that way?

 

Think about the reverse: what do you want to give someone? The focus seems to always be on what you can get (validation, love, sex, adoration). When you start thinking about what you want to give to someone you might find a perspective shift that's a lot more helpful.

[Dougie_D]

Okay. But what that says to me is that you need external validation, in a very big way. That isn't what dating or relationships should be about, at least not healthy dating/relationships. We all want to be desired, to some degree, but if you're emotionally healthy, you realize that's more of a fantasy (like winning the lottery- we all want that) than reality.

 

You could get a dog and have that kind of adoration. And that's something to think about- do you really want to think of women that way?

 

Think about the reverse: what do you want to give someone? The focus seems to always be on what you can get (validation, love, sex, adoration). When you start thinking about what you want to give to someone you might find a perspective shift that's a lot more helpful.

 

Maybe what I said was a little over the top. Maybe that's another fault in my personality.

 

I've never been in a relationship so I honestly can't give anyone a straight up answer to what I want. I know that the first part of being in a relationship is the dating aspect.

 

The more I get rejected, the more I feel like my window of opportunity is closing. It's also the burden from my friends and even family. I hate it when they say "so are you seeing anyone?" or "have you lost your virginity yet?".

 

The best example is: A car is a girl. Driving the car is being in a relationship. Now I see cars all the time. 16 year old kids are finally learning how to drive. Every time I got to start the ignition, the car stalls. I don't know how to drive. So instead, I am always riding shotgun and watching the scenery from my window. When the day I start the ignition and drive there will be proof to myself and everyone else that I will finally be on the road.

 

Getting a pet is like getting a hooker.

 

I want to give someone the support and love they would desire from me. I am really good about giving people encouragement but not myself. I think that's part of the reason why I feel like I need a girlfriend. When around someone for long periods of time you tend to bounce off from each other. It's like playing tennis. Sometime you can imagine the wall, and the ball bounces but after awhile the wall will break.

[bulletproof]

 

Getting a pet is like getting a hooker.

 

I'm really not quite sure what that means.

 

I think that's part of the reason why I feel like I need a girlfriend. When around someone for long periods of time you tend to bounce off from each other.

 

Again, it's still what *you* need. If you feel like you "need" a girlfriend, that's a bad start. It sounds like you just want validation and you're reacting to what friends and family are saying. You say you're going to give someone support and love. That's kind of vague. What does that mean?

[t1lersm0m1]

I haven't caught up on the thread, but I think it is the vibe you are giving off. The goofy, overweight issues should have no bearing on your dating life.

 

I've been to 3 different "therapists" since I've been out here. NONE go out in the field. I learn and grow by "being in the field". It's like college. You have an idea what to do, but once you actually get out into the workforce, it's really different. You learn more once you get started in the real world.

 

I need to know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm telling the therapist may have not been exactly the way the girl perceived it. Maybe all I needed to do was give a her hug to seal the deal? Who knows? Personally, I feel like there is really no reason for a girl to not be attractive to me once she gets past a little bit of weight and my goofy side. I feel like I'm being "judged" too early.

[t1lersm0m1]

You have A LOT of work to do with a good therapist. Life is not like this. Women will only possibly act like that if you are a meat head, and it won't be self-respecting women.

 

You have a LOT of work to do emotionally. Please stop trying to date and start working on yourself.

 

O.k. If you really want to know what I want, I just want girls to flock over me. I want to be wanted consistently. I want girls to dream about me and lust over me like a popstar. I want to ask a girl out and have her blush in a cute way. I want to know that I am desired.