I wasted my life and I see no way out of it.

[mesmerized]

Hello everyone...

 

I used to write long posts here... I wanted to write another one. I wanted to share with someone how I feel about myself and my career... But the sadness I'm feeling right now is so intense and so heavy that it makes my hands move so slowly over the keyboard... The eyelids close themselves and the only one thought is running through my brain... "You've lost. You've wasted your life" I feel like vomiting. Throwing everything out in one hateful act of desperation. I can't turn the time back. I can't change those decisions I made. Where can I seek help? Where do I go? How do I get another chance? How do I get born again?

 

How I wish I could cease to stop thinking. To stop. Just for a moment. How I wish I could see there's still a chance.

 

I know I haven't written about what my problem is... but I don't even know if there's someone who will read what I want to say...

 

May I ask for your help?

[Silentlyfor]

You're how old?

[mesmerized]

You're how old?

 

I'm about to turn 30. You will say it's nothing, I'm sure, but... well... you'd have to listen to my story.

[jjkk]

Most likely you aren't even halfway through your life yet so there is plenty of time to get it back on track and find meaning in what you do and learn to accept yourself and your past.

[Man with Dog]

No, it's not nothing. I'm about twice your age and I feel major aspects of my life have been a disappointment. Most people don't have it all and somehow we've been sold the dream that we can have a successful career, great family life, loads of friends and interests and train for the marathon on the side.

 

I have a great relationship with my grown up daughter and have been mostly happily married (2nd time) for a long time. I have achieved my ambition to be a published writer and, well, the rest is not much to shout about.

 

I COULD say that at 30 you've still got time to put things right and start again but, let's be honest, you've got less time than someone in their teens and if you are older and not well experienced and qualified then your working life will be an uphill struggle. Maybe you could channel some ambitions away from your main career.

 

Relationship wise, there's loads of people around your age who are single/divorced and are willing for a second chance.

 

I need to hear a bit more before I can advise much but good luck.

[valerie25]

I read your other posts. Are you still in China? I have a friend and she is from New Zealand. She currently teaches English in Moscow and her life is fabulous. I started my current job when I was 30 and it was a new bussiness.It is not easy to start late but it is not hopeless. Is there a possibility that you are depressed?

[lerenard]

You put too much pressure on yourself. And you want your life to change but you are afraid of that change. You are also afraid of going back home because that is what all young people feel when they leave their home country, but it isn't working out as they wished - I cant go home, I will be such a failure! Well, you will be is you stay where you are, hating your job, your life and the place you are in.

 

Do you have any savings? A flat there that you can sell/rent? A car that you can sell?

 

You need to show your fear your middle finger and make a 180° turn and do something different. Leave you high expectations - they already failed you! Do something different!

[Man with Dog]

What is so bad about your life at the moment? I haven't read your older posts.

[mesmerized]

First of all, let me thank you (Man with Dog, lerenard, valerie25, jjjk, redmage22) for your answers.

 

I don't know where to start... I'll try to break it down.

 

Education

 

I got my BA degree in Education (with the focus on teaching English to students of other languages) and my Master's in History of English/American Literature. When I was 19 I was considering going for something like computer science but my maths and physics were not up to par. Sure, I had wild dreams such as becoming a musician (I still play but less and less often 'cause here I don't have access to my instruments) or a writer (I still write but everything goes to my drawer) I didn't realize at that time that I'd end up in such a dark place as I'm in now...

 

From the perspective of time, I came to a conclusion that my major was a mistake. I graduated from an unknown European university because I simply had no money to study in the UK, let alone the US. I consider my MA degree studies to be something I did out of passion for literature, philosophy and history rather than a way to make money.

 

Unfortunately, I, rather bitterly, found out that my MA degree is more or less like a... piece of worthless paper. Why? Well, I guess you'll see why in the next few paragraphs.

 

Personal life

 

I guess it's something not even worth mentioning. I've had serious relationships but all of them ended in a disaster in some form or another. I don't really lead any social life because where I'm living now there's not much of it. As for my relations with women I... I sort of gave up on this aspect of life. Yeah, I have some "advantages" I suppose. I'm told I look good and have a great sense of humor. I have a very strong sense of morality and never cheated on a woman (although I got cheated on) nor made women left alone in any predicaments but my depressive mood swings killed most of my relationships. I think the moment that killed my spirits was when I was helping my EX girlfriend to get to the local hospital in the middle of the night and in the meantime my apartment was being burglarized. I lost everything and she didn't even lift a finger to comfort me in any way. I guess that was the day when I lost faith in relationships. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm unable to love anymore. Something died within me. As the time goes by I have less and less chances of finding "the one" I sure wish I could be one of these outgoing folks who get to know new people every Friday but... I'm not. The place I'm living in is a cultural desert anyway.

 

My current life & career

 

I left my homeland because living with my parents was putting me down. I was 24 and unable to support myself. All the job offers I was getting were either a night-shift help-desk service for pennies or teaching a few classes a week. Neither would make me leave on my own so I persuaded my girlfriend to go to China. I have to admit that it didn't matter much where I would have ended up at that time because all I cared for was to leave the dreadful situation I was in. I wanted to live on my own 'cause I felt like a burden for my parents. So I moved to China... It'd probably take me days to describe what I went through...

 

I'm living in one of the most polluted cities in China. Make no mistake, when I say "polluted" what I mean is that you cannot open windows too often to vent your room. You should not perform any outdoor activities such as jogging on most of the days. Masks are highly recommended even though they can't really stop the pm 2.5 because those particles are way too small. If you put on a white shirt one morning, 2 days later it'll be grey-ish.

 

Why can't I move to another city? Well, here's the catch. White, young Americans are preferred. In 1st or 2nd tier cities a white, blue-eyed American can get an English teaching position even without having a degree. I have worked with native speakers who were 19 or 20 years old, had no degrees and still got better paid than I did. One of my co-workers once said to me (a line I will never forget) "I can go anywhere in Asia, teach anywhere, do whatever I want, half of the staff and students in the school and get money for that" And that's what he was actually doing. China made me realize how pointless teaching is. How "unreal" it is. How undervalued my diploma is. Nobody, not even one employer paid attention to my Master's degree. Do you know what they always ask for? Here's a typical conversation with shool XYZ:

 

A: Do you have a teaching certificate?

B: I have two university diplomas related to the field of education.

A: But do you have a teaching certificate?

 

- Let me explain what it is. One can get a TESL certificate in a month. Online. 5 years of studying means less than a teaching certificate that can be done in a month.

 

Once I got the bloody certificate, here's what most interviews are like:

 

A: Do you have a teaching certificate?

B: I have two university diplomas related to the field of education and yes, I do have a TEFL certificate.

A: How long have you been teaching?

B: Nearly 6 years.

A: Do you have a passport from one of these 5 countries? (US,UK,AUS,NZ,Canada)

B: No, I don't.

A: Thank you very much but we cannot... blah blah blah

 

I tried to approach schools in a different way... I prepared a very professional-looking CV, I wrote my teaching statement, cover letter... I even recorded a few demo videos... I even asked my students to write down their opinions of my teaching style. I didn't mention I was not a native-speaker of English... All of a studden I started getting emails like:

 

"We'd be very happy to have you here." or "Your attitude towards teaching is very professional so we'd be happy to offer you a position in our school." Lots of emails like that. And then... When it came to the final question - the one about my nationality - 99% of those "interested in my candidacy" didn't even bother to say "We're sorry but we can't offer you a job" Most of them simply never got back to me. The only thing I'm left with is the pride I have and the fact that my sudents adored my classes. I was chosen the best teacher in those little places I worked for. Yeah, underpaid but still... at least I got some satisfaction from knowing my students got something from me.

 

Dreams and future

 

I've realized that teaching English is not what I want to do. I'm sick of hearing from my students that they're going to study in New York, Vancouver or Sydney. The greatest paradox of it all is that they ask me what they should study... what major they should take... When I hear about all those fascinating majors they're going to have, my spirits simply plunge into the abyss...

 

I made a mistake 10 years ago. I chose the wrong major. A mistake that cannot be changed.

 

I've always had one dream... To immigrate to Canada (my grandma lives there) or New Zealand, get a PhD and teach what I truly love teaching, that is literature and history. But the more I read about PhD level studies, the more I see I probably can't do it. I have no money to pay for a PhD and the only reasonable way would be to get one from a really good university. What's the point of spending thousands of dollars and 5 years on a univiersity that isn not even recognized around the world?

 

Besides, nowadays nobody seems to be offering scholarships in my field... Just today I found a wonderful offer from the University of Bath (one of the best universities in the UK) for doctoral level studies in........... computer games, 3d animation and visual effects... Students will receive full-funding, 20,000pounds a year, accommodation plus paid internships...

 

So here I am. 30 years old with a job I've long detested. With a major that doesn't give me much. With dreams I feel I cannot achieve. I feel like a piece of trash that is to be removed off the street.

 

I could try to apply for a university and go for another Bachelor's in something that could possibly get me a decent job one day... but who will employ a 34 year old man with no experience?

 

After so many rejections from so many schools I even feel my English is not good enough to teach. I constantly question myself and my abilities. I have been brainwashed by all those negative replies from employers...

 

I'm worth very little. That's what it all feels like. I don't know. Perhaps I should simply slug through for a few years more and then just pull the trigger and end it all. What's the point anyway? If I can't do what I love? If I can't study again? Yes, I guess studying would make me truly happy. I love educating myself and if I could be a university worker I'd probably be the happiest person in the world.

 

Anyway, sorry for any typos or inconsistencies... It's 1am here... My mind is clouded... That's what I've been doing recently... Staying up every single day, thinking 24h, killing myself with thoughts... occassionally drinking.

 

I really see no way out. I feel I'm becoming more and more depressed, secluded and separated from reality and people around me... Can't shake those dark thoughts off... Yeah, I've got some meds I could use but... since I can remember... no meds helped me as much as a glimpse of hope... I remember how happy I was when I first came up with the idea of getting further education... Gosh, what a great feeling it was... I know what would really make me believe in life again, what would make me happy... but how do I achieve it?

[DancingFool]

In terms of issues with depression, you have got to start taking your medication. No excuses. If you had a bad bacterial infection, you'd take your medication. This is no different. It's not going to go away just because you wish it. So please, do yourself a favor and take your meds and help yourself in that respect.

 

As for your education and work, stop trying to paddle upstream and instead look for where you can actually paddle with the stream. Cultures like China are rigid - as you have already learned. They want this certificate, that bell whistle, in exactly that precise order and they don't care about anything different or better or outside of the rigid lines. However, there are plenty of other places around the world where you could make a good living and not have to deal with that kind of a rigid culture. In short, places where you would actually fit in and be welcome warmly and feel a lot more at home and a part of society. Look around.

 

As for writing....you are a great writer and it's obvious even from your OP. Stop messing about and tossing everything in a drawer. Instead make a plan - what you want to write, lay it out. Then work on it every single day - dedicate x hours to it and do it. You'll have something solid to send off to publishers, or rather the agents, in no time at all. There is no earthly reason why you are not doing this. Hint: pleasant, well researched historical mystery novels sell like hotcakes, if money is your motivation. Given your background and ability, no earthly reason why you can't crank that out. In your shoes, I'd get to work.

 

Other than that, if you don't like teaching or feel burned out, then what do you want to do? You kind of need to sit down and figure out what you need to do to make money and what you need to do to have some fun in life. Maybe getting the loans to get a PhD is a solution and maybe not. Have you thought about opening your own business? Teaching on the side while you get it going? Other means of making side money like translation services? You have marketable skills, but look around and start thinking outside the box. That will get you extra funds so you have more freedom to move and do other things with your life.

[mesmerized]

I cant go home, I will be such a failure! Well, you will be is you stay where you are, hating your job, your life and the place you are in. Do you have any savings? A flat there that you can sell/rent? A car that you can sell?

 

About going back home

 

Going home would definitely be a step backwards both development-wise and money-wise. I've got a friend working in a public school;, she's working as a subsitute teacher in a public school and makes the equivalence of about 800USD a month. She's 30 years old and still lives with her parents because she simply can't afford to rent an apartment on her own, let alone buy one. What's more, the school's principal is treating her like c_X_X_p.

 

Savings

 

I have managed to save about 28,000USD. It's not a lot for many Americans, but it's lot for me. My original intention was to invest that money in education.

 

In terms of issues with depression, you have got to start taking your medication. No excuses. If you had a bad bacterial infection, you'd take your medication. This is no different. It's not going to go away just because you wish it. So please, do yourself a favor and take your meds and help yourself in that respect.

 

About meds

 

Thanks for your insights Dancing Fool.

 

I've tried 20 different medications in my life and nothing helps me more than a glimpse of hope I can stick to. Yeah, I'll probably start taking pills again but they are not, and never will be a solution. I can't be on meds my whole life anyways.

 

As for your education and work, stop trying to paddle upstream and instead look for where you can actually paddle with the stream. Cultures like China are rigid - as you have already learned. They want this certificate, that bell whistle, in exactly that precise order and they don't care about anything different or better or outside of the rigid lines. However, there are plenty of other places around the world where you could make a good living and not have to deal with that kind of a rigid culture. In short, places where you would actually fit in and be welcome warmly and feel a lot more at home and a part of society. Look around.

 

About leaving China

 

I've been meaning to leave China for quite a while but some people suggested me to suffer through in order to learn Chinese well. They claim that Chinese might be an invaluable asset in the future. I do want to leave but first I need to have a clear plan what to do next, where to go. I can't just quit my job and burn all my savings while thinking on my next step.

 

As for writing....you are a great writer and it's obvious even from your OP. Stop messing about and tossing everything in a drawer. Instead make a plan - what you want to write, lay it out. Then work on it every single day - dedicate x hours to it and do it. You'll have something solid to send off to publishers, or rather the agents, in no time at all. There is no earthly reason why you are not doing this. Hint: pleasant, well researched historical mystery novels sell like hotcakes, if money is your motivation. Given your background and ability, no earthly reason why you can't crank that out. In your shoes, I'd get to work.

 

About writing

Writing is, has always been just a hobby and unless I find a stable job it will always be this way. I need to figure out a way to stop this spiral of dark thoughts.

 

Other than that, if you don't like teaching or feel burned out, then what do you want to do?

 

About teaching

I do like teaching in general but I can't teach English my whole life. When I had some history or literature classes I couldn't be more excited! I love teaching those. I love preparing for classes, sharing thoughts with my students, finding out new facts... etc.

 

The way I see it and some questions

 

1) I have no retirement plan

2) I don't have health insurance

3) My major is not going to help me get a decent job

4) I'm not that young anymore

 

Any major disease and I'm done. It's the last moment to change anything. Either something happens in my life or I'll be going down this road to the bitter end. I've had suicidial thoughts every time I faced these issues.

 

Either I go back to school (I'm afraid it might be a waste of time and money to go for another Bachelor's) and change my career path 180 degrees or I pursue my career in the field of education in one way or another.

 

Is it reasonable to go back to school at my age? I'd love to educate myself and get a degree from a really good university. I have always my education was incomplete... I have always felt graduating from a good uni would give me so much satisfaction and pride... It's one of those things I just wanted to do for myself.

 

Is it possible to immigrate to Canada, New Zealand or the US and find a job there or is it a fool's errand? Is it possible to become a teacher in those countries?

 

I don't know where this idea comes from, maybe I'm suffering from some disorder, but I need a sense of achievement... I need to know I have achieved something really great. Getting a degree from one of the top 50 universities would truly make me happy. So would moving to Canada or New Zealand.

 

If you have any ideas, please share them. I'd be very gratrful.

 

PS. Relationships-wise... I don't see any chances of starting one. I haven't been out or met any new people for ages... Language barrier, cultural gap etc. make it very hard for me. All I do is work. 24/7. All the time. After work I watch movie or read a book, have a drink, go to bed... It's a vicious circle.

[lerenard]

You seem like you are giving up, you sound bitter and disappointed in life/women/people in general and yourself as well. And you are only 30.

First of all, stop comparing yourself to others who did better/worse in life. THAT is your life, and you can`t give it up because a friend of a friend still lives with her parents. So what? I had a friend too, who had his bachelor and then wasn't officially working for several years, living with his parents, saving money from small jobs he had here and there. He was waiting for a perfect job, and he found it at 28. He just bought an amazing flat, and he makes a lot of money on a job that he actually likes. Thousands of people in their 20s, 30s and 40s live with their parents and still they are happy.

 

You have money saved. You want to invest them into education, but not where you are now AND you can`t leave also. So what is the point of having these saving that you can`t spend on what you want to spend them, while you also refuse to use them to leave that place you hate so much?

 

You need therapy, medication if you should be taking one, and to get a grip on your life and stop making excuses, because you failed in the past. You will fail in some things in live, this is how it goes. But you wont succeed if you give up trying in your 30s.

 

About relationships - you don't need one now, you are depressed and in a crossroads, and in the city you want to leave behind.

 

Where are you from? What is so bad about your home country? Surely if you want to be in Canada or New Zealand or UK/US - you need to be perfect in English, and they most definitely will take native speakers. This is not your fault, or some kind of injustice of life directed to you personally.

 

If you are considering staying in China - why not move to another place you will feel happier about, with more trees and fresh air? If you struggle so much in a big polluted city - go to a smaller place, where maybe they will have jobs for you with less requirements? Also, why not move to a better place and take a freelancer job in writing/translating, for example? There are tons of possibilities in a modern world! You can have small classes, teaching English to adults, and use your love for writing to make money as well. A lot of people would need your skills and your passion for literature/history if you LOOK FOR IT. There are people in struggle in ANY country and of ANY profession. If your poor friend makes little money on a job she hates and she is treated like cr*p - she should change something in her life. This is not a proof that if YOU go to that same city you will have the same faith.

[mesmerized]

You have money saved. You want to invest them into education, but not where you are now AND you can`t leave also. So what is the point of having these saving that you can`t spend on what you want to spend them, while you also refuse to use them to leave that place you hate so much?

 

I do want to leave. This will probably be my last year in China. The problem is that I don't know what to do next. I will be 31 years old. I can't pick up any job I want because I don't have the skills. For instance, I can't work in the IT field because I don't have the relevant degree. Is it reasonable to invest in education at the age of 31? A bacherlor's degree at the age of 31?

 

You need therapy, medication if you should be taking one, and to get a grip on your life and stop making excuses.

 

In China there's no such thing as therapy. Not to mention the fact that doctors don't speak English. In Shanghai they probably do. Not here.

 

Where are you from? What is so bad about your home country? Surely if you want to be in Canada or New Zealand or UK/US - you need to be perfect in English, and they most definitely will take native speakers. This is not your fault, or some kind of injustice of life directed to you personally.

 

I have no problems communicating in English. I'd say my English is 98,5% native-like. I'm from Poland. I don't want to live there now. Not for the next 5 or 10 years. I might retire there one day. My country is alright. Great environment in fact.

 

I don't know how to explain it. I simply prefer using English. I have always felt better living in other countries. I also need a sense of accomplishment in my life. I just need it. My mood changes 180 when I see I can accomplish something.

 

If you are considering staying in China - why not move to another place you will feel happier about, with more trees and fresh air?

 

I'm working on it now. Unfortunately, my application got rejected. I was aiming at those "better cities" in China. It's nearly the end of the school semester. Most schools have already found new employees. And like I said before... If I keep teaching English, I will feel like I haven't achieved anything. I do not want to teach English my whole life. I don't. I really don't.

 

I do not want to stay in China. I do feel that a PhD or a whole new degree in something totally different is the way to go but... my age stops me from jumping into that idea. It's not like I don't know what I want, I do. I just don't see any possibilities of achieving what I want. You know what I mean, right?

 

Let me stress it once again... I need a sense of achievement in life. A sense of accomplishment.

[mesmerized]

You seem like you are giving up, you sound bitter and disappointed in life/women/people in general and yourself as well. And you are only 30.

 

You are right. Not only am I disappointed but disillusioned as well. I'm not giving up willingly... If I could see at least a slim chance of getting what I want, I'd fight for it till the end.

 

One of my students is going to Northeastern University... When she told me what courses she's going to take, my eyes were burning with a mixture of curiosity, jealousy and passion. Why can't I study what I want?

 

Why can't I move to one of those countries? My students sometimes can't even speak English well but they're going to New Zealand or Canada. Why can't I? I have no problems with English at all.

[lerenard]

A bacherlor's degree at the age of 31? So what?

 

I'm from Poland. I am from a much smaller country, still I came back here after several years in Germany, rent is cheaper here, and just because I knew both English and German I found a job in a rapidly growing business company, I work in Sales, Marketing, Advertising and Translation, and I don't even have a Bachelor. So, you see, it is possible. And I am not the only one. I don't speak the native language of my home county because I am an alien like that, so I also though OMG there are no possibilities for me, I will be offered bar tending jobs or will have to go dance naked to survive. Never happened. I wanted to escape this place since I was 14, now I know I will be here for 2 more years, and I am at peace with that thought. I will continue preparing myself for a move, and I will go and get a bachelor at 27-28, probably. I don't think it is something scary.

 

I had friends in Germany that finished second and totally different bachelor while being 32 and 34. Happiest people I ever met.

[mesmerized]

A bacherlor's degree at the age of 31? So what?

 

I meant, to begin studying at the age of 31 or 32 not to actually get the degree at this age.

 

So let's say I'll go to the UK or Canada to get another degree. Naturally, I'll have to spend all my savings to get it. How can I support myself in those countries? Would there be any possibilities? I'm just afraid to spend everything I have and drop out of school due to lack of funds.

[lerenard]

RESEARCH. And if you see that you wont be able to support yourself - seek other possibilities, Canada and UK may be dream lands for many people, I also had a dream to move to UK that vanished after I visited it and saw how my friends live there. Have you though about Scotland, maybe? Education is free there, you can have your savings and a part time/freelance job and you will be living like a king. See some options, I understand your DREAM is to go to UK or Canada, but if it isn't possible now, its not a reason to die, you know!

[mesmerized]

RESEARCH. And if you see that you wont be able to support yourself - seek other possibilities, Canada and UK may be dream lands for many people, I also had a dream to move to UK that vanished after I visited it and saw how my friends live there. Have you though about Scotland, maybe? Education is free there, you can have your savings and a part time/freelance job and you will be living like a king. See some options, I understand your DREAM is to go to UK or Canada, but if it isn't possible now, its not a reason to die, you know!

 

Thank you Lerenard. I'll definitely start researching more. Thanks for giving me some hope. Hope is something I desperately need.

 

I once did some research on studying in Scotland. It's a great place. I wanted to pack my things and go there immediately but there was a catch that killed my spirits... Last time I read, education was free for those who don't have a degree at all.

 

By the way, may I ask where you're from?

 

I hope this topic won't die. I'd be really grateful for any inisghts.

[mesmerized]

Hello there,

 

Hope you are still there people.

 

Yesterday evening was a very tough moment for me. I had some evening classes and I finally realized why I cannot do what I do. I simply cannot teach English anymore. It's gonna kill me mentally. I noticed that I don't have this "in-class" energy I used to have. I don't prepare for some classes because I know the lesson plans by heart... My creativity is dying and what's more my English is regressing and I'm not learning any new skills.

 

I think the longer I keep doing it, the worse my situation will be.

 

I'd like to move to another field of education... If not, then I should start thinking of a whole new career... The question is... Should I go back to school?

[milkycoffee7]

Hello there,

 

Hope you are still there people.

 

Yesterday evening was a very tough moment for me. I had some evening classes and I finally realized why I cannot do what I do. I simply cannot teach English anymore. It's gonna kill me mentally. I noticed that I don't have this "in-class" energy I used to have. I don't prepare for some classes because I know the lesson plans by heart... My creativity is dying and what's more my English is regressing and I'm not learning any new skills.

 

I think the longer I keep doing it, the worse my situation will be.

 

I'd like to move to another field of education... If not, then I should start thinking of a whole new career... The question is... Should I go back to school?

 

If you don't like what you are doing or the situation you are in, change.

 

If you think re-training will make you happy both as a process and as a means to an end then do it.

 

I am 30 myself. I qualified as a teacher 6 years ago but have always been self conscious and never felt I had the confidence or was cut out for it. But now I am older, I felt ready. I am doing a bit of volunteer teaching and I am going to refresh my knowledge and skills.

 

Yes, ideally I would've liked this 5 years ago and I compare myself to others who are v successful and set up for life. I am trying to get over my ex who is a successful lawyer who now lives with his lawyer gf. It drags me down at times. But you have the control over your life and you have to make it better. Education is a life-long process. I would rather be constantly changing and growing rather than stagnant. A lot people get to early thirties (and older) and decide to change because they realise as much as they aren't 18 anymore, there are still a lot of working years to go. 30+ working years. Keep the bigger picture in mind x

[figur]

I'm not discounting your desire to stop teaching English, but my first thought of how you could change your situation is to move to a US city with a large Polish community who need English lessons. Or maybe work for a translation service who assists non-English speakers with legal documents. Cleveland is an example, plus it has a ton of universities you could potentially find an adjuncting or lecturer position in with an MA. Whether more schooling is the answer only you can decide, but you need to break down your plan of change into manageable, incremental pieces.

 

Sent from my XT897 using Tapatalk

[mesmerized]

I'm not discounting your desire to stop teaching English, but my first thought of how you could change your situation is to move to a US city with a large Polish community who need English lessons. Or maybe work for a translation service who assists non-English speakers with legal documents. Cleveland is an example, plus it has a ton of universities you could potentially find an adjuncting or lecturer position in with an MA. Whether more schooling is the answer only you can decide, but you need to break down your plan of change into manageable, incremental pieces.

 

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Thank you for you insights Figur.

 

I'll drop a line or two a bit later. I had a road accident yesterday.

[RainyCoast]

Ahhh...there's something about the purity of Slavic souls which makes them very sensitive and prone to lethargy. But it's beautiful too, you could channel that somewhere. Think Yesenin, Akhmatova, Tarkovsky..

I really think you should write more. It'd get you some fresh excitement about the use of language, dispel some boredom, you might be able to even market it (ever thought about creative jobs such as advertising? The Chinese have businesses all over the world, perhaps they wouldn't mind boosting their business with some new, creative advertising ideas?).

But, I'll take a 180 turn now. I'm hitting thirty soon too. I've invested all my efforts into providing a good life for myself, one that I could be happy with and feel proud of. Well, it so happened I contracted a ghastly disease, my health is deteriorating quickly, in my case, just managing symptoms is almost impossible, let alone preventing my health from deteriorating further. I've been intelligent, responsible, hardworking all my life and now? I said the other day that I'm a free woman and by free woman I mean broke, unemployed and almost unemployable but I'm gonna go with free because it sounds better Yeah, it all went down the drain. It's not very likely I'll ever be able to regain the life I've worked for. Right now I'm just set on somehow surviving and doing everything I can, as difficult as that is in my condition,to provide for myself. Oh, btw, my mum has been an English teacher almost all her life. She tries to stay creative but admittedly, the job often makes her feel like she's stuck in a rut.

I mean...it's grossly unfair how life can turn out- after all the invested effort..And here's the only thing that helps me when all else fails: I drop my expectations. All of them. In the end, the outside circumstances could go from bad to worse at any time. One should do their best to shape their reality but it's immensely liberating to also except things as they are and not allow them to determine how you feel so much. I sympathize deeply and am quite familiar with the feeling of pervading gloom. For me, the only thing that helped, after a long time of hating what appeared to be an accursed destiny was to simply accept things are as they are. Or else I would've gone insane.

 

In your case, I'd say bare it just a little longer. This experience will look great on your resume, you're skilled at adjusting to unknown environments, well educated, you have proven you'll do whatever it takes to make a decent living by moving at a young age, you went and got extra qualifications even though the requirements were downright silly and you present your work professionally. Hat off, if I were a manager I'd so hire you. I think you DO have a bright future ahead, keep exploring options! I'm sorry about your accident, so not what you needed, hugz!

Oh, btw, are you familiar with InterNations? You can follow their stuff online to keep in touch with events by the expatriate community, it might give you a little bit of "home" feeling. I'm sure there are other similar platforms of the kind.

[agent1607307371]

Is it reasonable to invest in education at the age of 31? A bacherlor's degree at the age of 31?

 

Is it reasonable to live the next 40 years sad that you didn't take the shot when you were 30?

 

All schools have mature students.

[mesmerized]

Hello there.

 

Recent development of my situation has nearly crushed all my confidence. My self-estee dropped dramatically and I think I've never before felt so hopeless.

Before I explain everything in detail, let me address some of these wonderful posts you guys wrote.

 

I'm not discounting your desire to stop teaching English, but my first thought of how you could change your situation is to move to a US city with a large Polish community who need English lessons. Or maybe work for a translation service who assists non-English speakers with legal documents. Cleveland is an example, plus it has a ton of universities you could potentially find an adjuncting or lecturer position in with an MA. Whether more schooling is the answer only you can decide, but you need to break down your plan of change into manageable, incremental pieces.

 

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Thank you Figur. The problem with moving to the US is that being a non-US citizen I don't have the legal right to wotrk there. If I could find an adjuncting/lecturer position I'd be the happiest person ever but I'm not sure how to get my hands on it so to speak. I thought I could actually work on my PhD and at the same time work at the university where I'd be doing it...

 

 

But, I'll take a 180 turn now. I'm hitting thirty soon too. I've invested all my efforts into providing a good life for myself, one that I could be happy with and feel proud of. Well, it so happened I contracted a ghastly disease, my health is deteriorating quickly, in my case, just managing symptoms is almost impossible, let alone preventing my health from deteriorating further. I've been intelligent, responsible, hardworking all my life and now? I said the other day that I'm a free woman and by free woman I mean broke, unemployed and almost unemployable but I'm gonna go with free because it sounds better

 

Hello RainyCoast. Thanks for your wonderful post. I'm sorry to hear that your health. I do hope there is a way to stop your health from deteriorating... There must be a way... From your post it looks like you're stronger than I am.

 

In your case, I'd say bare it just a little longer. This experience will look great on your resume, you're skilled at adjusting to unknown environments, well educated, you have proven you'll do whatever it takes to make a decent living by moving at a young age, you went and got extra qualifications even though the requirements were downright silly and you present your work professionally. Hat off, if I were a manager I'd so hire you. I think you DO have a bright future ahead, keep exploring options! I'm sorry about your accident, so not what you needed, hugz!

 

I don't know if it's going to make you feel better but when I was reading this part I felt a wave of hope coming to my mind... Unfortunately then came this:

 

 

Here's what happened in the past few days/weeks. Every single day I keep receive emails with the same content... Have a look at some of them:

 

Unfortunately Teachanywhere only works with schools that require a formal teaching qualification such as PGCE, Bacehlor of Education or equivalent. Good Luck in your search.

 

Best regards,

The Teachanywhere team

 

It doesn't matter to them that I have a Bachelor's degree in teaching... It doesn't matter I've got a Master's. My degrees are worthless apparently. The guy even made a mistake in the word "Bachelor"

 

Hi,Adam:

 

Do you have American passport? We can only employ American passport holders.

 

Regards

C. Wu

 

They probably never opened my CV at all... My nationality is clearly stated in my documents... And then of course, I don't have an Ameircan passport so I don't qualify anyway in their opinion.

 

Here's another one:

 

Thank you for sending this through.

 

May I ask your nationality? Sorry to be blunt, but we have a vacancy in Shenzhen, but the local bureau will not issue Z visas to high school teachers from ‘non English speaking countries’. I should stress that this is a local government issue, not a company policy, but I wanted to get that out of the way.

 

Regards,

 

O.

 

Then in the next email he says:

 

At this stage, particularly as the remaining vacancies need some background in teaching English Literature. In the meantime, I wish you the best of luck with your job hunt.

 

Apparently he never opened my CV because it clearly says I've been teaching AP English Literature for over a year. Not to mention the fact that my Master's

degree was in English/American literature.

 

I feel completely hopeless. My visa expires soon. I have no job and no prospects of finding one. I've received tons of emails like those above. My degrees mean nothing, my experience means nothing. I prepared several professional documents to show them I'm a well-qualified teacher. I even wrote a bloody teaching statement even though it's never required in China because they have no idea what a teaching statement is. I prepared demo videos to show them how I teach. I even asked a few students of mine to prepare an honest opinion of my classes...

 

I don't know what to do. Every single email is like a smack, like a blow to all I've done in my life.