oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 My boyfriend and I were laying in bed, post sex, being flirty/silly and taking pictures of each other. He then gets kinda weird and says "just so you know I taped us having sex like a month ago" I start laughing because I think he's joking. But he was serious. He saw how angry I was and deleted it in front of me. It was on his phone. He taped us having sex behind my back! I want to cry. I trusted him so much before this. I go downstairs and I'm just sitting here. Trying to gather my thoughts and think if this is something I can forgive him for or not. I feel like I was virtually raped. He texted me this is our convo Him(1/3) I'm sorry I did what I did and i didn't mean for it to upset you so much and I understand how much I hurt you by doing it. I'm sorry I did something like (2/3) that in secret and didn't tell you. I love you and would never do something to hurt you especially not something involving our sex life. I'm so sorry baby (3/3) . Me - The fact that were texting this is Weird. But it's the fact that I was trusting you and having sex with you and you went behind my back and did that. You knew full well what you were doing. I don't even know how I didn't realize you were taping it, like was I drunk? If so that makes it even worse. I just feel kinda violated tbh. Idk. Him (1/5) You weren't drunk when it happened I just made a stupid mistake of being a ing dueche and doing something that I thought was just a little funny thing (3/5) s just being a ing guy and doing something stupid. Sex isn't a joke and it's not something to take lightly which is why when I did I remembered I had (4/5) it on there I figured it was better to tell you so you knew that I didn't do anything with it. I feel horrible about what I've done and I can't change it. (5/5) (2/5) to do. Clearly it was not funny and that's why I feel so ing terrible about what I did. It's a ing special connection between you and me and I wa Him -I don't want you to feel violated but I can't say that I blame you for feeling so. I just wanted a little funny moment. Not a relationship changing accident... Me - It's not funny tho. That s illegal to do in some states without permission from people. The messed up part is I might've been cool with it. It's the behind my back secretly doing it that grosses me out. And then "forgetting" about it for a month. Him (1/4) Again that's why I told you about it instead of just getting rid of it. Sure I could have but I wouldn't have been happy with myself knowing I still did i (2/4) t and never told you. It wasn't an entire month ago it was close to 3 weeks and I understand the illegality of it all. I'm not going to try and sit here a (3/4) nd justify anything about what I did because in the end it was all ed up on my behalf and it was rude and ignorant and stupid. It was just me not bein (4/4) g as good a person as I thought I was honestly. It's just plain terrible... and I'm sorry... Me - Idk I'm just confused on how I feel about it all. (2/2) t this slide. and I put a huge dent in us... (1/2) You're hurt and mad and disgusted and you don't know if you can trust me anymore... I get it. And I don't blame you. I ed up waaaaay to big to just le Him - Would you like me to sleep on the couch or go home or something...? Me- Idk J do what you want to do I just need a few minutes by myself. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Hopefully he didn't share it with all of his friends. Apparently many people do this (share their secret videos). Maybe time to rethink your relationship? Link to comment
LC8328 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well of course you should be totally pissed. There's a possibility he's sincere in his apologies. He's admitting fault and not blaming it on anyone else, so that's a start. The question is, does he mean this or does he know what you want to hear? How is the rest of your relationship? Has he done anything else to ever violate your trust? Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Hopefully he didn't share it with all of his friends. Apparently many people do this (share their secret videos). Maybe time to rethink your relationship? It might be I don't think he shared it with his friends. I think it was just a really stupid a** mistake in judgement on his part but I'm not sure if I can move past it. He's still texting me as I'm down here and he's extremely upset with himself. But I'm not sure if that's enough. I feel so confused Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well of course you should be totally pissed. There's a possibility he's sincere in his apologies. He's admitting fault and not blaming it on anyone else, so that's a start. The question is, does he mean this or does he know what you want to hear? How is the rest of your relationship? Has he done anything else to ever violate your trust? Yeah he's still texting me telling me how much of a horrible mistake it was and how he should've asked me first/not done it/ ect but idk. The rest of our relationship has been totally fine. This is the first time he's ever violated my trust. It's thrown me for a serious loop and I'm really torn up right now Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Him (1/2) I'm so sorry bah... you know I would never want to hurt you and never hurt you like this... you know I love you and I'd do anything for you and I'm sorr (2/2) y... I really don't want to lose you! I can't lose you... Me - I understand you're sorry and all that I'm just like idk. I feel very confused. I couldn't picture you doing that. It just grosses me out. I feel sick to my stomach over it... I think I might sleep down here and think. Him (1/3) I just... I don't know what to do with myself .... I feel so horrible as a person because I never would do something to hurt you let alone something as ho (2/3) rrible as this... it makes me feel so horrible about myself as a person... I'm sorry I made it come to this... All I ask is that you don't stop loving me (3/3) and you know that I love you and I want you and need you... I love you more than I've ever loved and I'll never forgive myself... Me - I love you too. Him - Just please.... know and trust that I didn't do it hurt you... I love you... Link to comment
LC8328 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 OK, take just as much time as you need before deciding anything or even talking to him. It sounds like he's willing to give you that time, which is a good start. For what it's worth, I think it's possible he's making a conscious effort to fix this. If this really is an isolated incident, then maybe it's possible he heard about friends (or on the internet or whatever) taping their sexual activity and he wanted to see what it was like. As opposed to doing it just to be a perverted jerk. Give it a little time and try to get your mind off it for a bit (I know, easier said than done). And when you're feeling a little less emotional and shocked, hopefully you'll know if you want to remain in this relationship or not. Good luck. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm debating on whether I should take him home tonight or not. He's upstairs and I'm down here and it's awkward. I wish this never happened. I am going to think about it all before making any rash decisions tho. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 You need time away from him. Sorry you have to go through this. I don't blame you for being so hurt. Good luck Link to comment
gxzone Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 From my perspective, I think I can see some guys doing this not realizing how serious it is, especially if you're young, but even if you're not. Sometimes we just don't realize how bad something is, or do it anyway not realizing how much pain it will cause. Use your gut feeling on how much you like this guy. If you like him a lot, let him suffer a bit...make sure it sinks in deeply so he doesn't do anything to risk losing you again. Have a good balance...don't go for months and months, but certainly a few days, maybe even a couple weeks. If he really cares about you he will feel absolutely miserable at the possible thought of losing you, but I have to admit, he DID tell you rather than just delete it and pretend nothing happened. Sounds like the guy is like me in the honesty department. We would tell you even if we thought it would hurt you, if we thought it was something you had a right to know about. In a way, you can trust him when you ask him a question about another girl, or how he feels towards you. I tell the truth in any situation, even if it means I dreamed about my ex or that I miss her. I hope my future girl can appreciate and find comfort in me always telling the truth no matter what, and maybe this guy is a lot like me? I don't know, but he seems a lot better than a lot of other guys. Who knows what a dishonest guys isn't telling you?! This guy did! Punish him for a while, then forgive him, if you feel like you can. Just my thoughts, no guarantees he is really like me. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. So awful. I would also feel violated. I mean, I just don't understand what his intent was, other than to degrade you. He knew it was wrong, but thought it was "funny"? I mean you are naked and totally vulnerable to to him, having sex, and he knows the whole time he's recording it? It's just sick. I would also be very concerned that he showed it to his buddies, or uploaded it somewhere. During the sex was he purposely positioning things and doing things and encouraging you to do things that would make the recording ever "funnier"? UGH. So sorry. It would just make me question everything about his character, how he views women and sex and everything. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I love him. More than I've loved any boyfriend. Your reply was actually very helpful. Thank you Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Wow, I'm so sorry this happened to you. So awful. I would also feel violated. I mean, I just don't understand what his intent was, other than to degrade you. He knew it was wrong, but thought it was "funny"? I mean you are naked and totally vulnerable to to him, having sex, and he knows the whole time he's recording it? It's just sick. I would also be very concerned that he showed it to his buddies, or uploaded it somewhere. During the sex was he purposely positioning things and doing things and encouraging you to do things that would make the recording ever "funnier"? UGH. So sorry. It would just make me question everything about his character, how he views women and sex and everything. It is making me rethink everything he's been such a good guy up to all of this. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Taking him home now. Will give update when I'm not driving. Link to comment
lerenard Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 So sorry, Bah! Hope you solve this! He sounds very sorry and like he genuinely though it was just a fun thing to do. Still I would be pissed as hell if I found out something like this!! He told you, maybe a month later, but he did, and he said it without knowing it would hurt you, he approached it while you were cuddling and probably expected you to support his "joke" and laugh with him. So maybe he really never thought he was doing something bad or illegal... But I guess he realized he was when he saw your reaction and it got him. He should work his ass off now to gain your trust back! Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 So sorry, Bah! Hope you solve this! He sounds very sorry and like he genuinely though it was just a fun thing to do. Still I would be pissed as hell if I found out something like this!! He told you, maybe a month later, but he did, and he said it without knowing it would hurt you, he approached it while you were cuddling and probably expected you to support his "joke" and laugh with him. So maybe he really never thought he was doing something bad or illegal... But I guess he realized he was when he saw your reaction and it got him. He should work his ass off now to gain your trust back! I agree. I'm so upset over it. When I took him home he was apologizing. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 What would you guys do if you were in my shoes honestly - a seemingly great guy, never fought in over 8 months together, then you found this out? Link to comment
lerenard Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 When you talked about it - did he gave you any reasons why he did it apart from it being "fun" or whatever? Too see it with you afterwards? Too have it as a memory or use it to turn him on when he is alone? If this is your only concern, and he seems really really sorry... I would say try to forgive him. He should do something to help you to get over it faster, though. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 When you talked about it - did he gave you any reasons why he did it apart from it being "fun" or whatever? Too see it with you afterwards? Too have it as a memory or use it to turn him on when he is alone? If this is your only concern, and he seems really really sorry... I would say try to forgive him. He should do something to help you to get over it faster, though. He said he was going to show me it after sex and then got embarrassed, or something. Link to comment
lerenard Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Embarrassed of what, exactly? That he did it? Or embarrassed to see himself having sex from the side or something? Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Embarrassed of what, exactly? That he did it? Or embarrassed to see himself having sex from the side or something? That he did it without asking my permission. I guess ashamed would be a better word. Link to comment
lerenard Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 So he understood immediately after he did it that it was wrong, still he told you only a month later (because he forgot about it totally) and was surprised you were so hurt, because he thought it was a fun thing to do? Something doesn't add up. Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well I've been talking to him. The video was short, like 40 seconds. He said he did it and was going to show me after sex and see if it'd be a way to ease us into maybe making a sex tape type thing together - he said he got really nervous after sex so he didn't bring it up and he's sorry he dragged it out this long. Link to comment
lerenard Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well, still I have to ask - why he wants to have a sex tape type thing? Just because? Link to comment
oitnb Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Well, still I have to ask - why he wants to have a sex tape type thing? Just because? I had actually mentioned it once or twice. Totally in a non-committal flirty way tho. Never did I say id be cool with it, especially without my consent first. We have been very sexually explorative so I think he just wanted to try it for the novelty of it all. Link to comment
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