Help... What could be his motive?

[Kattie]

Over the past 3 years I have received a few friendly posts from a man I was engaged to for about 2 years, 32 years ago. I ignored them until a week ago when I finally decided to ask my ex-fiancé why he was contacting me. Our break up was bad for me in that he lied, cheated and eventually disappeared all together. I eventually gave up on him and moved on with my life, but it was extremely hard on me at the time. After the break up, I never attempted to contact him and eventually gave him no thought at all.

 

What I know of him since our breakup: He became a booming success - top expert in his field -- authored many books, has/had tenure at many universities. He eventually married a very attractive, smart lady (one of his students), and they coauthor books together. They have a teenaged son who attends the same prep-school in England as Prince William went to. They have loads of money and prestige. This guy is no dummy or loser, nor is he unfulfilled his life.

 

In his email reply to my question as to why he was contacting me, he said he was confused and that his only engagement was to his wife. He asked me if someone was spreading rumours about him. This absolutely floored me. Denying our engagement was like telling a Jew that the holocaust never happened. I immediately emailed some old friends who knew me then and they were equally baffled and angry. I wore his diamond engagement ring for almost 2 years! How could he not remember such an important era of his life? Am I that inconsequential or is he that nasty a human being that he is still enjoying toying with my emotions?

 

Anyone who has a theory, I'm listening.

[Edmund Exley]

Repressed guilt?

[Clio]

A successful guy with no integrity, an liar and a cheater, is still a loser in my books. Thus, the fact that this guy is successful in his profession does not mean that he is not a loser or that he is not unfulfilled. In fact, his behavior suggests that he may actually be these things, or he wouldn't be treating you like this. Anyway my theory is this:

 

It could be that he is afraid of his wife finding out of his past OR his wife saw your email to him and gave him a hard time about him contacting you. Past behavior is indication of future behavior. He lied and cheated in the past. It is very plausible that he has done this to his wife and by contacting him you have landed right in their domestic troubles.

 

Your best bet is to cut off all contact again and stop digging into this. His behavior indicates that this guy is still a liar and a cheater, hence there is no point in trying to figure out his behavior. He is probably trying to cover his tracks. That's all. As to why he contacted you in the first place, he may have been unfulfilled in his marriage, or trying to quiet his conscience by attempting to seek validation from one of his 'victims'. None of the reasons can benefit you. Classify him as the loser that he still is when it comes to integrity and move on.

[Kattie]

...or trying to quiet his conscience by attempting to seek validation from one of his 'victims'.

 

This sounds interesting to me. I am married and living on a different continent so he couldn't be thinking of an affair?? Yes. Who knows? It just really upset me to have him deny we ever happened.

 

If my aunt hadn't killed herself at the time of this breakup, I would have and was planning to. I just could not have my grandmother suffer over both of us, so I changed my mind. This is a lesson to anyone who takes any relationship too seriously!

[Edmund Exley]

This sounds interesting to me. I am married and living on a different continent so he couldn't be thinking of an affair?? Yes. Who knows? It just really upset me to have him deny we ever happened.

 

If my aunt hadn't killed herself at the time of this breakup, I would have and was planning to. I just could not have my grandmother suffer over both of us, so I changed my mind. This is a lesson to anyone who takes any relationship too seriously!

 

No a lesson is to have your own sense of self worth and esteem. Do you think he would have killed himself over you?

 

Anyone who doesn't take a relationship seriously shouldn't be in a relationship.

[sadchick83]

Maybe he is crazy and still wants to contour you

[Twidom]

In my book, if you cheat once, no matter who you are and what you do (You could be Bill Gates for all I care), you're a F**n excuse for a human being. People always have a choice. You have a choice to communicate. To tell your partner that you are not happy. To tell your partner that you are interessed in another person. Yet they just stab you in the back and act like nothing ever happened.

 

My advice? Ignore. I know it hurts, but you don't need/want more drama. He cheated once, he will cheat again.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, maybe it's guilt but probably not. He sounds like a dreadful human being frankly who makes a good living out of shilling people into believing he's an expert of some sort. Now down to the brass tacks. My guess is he's bored with his marriage and is on a "fishing expedition" looking back through his past to see if he still enough influence with any of the women in his life to see if he can lure them into a little FWB on the side arrangement. And he has the money to come and see you or fly you to wherever he is, in fact you'd be perfect in his eyes if that is indeed what he's looking for since you don't live close enough to cause trouble or be seen by the people who know him and his current wife. His thought process is probably, "Kattie, was always so crazy about me and heartbroken when I left, I bet she won't be able to resist me."

 

Seriously, block and delete him and stop feeding his ego and sense of entitlement/I'm so wonderful even people I screw over will let me come back to do it again mentality. You already know what he's like and he's now going around nosing after other women when he's married. Chances are you aren't the only one he's doing that to and there's a list of you he's going down. And I'm afraid I would have sent back a pithy reply to his email asking about rumors with something like, "Oh, you mean the fact I know you're a lying cheating snake in the grass? No those aren't rumors when they're true. Good luck with that." Then delete and block him.

 

Just be grateful you aren't married to him now while he's going through his roster of past relationships trying to find someone to cheat on you with. He sounds truly mental or deliberately trying to deny what happened in the hopes you will too. Oh wait, that's mental as well.

[Kattie]

Yes. I guess leopards don't change their spots, even after 32 years! I cut communication off after I asked him why he was writing to me. Even if he had been more sincere I wasn't looking to rekindle a friendship. Good riddance!

[abitbroken]

He has told his wife he had never been engaged and she was his first and for some reason is finding it necessary to cover his tracks because she got wind that he had been engaged before from one of his relatives and wanted to make sure that you were not going to blab and corroborate. That is my only thought because if his thought was to start an affair with you, he would say that he was separated or on the rocks, etc. What a jerk he is. I am glad you blocked him. really, let him wonder if you'd tell. Maybe his wife found a photo and wonders who you are Who knows. Who cares. but at least you are not contacted again. I mean - what a stupid lie.

[Kattie]

What a cruel lie. How can you erase a 2 year engagement from your own mind and expect your ex to feel like she imagined it?

In my vanity, I expected him to want to apologize for the past, not rewrite it

[Feast]

I agree with abit, he's covering has "back story". I hope I don't offend anyone, but I've met people that are "tenured university"/multiple book writer type. They're obsessed with their reputation and dont mind making up their background to fit what they want to project.