Between Persistence and Chasing

[Raoul]

We'd been an 'item' for almost two years. I broke up with her two years back after a series of broken dates over several months. It wasn't that I didn't love her. It was that our time together was important to me and the frequent letdowns left me upset. I have dated on and off since then but nothing serious for me.

 

We are both older - me early 60s, her late 50s. And with complicated lives - kids, (her) grand kids, jobs etc. I did tell her after the second round of broken dates that I wasn't sure I could handle it. Yet there was a third round and I just 'went dark' for about six months.

 

I have initiated conversations with her every couple of months. And we get to a weird place. We will agree to meet. And then usually she just doesn't follow through to agree on a place/time to get together. We talk, seem to get along.

 

Perhaps she isn't straightforward enough to tell me she won't actually meet. Her hurt, maybe angry? Most likely. But we do talk and just seem not to end up face-to-face.

 

At what point does persistence (I really would like to see her) become me just chasing? I've always been a persistent man. But I am not and do not want to come off as needy here. I do think we were good and with some effort could have a new relationship.

 

She will make me work for it and that's fine. I did break it off after all.

 

Many of you may say 'just move on'. But before you say that, I'd like advice on how to proceed and actually get face-to-face with her.

 

Your thoughts and suggestions?

[lady00]

Sounds like she repeatedly did not show up for dates while you were together and now does not want to meet. Is that right? If so, she is giving you a clear message that she does not want to be with you.

[RedDress]

I know you don't want to hear "just move on"... but if I can just put things into perspective for a moment...

 

You broke up with her because she was flakey and cancelling on dates. This hurt you very much and you probably felt like you weren't a priority in her life. Now you are wanting to get back together with her and the problem is that she is flakey and not really following through on setting up a date.

 

I mean... do you feel anything has changed? What makes you think things will be different the second time around?

 

I guess you can talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. But my real advise is that which you don't want to hear...

[DancingFool]

People make time for what interests them. When you were dating, she wasn't into you enough to really make time for you and let you down often. Then you broke up - that was the right thing to do. Now you are trying to chase her again while being blatantly rejected...again...just even more so than before. This isn't about being persistent, this is about the fact that you need to understand that she is not into you and never really was. Time to move on.

[Raoul]

Lady00,

 

Maybe her 'signals' are less ambiguous than I'd like to think. But it does seem that she is receptive on the idea and not getting to an actual meeting.

 

I do agree with 'dancing fool' that we make time for what interests us.

 

I just think that persistence can be under-rated sometimes. But I am not interested in being a jerk.

[lady00]

Lady00,

 

Maybe her 'signals' are less ambiguous than I'd like to think. But it does seem that she is receptive on the idea and not getting to an actual meeting.

 

I do agree with 'dancing fool' that we make time for what interests us.

 

I just think that persistence can be under-rated sometimes. But I am not interested in being a jerk.

 

I think persistence is underrated in the correct circumstances. For instance, my bf had to be persistent before I realized he was into me. I am really really bad at figuring out that someone is into me. He was asking me to meet for drinks and dinner and other signs that looking back were so clear I am just so out of practice with dating that did not figure it out at all. But I think things change once you have ended things and once you have seen how someone behaves in a relationship over the course of time. If she is consistently dropping the ball on meeting you that is a message that she is not ready to make you a priority. If she does not have a good excuse then you rightly left her over this. Her behavior is not consistent with being in a relationship. She has to show up. You can't be the only one putting in all the effort. That hurts you and builds resentment toward her. That will cause the friendship and potential relationship to disintegrate. Right now, it's over and you are having second thoughts but if you look at the facts, you made the right choice. Doesn't mean you won't miss her though and that part is hard.

[ParisPaulette]

Dude, she's just not that into you, but likes the attention and the fact you keep chasing her. That doesn't mean she wants anything with you. If it hasn't been fixed after all this time and it was like this nearly from the get-go then it won't ever change. And might I add at your ages, you both should know better. I see this with young kids who aren't that experienced, but come on you're both adults who should have enough life experience to know that "won't ever see you in person/keep dates/stands you up all the time" equals "not interested."

 

There's a point and time when persistence either becomes near stalker behavior or borderline refusal to pronounce something DOA. I think you're there once you've blown past the second time of being stood up.

[Raoul]

Well, it the brunch went uh okay. I did go with no expectations. It was a lovely place and our conversation went well. Things flowed, not quite superficial but not just platitudes. I think that we both had a good time.

 

She did mention the 'guy she was dating' three times. But then mentioned that she's on her own a lot. So mixed signals. And that's fine. Improbable that she would not be seeing someone. So add that challenge which I am up for. So, no pining here.

 

She is quite a woman. But I am quite a man. And so the dance begins.

 

She's off on a business jaunt for a week or so and that's good.

 

As a parting shot, I asked if I could see her when she gets back which she seemed more than happy to agree with. I told her that there was something I wanted to show her. It's a sculpture exhibit that I've been waiting to open and we did share that interest. I' guessing we could have a good time together with that.

 

For both of us, there was the quizzical, predictable awkwardness as I delivered her to her car. I just put her in her car, shut her door and said 'see you soon'.

 

In the main, about what I expected. And I handled it well. Expectations? Too soon to tell. But it was good to catch up and I did end the meeting which surprised her. Things to do, a flight to catch.

 

If the women here are up for it, I'd love a woman's perspective. Except you Paris. I deal with enough bitter cynics in my work life.

 

I can see her and I together. Whether she can may remain a mystery for some time.

[Lorem Ipsum]

IMO, there are more women out there than just this one. If I was out on a date with someone I was interested in, I wouldn't mention that I was seeing someone else... three times. If I was out for brunch with a friend, I would but I doubt I'd have to bring it up three times to get the point accross. I honestly don't think she's that into you. She may enjoy the attention you give her but I don't think she's going to run home, call up the guy she's been seeing and dump him now that you've come back. But, you want what you want and you're not ready to give up yet so by all means call her when she gets back and ask her to the exhibit or dinner or whatever... but if she turns you down or stands you up, make that the last time she ever does that and move on.

[Raoul]

Thanks 'Lorem". I do go out. Finding people to go out with is not an issue. Finding someone you want too spend time with is a different issue.

 

All you say may be true. She may be moved on. That was the dance I referred to. The last thing I'd expect is for her to dump a guy she's been seeing for some time. Especially one without the history we have together. "I'm back" is some time from now if it happens ever.

 

I'm a grownup. Disappointment often enough comes with the territory. I think I'm alert enough to tell if she's just playing alone. But in case I'm not, I come here for perspective.

 

Thanks for yours.