Lots of mistakes after break

[soosad]

Hi i am so glad i found these forum's. It helps me cope. Heres my story, I'm wondering what you all think. Sorry for the long post .

 

 

Summary:

A) I was in a 14 yr relationship in which we were engaged for the last 6 months and living with each other for 9 years.

 

B) I was perfectly happy b4 we got engaged but she wanted it so badly she would tell me "whats wrong with me that you dont propose to me".

 

 

C) It went all downhill after we got engaged. 4 months after we got engaged she tells me she is not happy in our relationship and she has worries about if we should get married.

Her reasons:

 

1 She had so much animosity towards me for the way i treated her in our earlier years in the relationship .

2 She felt the relationship wasn't fair (she did most of the household chores)

3 She felt no longer atracted to me.(i was so shocked)

 

D) I told her that i wanted to try and work things out and she agreed to try.

 

E) We tried for 2 months. The entire 2 months we tried it seemed like she already had her mind made up to leave me. Even though 2 weeks before she left me she and I were Baptismal sponsors for my cousins baby. We flew out of town for that.She was even talikng to my family about our wedding. (we had the place booked and the bridal party was notified)

 

F) No matter how great we got along she kept telling me that it was too late she has already moved on and it was too late. She also said she wishes we could have worked at it earlier.

 

G) She left me. It was ugly she was soo cold. She said she no longer loved me in that way and she had no desire to try and work things out. I was all pitiful crying, begging, pleading, asking why she is giving up on us.

 

H) When she fleft she was also crying saying she couldnt picture me not being in her life. She wanted usto be great friends. I told her i would not be able to look at her as a friend and that i couldn't.

 

I) 2 weeks later she tells me she wants to try and go out on a date to see if she felt differently. we go out and we have a wonderful evening. We were both emotional and she slept over. The next day she tells me that she did't feeel differently and that we cant be together in a relationship. Only as friends.

 

J) I would have settled for anything from her. For 1 1/2 months I tried being friends although we only saw each other 3 times.I thought if i didn't try and be her friend she and i would just forget about eachother. I was afraid. We sent each other emails and talked aboout once a week. I would get so happy when i was contacted by her. I kept telling her how great our relationship would be and that I'm glad that she left because i see her in a differnt light. I also wrote here a letter. All in all i was a basket case hoping she would come back

 

K) She sent me an email telling me that she contacted my family and told them we needed this time apart and that who knows maybe we might get back together.

In another email she said She pictures me and her being together in a totally new and differnet relationship and she nows sees me in a different light. She said that i am the only person thats she truly trusts and loves me and realizes how great our relationship would be if she came back. She also said that was thinking about holding off on looking for an apt because we may get back together.(that blew my mind i was soo happy)

 

L) 2 weeks later i send her an email asking how she was doing and she replies telling me that she cant picture us being together anymore and that she is apartment hunting agion she says she feels like running back to me but it would be for the wrong reasons. I was devastated. I felt like i did that first day she left. She can't understand why i am in so much pain and crying so much.

 

M) We were supposed to go out as friends this weekend but i was losing my sanity so i called her up and told her that I couldn't do it. She wanted to only see me on the weekdays after work or on the weekends only if i would come to her because she wants to save money for her apt( she moved with her mom 1 hour away) I told her it wouldn't be fair friendship I Awould be giving 110%( because i wanted her back) and she would always have 1 up on me knowing that. I told her i would throw away all out pictures of us 14 years worth and she said she wanted them. I'm going to send them to her. I can't have them i keep looking and reminiscing. She was crying at the end of the conversation as i was saying goodbye and she told me that she loves me and that if i ever feel like calling her to do so and that she wishes me to do very well. I told her i wouldn't be calling her but if she ever need anything i'm here for her.

 

N) I am only at 2 days of NC LOL and i miss her so much i will be looking for therapy i am so depressed we have been with each other since i was 18. I was her first love. We have both watched each other grow. She got what she wanted, she got her ring. I changed my lifestyle for her and lost friends. She was my priority, there wasnt much more i could do. She said she wishes she felt differently but she doesn't.

 

 

Am i doing the right thing with NC atm. My heart tells me that without me keeping in contact with her i will lose her forever. I want to get better but i also want her back.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Let her go. She is not going to come back again.

 

Love is understanding u need time alone to heal. Friendship is to understand sharing her joy with u. U are in between of the lines, pal, what can u do if u were her?

 

Take care. No contact would be the best choice.

[GreatGuy]

When I arrived on this site Someone sent me this Link: It really helped me alot and I know it will Help you as well. You're not alone on this site... Come back as often to get some support ...we're all here for you. Read this over and over and over. It is amazing and your story is similar to many of us here. Just remember that we're dealing with the same thing but at different stages...so give you some time and it will all be ok!

[cakes]

Heya..

 

14 years is a long time to let go in just a day. Be strong for now. It's going to sting a little along the way. I'm going through a similar situation as you are now except that it was only 3 years and not 14. I am so amazed by how long you two stuck with eachother.

 

NC is so so so hard. Because you've just been so used to being 'with' your ex-girlfriend. I know it even hurts to see the word ex-gf. You might even feel like you're in denial like it's not happening. I feel like that right now. Except my ex-boyfriend wrote me a real long letter asking for me back that he'st rying to change, etc. I don't even know what to think.

 

But as of now. For you, I feel like I need to know a bit more about your relationship. I don't understand why she is being so short and cold towards you even on the rare dates you've had with her. One minute having a great time again together and the next minute she says nope its not going to work.

 

The best advice I can give you right now is that you NEED TO BE STRONG. You need to give her the time to realize what she's been missing. Instead of you always missing her. She needs to finally realize what she'll be missing too. Don't cave in. Because she's probably expecting you to call her or contact her.

 

I hope the best for you. I really really do. I know how much it hurts..

 

You can pm me anytime kay?

[soosad]

But as of now. For you, I feel like I need to know a bit more about your relationship. I don't understand why she is being so short and cold towards you even on the rare dates you've had with her. One minute having a great time again together and the next minute she says nope its not going to work.

 

Yeah that is what is making this so much harder for me.

 

She has been doing stuff like that a lot since she first told me about her doubts about us.

 

I kid you not, 2 weeks after we were with my family for the baptism and she was telling my family all about our wedding plans she left me.

I told her why would you tell my family those things and she said she felt it at the time. That is always her answer.

 

When we were trying to work things out i sent her a love letter. After she read it she tells me how much she loves me and that we aren't going to cancel the wedding hall we booked and that she loves me so much and will put everything into making this work. She even thought she needed counseling. She never did get counseling. Then a week later she tells me that that is just what she felt at that moment.Now she wont even consider counseling.

 

The most messed up thing she has told me is that she had doubts about us before we got engaged eventhough she was pressuring me to get her a ring. I told her it would have been nice to know about your doubts i wouldnt have bought a ring, booked a place, and told my family and the bridal party. Her excuse was that she thought marriage was what was missing and that would make everything better.

 

It seems to me like she must be really confused. Maybe she met somebody else or someone is advising her not to be with me. I have no clue.

 

She tells me that when she thinks of us getting back together it is usually when she is feeling lonely, sad, and depressed. She says she truly feels that way at the time but thinks she is wanting to come back for the wrong reasons. She says it woudn't be fair for herself or me.

 

She decorated my whole place she picked the furniture,colors, appliances, pictures , tiles, everything. I can't throw away all that stuff ill have an unfurnished apt. She even told my aunt that she know it must be tough living with all those things. She said when we were atempting being friends that she didn't want to come to my apt because she didn't want to see any of our neigbors. She would feel uncomfortable. I was like omg.

 

She also says there is no other guy and nobody is advising her not to be with me.

 

I just deleted all her passcards and favorites off my comp and i saw she has our wedding website up and i clicked it (duh)

 

Oh and for the record she is in the counseling field if that makes any difference. I have had a few people tell me that people in that field have a very different way of thinking.

 

 

Thanks for the advice and support. I really appreciate it.

[sdw]

I feel so sorry for you, this lady has treated you appallingly. Hard as it is for you I think you need to cut contact for a while at least. I know how hard this is when you are losing your best friend and the only person who you think can help you through your pain. The thing is, she can't help you as she is causing it (well her and you, remember too that we are responsible for our feelings). I know that you want to stay in contact so that you wont lose her forever, but there's nothing you can do to convince her that she should be with you, and hoping that when you see her she will realise what she's lost is unlikely while you are in this state. I wish I had more practical advice but all I can suggest is 1) Stop making contact, give her a chance to miss you and 2) If you do see her, you act like you are taking this like a man and you are strong and proud and hope she is doing well and is happy. Part 2 is the hardest, and it would take a truly great man to actually feel like that after what she has done, but in the brief time you see her, this is how to pretend to be IMO.

 

Hope it helps, I feel for you...

Steve.

[auburnslp]

This is really tough...and it will most definitely take time to get through-this place is a good place to be right now-this forum...it helped me when I thought my life was over and I wanted to die...nothing helps completely though-you will find solace and love and care here, but when you shut down the computer and try to sleep, the pain remains...and brother, I am very sorry to say, only time will take care of that.

But those fleeting moments of respite? Like the ones you feel while on here and finding others who hurt too and some who can offer good advice? Take them and use them as much as possible. Talk to your family and friends, the ones who truly care-let them in...you might be surprised how many people love you even more than you thought. Date as soon as you are able. Know that at the beginning it will be unbelievably ungratifying and may make you temporarily long for your ex even more, but you will be setting up a pattern, a new life, and eventually it will feel right and be fun again. Exercise...get out there and run or blade or bike-weights are good, but for me I have found that the solitary aerobic exercise is a perfect time to gather my thoughts and then feel better about life in general, and myself in particular. Be careful with bad habits. I made the mistake of falling prey in my depression for about 3 months after my break-up-drank A LOT. Bad idea...makes everything worse, trust me, and can wreck other aspects of your life as well-I was lucky and emerged unscathed...but I was lucky. There's more...I am going to post a general "my experience" post along with my mistakes and successes tonight on this forum. If you are interested feel free to read it, I hope some of it will be of help.

Brother, for now I can say that you need to be as strong as you can with no contact, and do so without thinking that doing so as a means to get her back...do so for you. Ignore her calls, emails, letters, whatever. If she ends up changing her mind then you are the one with the upper hand. If she doesn't, well it just somehow wasn't meant to be, despite all your beliefs. At the risk of being too strong with my opinions, it sounds like she is jerking you around a little bit. Or a lot. Nobody is worth that, trust me. For every girl that treats us like that when we love them with all of our hearts, there will be a thousand more that will love and adore and cherish us for our hearts, and what we are able to give.

Be strong and stand tall. And remember this...believe it or not, despite what your heart and mind are telling you now, time WILL take care of everything...it's up to you how long that has to be. Up to the decisions you make, whether you allow her to drag you along indefinitely and keep you in her back pocket or not. Up to the strategies you employ to heal-healthy or unhealthy-your choice, but the time it takes to heal is dependant on that choice.

Listen...I am very sorry...I know how you feel. Trust me. Do your best to have a happy holiday season...Michael

[Scottrn]

Really nice post Michael. Bless you also this season, lets all plan on a truly happy new year.

Remember, you are special. Believe it. You don't need someone else to tell you that. Know it for yourself.

[soosad]

Thanks for all the input it really helps me alot.

 

I have been working out religiously but still debating on whether to seek therapy. I have also joined a mixed martial arts class. Whenever she comes to mind i quickly try and think of other things. I have no desire to date atm and I'm debating going to a New Years party with my friends(most are married i think im the only one single). I am not looking forward to watching all the couples hug ad kiss at the new year. It's gonna be tough. She has been at every one for over a decade. It's really weird all my friends make it seem like its not such a big deal. They think we will be back. I don't get it

 

Thanks again. I hope you all have a safe and a healthy holiday.