soosad

This is just my opinion: From my personal experience. I've noticed that when i wronged women by cheating and putting my needs first in my younger years I didnt really see things as black and white. I was very self absorbed and didn't care much about my partners needs. When we would have an argument i would often think i'm not gonna waste my time arguing and just walk away and do something else. During that time i was a woman magnet. As i matured i thought i saw things more clearly sort of like black and white. I often thought how my actions would make my partner feel. Even when we would argue i would try and see things from her perspective. I would also try my best to resolve any issues. Basically I would consider her happiness as often as i would think about mine. Well from what I've experienced the more you consider your partners needs the more you tend to lose your identity. That is why "nice guys" often finish last. A nice guy is looking for "the perfect relationship" which doesnt exist. A woman doesn't want a man who is that considerate. They want a man to be pissed off about dumb stuff sometimes. Nice guys usually get many women but as the relationship progresses it won't be as up and down and exciting as being with "the bad guys". That is in my opinion why they seem to lose. Basically just be honest, loving, and loyal while still being true to yourself. The trick is keeping a balance of when to be selfless and selfish. As long as you keep it so you don't lose your identity you'll win. Just my 2 cents.

My prayers are with them and all of their families. It's so sad.

Hi all. I broke NC. I called the ex-fiance on christmas after finding out she was seeing somebody (only 2 months after break and could have even been while we were together didnt't tell her i know though). I know, what a stupid thing to do. I just felt like i had to do something. I just said I hope you have a merry christmas and that her nephew had phoned me on christmas eve, call me if ya want. She called me back the next day telling me that she wasn't planning on even returning my call. She said she did only to tell me that that she is done feeling guilty and that she should have left me a long time ago. She said she is tired of my family and friends making her feel guilty (She called my father and my aunt weeks ago 1 time and all she said was that we needed this time apart and if we were to work out it would be only with our time apart. The only thing they did was offer to be there if she needed them and say they love her). She had no other contact with my family or friends since. I only told her in the past that many people have said that she has found someone else to walk out on our relationship like that. She was very cold and angry. I told her that in most peoples eyes we had a great relationship and if i was the one who walked out it would be because i have met another or wanted to meet another. I pointed out that when she spoke to me after she had those converstaions she didn't feel that way and she acknowledged that my family understood and was being supportive. She then said well maybe you aunt understood. It is a total 360 degree turn from our last conversation 8 days ago. She kept stressing like 4 times that shes done feeling guilty and that she hates that people think she is with someone else ( i didn't tell her that i know she was seeing someone, i just listened). She said why cant they think that maybe we just had problems and it didn't work out. I told her she should have no guilt or regrets and that i have no regrets. We will both be able to handle our next relationship incredibly because of this. I will always cherish the times we shared. I then asked about her family. I told her that i want her to wake up with a smile everyday of her life and that i want her to be happy. She said i want good things for you too. We then made small talk. I then told her that i enjoyed touching base with her and that if it was okay i would do the same in 2 weeks to a month. She then said as of now she didnt want to touch base with me but to call her in a month and maybe she may feel differently, maybe not. I actually feel better i had always told her that it would be easier for me to accept if i knew she had someone else or wanted someone else, but she would always say she has no desire to be with anyone and doesnt have someone else. Strange how even though it is upsetting to know she is with someone that it makes me understand more. What i have gotten from this is that most likely she did leave me for another person and the guilt has been so great inside of her she had to take it out on me blaming me and my family for it. She is trying to justify what she has done to me. It makes it easier for her to get angry and not deal with me then to deal with me and feel guilty. I could be wrong though. All i did was tell her not to feel guilty have no regrets and wish her happiness through all that. Now that i think of it i don't regret it. I dont know if i will call her in a month. I posted my story earlier here: link removed Did i do wrong? Any input would be greatly appeciated. soosad edited: I forgot to add that during our conversation she said that our issues were not all my fault she was also at fault. I still wish we were back together.

Thanks for all the input it really helps me alot. I have been working out religiously but still debating on whether to seek therapy. I have also joined a mixed martial arts class. Whenever she comes to mind i quickly try and think of other things. I have no desire to date atm and I'm debating going to a New Years party with my friends(most are married i think im the only one single). I am not looking forward to watching all the couples hug ad kiss at the new year. It's gonna be tough. She has been at every one for over a decade. It's really weird all my friends make it seem like its not such a big deal. They think we will be back. I don't get it Thanks again. I hope you all have a safe and a healthy holiday.

Yeah that is what is making this so much harder for me. She has been doing stuff like that a lot since she first told me about her doubts about us. I kid you not, 2 weeks after we were with my family for the baptism and she was telling my family all about our wedding plans she left me. I told her why would you tell my family those things and she said she felt it at the time. That is always her answer. When we were trying to work things out i sent her a love letter. After she read it she tells me how much she loves me and that we aren't going to cancel the wedding hall we booked and that she loves me so much and will put everything into making this work. She even thought she needed counseling. She never did get counseling. Then a week later she tells me that that is just what she felt at that moment.Now she wont even consider counseling. The most messed up thing she has told me is that she had doubts about us before we got engaged eventhough she was pressuring me to get her a ring. I told her it would have been nice to know about your doubts i wouldnt have bought a ring, booked a place, and told my family and the bridal party. Her excuse was that she thought marriage was what was missing and that would make everything better. It seems to me like she must be really confused. Maybe she met somebody else or someone is advising her not to be with me. I have no clue. She tells me that when she thinks of us getting back together it is usually when she is feeling lonely, sad, and depressed. She says she truly feels that way at the time but thinks she is wanting to come back for the wrong reasons. She says it woudn't be fair for herself or me. She decorated my whole place she picked the furniture,colors, appliances, pictures , tiles, everything. I can't throw away all that stuff ill have an unfurnished apt. She even told my aunt that she know it must be tough living with all those things. She said when we were atempting being friends that she didn't want to come to my apt because she didn't want to see any of our neigbors. She would feel uncomfortable. I was like omg. She also says there is no other guy and nobody is advising her not to be with me. I just deleted all her passcards and favorites off my comp and i saw she has our wedding website up and i clicked it (duh) Oh and for the record she is in the counseling field if that makes any difference. I have had a few people tell me that people in that field have a very different way of thinking. Thanks for the advice and support. I really appreciate it.

Hi i am so glad i found these forum's. It helps me cope. Heres my story, I'm wondering what you all think. Sorry for the long post . Summary: A) I was in a 14 yr relationship in which we were engaged for the last 6 months and living with each other for 9 years. B) I was perfectly happy b4 we got engaged but she wanted it so badly she would tell me "whats wrong with me that you dont propose to me". C) It went all downhill after we got engaged. 4 months after we got engaged she tells me she is not happy in our relationship and she has worries about if we should get married. Her reasons: 1 She had so much animosity towards me for the way i treated her in our earlier years in the relationship . 2 She felt the relationship wasn't fair (she did most of the household chores) 3 She felt no longer atracted to me.(i was so shocked) D) I told her that i wanted to try and work things out and she agreed to try. E) We tried for 2 months. The entire 2 months we tried it seemed like she already had her mind made up to leave me. Even though 2 weeks before she left me she and I were Baptismal sponsors for my cousins baby. We flew out of town for that.She was even talikng to my family about our wedding. (we had the place booked and the bridal party was notified) F) No matter how great we got along she kept telling me that it was too late she has already moved on and it was too late. She also said she wishes we could have worked at it earlier. G) She left me. It was ugly she was soo cold. She said she no longer loved me in that way and she had no desire to try and work things out. I was all pitiful crying, begging, pleading, asking why she is giving up on us. H) When she fleft she was also crying saying she couldnt picture me not being in her life. She wanted usto be great friends. I told her i would not be able to look at her as a friend and that i couldn't. I) 2 weeks later she tells me she wants to try and go out on a date to see if she felt differently. we go out and we have a wonderful evening. We were both emotional and she slept over. The next day she tells me that she did't feeel differently and that we cant be together in a relationship. Only as friends. J) I would have settled for anything from her. For 1 1/2 months I tried being friends although we only saw each other 3 times.I thought if i didn't try and be her friend she and i would just forget about eachother. I was afraid. We sent each other emails and talked aboout once a week. I would get so happy when i was contacted by her. I kept telling her how great our relationship would be and that I'm glad that she left because i see her in a differnt light. I also wrote here a letter. All in all i was a basket case hoping she would come back K) She sent me an email telling me that she contacted my family and told them we needed this time apart and that who knows maybe we might get back together. In another email she said She pictures me and her being together in a totally new and differnet relationship and she nows sees me in a different light. She said that i am the only person thats she truly trusts and loves me and realizes how great our relationship would be if she came back. She also said that was thinking about holding off on looking for an apt because we may get back together.(that blew my mind i was soo happy) L) 2 weeks later i send her an email asking how she was doing and she replies telling me that she cant picture us being together anymore and that she is apartment hunting agion she says she feels like running back to me but it would be for the wrong reasons. I was devastated. I felt like i did that first day she left. She can't understand why i am in so much pain and crying so much. M) We were supposed to go out as friends this weekend but i was losing my sanity so i called her up and told her that I couldn't do it. She wanted to only see me on the weekdays after work or on the weekends only if i would come to her because she wants to save money for her apt( she moved with her mom 1 hour away) I told her it wouldn't be fair friendship I Awould be giving 110%( because i wanted her back) and she would always have 1 up on me knowing that. I told her i would throw away all out pictures of us 14 years worth and she said she wanted them. I'm going to send them to her. I can't have them i keep looking and reminiscing. She was crying at the end of the conversation as i was saying goodbye and she told me that she loves me and that if i ever feel like calling her to do so and that she wishes me to do very well. I told her i wouldn't be calling her but if she ever need anything i'm here for her. N) I am only at 2 days of NC LOL and i miss her so much i will be looking for therapy i am so depressed we have been with each other since i was 18. I was her first love. We have both watched each other grow. She got what she wanted, she got her ring. I changed my lifestyle for her and lost friends. She was my priority, there wasnt much more i could do. She said she wishes she felt differently but she doesn't. Am i doing the right thing with NC atm. My heart tells me that without me keeping in contact with her i will lose her forever. I want to get better but i also want her back.