Dumped and hurt.. with a twist. Help!

[whyohwhy]

I'm glad I came accross this site. I want to share my story and I will try to make this short.

 

Background: I've been living with my bf (ex?) for 3 years now. We met at work, so that means aside from working together, we also live together. We were always together, as people would say we're like Siamese twins. I would also like to note that I am 10 years older than him.

 

Lately, I noticed he has changed. He was always talking about breaking up, or that he has become less optimistic that we would actually make it. If we ever have an argument, I would say all we have to do is talk and he would say that's not going to do anything.

 

Last Monday, he got me so upset and when I asked him why did he do what he had done, he yelled "Maybe I want you to break up with me because I can't do it!" It was an emotional day between us. He admitted he has been unhappy and has been that way actually for the past 2 years. He also admitted he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. He also said the love has taken a hit, that he has love for me but love for a bestfriend and not a girlfriend.

 

The next day we talked again and I tried to keep us together. I told him I'm willing to change (whatever it is that made him unhappy) just for him to be happy again. In other words, I tried to bargain. He said he doesn't want to stay for the wrong reasons, because if we ever continue, it's possible he could cheat on me. He said, in his own words "I'm just 28, and that's it? No more women?" He said he wants to feel those butterflies in his stomach again, or feel that excitement again when a girl texts him. That hurt so badly. That just meant he is ready to move on to another woman. I even asked him if there's already somebody else that he likes, he said no.

 

I cried and cried.

 

Yesterday, I told him I'm done bargaining, I'm done fighting for the relationship because I've heard enough. I'm ready to move out, in fact, I already talked to my family and they are going to pick me up anytime. I also started distancing myself from him and started sorting my things out. That was when he started to approach me, he cried and he said this has got to be the hardest thing he has done in his life by far. He said he feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and stomped on afterwards. He said he doesn't want to lose me, that he doesn't want me out of his life at all, that he feels like he can't live without me. This time he told me what if we just have "space" and see if he is just confused. This space would mean living apart for 3 months and that would tell him "what's really the love I feel for this woman?" I told him I don't know about that, because that means I'm just your plan B/backup plan, and I don't want that. What if I agree, leave my door open, and after 3 months he would call me and he would tell me, he is actually better off without me. Or what if he realized that he really wants to be with me but it's me who doesn't want to be with him anymore. He said he is scared of this thought too.

 

So what should I do? We are going to talk again later. I love him and although the relationship has made me unhappy at times, it wasn't enough to leave. But after hearing all the things he has said, I'm afraid that if we ever decide to stay together, we are damaged goods. Please help. Thank you!

[Damaged70]

I would follow through! If you stay you will end up just being his cushion while he tries something else. 10 years younger, and he is a guy. I have see this before!

Pull the plug and roll.

[CeeLambrini]

Changing for someone isn't fair on either of you. He is desperate for freedom, to do exactly what he likes. I'll bet anything this is what he will be doing for 3 months while you are apart. The problem he is going to face, however, is that it won't be so easy for him to jump into bed with every woman he finds as he may be imagining now. Once he figures that out, he'll come running back. Not that he won't get any, he'll get as much as he can out of being single - always knowing that you are waiting for him by the end. That's a perfect arrangement for him don't you think?

This reminds me of the song "A Little Time" by the Beautiful South. I've been through it myself with my ex and there's a part of me that worries my current boyfriend will go through it as well at some point. Maybe it doesn't have to be all 20-something men but for those that do go through it, it is better to let them go. It is not your problem if he later regrets it, or gets bored of meaningless sex and realises sex with you was more beautiful than he could ever get from some random in 3 months.

He's already said he's not attracted to you, he is willing to throw emotional abuse at you in order to push you away. You must feel like you're dating a teenager again and I wouldn't put up with it. Life is short and you're spending yours babysitting this emotionally constipated little boy. Let him go out into the big bad world and see how far loveless sex and one night stands gets him. He's clearly confident in the fact that you will still be waiting for him by the end of his vacay, I personally believe that he is going to find himself sorely wrong.

[missmarple]

In my opinion, this relationship is over. Even if you get back together again, how will you ever forget the things he said? I know I wouldn't be able to.

[whyohwhy]

Thanks for the response. My head tells me the same thing. He told me he knows he's going to regret breaking up with me.. so it's highly possible he's changed his tone later on because he wants to be sure I would still be there when he realizes that he made a mistake of letting me go.

 

Now.. It's just my heart that I have to contend with......

[whyohwhy]

In my times of weakness, I will read and read all these things you guys have wrote. Thank you so much!

 

BTW I told him if he has gone out with another woman during that time we're apart, then don't bother coming back to me. He said that's not what he really wants, he just wants to feel how it is living by himself. I don't know, he could just be saying this now just to string me along.

[Damaged70]

In my times of weakness, I will read and read all these things you guys have wrote. Thank you so much!

 

BTW I told him if he has gone out with another woman during that time we're apart, then don't bother coming back to me. He said that's not what he really wants, he just wants to feel how it is living by himself. I don't know, he could just be saying this now just to string me along.

 

I know you love him, but he needs some tough love! Tell him to go jump in the lake!

[paradisa]

I would tell him goodbye, make it clear that it's over and go no contact immediately. He had a choice and he didn't choose you. I've been in a similar place before and it's heartbreaking. What helped me was realizing that the relationship was over and that there was no way we could go back to what we had before - we were no longer wanting the same things. And there was no way I could trust him again. Walk away from this guy and focus on yourself - let him find himself all on his own without any safety nets. You deserve better than being his option.

[whyohwhy]

Yes I'm definitely going to have all of these things in mind when I talk to him again later. I just don't know if I should share this or ask you guys about this.. but I might as well.

 

He said he is just going to play basketball in a covered court, then when he comes back, we will talk. He has been gone for more than 4 hours now, and I just noticed that he took his deodorant and cologne with him. He hasn't done this before every time he plays ball. Is it just me, or does anybody else think he is already seeing somebody else? If that's the case, there's definitely no more talks that will happen. I'm just afraid he would deny. Is this a red flag?

[paradisa]

I think you need to end it and walk away. He already said that he no longer loves you as a girlfriend and that he lost sexual attraction. That alone should be enough to give you the strength to say goodbye to him. I don't know if he is seeing another girl (wouldn't surprise me though) but move your focus away from that and focus on yourself. Second choice, back up plan, comforting an ex is not what you deserve. End it, and go no contact with him. Hugs to you - I know this totally sucks but don't prolong the misery.

[catfeeder]

He didn't say he's just recently turned unhappy and confused--he's been unhappy for 2 YEARS.

 

You deserve to heal and find better than that--and you will, if you follow through and move forward.

 

Head high. Nobody promised this would be easy, but you have all the information you need to build a better future for yourself.

 

Focus there.

[whyohwhy]

So it has been more than a week since we broke up, and it has been up & down between me and him. We still live together and still sleep on the same bed, and it hurts knowing we are still here but we're over.

 

That's when I decided to leave for good. My flight is next week (Wednesday). I know I won't be able to heal if I still see him every day, especially whenever he steps out & stays out long, it drives me crazy.

 

Yesterday he hugged me, told me he loves me, that I'm his greatest love, and maybe nobody else would come close to that love he felt for me. He said he has mixed feelings/thoughts about me leaving for good, or the breakup in general. He told me that the only thing he is holding on to at this point, and which will help him get through the breakup, is "optimism." Optimism that next Wednesday won't be the last time he would see me.. that we would still talk in the not so distant future.. that maybe he would book a flight this summer to wherever I go and see me.. that maybe we can rekindle what we had. He said all he knows now is that he wants me in his life in whatever capacity, hopefully still a partner but would be fine even as friends.

 

Do we have something here? I told him "you also know that Wednesday could also be the last time we see each other, right?" He said he knows this as well. Who knows he's just saying these things because he's down.. who knows he would find somebody soon.. or maybe it would be me who wouldn't want to be back with him.

[Ms Darcy]

There is no doubt in my mind that this relationship is completely over.

 

1. He's been unhappy for two years.

2. He treated you like crap, hoping you would have the self-respect to break up with him.

3. You two were together all the time (living together and working together)

4. The age gap. You two are in two different places in life (he wants freedom, you want to settle down)

5. His desire for other women. (And I highly suspect there is someone else but it's just not a sure thing yet)

 

There is a reason he's stayed for so long. You are best friends. It's going to be a huge loss for him and he will miss you a lot. But don't mistake missing you for wanting a relationship and commitment. Because if a guy is fine with being friends with you only in the future, he certainly doesn't see you as a wife, life partner, or mother of his kids.

 

Get the heck out of there and start healing.

[whyohwhy]

Thanks for the response, that was enlightening. Me and him just finished talking, and after everything that has been said, we both could say it was a peaceful breakup. Well I also told him that I'm not so sure about still talking just days after I leave. He said he is certain he would want to hear from me that soon. So I told him if it's up to me, I would want him to enjoy his freedom, while I also don't know if I want to hear anything about him. I told him maybe it would be better if we don't talk for awhile. He said "We'll see. I can still message you, it's up to you if you want to ignore me."

 

I don't know, what shall I do? What to think?

[silversoul]

If you message him, you'll held his hand through the break up. He doesn't love you but he's experiencing a loss and he wants to text you to ease the process for himself. Not because he wants to talk to you. Realise this and don't talk to him. Or you'll end up like many do, in contact until when he's in love with someone else and you are left feeling like a fool. He doesn't love you, why oh why do you need to talk to him. Have some self-respect and cut him out of your life. Because he will do it if you continue talking. You are a woman, don't behave like a doormat.

[whyohwhy]

I have the same fear in mind, that he's just going to use me to go through the breakup until such time that he finds somebody else. He tells me that by still talking, we might rekindle something. I don't know but I feel like if that is ever to happen, he should first realize my worth by losing me. I told him if he later would realize that he wants me, he has to exert that HUGE effort to get me back.. and that there is no guarantee I would want him back anyway.

 

Yes I have a strong feeling that the relationship is completely over, it's just bothering me when he keeps saying that anything is possible. No he can't keep me around when he decided to break up with me.

 

Thanks for all your help!

[sharky988]

Lots of dumpers say "maybe someday" as a way of keeping their exes around as a safety net until they've moved on to their next relationship.

 

Don't be that girl! Here's a guide that will help you with cutting off contact: link removed

[whyohwhy]

Thanks for the link! You guys are helping me a lot. I know I'm weak/sad at this point, but I'll make him feel that I'm not dumb.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes I have a strong feeling that the relationship is completely over, it's just bothering me when he keeps saying that anything is possible. No he can't keep me around when he decided to break up with me.

 

Thanks for all your help!

 

He's just saying that to have you as a back up just in case the new girls aren't as plentiful as he would have hoped.

 

Give him the gift of missing you and completely disappear from his life.

[Zuri]

Sharky and Ms. Darcy are ON POINT. I hope you don't play the sucker like I did. Please be strong. I know it doesn't seem so NOW but you will move passed this and on from him. But you must stick to LC then nc once the break is made. If you still love him then it's even more important to go nc. I suspect he will break it one that ball gets rolling. So be aware of that. Do what you can to heal yourself. Therapist, workout, volunteer. And ignore him. Block the number once moving gets sorted. Staying friendly will not help YOU.

[whyohwhy]

Hello! I already moved out of town last Wednesday. The day before I left, my ex and I spent the day together. I know I shouldn't have let that happen, but I was weak. He was crying and said he didn't really want me to go, and that he misses me already. We had dinner, a nice talk about us, and slept together (no sex). He kept saying anything is possible, only if we keep the communication alive. He said who knows we might still get back together after being with other people, that these things happen. He also said he hopes I wouldn't turn cold on him when I leave. All I kept saying was I don't know if we should talk days after I leave, that's why he said "fine, let's play it by ear then."

 

The day I left, he was crying. He said his heart was racing and he was scared. We hugged and he said he loves me over and over again.

 

Since I left, I haven't heard from him, only text messages from his mom asking if I made it home to my family safely. He has no cellphone (we shared one and I have it) and he has no internet yet (what we had was under my name and I had it cut off). So he said his mom should be able to text me and find out how my flight was.

 

I'm at a new place. I'm with my family but I feel so empty. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of him, and I wonder if he thinks of me too or as frequent. I know it's over but I'm still not over the breakup. I find myself waiting for his message or email, but I also know I don't want to be in contact with him this soon. I'm trying to look strong in front of my family but deep inside, I'm going crazy.

[sharky988]

I'm very sorry you did that to yourself, but it's done now.

 

Buck up and keep moving on. If you BLOCK HIM EVERYWHERE, you won't have to wait for his stinky little meaningless breadcrumbs.

 

You're going to be fine! Now you're free to find someone who DOES love you and want to be with you. Don't waste another moment making yourself available as his Plan B. You deserve better!