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Potentially a bad second date idea.... need advice.


j.man

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I met this woman out last week for a first date. It went really well, we ended up hanging out for about 5 hours (not normally what I do). I walked her home and waited in her house for a cab. We sat next to each other, close enough to touch, but it's a personal rule of mine not to kiss on a first date.

 

In any case, I ask her out again. She gets a hold of me and tells me that for the original night planned, we'd need to meet up a little later and offers me a couple other nights in case that doesn't work for me. I actually offer for her to come out tomorrow (a day sooner than the original date - Wednesday) to the salsa club I go to every Tuesday night (more to get my fix of Latinos than I do for actual dancing). I let her know I personally won't be dancing tomorrow (recently had my toe nail kicked off and then stepped on again), but that I'm sure other guys would be more than willing to introduce her to the dance.

 

I told a friend about this, and she looked at me oddly. See, I'm not a terribly jealous guy. I wouldn't mind if my girflriend danced with another guy, much less someone I met last week. She also wants to learn Spanish, and I, as well as my friends who go there, speak it, so she'd get tons of practice. To me it was a no-brainer to suggest. But my friend raised the point that I might give off a "I don't want to date you" vibe, and that I'm pretty much inviting her to hit it off with another dude there. That's not true, though. I am interested in this woman, and now sorta wanna make sure that while I'm totally for her dancing with people and meeting people there (she's new to the state), that I am taking her there as a date... so that basic date "rules" would apply (i.e., don't be taking dudes' numbers or excessively flirting... it's meant as a date with me, not an opportunity to score dates with others)

 

Is this controlling of me? We're meeting for dinner before we head out there. Is there a non-abrasive way to convey to her that while I hope she has a great time learning to salsa there and meeting people, that I'm taking her there as a date? My instinct is that I just bite the bullet and let whatever happens happen.

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I don't understand either. In my culture, everyone dances with each other. It's not like we're grinding at a club or anything... it's an actual dance and there's nothing to it (in our view). She wants to learn Spanish and that's where I and a lot of other Spanish speakers go on Tuesday nights. And when I mentioned the first time we met that I go to a Salsa bar every Tuesday, she said she was really interested in learning. It was just really bad thinking (or a complete lack of thinking) on my part to spring that up. My first instinct is to accommodate people, especially people who are new to the area. Now I'm in a rut where I have to somehow convey to her that it's *NOT* that I just see her as a friend and that I am in fact interested in her, when I otherwise wouldn't have to had I not made this suggestion.

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I don't understand why you invited her to a dancing club when you can't dance. Bad idea and, if a guy told me 'I'm sure other guys will be wiling to teach you the dance', I'd believe that he sees me as a friend.

 

Agree, especially encouraging her to dance with other guys. Take her to a restaurant where Spanish is spoke - like a Tapas bar or a higher end Mexican restaurant instead or take her to WATCH a performance of salsa where there are clear audience members (like at a cultural center or live theater). If you go to the salsa club, only go if you can dance. Its fine if its customary to trade off partners - but if you are not even in the mix? And if she is not familiar with that cultural idea, it is a bad idea to start the second date with that. Its like going to a club and sitting at a table while your date goes and mingles with other people.

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I fully agree with you. Now the question is how to salvage this without being dramatic. Do I cancel the date? Tell her let's just meet later on Wednesday night (an option she put out there)? I mean, she already expressed a lot if interest in learning, knows when and where it is... no real stopping her from going even if we don't show up together. Call her and be upfront? "Look, I'd really like to show you the salsa bar, but maybe it's not the best suggestion for a date with my toe busted up. You can of course still show up if you'd like, but maybe you and I should do something else another night?"

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Yes, if that was a second date, I'd take it that the guy wasn't interested in me as anything other than a friend. I HAVE had early dates where we went dancing, including partner-changing dances, but the guy I was with made it very clear that I was his primary partner - both to me and everyone else. These were guys who weren't jealous either, and as we got to know each other we'd both be off with other partners. When you're an established couple, it's the sign of a healthy relationship.

 

But in the early days when you're potentially forging bonds with a new woman, that's totally different. It's not a question of whether you mind her dancing with other people; it's more a question of whether you're letting her know that you're interested in HER. If someone told me that there would be other guys willing to show me the dance, but that they wouldn't be participating, I'd assume they were trying to palm me off on someone else.

 

You're going to dinner tomorrow first, right? If I were you I'd spin that date out so long that you don't have time to go dancing. At least, not tomorrow!

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You should call her with a better idea. You say: «Hey, there's this [little restaurant with singing waiters or something you'll figure out] and we definitely oughta go there. Let's leave the salsa for when I can dance with two feet.» Just that. Funny and no drama. She'll be delighted.

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I don't have to go, no, and while dragging the dinner out doesn't sound like a terrible idea, I don't think it's something that can just be avoided. How to cancel that when she's pretty excited about it without being dramatic and having to explicitly say "I'm interested in you" is the main matter here. But that may be the only way to climb out of this hole?

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You should call her with a better idea. You say: «Hey, there's this [little restaurant with singing waiters or something you'll figure out] and we definitely oughta go there. Let's leave the salsa for when I can dance with two feet.» Just that. Funny and no drama. She'll be delighted.
This doesn't sound like a bad idea in my mind. Opinions?
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Pretty much pulled that line verbatim. She wasn't put off at all and we'll be going to dinner and doing something else instead. Trying to think of something fun/"romantic" (in as much as it conveys to her that "yes, I'm interested.") Thanks so much for the advice!

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