Need help!!!

[shortstubby]

I'm mid 30's married with 2 boys. I'm attracted to this girl (mid 20's single). She is one of the 3 close co-worker friends that I have. The 4 of us all hang out quite often outside of work getting drinks or whatever. Sometimes it would be just me and her hanging out, but we have never done anything. Very platonic friendship. I get the feeling that she has a similar attraction towards me. My 2 other close co-workers know that I had a crush on her. At the time, I didn't really care that only my close co-workers knew about my crush on her. This goes on for about 6 months. I begin to develop some feelings for her and I did think about her more than I should. I have never acted on those thoughts. My life would be simpler if she was gone and obviously a lot less interesting.

 

Some more time pass, and I get the feeling that there are other coworkers speculating that there is something going on between the two of us. I am more concerned about my professional career than a piece of ass. So, I use this as an excuse to slowly limit my friendliness towards her. Meanwhile, I feel that she finds excuses to come into my office to ask silly questions just to see me. I try to be as nice to her as possible. She would send an occasional text or IM over work. Before, we would always have good text/IM conversations, but now my responses were more brief and I try not to initiate any IMs/texts. This was over the course of couple of months. I felt that my life was getting simpler. I didn't think about her as much, which was good for my well-being and for my family.

 

However, my 2 other close co-workers have noticed my behavior towards her and are asking why I am being an a-hole to her. It's making the 4 of us hanging out awkward. I explain to the 2 close co-workers that I feel others were beginning to speculate that there was something between us. They told me that I overreacted. I felt horrible for not being as nice to her as I have in the past.

 

So here recently, I apologized to her for being an a-hole. I told her that I was concerned that other co-workers were speculating that there was something between us. I even admitted to her that I have a little crush on her. Her reaction was like "me, too". We talked about how we would never act on that. At the end, we agreed that we should continue the platonic friendship and try to hide it from everyone else.

 

I'm afraid that our platonic friendship may lead to something else. At the same time, I don't want to be an a-hole to her.

 

Should I just tell her that I can't handle this platonic friendship because I'm afraid that I will do something I'll regret? Or just keep the platonic friendship and deal with the attraction to her internally? All those thoughts about her came back after our talk. It's driving me insane.

[Selflove1]

You did the right things by distancing yourself, and honestly I think you should keep distancing yourself. Crushes happen, it's natural, but acting on it is something that could potentially destroy everything. Who cares if they thing your being a a-hole? If rather be known as an a-hole with morals than someone who can't keep it in their pants! I admire the way you recognised what was happening and took action to prevent it, but sounds like you did it for the sake of your career and work place. LTR can get a bit stale, which is why when A mutual crush comes along most people aren't strong enough to resist, so kudos to you for actually not going ahead.

 

I'd say Distance yourself, but try not to come accross cold, and so what if you do, and spend some time getting to know your wife and family again, and why you married her. Won't be long before you are glad you stayed faithful as you have everything most people would love to have

[shortstubby]

I said i used my career and work place as an excuse to distance myself from her. When in fact, I was beginning to recognize that I could be getting into trouble.

 

I guess I wasn't 100% truthful to her when I told her that I wasn't as nice because of work. It was more because of me developing feelings for her which I never told her. I never told her because I think it would make things super awkward.

[offplanet]

I said i used my career and work place as an excuse to distance myself from her. When in fact, I was beginning to recognize that I could be getting into trouble.

 

I guess I wasn't 100% truthful to her when I told her that I wasn't as nice because of work. It was more because of me developing feelings for her which I never told her. I never told her because I think it would make things super awkward.

 

I think it's good you haven't told her more about your feelings because once you have that conversation and if she also admits to having feelings it'd be more likely that things would escalate. If it's not out in the open between you it's easier to repress it.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm afraid that our platonic friendship may lead to something else.

 

So you have no control over your penis?

 

Of course you do. You are in complete control. Distance from her, don't hang out as a foursome - and certainly not as a twosome, and focus on your wife. It's interesting how your wife and her feelings have not come up at all in this thread.

[greta96]

However, my 2 other close co-workers have noticed my behavior towards her and are asking why I am being an a-hole to her. It's making the 4 of us hanging out awkward. I explain to the 2 close co-workers that I feel others were beginning to speculate that there was something between us. They told me that I overreacted. I felt horrible for not being as nice to her as I have in the past.

 

Tell your other 2 coworkers to mind their own business. They are not the brightest bulbs in the tree, are they? Would they be happy if you had an affair with this girly and ruined your life, your wife's life and your kids' lives because of them pushing you to be "nicer" to her? Would they think it was an overreaction if their spouses did what you did (trying to distance themselves from a potential affair)? Think not...

You don't have to explain anything to anybody. Keep doing what you did before, and distance yourself from this girl. If she asks why, just remind her you are a married man with kids, that should put her back into her place. Be an a-hole to her, if need be. Better than being an a-hole to your wife, who cooks and cleans for you and gave birth and is taking care of your kids, that's for sure.

 

Get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality. Which is that you are a married man and have responsibilities, while she's a young girl with nothing to lose, and who is getting an ego boost from your crush. You already confessed your crushes to one another - big mistake on your part, but this is exactly why you have to go back to treating her coldly, you already walked on mined territory.

 

And stop hanging out for drinks with your coworkers, and especially one-on-one with her. I find it hard to believe that you have nothing better to do after work - you have a FAMILY to spend time with, two boys who need their father to do stuff with them. You're not a single, care-free guy anymore, quit acting like one, it's lame. You have responsibilities and it's about time you started acting like a husband and a father!

[catfeeder]

Distance yourself and allow the chips to fall way with this woman. This is a mess, and yes, your career will be impacted if you don't nip it.

 

Work is not a therapeutic environment, so skip the explanations. Demonstrate competence on the job and keep your social life separate from it.

[shortstubby]

thanks everyone for his/her inputs. you have made it crystal clear what i should do.

[Iggles]

thanks everyone for his/her inputs. you have made it crystal clear what i should do.

 

Good.

 

Just want to add, if you both feel you have to hide your friendship from other people then you are NOT friends. Period.

 

Continue to distance yourself from her. Don't go drinking with her outside of work. No more texting. Think about how you would want your wife to act if she was in a similar situation. Continue to have integrity and honor your wife. Remember your vows, "let no man put asunder what God hath joined together" (in laymen's terms: don't let outside people mess up your marriage!).

 

Crushes come and go. But do not feed the beast. Invest in your family. Time spent dwelling on a crush would be better utilized with your boys and enjoying time with your wife.

 

Best of luck, OP. With every choice you make, you determine what's important.

[Capricorn3]

So you have no control over your penis?

 

Of course you do. You are in complete control. Distance from her, don't hang out as a foursome - and certainly not as a twosome, and focus on your wife. It's interesting how your wife and her feelings have not come up at all in this thread.

I second this post. Redirect your focus onto your wife and family. Not much to add as I am sure you KNOW right from wrong. Choice is yours - all in your control. Playing with fire usually gets you burned.