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Controlling parents


VW22

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My girlfriend and me are now dating since 6 months almost now, we are both 17 y/o. We are very happy and love each other very much.

 

However, her parents are truly controlling, and it affects our relationship in some ways. Everything my girlfriend does, she has to communicate it to her parents (ex gym, school etc.). If her dad needs something done at home, no gym or activities for her, she has to hurry home.

 

This also applies in our relationship, which is very annoying for us both. For example, my girlfriend, on a saturday night, asks her dad if she can come home over to my house, and he says no for no valid reason. Actually, his "reason" is that both her parents want to spend time with her. Let me assure you, it's not for that reason, I am 110% sure. He either has chores for her to do at home, which she always has because her parents are either too busy watching TV or sleeping, or he abuses of his control over his daughter for a reason I don't know.

 

Anyway, no matter the reason, it's really annoying for me. In my mind, she's mature enough to take her own decisions. Even-more, i'm the one who has to adapt for her parents, because then I'm the one who has to go to her house. If it was my girlfriend's decision to stay home, I would have no problem with it, and I would adapt. However, I hate being controlled, especially by someone else's parents.

 

Is there something I can do? I explained the situation to my girlfriend, she totally understands, but other than me being the one who adapts to their decisions, we can't find a solution.

 

Thanks for your help!!!

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You are both still (legally and medically) kids. She live in her parents home, eats their food, wears cloths they buy for her etc. It is NOT to much to ask that she does chores, be home by a certain time etc.

 

When she is paying 100% of her own way, it will be different.

 

Be glad she has parents who love her and let her date at all.

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Having chores to do is not abuse of power. Nor is having to be home when you are asked. They sound like completely normal responsible parents to me.

 

She lives in a house they pay for, uses their heat, hydro, water, food, clothing, medical treatment etc etc....doing a few chores and being home on time is no horror .

 

It is a pain for teenagers who want to be " free." But the truth is you are both not free but reliant.

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Your gf is reliant on her parents for her upkeep. If she starts rebelling and going against their wishes she could find herself out on the street.

Could you support her then??

Stop complaining to your gf about her parents. Either accept this is how it is until you can both support yourselves or break up with her & find someone who doesn't have rules.

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For example, my girlfriend, on a saturday night, asks her dad if she can come home over to my house, and he says no for no valid reason. Actually, his "reason" is that both her parents want to spend time with her. Let me assure you, it's not for that reason, I am 110% sure. He either has chores for her to do at home, which she always has because her parents are either too busy watching TV or sleeping, or he abuses of his control over his daughter for a reason I don't know.
Yeah, that's probably not the "reason", because her Dad was once a 17 year old boy, so he has a different perspective on all of this than you do, since you do not have a 17 year old daughter.

 

Of course he doesn't want his daughter over at your house, because he's probably thinking that she will have sex with you, which may result in her getting pregnant. You want her parents to approve of you, to trust her and let her have more freedom? Then both of you have to prove to them (no matter how crazy it seems to you) that you're both trustworthy and reliable. She is reliant on them, even if they laze around the house (in your opinion) on the weekend, they have jobs, put a roof over her head, clothes on her back, food in her stomach. Unless they are physically abusing her, or asking her to commit illegal acts, they are her parents and so long as she's under their roof, what they say goes.

 

If you hate feeling that you are being controlled by someone else's parents, then the only thing you can do is break up with her and find another girl whose parents meet your standards for how they should treat their daughters.

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However you feel, dont complain to her about her parents. Because she will slowly resent you for criticising them and dump you, because annoying as they are, she loves them very much. Be supportive when she complains to you about them.

 

They do sound like normal parents who care about her so be grateful that you have a girl who has been brought up in a good way and who knows she is very much loved.

 

In other words, suck it all up if you want to stick around.

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Her parents clearly do not trust you. Instead of getting pissed off at them or putting a "controlling" label on them, the mature thing to do is to gain their trust. Trust is not given to you- it is something ou have to earn. Spend time with her at their house. Talk to the parents. Try to spend some time with them so that they get to know you and that you're not some sex-crazed teenager. If you are hardly coming over to their house and spending time with their daughter, then they should be very wary about you. Personally, as a teen in the late 90s and early 2000s, my parents did not like me hanging out at a boyfriends house unsupervised until I was a legal adult.

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OP take a deep breath- this really is not a big deal. She's a 17 year old girl and they are concerned about her. I know you don't understand why as you are a year away from 18, but this is a good thing. Had my girlfriend had this type of guidance in highschool and she wouldn't have gotten herself into so much trouble. Just show her parents respect and that you care for her daughter in a genuine way and they should lighten up in time. But make no mistake, you are the fox in the hens house in her fathers eyes. I would be the same if I was him.

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