Going crazy

[hey]

Hi! Wow, I never thought so many people have gone through this.. I have been in a 3yr relationship, 2 months after the anniversary, a week ago, he dumped me. I was and I guess, still am in shock. I really, really did not expect it. He was the most loving, caring, pacient person, all of our friends would always praise him for being so nice and considerate to me, no one actually expected this to happen. I have gone through so many different emotions in such short time that I feel I am going to explode.. I cried, I was angry, I tried to rationalise, I tried to understand, I can't sleep and it only seems to be getting worse. Not enough that it happened all of a sudden, I was given no proper reason to be able to cope with this. The reasons were it "wasn't working anymore, it was routine, but I had no fault in that", as he put it. That's funny, 'cause I thought everything was fine. It's true, the last month we did fight a lot, but who the heck doesn't? I never, for one second thought we couldn't get over that, we had been through so much before... Looking back, I do believe his love and respect for me kind of diminuated, but I had times I felt that way too, and I got over it and fell for him over and over again. The funny thing is, two months ago, for our 3yrs anniversary he told me I was the most important person to him and that he would do everything he could so we could stay together, we also talked about future plans, about moving in together next fall, etc.

I have considered another girl, that's not unheard of, but he denied it 3 times now, and despite everything he has done I can't not trust him, don't know why. Gosh, I just can't believe this happened to us! He never even sat me down and tried to talk to me about these feelings he seems to have had for a while now, he was just out of the blue very clear and determined to end it. So, first I didn't know what to do with myself, how is one supposed to react? I blocked him on FB and everywhere and started deleting pics and texts while crying my eyes out. Memories and promises kept hitting me and nothing I tried stopped them. But then, the worst thing followed, he seemed to have already carried on. Friends told me he was posting pictures, feeling happy, just the next day after he destroyed me. So I called him, I know it is the dumbest thing to do, but I just couldn't help it. And, almost like trying to taunt me, he was acting all relaxed and fine and he probably is. I called him right before starting this thread, because I felt like I was going crazy. I thought it would get better, but now it seems like the shock is just passing and I am starting to realise that I am alone and that I no longer have that person who was supposed to take care of me and to always be there. He knows everything about me, I shared SO much with him, I no longer have that one person I can say anything to, and in spite of knowing me so well and knowing how this was going to crush me, he chose to do it, and to do it this cowardly way. I just can't possibly understand HOW can such "strong" feelings go away like that, how do people change in a matter of weeks or days?? How can he be so happy and not care while I have to take Xanax to be able to sleep for just one night without dreaming of him and waking up? Just now, when I called he told me "oh, come on, it's not the end of the world, life goes on" What??? Why doesn't he care now, when just weeks ago he loved me "to the moon and back"?

 

I am just now starting to miss him, until now I was sad, disappointed, angry, shocked.. I can't concentrate on anything, I just want this to be over, I know it's not the end of the world, it's not even a tragedy, but still, I can't help not worrying about the future, I trusted him with my heart and the one person I was sure was not going to break it, still did. Sometimes I just feel silly and like I'm over-dramatising this because people around me keep telling me to get over it and just forget him. How can they not understand? I'm not like this because I enjoy hurting and crying, I wish I could just forget too, but there is nothing I can do, is it? All I want is to call him and things to be the way they were a week ago, to be able to tell him I miss and love him no matter what, and him to say it back, I want him to hold me so that I could feel safe again, like nothing could hurt me there. I know this seems a bit romanticised but I am just SO scared these feelings are not going to go away for quite some time. I am just very disappointed and started expecting anything from anyone, because people are just crappy.

[jonyyy]

I think when it comes to relationships / feelings, most people are cowards. I mean they are honest when everything is fine. But when something starts to change inside them they don't do the right thing, i.e. communicate with their partner. Mostly because people aren't even honest with themselves.

 

Now you have to be strong and look out for yourself. It's going to be a hard journey but you have the power to succeed.

[Lucha]

I'm sorry you had to experience this. Many on this forum have had similar experiences. While you feel like you had a great relationship and everything was fine, he clearly wasn't feeling that way and never communicated it to you so this all comes as a shock. Truth is he has probably been withdrawing throughout the last months of your relationship bc such a decision almost never comes out of the blue. He prob has been doing a lot of thinking and distancing himself from you to soften the blow. This is also why he seems to be doing fine although you just broke up.

 

I totally get how you're feeling, it sucks having your future been torn up before your eyes. You most likely feel awful and you will for quite some while. This is completely normal and acceptable. People who tell you you have to be over it after a few weeks, a few months even are people who probably did never have the same experience. I find that the few friends who were there for me during the breakup, are people who have experienced similar (or worse) heartache. Other people just cant relate and they can be incredibly harsh.

 

I know right now all you wanna do is call him and try to persuade him but the thing is , everything you do now will only push him further away. You should go No Contact because that is the only way he will start to think about things, missing you and even then it's no guarantee he will want to come back. But if you push, he will run. And you'll only hurt yourself by trying to fit the broken pieces back together.

 

You'll hear this a lot in the next few weeks, but take it to heart: focus on yourself now, be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend. And dont contact your ex for a while. At least until you're past the worst emotional state you're in now..

[JA0371]

You're reacting as a perfectly normal person would. Because you had zero say in this decision. Had someone gave you a heads up months ago, you could have emotionally braced yourself for this.....and that's the difference between you and him. He didn't 'all of a sudden' lose feelings. He has likely felt this way for quite a while and rather than trying to work it out, he dropped it like a bombshell. So he has already removed himself emotionally from the situation, whilefor you it's fresh.

 

My best advice is to NOT...for any reason contact him. Respect his decision. If he reaches out to you, I also would not talk to him....and there is a good chance he will. Just post here...and vent. It will get easier.

[hey]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read that looong and boring story you must know so well and to reply! Didn't think total strangers could get this so right, and make me feel better, but you did! And altough I do know NC is the best thing to do, sometimes it gets too hard to bare. I don't even want to get back with him after this, but I guess my hurt ego wants him to feel just as miserable as I am... So thank you for sharing your thoughts and pieces of advice!

[JA0371]

Just take care of yourself. Remember, you are suffering from a deep wound right now...so you need to get better.

[Liraele]

I agree with the "normal" consensus.

 

You may feel this way for a while. That's normal too. You'll have good days and bad days, steps forward and set-backs. It's all a part of the process. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it, and just roll with the punches as best you can. The thing you can do is avoid drama and negativity by maintaining no or limited contact and establishing your boundaries for any attempts at reconciliation if they come. The rest takes time and patience.

[cryingalways]

Make sure you eat well, or eat something, I still have problems eating and it's been 4 months or something now. I've lost over a stone and can't get it back. So watch your weight.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. It's a rough road and it can feel like forever. I feel like I have suddenly been dumped in purgatory. Not that my relationship was that great actually. Yours sounds like it was a nice experience though from what I can gather. I wish I could think of some better advice but I'm feeling very low today myself I would say exercise helps though. I go running as often as I can and it always makes me a little more optimistic. x

[hey]

I feel like I have suddenly been dumped in purgatory. Not that my relationship was that great actually. Yours sounds like it was a nice experience though from what I can gather.

 

I am starting to think mine wasn't as great as I saw it either, especially for the past months, maybe I chose to only see the nice parts to prolong it. I am sorry anyone has to go through this, but trusting it gets better is the only way for me at least to go on. I read a quote somewhere that said "That's the thing about pain. It demends to be felt." Good luck and thank you!

[Kendahke]

man!! that was a messed up, callous thing to say to you. Yeah, you know it's not the end of the world--it's the death of your dreams that he allowed you to buy into that he was going to be there for you. He does have some responsibility in that if he never said or did anything to dissuade you from that line of thinking.

 

Unfortunately, I think that he has been withdrawing for a while and didn't have the stones to alert you to it. You're right--one doesn't change their feelings like that overnight. This has been in play on his end for some time. He chose to look you in your face and lie to you about his intention and his feelings. And the fact that within days of dumping you, he's posting pictures of himself and his new paramour says that he's been double-minded for long enough to convince another woman that he was a good match to be with, even though he was with you.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened.

[sharky988]

I'm so sorry this has happened!

 

Keep posting if it helps you. Here's a guide that will help you as well: link removed

[hey]

I'm so sorry this has happened!

 

Keep posting if it helps you. Here's a guide that will help you as well

Thank you, started reading it right away!

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. The reason it seems hard to believe that he was working up to this for a while is because lots of times along the way he likely switched sides. So he overplayed the hero to his villain and said fabulous things to you.

 

Nobody knows how long he was vacillating before he finally leaned in for the break, but the reason he appears fine right now is likely a rush of endorphins that has jacked him up after getting past a high-anxiety deed. It's like feeling happy when you're leaving the dentist's office times a thousand.

 

He'll come down from that at some point, and he might even be a mess for a while. But not if you keep calling him. He'll just turn more hostile toward you if you do that. Call a friend, clergy, a therapist, or write here--but if you want him to feel the loss of you, you have to leave him alone. Period.

 

I know about this because I was the horrible dumper a few times--but you'll be happy to know there's always karma. I've also had my fair share of heart breaks, and I can tell you, they're pure hell, but we do survive them.

 

In fact, plenty of the people who've callously told you in other words to suck it up and get over it are likely the very people who've blubbered their way the loudest through their own heartbreaks--but it's true that we can bounce back at some point to forgetting--like childbirth pain.

 

But not quickly--so you're not a freak if this takes...as long as it takes.

 

Soon you'll have a few good minutes between grieving, then a half hour, then a few half hours, then a good day. Uhm...then a horrible day that feels like you're back at square one and will never get past this.

 

Might help to read up on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' 5 stage model of grief. Her original work was applied to death and dying, but contemporary therapists assert that it plays out with grief of all kinds. The stages aren't neat and linear, like--oh, I'm past denial and anger and into acceptance today--I must be done! More like a mish-mosh blending of the stages in cycles, even ripping through them in minutes or hours, maybe landing on one clearly for a while.

 

Write more when it helps, and we're here for you.