How can I leave?

[MindTrap]

I have been wrestling the thought of leaving my boyfriend for almost a year now. We have been together two years and a few months. Things have been helter-skelter from the beginning. I don't want to create a lengthy question, but I feel it's best to get it all written down. If it's too long to read, the starred paragraphs mostly sum things up.

 

Our relationship began right after I got out of an abusive relationship. I was looking for anyone to give me attention, honestly. I wasn't attracted to him, wasn't sure we had anything in common, and didn't like the crowd he hung out with. Regardless of all of that, I got involved and ended up developing some sort of feelings for him due to me needing someone to fill the void of my ex. Things were rocky from the beginning. He was outgoing and liked to party, I was quiet and reserved. Our relationship moved way too fast, and he "sort of" moved into my parents house with me. He claimed he had a horrible home life, was always hungry, etc. - The usual pity party story. Things got complicated with my jealousy of him going out often, and eventually he ended up cheating on me. My parents helped me pack up all of his stuff, and we sent him on his way. I was absolutely devastated. The next week or so dragged by horribly slow, and I was miserable. Up until him cheating, we had never spent one day apart. At the end of about a week and a half of barely talking, he tried to get back with me. I adamantly told him no, but eventually I gave in on strict terms that he wouldn't move back in, wouldn't go out and party, would ditch his old friends who encouraged the partying, and other things of that sort. This is the part that I desperately wish I could take back. I think often of how badly I wish I could go back to this moment and delete him from my life forever, but I was so desperate to have someone that I gave in to him.

 

Our present day relationship is just as destructive and emotionally draining as it was at the beginning. He has not moved back in, but has all of his belongings here, expects my mom and I to cook and wash his clothes for him, comes in whenever he pleases, so basically he lives here, but sleeps at his parents house. On most days I feel so trapped and exposed. I have no privacy, and my room is more so his than it is mine due to all of his things being put in my room. The only times that I get alone are when I take 3-4 hour long baths (obviously just to get away) or when he goes to work. Just recently he lost his job (again..), so I don't even have those few hours that I used to have. We do absolutely everything together, including school, so I honestly have no outlet. At times I'm thankful for having someone to always keep me company, but other times I just need my space, and I so desperately want to have friends. It's hard to have anyone come over or go to a friends house when I'm constantly entertaining my boyfriend.

 

**Our relationship is more or less a parent/son and daughter relationship, I feel. I'll explain what I mean by that. He has an extremely bad temper so I'm often scolded about things, he likes to talk down to people (as if he's a sort of god or genius) so I'm often being "taught" how to do things, he thinks he knows everything and what's best for everyone, and we both micromanage each other's lives completely. At times he's the parent, and at other times, I am. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to stop. I can openly admit that I loathe him to his very being, yet I still feel the need to control what he does, so that he can't "hurt" me. Lately, I'm to the point where I can only think about the mean things he's said to me or done. He often tells me how much he hates me or wants me dead, but then I'm forced to "drop it" the next day. I usually don't argue with that because it's much easier to forget it and pretend to be happy than it is to do anything about it. There's just so many little things that have added up and finally pushed me to my breaking point.

 

**By now, I know most people would have gotten out. We are completely wrong for each other. I realize that. I can't stand his family, he doesn't like mine, I hate being around him, he's demeanoring, I'm controlling. But what stops me is my pity for him. I have honestly taken away any friend he had after he cheated on me. He doesn't have anyone to turn to except for me. He depends on me greatly, but at the same time, I feel he hasn't made any new friends because of his know it all personality. I feel so guilty to leave him because he will be alone and have no one to take care of him. His parents are usually careless towards him, and he has no money to buy himself food and things like that. Even if he did have the money, I often worry he's too used to having me do it all, that he won't take care of himself. Then the memories of the sometimes good days we have come. I can act silly around him, always count on him to text me or call me back (he's usually very reliable for me), and he does attempt to do things for me (although at times, I feel his attempts are just to make me feel guilty for considering leaving him after we fight). I do love him, but I think that love is because he is someone who is always around and available to me. I'm not attracted to him, he doesn't give me butterflies, it's all weak love.

 

Recently, I have reconnected with someone that I was mutual friends with in high school. He's caring, sweet, and I really want to see where things may go. He gives me butterflies, makes me anxious to fix my hair and makeup and buy new, pretty clothes... None of the things my current boyfriend has ever evoked. Obviously I can't really dive in with this guy with my boyfriend in the picture. I know it's horrible of me to start talking to someone while still with my boyfriend, but I am so disconnected and out of love with him that I don't even consider us to be together most of the time. I don't even know that this new guy and I will go anywhere, but it's so much fun to have someone to go on little dates with (we went out twice while my boyfriend was at work. Now I can't see him at all because my boyfriend lost his job), get random texts from, and slowly form feelings for. Basically, I miss the type of relationship that isn't "together 24/7, taking care of the guy like his housewife". When my boyfriend lost his job and I realized I wouldn't be able to see this new guy anymore, I realized I needed to do something about this and fast. I desperately want to see where this new friendship will take me. I feel that it could open my eyes and give me back the childish dating days I never got to have because of my current boyfriend. I don't want a new boyfriend. I just want my freedom again. Meeting this new guy made me see I haven't experienced anything in the world because I've been tied down to my boyfriend. I also realize how unfair and dishonest I'm being, but at the time, I just wanted to feel alive again.

 

Two days ago, I finally snapped and told my boyfriend how unhappy I was after he randomly got mad at me and threatened to leave my "sorry ass". I let my guilt get the best of me after he cried and apologized and promised to work on things. I told him we could try, but I know I don't want to try.

 

**Obviously I'm in a huge rut. I know what I need to do, but I don't know how. I don't know how to get those guilty feelings out of my head that make me not want to leave. I also don't know how to shake the fear of him hurting someone I care about or destructing my parents' property after we break up. I want to be ME again. I miss me so much. All I know is that I'm "his girlfriend". I know that I need courage and strength. I've been very foolish and weak with all of this, but I feel there's no time to dwell on how crappy I've been - I just need out. This relationship feels so toxic and worthless and it isn't fair to either of us. We will never find people that can truly love us if we stay together. I'm only 19 (he's 24) and I feel like my life is already over because I'm so tied down in a relationship that I'll never experience anything.

 

Please, please help me figure out this mess.

[catfeeder]

This guy is perfectly capable of mooching off of someone else. He has you fully snowed and you're falling for it.

 

Have a locksmith change your locks, pack up his stuff, tell him to come and get it while as many of your male family members as possible are there to supervise, and that's that.

 

If you think this guy can't worm his way into somebody else's home within a week, you're fooling yourself.

 

Respect your Self and your family as you should have done from the beginning, and that will cure your 'guilt'.

[Twidom]

Honestly it's time to have some self respect and self love. Simply pack his things and say goodbye forever.

 

Like catfeeder said, do it with a lot of family members or friends around to support you. And most important, STICK TO YOUR DECISION.

[elle12]

Catfeeder and Twidom are totally right. You are strong enough to do this and you will feel SO much better once it's done.

[MindTrap]

Thank you all for your replies. I know he is a huge moocher, but at the same time I feel that he really relies on me to improve his life. That's why I'm so terrified to bring up that we need to split. I know he's going to freak out. Then there's the dreadful task of packing up all of his things plus giving him back the things he's bought me. I know material things aren't the reason I'm staying, I'm just dreading that awkwardness. I honestly want to do it this week. I'm so tired of pretending and he is becoming more and more clingy because he knows something is up.

[Twidom]

Thank you all for your replies. I know he is a huge moocher, but at the same time I feel that he really relies on me to improve his life. That's why I'm so terrified to bring up that we need to split. I know he's going to freak out. Then there's the dreadful task of packing up all of his things plus giving him back the things he's bought me. I know material things aren't the reason I'm staying, I'm just dreading that awkwardness. I honestly want to do it this week. I'm so tired of pretending and he is becoming more and more clingy because he knows something is up.

 

He needs you to improve his life? Please stop making excuses for him. Just end it.

[ThatwasThen]

but I was so desperate to have someone that I gave in to him.

That's the crux of the matter right there. You would benefit by seeing someone professional that will help you with your fear of being single. You are also enabling everything that he does that you hate so that too is on you. You have to take back control of your own life and stop enabling him to take over your parents home and your's and their lives.

 

Do you know how to say "No" MindTrap?

 

but at the same time I feel that he really relies on me to improve his life.

Totally codependent thinking at it's finest. You can't help him improve his life when you so readily allow him to be the assclown that he is.

 

Check out your own codependency and need to fix. Those are issues that YOU have control over and can change if you actually do the work on yourself. Changing him is HIS job, it's not yours.

 

I'll include a link on "dysfunctional helping" that I think you'd do well to read. Good luck, change you and your life will be less awful.

 

link removed

 

Good luck, be strong and make the changes you need to make to make your life less angst filled. This will only happen to you again with the next guy you find attractive if you don't change up your own ways.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Thank you all for your replies. I know he is a huge moocher, but at the same time I feel that he really relies on me to improve his life. That's why I'm so terrified to bring up that we need to split. I know he's going to freak out.

He's an adult, you're not responsible for his emotions or feelings -- he is. He's also responsible for making sure he has money to pay his way in life. As has been suggested, call a locksmith, talk to your landlord about getting them changed or change them yourself. Reclaim your life!

 

 

Then there's the dreadful task of packing up all of his things plus giving him back the things he's bought me.

First of all, it's not going to be dreadful if you focus on the fact that you are getting your life back. You are getting your space back. You are getting your _______ back. With each thing you pack up, it's one more thing you're getting out of your life. As for the things he's bought you, they're gifts. You don't have to return them to him, just as you can't expect him to give you back the things you gave him. If you don't want the things he gave you any more, donate them to a charity, sell then on consignment or sell them on eBay/other online auction service.

 

You're focussing on the immediate ickiness, which isn't going to be fun because no one likes to be "mean". But... do you really want to keep living this way for the next month? Or year? The sooner you get started, the sooner you will finish. Get your mom or other family members or friends to help you. If they all don't like him, I'm sure they'll be delighted to help you give him the boot. You could buy some beverages and make a party out of it.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding to my post above, Mindtrap.

 

The information on the above link is:

 

Based on ideas from the upcoming book “The Psychology of Dysfunctional Helping: Understanding and Recovering From Codependence, Enabling, and Over-Helping” by Shawn Meghan Burn, PhD

Get the book at the very least and help yourself out of the habit it appears you've gotten yourself hooked on.

[catfeeder]

I know he is a huge moocher, but at the same time I feel that he really relies on me to improve his life.

 

Oh, groan.

 

He is a fully grown adult capable of taking care of himself, and if you believe otherwise, you're not doing him any favors.

 

You don't sound all that healthy to fall for this nonsense, and he's capitalizing on that.

 

Join with your parents and other family members to give this vampire the boot. He will either swim on his own, or he'll find someone else to bleed dry.