Saw a bad bad message on my boyfriend's phone :( Help!!!

[tosmileagain]

I had started a thread about my bf pulling away and I have doubts about his feelings now. When I asked him he kept saying "no way, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me" and denied. But somehow I couldnt get rid of that weird feeling, he wasnt his usual loving self.

 

This morning, I did something that I shouldn't have and looked at this Whatsapp. Which ended up that I'm glad I looked at this phone, because my doubts turned out to be true, unfortunately. He wrote his best friend this:

 

"Things are not going well with (my name). I keep seeing all these gorgeous women and I want to have them all. But then I say, no, I have the awesomest girl ever. I'm so confused. I think she noticed this situation too cuz she keeps asking me if there's something wrong."

 

I am devastated after reading this. He is making long term plans with me, he doesnt want to break up, even talking about introducing his mom with me. But my doubts turned out to be true And he lied to me about his true feelings. I think I should break up with him. Or should I give him more time to clarify his mind? My gut is saying that he cant be the one for me, if his eyes are at other women even if he doesn't make a move on them.

 

Please share your advice with me. I'm so lost and sad.

[missmarple]

I know that, if it was me, my relationship couldn't survive such a comment. It doesn't matter if he has made a move on a woman or not...the intention is there. Do you think you could ever 'forget' that comment? I would break up with him and not even mention what I saw.

[KarenC]

He would be a GONER...Despite the nice things that he said about me!!!

 

Just as he did when you approached him about all of this; he could have also been honest enough in the beginning to have told you that he didn't want a comitted relationship and at least you would have known what you were dealing with.

 

He's a liar and a cheater and he's totally wrong.

[nutbrownhare]

If he thinks things are not going well with you, but isn't honest enough to raise them with you and instead tells his friend, this doesn't bode well for your relationship. Even without the other girls.

 

You've already picked up that he's not really emotionally invested in the relationship and you've given him the opportunity to raise anything that might be troubling him. He clearly isn't going to. You can't do any more than that.

 

For now, look at yourself and your feelings. Are you happy in this relationship as it stands? Does it enable you to grow into everything you are capable of being, or do you find yourself unhappy and preoccupied? If the latter, you owe it to yourself to make your own life happier, and though breaking up with him will be very painful in the short term, it does at least open up the possibility of finding someone who will truly appreciate you.

 

This isn't likely to happen in your current relationship.

[greta96]

I too think you should end it, without telling him what you saw. Just say that you've been feeling things changed in your relationship and it would be for the best for both of you to go separate ways.

I say this because it's predictable what's going to happen if you stay: you'll never be happy again because you won't trust him, regardless how many reassurances he may give you, you'll always remember what he wrote to his friend, which are his true, real feelings. You already know the temptation is there for him, he's just trying to do the right thing...for now. He doesn't want to break up with you because he's scared of the unknown, of being by himself until he has the chance to meet one of those "gorgeous women" he's lusting after. But make no mistake, as your relationship continues to get old and more and more routine, as soon as he gets a real chance with one of those women, he'll bolt. If he's already unsure about being in a relationship with you, and wishing he was with other women, it means the relationship is done in his eyes, and it's only a matter of time until he meets someone that he perceives as a potential partner and breaks up with you. GIGS, that's what it is.

 

Don't let yourself be the girl with whom he fills in the time until he meets that woman. Your gut feeling told you something, you followed up, it turned out you were right...consider yourself lucky that you found out, you were not blindsided, and take action. He may cry and beg for you not to leave him - unfortunately it's not out of love, it's out of fear because he doesn't know how long he'll have to be single until he meets someone else. He may want all those gorgeous women, but in his mind be sure he wonders: "but would they want me?". He struggles with whether he should give up a sure thing, that's pretty good (you) and take the risk of maybe (or maybe not) meeting one of those women he dreams of. Make the choice easy for him by removing yourself from the equation. After all, you want a guy who dreams about YOU.

[Dragunov-21]

Guys will (almost) always be looking at other women. Those who aren't are lying about it.

 

If that is giving him doubts then I don't think he's in a position of maturity that would support serious long-term commitments. That said, I think that talking to him would probably yield much more positive results for you.

[puppyturtle]

Hey I honestly think that you should attempt to discuss it with him once more, say that you know something is wrong and it's the last chance to talk about it cuz u (insert explanation of how you feel), then if he won't then break it off, if he does then discuss it and make a judgement call. This is just my thoughts though, I wish you luck.

[pippy longstocking]

Hey I honestly think that you should attempt to discuss it with him once more, say that you know something is wrong and it's the last chance to talk about it cuz u (insert explanation of how you feel), then if he won't then break it off, if he does then discuss it and make a judgement call. This is just my thoughts though, I wish you luck.

 

 

I agree to some extent with puppy ..one last chat ...you have nothing to lose really op , because deep down you know now how he feels and I am sorry . Talk about follow your gut feelings hey .. He isn't a cheater ...don't know if he ever will be ..but he is clearly keeping you on board until he decides what he wants .

[shelty24]

How long have you been together? Does he have a history of one night stands or casual sex?

[amipushy]

I would be very curious and wait until his friend replies to his message and he in turn then replies back his best friend before I said or did anything. He is, afterall, deciding whether or not to make a real committment to you and give up all other girls for you. That is a big thing for anyone and it WAS a private message to someone he obviously trusts and respects.

 

I know its sneaky but so is he in keeping all this from you. Once you see the reply you can then decide what to do for the best for YOU.

[oneK]

I also think you should talk with him...but with the intention of ending it and explaining to him why you need to do it. He doesn't seem like a bad guy so he deserves to know why you're ending it.

 

He has ambivalent feelings about you, so just as there are things which are causing him to have doubts, there are parts of you and your relationship that he loves. If you give him a chance now, the threat of losing you will bring all those good things into focus for him. And he will try to win you back. Your will be convinced by his sincerity because those good things are also very real. But it doesn't change the fact that there is another side to the ambivalent coin, which inevitably comes to the fore. This is the madness that comes with being with someone who almost loves you enough. This is also a matter of personal responsibility. Now that you know what you know about his feelings, you are just as responsible to end the relationship as he is.

 

Goodluck ToSmileAgain, I've been there and it sucks tremendously. But if you focus on yourself and what you learn about what you need to be happy, this experience will ultimately be good for you. And you will smile again

[ParisPaulette]

I also think one last chat and then you end it. He knows you're awesome, he knows he's lucky, but he also is eyeing other women and not being honest with you when you ask him what's wrong. Those aren't the makings of a great relationship. I would just level with him all the way. You knew something was up, you looked at his phone, you saw the message, you get it, you're gone because you want someone who will have eyes only for you. And by the way, next time he should be more honest. Also the whole, "Things aren't going well between us" would sit wrong with me, because from your description there isn't really anything wrong. He's looking for other reasons, but it's also kind of slimy of him to try and paint it as a worse situation than it is too.

 

It sucks, but listening to your gut is the best thing you can do for yourself and your gut has indeed been telling you that something isn't right. So yes, it is time to walk since while he may want to be in love with you and not look at other women, his wanting and his being so are two different things. And you deserve someone who wants only you and wants to be faithful to you.

[ALovingKitten]

I would be hurt reading that too. What is upsetting is you asked him right off is all okay and he lied to you the one person being honest about it with matters, yet he can then turn to his best friend and unload all his truths and feelings on something that only really involve the both of you. I think he broke trust with you doing this and what he said in his message is fairly clear on what he thinks and probably wants to do. I think you need to clear the air again see if you confront he will finally come clean like he did to his friend if not I would think on how much you can trust what he tells you is real and how much is just what he thinks you want to hear to make him a great guy in your eyes.

[journeynow]

Guys will (almost) always be looking at other women. Those who aren't are lying about it.

 

If that is giving him doubts then I don't think he's in a position of maturity that would support serious long-term commitments. That said, I think that talking to him would probably yield much more positive results for you.

I'm with Dragunov-21 on this. I don't think it is a crime to have doubts 3 months in to a relationship. People WILL be attracted to other people, and he's doing honest self-questioning about it. Do you need a long-term commitment at this point? Or are you asking for exclusivity? Would that be for sexual reasons? The important thing is to let HIM talk, let him feel safe enough to talk.

 

I'm older than many people who post on eNA, and I ponder the role of exclusivity that people seem to expect EARLY in a relationship. I understand it's importance because of sex, but it seems that sex itself puts extra pressure on a relationship to be restrictive too soon.

[bulletproof]

He is allowed to express doubts about his relationship, privately, to friends. You invaded that privacy.

It has only been three months. You should be more concerned that everything moved so quickly- it seems to be too much, too fast.

If I were you, I would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell him that you don't want to be with someone who is having doubts.

Up to you whether you say you went in his phone- I personally would be pretty annoyed by that, but maybe he won't, I don't know.

[bulletproof]

 

He's a liar and a cheater and he's totally wrong.

How exactly is he a cheater?

[shelty24]

Woah I just realized this is a new relationship. This guy is obviously one of those who is used to casual sex and old habits die hard! If hes thinking this way now then you do have a potential cheater on your hands. I would walk now

[tosmileagain]

He is allowed to express doubts about his relationship, privately, to friends. You invaded that privacy.

It has only been three months. You should be more concerned that everything moved so quickly- it seems to be too much, too fast.

If I were you, I would sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Tell him that you don't want to be with someone who is having doubts.

Up to you whether you say you went in his phone- I personally would be pretty annoyed by that, but maybe he won't, I don't know.

 

Yes of course he can express doubts about his relationships to his friends, I totally agree. But he should have done the same thing to me too, I even asked him about it and he lied.

 

Even though the relationship is 3 months; he has been knowing me and in love with me for a year, that's why he has come up to me with serious settling down confessions. However, he is not living up to his words lately. And that message showed the reality which he should have been honest about towards me.

[tosmileagain]

Woah I just realized this is a new relationship. This guy is obviously one of those who is used to casual sex and old habits die hard! If hes thinking this way now then you do have a potential cheater on your hands. I would walk now

 

He usually is a casual guy in relationships.

He said that he had fallen in love with a girl 4 years ago but he was cheated on and ended it.

He also said that this is the second time he has fallen in love, that I have reseted everyone, I'm his biggest catch ever and when you find the one you know etc.

So it sucks to be in this situation after all these confessions. He kept saying please fall in love with me too, you are my life now and your happiness is my duty.

All these things makes his pulling away and seeing such a message even worse.

[tosmileagain]

Thanks everyone for replying. As you can see I'm in a situation that sucks, and your comments are very appreciated.

 

One part of me thinks: He has been after me all this time, wanted me to fall in love with him too, that he will always do his best to make me happy. I gave him a chance, trusted him and fell deeply in love with him... Only to be treated this way? He shouldnt have pulled away like this, being confused about other women when he had me. Or even if he had, he should have been honest with me, cuz I did ask him about it and wanted him to tell the truth no matter the result. I had seen a video about how women keep accepting the wrong guys, and I'm afraid I might be doing that too if I don't break up with him (the idea is very painful

 

But one part of me thinks: This relationship is very new. Having doubts may be normal. Just give him time before I re-mention that I feel as if he is not that interested anymore.

 

I'm just so confused. I think I'm going to talk to him, one last chat before deciding to end it for good. I will say that lately it hasn't been working cuz he is distant compared to before. I wont mention seeing the message of course. And I'm gonna see how he will react.

[oneK]

I wont mention seeing the message of course.

 

Not really fair to expect complete honesty from him but not do him the same courtesy. The cat is out of the bag already, there's little value in withholding thoughts or feelings now. If you want to move forward together or apart with some peace in your heart and mind, rather be completely open and have the difficult conversation now. It will be hard for a few days but much easier in the long-term

[ParisPaulette]

I think at the three-month mark what's happened is that he had a massive crush on you for a year. He was in love with the idea of you and that fueled his early actions. Now however reality has caught up to him and having obtained what he longed for so long he's finding it to be not quite what he expected or wanted. Three months is nothing even though you both have known each other for longer, but it is long enough to know that at this stage of the relationship the feelings should be deepening. Not his reaction. And the lack of honesty on his part is troubling as is the fact that you had to go looking to find the answers on your own and snoop on his phone to find it.

 

None of these things add up to a good future for this relationship. And it also may be he's the type who just can't sustain a relationship. He may know he should, he may want to, but you can't make him feel something he doesn't. He will likely beg and plead for you to give him another chance, but I don't really think it will serve you or him any better. It sounds like he's honestly been more in love with the idea of you than he is with you in real life, day to day. He will likely keep after you, because he'll keep hoping that somehow he will get those feelings back or he'll fall in love with you after all etc. But this is the honeymoon stage of the relationship, he should be over the moon that he finally has you loving him back after pining over you for a year. Not complaining to someone else about what he should have come to you and stated openly.

 

Yes, he probably didn't, because he feels like an a** for thinking for so long that it would all be perfect. And now that he has it he's finding out it's not what he thought it would be or that he doesn't feel as strongly as he did. But still he should have been honest about it all and just told you the truth. And you shouldn't have had to snoop to get the truth either. So no, I vote you be completely honest and then tell him that at the three-month mark if it's already going to this route then it won't likely get better. And do tell him about the phone message you saw since that will always eat at you and you need to keep your own integrity and honesty in place. Also it lets him know the cat is out of the bag and he can't try to excuse away his actions, besides he deserves your complete honesty too.

 

More communication, not less. And please don't accept his protestations that he can learn to love you or other excuses, because they will be just that, excuses. Sometimes we get what we want and we find out it wasn't what we wanted after all. I think this is one of those situations and as badly as it sucks I think you and he will both be far better off to come clean to each other then move on. Otherwise I think this will continue to be a problem until one or both of you pull the plug and that may not happen until some very bitter experiences have come to pass.

[Dragunov-21]

Woah I just realized this is a new relationship. This guy is obviously one of those who is used to casual sex and old habits die hard! If hes thinking this way now then you do have a potential cheater on your hands. I would walk now

 

I would just love to know where you got this from. Couldn't be that you're making things up again out of whole cloth again to make this thread fit your narrow perspective/expectations, right?

 

If he thinks things are not going well with you, but isn't honest enough to raise them with you and instead tells his friend, this doesn't bode well for your relationship. Even without the other girls.

 

The thing is, three months in, with young people (

 

It's perfectly normal for someone to seek out their friends as advisors or walls to bounce things off. Most girls I know aren't mature enough to respond with "Ok, things aren't going so well, how do we fix this?" rather than "Ohgodhedoesn'tloveme ~freakout~". Not to say that guys of the same age are much more mature, but still, I can understand why he went to a friend rather than bringing it up with OP immediately. There's gotta be an amnesty period on these things.

[bulletproof]

Not really fair to expect complete honesty from him but not do him the same courtesy. The cat is out of the bag already, there's little value in withholding thoughts or feelings now. If you want to move forward together or apart with some peace in your heart and mind, rather be completely open and have the difficult conversation now. It will be hard for a few days but much easier in the long-term

 

OP, I agree that it is unfair for you to expect him to be honest when you don't plan on being honest. I also think that many people would be liars if they said that they never discussed their relationships with friends, including expressing doubts. Just because it was a written message doesn't make it any different. Yes, he should have told you, but he clearly wasn't ready to yet, because he was unsure, and that's why he discusses it with others. I really don't see how that's wrong.

[oneK]

This question of doubt early in a relationship is a tricky one and I wish there was a clear answer. When trying to figure this out before, my mom once said to me that it's impossible to tell the future based on current feelings of certainty or doubt - many people who had initial doubts went on to have long happy marriages, while we all know couples where everything felt perfect in the early stages, only to have things fall apart later.

 

Still, I think there is a subtle distinction between different kinds of doubts. There is a difference between 'not being sure' and having a 'no' feeling. There's also a difference between having doubts about the core connection and feeling between you and your partner, vs doubts about circumstances. e.g. having doubts about a LDR with a person you otherwise feel really good about.

 

The problem is, only the doubtful partner holds the truth about which kind of doubt it is. We only have outside behaviour patterns to go on. In the OP's case, I really think that him pulling away and wondering what it would be like with other women is a sign that this particular doubt means the core connection is no longer there. It's not impossible that things would work out in the long term but IMO, not very likely.