My Boyfriend Needs To Explore Feelings For His Ex -

[PearlHarbor]

I'm devastated. I've found the love of my life and we've been very happily together for a mere 3 months. He's brought me into his family, meeting his kids, his family, and his ex-wife (who is a lesbian). I was welcomed in by all of them and love them very deeply.

 

I also trust this man. Very much. So when he went out with his ex for drinks I had no worry. Only to find out she said she wanted him back, kissed him, and all these residual feelings started flowing back. She broke up with him over a year ago because she didn't like his situation (he was still sharing the house with his ex-wife). He also told me she didnt like the relationship with him and his ex-wife (she's a lesbian and in a new relationship!). She's divorced, 10 years younger than him and apparently has trust issues. She also knew he was in a new happy relationship. (they were together for only about 10 months)

 

I can't imagine she's the devil (or at least trying not to do so) as he is a good guy who surrounds himself with good people. Like me. He's been completely honest with me. I gave him a week of time and space to think about what he's choosing. He still says he loves me but needs to explore these feelings. There's nothing I can do to convince him otherwise or else he will be resentful towards me. (despite the fact i'm feeling very resentful towards him). I know I need to let him go despite the pain. I want one last breakup sex with him for some closure for me - and yes to remind him how amazing our sex is. As I've been meditating through the time ive given him to think about it (sadly, having a gut feeling he'd choose her) I created this most amazing fantasy that I I want to share/do with him. Yes, I want breakup sex.

 

I know i'm opening up for more hurt, and at the same time accepting that I have to let him go (not necessarily that it's over). I'ts my way of my personal control (not controlling him) I would have for myself since he was the one who controlled and unexpectedly dropped the bomb on me about wanting to get back with her.

[SpottiOtti]

I think you are not being honest with yourself about your true motives for wanting to have sex with him again.

 

Would it surprise you to know that in this situation, some people would break it off and move on immediately if the person they were dating had to explore feelings for someone else before committing to them? If the connection was truly that strong between you, and he was "the love of your life", would he even need to explore feelings for his ex?

[savignon]

I think it can sound like a very good idea in your fantasy, but in reality, imagine being naked with him and knowing he's "thinking about" whether or not he's actually interested in you. Would that be satisfying sex for you? You know he's kissing this other woman and still has feelings for her...my guess is that you would end up feeling desperate and like you had degraded yourself, lowered your standards, embarrassed yourself and made a desperate attempt at your expense to remind him of what he already knows...that you're pretty cool.

Honestly in your shoes I wouldn't even give him the option of "picking me". After the initial conversation where he expressed feelings for his ex, I would have wished him well with her or whatever he ends up doing in life. That would without a doubt be my exit sign.

[CeeLambrini]

You shouldn't need to convince him with sex that you are the one for him. By "letting him explore his feelings" and still being willing to be intimate with him you are showing a lack of respect for yourself, giving evidence that you are willing to do anything to keep him. He doesn't deserve that, and he doesn't deserve you. Walk away with your head held high - I can't support the need to use sex to try and keep a guy in love with you. That alone is not going to work if he has his heart set on someone else.

[pl3asehelp]

You need to drop the idea you can use sex as a control mechanism. That's toxic and will guarantee unhappiness.

[PearlHarbor]

I'm being completely honest with myself knowing the reasons I want to have one last sex with him. It's partial control and yes, partial reminding him how amazing our sex is. And you are right, CeeLambrini - we already did have sex the time he told me she said she wanted him back and he needed to think about it. I didn't want to have sex, but it was so hard to say no. Afterwards, then he says "now you're making it more difficult". Yes, I know he doesn't deserve me. It's me who is now more in love with him despite the fact he chased me from the start. I was happily dating someone else and he grew on me.

 

I know that having sex with him is not keeping him in love with me.

[savignon]

I know that having sex with him is not keeping him in love me me.

 

If he were in love with you, this wouldn't be happening.

Do what you need to do, but you will likely have to deal with some very negative feelings about yourself afterwards (especially after he chooses her anyway) and its completely 100% preventable to feel like sh** about yourself in this case.

[Kendahke]

but what are you prepared to do when the sex doesn't change his mind? He may be having just as amazing sex with the ex, hence his wanting to go in that direction instead of yours? You can't sex a man into a relationship he doesnt' want to be in. When it's done and he's putting on his clothes to go and is telling you that you need to get on with your life, will having the sex still be a good idea, or will you feel foolish and used?

[Blue_Skirt]

Why do you not have more respect for yourself ?

[PearlHarbor]

Blue_Skirt. You are right.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, after only 3 months together, you don't really know him as well as you seem to think you do, and the bond obviously isn't 'love of his life' for him or he wouldn't be contemplating going back to the ex. I think that sadly you were his rebound because his ex dumped him, and now that she wants him back, you'll be toast.

 

So let him go... you got very excited very soon, and need to take it as a caution to not have permanent expectations from anyone after only a few months of dating. And sadly if he is choosing her, then you basically have no 'control' over him at all. So you are better off just ending it immediately if he tells you he's chosen her. I think the 'one last bang' will be more sad/embarrassing than you think it will be and could turn into a clinging/weeping session which isn't to your advantage or his. And he may not even agree to it if he's already decided to go with her, so you'll be very embarrassed if you ask for it and he tells you no.

[savignon]

I think the 'one last bang' will be more sad/embarrassing than you think it will be and could turn into a clinging/weeping session which isn't to your advantage or his. And he may not even agree to it if he's already decided to go with her, so you'll be very embarrassed if you ask for it and he tells you no.

 

Well-said. I would add humiliating.

[PearlHarbor]

I just want to know how someone can be in love with two people at the same time!

And appreciating the honesty of the interwebs. Holding up a mirror.

[Lavender25]

I agree with everything everyone else has said here. Your line of thinking doesn't seem very healthy and if you go through with it you will feel like **** afterwards. It's doormat behavior.

 

Also, I'm not sure I understood completely, but I'm not sure how things can work out with him and his ex if she is not supportive of his ex-wife's lesbian lifestyle when there is children involved. Doesn't seem like that can work out... but that doesn't mean it is a green-light for you either. I'm not as strong as I would like to be, but I would hope that if a man told me in the beginning stages of a relationship that he needed to "think about" whether he liked me better than his ex that I would be strong enough to walk away.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm being completely honest with myself knowing the reasons I want to have one last sex with him. It's partial control and yes, partial reminding him how amazing our sex is.

 

If you were being honest with yourself, as well as accepting that it's over, you would not feel the need to remind him how amazing the sex was between the two of you.

 

You're adding insult to injury by ignoring your sense of self respect.

[mhowe]

This will end the same way as your user name... complete annilation of your self respect, self esteem and dignity.

[savignon]

I just want to know how someone can be in love with two people at the same time!

And appreciating the honesty of the interwebs. Holding up a mirror.

 

He is not in love with you. When you're in love you don't waffle. I agree you'd be adding insult to injury (to *yourself* which makes it even worse)

[Rosebud]

Hi,

I know how you feel and i know how all of this feels. I also understand the need for wanting to have sex with him again, i think feelings of jealousy spark a passion that you want to express and it's all about ego. I have been there and done the same thing.

 

I was with someone since May last year, on and off, the first few months were great, similar to your situation, he was the one who chased and pushed for intimacy and was obsessive with it (wanting to meet me and see me all the time). I was initially quite indifferent. Then my emotions developed, we both felt very strongly for each other. But after a while he started to act a little bit selfish, saying he's going through and been through a lot recently and needs to take a step back to figure out what it is that he wants. This made him hot and cold to an extreme. He was either telling me he wanted kids with me and imagining me as his wife (i also met his family and we all got along), or he was telling me that he couldn't be in a relationship.... I would get sick of it and walk away, only to be reeled back in. It became like a pattern after a while and unhealthy too. I think you're doing the right thing by not expressing your resentment or being pushy - it's incredibly tough not to break in these situations and i think it's amazing that you're able to accept things- because that is honestly the best thing you can do.

 

Essentially what the bottom line is here is that people can just get very confused sometimes. He is being entirely selfish and he doesn't sound like he is in a position to commit right now (not to you and most probably not to her either, because he's been flaky). I would just leave things be and let him experience life without you.

 

My ex has come back after a couple of months of no contact, saying that he realised he didnt want option B after all. After all that. After all that pain i experienced, my tears weren't worth it. I'm quite closed off with him at the moment, I can't just have my arms open readily! HE didn't feel everything i felt, so it's easy for him to just act affectionate again, as if nothing happened.

Like your ex, he too has always been pretty honest with me so i can't say i am angry because he hasn't been shady with me. My ego has been restored. But i do feel a bit taken for granted.

 

With regards to having sex with him again, I wouldn't outright initiate it in case it doesn't work out, but if you meet him and it happens the way you want it to, then fine, why not at least you'll know what it's like. I've done it before, and i can't say it's as extremely damaging as some make it out to be. As long as it is just the once. I think it becomes extremely damaging when it becomes a pattern, bt the one off break up sex can be quite cathartic i find. That's just how i feel personally, i'm not encouraging anything. I think if you don't do it, you're probably better off as the the other posters say, as there is less risk. All I'm saying is if you do, i would understand it and i dont think it makes you a fool, it just makes you human.

 

And given my story, maybe one day YOU will be the ex he wants to return to 'explore' those feelings with. Have this at the back of your mind. But your priority should be accepting and moving on because trying to speculate is going to exhaust you.

[PearlHarbor]

Rosebud. Your words are helpful. Very much so. I've chased other men (nay, BOYS) only to hurt myself because I knew deep down they didn't have reciprocal feelings for me. This relationship (short as it may have been) was real. And reciprocal. So, in the first case with the boys I had no business chasing (yeah, musicians in LA, enough said), my ego was really crushed because I was chasing something I shouldn't have. Having little to no respect for myself in that chase. In my current situation, I was confident. I let him chase me. I was mature. We had open and honest communication and I would tell him often that I loved what we had, how he made me feel, that I was happy with him, and thanked him for making me feel like an equal with him. There was no baiting or immature teasing some couples have. It was the most mature relationship I've been in. That being said, I know this time, I've done NOTHING wrong. I was 100% me. Confident. Comfortable. Me.

 

The mere fact I'm sharing the thoughts of breakup sex and saying it outloud to my "interweb peers" and getting the feedback I'm getting is really making me think. I know in the end, the choice is mine and I own what I would be going through if we have sex. And yes, I do feel taken for granted. Very much so. (He's even said to me that he hasn't thought of things like he's thought of about me with any other woman - like seeing me permanently in his future. Yes, I realize that it likely BS right now since what's the reason he's choosing to explore these feelings with his ex? He also said his son is going to be most upset as he was 100% in my camp - not this new ex). (Go ahead, commenters, yes, I know i'm being fed rainbows and unicorns)

 

I have therapy tonight anyway. This is helpful. Thanks again, Rosebud!

[savignon]

How much time have you given him to make this decision? Or is just as long as he needs?

[Rosebud]

That being said, I know this time, I've done NOTHING wrong. I was 100% me. Confident. Comfortable. Me.

 

I think you should remind yourself of this every day and it is fantastic that you have this mindset. He has seen you at your best and so you have absolutely nothing to regret. One of the most important thing to do after someone leaves you is NOT to self-blame, and you are one step ahead by realising already that you have done nothing wrong here. He is the one with the issues and the confusion. The best thing you can do right now is leave him to his confusion and feel sorry for him for being so indecisive and weak to return to his ex.

 

It is likely that what he told you wasn't BS, it was likely true AT THE TIME based on his feelings AT THE TIME and that's how he will defend his words and actions as having been sincere.

 

Once the pain goes away i think you'll be glad to have experienced a mature relationship, so don't mourn it's loss for too long, these are all important life lessons.

 

As a side note, whilst i agree that men should initiate and chase, i tend to go for men who do this to an extreme (because it gives me faith that they really want this and limits chances of disappointment). But upon reflection, I think a happy medium is better. Because if you go for a man who is very persistent at the start, they usually fall short later... they can't keep the bar that high and tend to go up and down with it. I don't know, they're just my 2 cents!

[PearlHarbor]

Well, when he first told me that she wanted him back and was shocked that these feelings he had for her were so strong and needed to think about it, I gave him the weekend (after having amazing sex 2x with him where he said that was making it more difficult - i should have walked then). He made his decision and told me on the phone after the weekend. Needless to say, I was angry at him. We then spoke again on Wednesday when he claimed to be exceptionally conflicted and new the monumental consequences of his decision (i know, posters, easy to say here "you should have run away"). Then he asked for more time and with that time I knew that he was going back to his original decision. We haven't spoken yet as I gave him his space and time and he texted last night if he could see me. I know his answer but I need to hear it from him in person.

 

So, he goes back to her - someone who already dumped and hurt him because she didn't like his situation (which has since changed). He'll sadly learn the hard way. (or not....)

[PearlHarbor]

I think you should remind yourself of this every day and it is fantastic that you have this mindset. He has seen you at your best and so you have absolutely nothing to regret. !

 

Thanks again Rosebud. I feel like we could be friends! I read your other postings and know you are struggling with similar emotions. Sounds like we have somewhat level heads and can see what it's all about. Even tho we're reaching out to strangers on the interwebs. :subdued:

[Rosebud]

Haha I agree! It's funny isn't it. Just goes to show how many people struggle and land in similar circumstances. This is why i can say i promise that it will get better. Give it some time and distance, you'll be much more detached after 1-2 months.

 

And leave the 'should have' 's alone. Don't regret anything. There is really no point and what you did at the time was what you wanted so there's no value in wishing you stopped talking to him earlier, etc. just remember that the outcome would have been the same ultimately. he will just go and do what he wants. I'm sorry to say so but men like this are very conflicted and this makes them act very selfish. He will maybe realise when it's too late.

[PearlHarbor]

And leave the 'should have' 's alone. Don't regret anything.

Thanks. Yes, my therapist says "don't "should" all over yourself". I try and keep that mantra. I am doing a much better job of living in the now after the self-inflicted heart ache from chasing an LA musician! (I should know better!)

 

Yes, this current man is exceptionally selfish. And while I'm doing my best not to throw stones at her, I find what she did also exceptionally selfish. (Dare I say, alls fair in love and war? and it SUCKS!)

 

I'm looking forward to 1-2 months from now. Sort of. I mean I'm saying it, but there's nothing happy about me right now. (First I need to have the final conversation with him tomorrow. I'm prepared for what he has to say and pretty much have taken the BreakUp sex idea off the table for now.)