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Is something missing or am I self-sabotaging?


Bookish26

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I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 5 months ago and it was really hard for me - he made the decision to end things very suddenly and I cared a lot about him. Fast-forward a few months (three to be exact) and I met a new guy who I started dating. He's sweet and smart and very cute and we have a ton in common (probably more than I had with my ex). We have a great sex life and he gets along with my friends. It's basically everything I said I wanted out of a relationship when things went south with my ex. The only problem is that, while I DO like him and find him attractive, I don't get that head-over-heels feeling that I got with my ex. My friends tell me that sometimes it takes a few months to start falling for someone new. But I keep worrying that maybe there's something missing. We've been seeing each other for 7 weeks now and I'm having trouble figuring out if something is missing from the relationship or if I'm self-sabotaging because I'm not completely over my ex. (For example, after having particularly mind-blowing sex, my first thought was that I missed my ex. That seems kind of messed up to me? Like maybe I'm subconsciously keeping that old relationship close so I don't get too close to the new guy). Anyway, any insights you all might have would be greatly appreciated. Have any of you ever gone through something similar?

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No. I've taken the time to process out the end of my relationships before getting involved with someone new.

 

How would you feel if your new guy was doing to you what you're doing to him? Would you appreciate it?

 

If you're pining for your ex after having had mind blowing sex with this new sweet, smart and very cute new boyfriend you have a ton in common with, probably more than you did with your ex, then you're not over your ex and this new guy is nothing more than a rebound you're using. It's not fair to him. You need to break up with him until you can figure out who you want to be with.

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^^^ Agree and will add:

I don't get that head-over-heels feeling that I got with my ex.
Well, it seems your ex didn't get that "head-over-heels" feeling with you or he wouldn't have ended it.

 

Yes, I think you're self-sabotaging. Things that burn fast, tend to burn OUT just as quickly. Why don't you exorcise your ex from your thoughts and mind, quit comparing and come to terms with the fact that he didn't want you. Then and only then can you give this new relationship the attention that it deserves. Right now you're just going through the motions if your still comparing. Stop comparing Lust and passion (what you call head over heals) with love. You'll never have anything long term, reciprocal and long lasting if you don't.

 

Good luck, I say give this good man you are with the proper chance he deserves.

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You need to stop comparing him to your ex. They are two different individuals. You need to stop comparing the two relationships. What you had with your ex was probably not build in a few weeks and you were a different person back then. Relationships take time to build. In my opinion, mind-blowing sex should never be underestimated I am pretty sure that what you feel about your ex right now is pretty much blown out of proportion by the 'wanting what you can't have' factor and a tendency to idealize the past that most people have in such situations. You don't get that head-over-heels feeling because you were recently hurt, not because your ex was better i.e. this relationship is taking place in different/more difficult circumstances than the previous one. Your new guy sounds like a catch. If I were you I would try to enjoy the moment and try not to compare the past to the present.

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I feel like I can speak from the other side of things--I recently dated a guy for the same amount of time as you. Throughout our time together, I got the sense that he had recently gotten out of a serious relationship. After two months of dating, he told me that the chemistry was off, and ended it. While we were together, I felt like we had a lot of fun and quite a bit in common. However, I don't think he was totally ready for a relationship. It sucks that the timing was off, b/c I feel like things might have been different if he had been over his ex and ready for a new relationship.

 

I think until you are TOTALLY and COMPLETELY over our ex, you will continue to meet great guys, but it won't work out and you will be losing out on something that could be fantastic. Give yourself some more time to heal.

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