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PTSD ,Out of Darkness Into The Sun: My Recovery


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Either EM DR is working or I need some critical work still in the numbness department. But the only trauma that I seem to have any emotional attachment to is the death of Liam. We did cover that in EM DR but it hasn't totally erased the feelings about that. Every other trauma no longer has any emotional attachment to it. And in that way I can examine it critically.


I am much less of an angry person though. That angry filter is gone unless people push situations in my face. But if you push nasty situations in someone's face it is natural to be angry.


But just getting rid of that angry filter is such a gigantic improvement I can't even tell you. It is so nice not to be overflowing emotion and anger 24 hours a day.

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I think it is the EDMR as to why I no longer have an emotional connection to any of that trauma. What EDMR does, is it allows the brain to sort memories into areas of the brain where they belong. It allows the brain to effectively put them in the past. What happens in PTSD is the brain is damaged in such a way that it cannot sort memories properly. And they get stored all over in different parts of the brain where they don't belong. And it keeps the memories and the emotions that those memories create in the present. EDMR will not take away the memories but it puts them in the brain in places where it has little to no effect on the present.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My anxiety and panic has been a little crippling lately. I can't even control my eyes. My eyestrain is so bad I literally can't focus. A lot of the time I just have to keep my eyes shut. The only time I can actually focus my eyes is when I take my medication. I don't want to go that route but I might have to.


Didn't go to my volunteering yesterday because I just couldn't face doing it.

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  • 1 month later...

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It really kind of explains why I am a pretty protective in fact really overprotective parent. I am very hypervigilant about protecting myself and him. I know that is part of the reason why he has anxiety. About my hyper vigilance he just says "mom, you're cracked." We joke about my PTSD symptoms because it's easier to handle that way.

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Hope that I have found my method to allow me to travel. If I have my method in my mind I can take it anywhere . I just take my mind back to when I was kick ass tough. I take myself back to my army experiences where nobody could best me and I was the most resilient I have ever been. I faced some pretty scary experiences and was able to overcome. I just keep a steady stream of my badass girl stories in my mind. This method seems to be working.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Symptoms I live with



"Dissociative amnesia. The main symptom of this disorder is memory loss that's more severe than normal forgetfulness and that can't be explained by a medical condition. You can't recall information about yourself or events and people in your life, especially from a traumatic time. Dissociative amnesia can be specific to events in a certain time, such as intense combat, or more rarely, can involve complete loss of memory about yourself. It may sometimes involve travel or confused wandering away from your life (dissociative fugue). An episode of amnesia may last minutes, hours, or, rarely, months or years."


"Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years."

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"Some people with PTSD who were assaulted will have nightmares of being chased, and the person chasing them in the dream might not be the person who assaulted them."


I had never seen that before. But it makes perfect sense to me. For 35 years I had dreams of people chasing me and trying to kill me.

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"Why do I have flashbacks and upsetting intrusive thoughts?

When you live through a traumatic experience, your mind processes and stores the memory a little differently than it stores regular experiences. Sensory information about the trauma, that is, smells, sights, sounds, tastes, and the feel of things, is given high priority in the mind, and is remembered as something threatening. Once this happens, whenever you are faced with a touch, a taste, a smell, a feel, or a sight that reminds you of your trauma, the memory (and the feeling of threat) comes back up and you might have vivid memories or flashbacks about the trauma. This is just the way the mind works. It is not dangerous or a sign that you are going crazy."

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