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PTSD ,Out of Darkness Into The Sun: My Recovery


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Guilt and shame will murder your body. The chemicals in your body that are released as result of guilt and shame will tear your body to pieces. It creates chronic pain in all parts of your body. It creates joint damage. It creates swelling. It creates migraines. It creates gastrointestinal issues. It creates suffering.


Every time I have an opportunity to enjoy something in life my body makes sure I will never enjoy it. Take for instance my trip this weekend we leave Friday morning and what happens today ? My knee blows up like a balloon. That is guilt in action. To make sure that I endlessly suffer.


Guilt becomes it's own entity and part of your body.

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One thing I have noticed throughout my life is , if someone goes out of their way to hurt me whether privately or publicly I am on guard with them for forever. I can tell what is done maliciously and what is not done maliciously. What is done not maliciously I can forgive and forget. If you do something maliciously though don't expect me to ever forget it while I may forgive it.


This is something that developed in me after childhood.


My mother said I was a very high-spirited child but very very sweet and very easily hurt . She said after 13 I was never the same. I was still always kind and very easily hurt but I was very different. My innocence and joie de vivre had been taken away.


And I think it is still gone. Is that permanent? I don't know.

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So I wake up this morning with the idea ,yeah yeah yeah yeah my sometimes paranoia is interrelated with my PTSD. And it is not even really paranoia. Because paranoia is based in something illogical and not in fact. These fears have in fact been founded before. I just have to get it through my head that not everybody is an a hole . I am always paranoid (well no it's not paranoid) in relationships. And it doesn't matter what relationship that is either. I am always hypervigilant waiting for that big screw job. The only relationship which doesn't hold this hypervigilance is the one with my child. And this is really not fair to other people. It is almost never in the forefront of my mind but it is in the back of my mind constantly waiting. I guess that is something to bring up with my counselor when I see her on the 20th.

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My mother said I've always been afraid of dying from the time I was really small. My therapist thinks it's connected to people coming and going in my infancy. To the time when my parents broke up when I was-year-old and I went to live with my grandparents. The change in the bond with my parents obviously she said made a very large impact. And the fact that I never saw my father for an entire year that one day he was there and one day he was just gone. And then I got bonded to my grandparents and then went back to my parents. And my parents getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together breaking up over the course of my young life. She said obviously that cause a lot of havoc on my infant mind. Yet my mother insisted I was happy. She said you loved your grandparents ,they loved you and I saw you every day after work. You were perfectly fine.


You have to wonder who was right.

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