Seraphim Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 [video=youtube_share;BZ4MbKeiwUE] ] Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Replace sister with niece and you get how vicious my uncle was. And replace son with brother. And replace adult woman with child.[video=youtube_share;qUcMohewjvI] I submitted to save my brother's life. He told me, " I will kill that little b and your father too. You respond to me and you LOVE me or I will kill him before your eyes." Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 [video=youtube_share;M1N5Yk0HM1Q] ] Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 I am crushed under the weight of being overwhelmed today. I actually feel physically compressed and crushed. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 I am so fed up of having to live like this. It is absolutely ridiculous. I just can't put up with it anymore. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 My former neighbour passed away. He was such a sweet guy. His wife was R's lunch lady in grade school. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 5, 2014 Author Share Posted August 5, 2014 Very severe flash flooding in the city of my birth. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 Thank you Krystal. For being you and for being there. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 [video=youtube_share;g1NOXanWRW8] ] It is the loneliest way to live. Inside your mind. NO ONE GETS IT. Do I want them to? Nah screw it. Tired of trying. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 While my recent panic and anxiety is really driving me batty I know I have skills and I absolutely see a light at the end of this tunnel I no longer feel hopeless in that aspect. So I absolutely know that this will come to an end. I know I will be battling this my whole life but it's okay. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 Today has hit me hard. My husband used to be an Argyll. The same unit the young Cpl was from. When I saw the news cast of him being loaded into the ambulance and the way his hand flopped it set off in memory of seeing my Liam's hand and I just started screaming," NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!" My hands on my head and I started rocking and rocking while screaming. My husband just held me . I have been bursting into tears on and off all day. I have crushing pressure in my chest. I did manage to make it to work to keep it ok for the kids. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Some days I have to take a pill just to take the edge off of the crazy factor. It is hard to explain but when I have those bad nights of sleep it feels like you are not asleep but you really are. It is a weird sense of being in the moment or feeling you are in the moment but really you're not. It is like an altered state of reality even while you're asleep. And at the same time it feels like little spiders are running around on top of your brain inside your skull. That feeling persists even when you wake up. And you feel so agitated and annoyed you could beat somebody silly for the slightest offence. Those days I just like to stay away from people. And usually once I take my medication that feeling goes away ,thankfully. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 And really it's my son that is the only one that can find a way of giving the comfort that I need. When I have a hard day he always knows what to say and what to do. He just gives me a big hug and says it's okay mom. I know you are a little broken but you're still the best mom in the world. You give out your best to the world every day and then some. I know it's hard ,mom when you've been so hurt. But you gave me the best and most stable life a kid could ask for. I love you. You are a great role model. " Link to comment
Seraphim Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 Another case today of mild agitated brain. SIGH. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 "Kryptonite" I took a walk around the world To ease my troubled mind I left my body lying somewhere In the sands of time But I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon After all I knew it had to be Something to do with you I really don’t mind what happens now and then As long as you’ll be my friend at the end If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, will you be There a-holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite You called me strong, you called me weak, But still your secrets I will keep You took for granted all the times I never let you down You stumbled in and bumped your head, If not for me then you'd be dead I picked you up and put you back on solid ground If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I’m alive and well, will you be there Holding my hand I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite Yeah!! If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman If I'm alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand I'll keep you by my side With my superhuman might Kryptonite Oh, whoa, whoa Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Reading a thread recently on here I think I know what fuels the rage that I have for my dad, aside from the other stuff that he did that I have mentioned. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Should I go back to therapy for that I don't know. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 [video=youtube_share;m3lSLLklu7Q] ] Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Whole family of weird dysfunctional crap. I'm so happy I don't have to live this on an every day basis. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 So my mom text me just to keep bringing it up....... Her: Honey I recommend that you go talk to your counsellor. This dad thing has returned you to your former behaviour" Me don't need a counselor because I'm mad for a day Her: It is just a suggestion since it makes you so mad and you get mad at others including me who has nothing to do with this. It is not fair to others who love you.others have no control over what your dad does Me I get mad at you because you defend stupid Candy. When should mind her own business. MY aunts have nothing whatever to do with her. And two when I mention that Dad treats me like dog crap you bring up the point he treated you like dog crap too. The point is you chose to be treated like dog crap.I didn't pick my dad. You picked my dad. I had no choice in who my dad is. And a romantic relationship and a parental relationship in no way equate to each other. You can walk away from thisI can't. Her you can walk from dad if all he does is a abuse you. You told me the counsellor said you don't have to put up with him Me just want you to stop defending Candy because she's a grown-up she's a big girl she's 44 she can make correct decisions she chooses not to. Don't want to hear the boo-hoo story of her life all the time after a while it becomes extremely tedious for her crappy choices. I'm sorry she can't get her stuff together but she's crapping on my life by not having correct boundaries. And I don't like you defending her over me. Her: Well that is up to you. But I do know the difference between a romantic relationship and one with your parents I am not a moron or someone who just dropped off the bus.so don't treat me that way Me All I'm saying is stop defending her. She is making her choices and she can't keep using her boo-hoo life for her messed up choices. Her honey. It I'm sure god would want you to have more sympathy for a poor creature like candy Me doesn't have any sympathy for what she does to me. I have already told her how much this makes me angry. Her ,she can't remember who she is half the time. How can she remember what you said Dad loves creating shyte everywhere he goes and he knows poor and pathetic as well Me I am not talking about this anymore. Both her and Dad can go f their hat. If anybody wants information about dad they can phone the hospital themselves or talk to him. Her there you go and dad will be going to the hospital every three weeks til the day he dies as D says it is free food and attention Me D can find out his own information I want nothing to do with this ever again and don't ever anybody ask me to ever play the middleman for any reason Blah blah blah Anyway I told her I'm never discussing this again and don't ever anybody ever make me the middleman. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Then my mom went to talk on about inane stupid crap. About how I used to love to play outside in the snow when I was little. How I would stay outside until I was so cold I was stiff and my lips were blue. I just said hey mom I don't want to talk right now okay I'll talk to you later. Just leave me alone for a while. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I will just have to communicate to my mom if I am in a PTSD fueled rage please just don't talk to me. Just leave me alone. I spent the entire day in my room yesterday and asked people to leave me alone. For the most part I am 1000% better. This does not mean I'm cured and never going to get into a PTSD fueled rage ever again. I don't know how many times I have to say this I will never be 100% better. My PTSD carried on for far too long untreated and now it's become very complex. I spent 35 years with untreated PTSD how do you feel that that's ever going to be 100% better???????? If I ask you to leave me alone that's what that means it means leave .me .the .hell .alone. I don't want to hear anyone's drivel ,explanations and excuses I don't want to hear any of that. I don't want to hear their voice ,I don't want to read their text .I don't .want .anybody .in. my .space. I cannot control my rage in those instances and is probably best for your safety to leave me alone. If I have retreated it's best for my safety and best for yours. It is a coping mechanism and you don't have to like it you need to piss off. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Wow!! 6 hours of back breaking work in -24 C . No more anger in this girl. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Sometimes I feel like people think oh good you went to therapy so you're never going to have a misjudgment again ,you're never going to be angry again you're just going to be perfect. It doesn't work this way. I'm going to have relapses and that's fine. That is human. I'm going to have difficulties for the rest of my life. I have been told this ,I know this. No one can take the abuse I've been given and be totally better that's impossible. That doesn't mean that I can't try that doesn't mean that I can't be a lot better. People just have to stop expecting perfection. They have to stop expecting that I'm going to be 100% better. They have to stop expecting that I'm going to be a different person. I am also a wonderful person. I have a very warm and generous heart. I freely give to anyone who needs it. I am kind and I am sweet. I am loving. I am dedicated and passionate and intense. So see those things about me too. I am a complex multi dimensional person. I'm passionate and intense in everything I do and every relationship I have. If you are my friend or my loved one I give you everything. I give you all the good and the bad about me. But more often than not I feel I give the good about myself. So give me a chance to be a real person and not this fictitious vision of perfection that you have in your head. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Anyone who expects perfection from you or expects you to be a mind reader should be avoided. They have a few screws loose of their own. Link to comment
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