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PTSD ,Out of Darkness Into The Sun: My Recovery


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  • 2 months later...
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Why why why why why are you picking on me?????? And you why do you have to sit there tutting in the corner ??? I'm not going to basically let the both of you insult us and then shove that crap at us. If you think we over eat why effen buy that ???? And what do you mean my child doesn't have a good diet I just bought $4600 worth of meat and vegetables what are you talking about ?????? Because he can buy his own pop and chips now not my fault . Oh yes I forgot it's my fault because I eat chips that he eats chips . I'm sure I could've been a worse effen mother mom. Ugh!!!!!!! You piss me off so much . You just have to drag me down don't you because you don't know any other way of doing something .

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I have figured out why I feel so different from after my EMDR. I used to have internal chaos constantly and I had normalized that feeling . And now that I don’t have internal chaos I had come to miss it . And I had interpreted that as an emptiness . But it is actually not emptiness . It is the new state of being my new normal . Now I have a way to verbalize it .

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  • 9 months later...
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This was brought to my attention today by a girl I buy leggings from. There are only 10 Canadian practitioners trained to do it.


Worth speculating on with my new doctor. He was so cool he was a man open to listening to patients and not full of himself . Upon the first appointment interview whatever you want to call it I felt so in tune with him . He so so so gets mental health. I’m hoping he’s able to refer me to the local person who is licensed to practice it .

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  • 1 month later...

Yesterday at the graduation all the presenters sat together. The guy in the seat next to me kept spreading his thighs wide enough so that his leg was touching my leg and his arm was on my armrest touching my arm . So then I had to cross my poor arthritic knees which I’m not supposed to do . He spreads his thighs wider so he’s touching my leg again. So now I’m almost creeping onto the woman next to me . I was so uncomfortable I just wanted to punch him in the face . So finally I just glared at him and he moved a seat over . UGH!!!!!! Keep your body parts off other people. I am still revolted today . Just thinking about it makes me wanna throw up .

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  • 4 months later...
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This.  Hits.  Hard. 

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when *** got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. 

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.

“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Simply because you exist.

-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

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