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Seraphim January 15, 2014 in Journals
I am defeating you and I thought that was never possible. I feel no emotional connection to my past anymore. I can now live my life in the present. Thank you Ash, thank you to myself, thank you to my husband and my son ,my mother and my brother and those friends who stood by me over the years. I love you all.
I have even been successful in fighting my urge to fight back when challenged. "Sorry" can work much better in many instances. The stop and think method. Pros and cons. Do they have valid points or invalid points. When in doubt apologize. Give people room to make a mistake. Give people room to have a bad day.
I feel in control of my life. My nightmares have been reduced to what is completely normal for most people. The last vestiges to clean up is the odd nighttime panic.
My tests still say " PTSD " likely but scores are greatly reduced.
$&@'bvcc$&&@&$)(()&!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am fired up as ...,,, NO THIS IS NOT THE EFF OK. Don't you threaten me biatch. BACK THE EFF OFF!!! You back up and stop talking. It is NOT MY ISSUE YOU CANT COMMUNICATE. Do not get in my face the next few days or I 'll knock it right the hell off.
I know the exact moment my PTSD started .
***** trigger warning do not read if it will trigger something in you****
My PTSD started the moment that I was 13/14 years old and I was woken from sound sleep with my uncle's penis being shoved into my mouth and into my throat . He was sitting on me shoving his penis down my mouth and had his hands around my neck. I could not scream, I could not defend myself and he was squeezing my neck tighter and tighter.
That is my origin of feelings of being trapped , of death, fearing for my life and being attack as I sleep.
That is the start.
I have a really really strange OCD /paranoia whatever you want to call it really nutty thought that reoccurs constantly on pretty much an hourly basis. In my head I constantly plan for the collapse of society. I make plans for every contingency. It has even spread to my medication. Even though I don't regularly take clonazepam anymore I still every month fill my order. I have bottles and bottles of it. I just think oh my god what if society collapses and there's no medication for me??
I don't even know what to call that. I think it's a mixture of controlling /paranoia/ feeling trapped. Ahhh crap I'm not even sure what to call it. I know it's definitely not normal.
I would say it's another one of those intrusive thoughts. I don't have intrusive thoughts about my past anymore but I still have intrusive thoughts about what the future might bring. I might need another round of EMDR. There were things that I did not deal with in the last round. It is just that there was so much to deal with it wasn't possible to deal with it all in 10 sessions.
Crumbling teeth, yeah, they don't tell you about THAT when they discuss PTSD.
It really irritates me when people tell me in what way to communicate. I am not 3 1/2. I will decide what ideas I feel are important and how I want to communicate them and via what modem I will communicate them. It makes me very angry because for most of my life people shut me down when I attempted to communicate. No one will ever do that to me again.
I need to express anger in words to feel better. Written words feel good to me. It relieves the stress pressure I feel in my chest.
Crowds are very difficult. The Rogers center was extremely crowded today. And crowds make me extremely irritated. It just makes me want to smack the living hell out of people. I know it's completely irrational and something I'm not going to do but inside I just feel like I'm going to explode.
When I feel pushed, trapped or challenged.
I feel aggressive and angry today.
I think I am overwhelmed because they hand me the kids with the behavioral issues. The excuse is, " well, you are used to special needs kids. You have a balance of order and a firm hand with a very loving heart. You are firm but loving and that is what they need." Yeah, however I can't do this ALL the time. It wears me out. I have finite resources. I can not work 7 and 8 hours a day with no break. It is NOT fair. That is what I am facing tomorrow and Wed.
Let me see if I can explain what it feels like for me to have a PTSD episode. When my flight or fight response gets flipped my sense of reality becomes altered. My senses block out many things. I miss important and crucial pieces of information. I misinterpret information. The passage of time becomes altered. That is what my whole week felt like. And my anxiety will be so revved to the point I've become physically sick. And it is impossible for me to concentrate on anything but survival. And if you push me to the point of cracking that's where I become unpredictable. More often than not I will retreat to be alone both physically, emotionally and mentally. But never ever ever push me beyond that . Do not encroach on my need for solitude in any capacity. 99.9% I can control myself from being physical. But that .01 % ....... I know I have the capacity to be physical if I'm pushed to it. After watching physical violence as a kid ,physical violence being used on me and military training which breeds physical aggression I'm always very aware to keep myself under control. And I would say I'm extremely good at it.
PTSD is not a state I can control. But therapy has made my switch harder to flip these days. That is progress.
We were driving home to my mom's when we heard about Jericho being killed. It flashed accross the screen of my phone. And I just started screaming and crying and wailing. ( again not something I can control I hate the abuse of defenseless people and animals) I could hear my high-pitched wailing sounds but couldn't control them. And my husband was just so angry he was pounding the steering wheel. Not angry at me but angry at the death of a lion. My son was just extremely quiet in the back until he said oh no this is going to set my mom off. Mom you're too sensitive about things you can't control. You can't save the lion. I hate becoming distraught when he's around because I know in his heart it hurts him even if he never says so. And he says you're a bit broken mom but I love you and everybody's a bit broken in someway.
I was the little kid who would save bugs and would cry if worms died ,brought home stray and injured animals always seeking to help them. Mom said from the time you were the tiniest little girl you were a total basket case if any animal or bug was injured, died or you couldn't control what happened to them. In all this time you've never learn to control that. You are empathy out of control. Just stop it and have control!! You're scaring your child so just stop! That's what she said yesterday.
It's been a really bad week for me. I pushed myself beyond my limits. And my ability to control goes down immensely if I push beyond my limits. And I feel bad doing that in front of my son but at the same time I couldn't control it. This emotion just came from deep in my body and exploded.
Yes ,I think there is something genetic and intrinsic that is just a little out of balance in people that develop PTSD. Something is not working correctly in how they process memory and emotion. After all not all people who experience the same things develop PTSD. There must be something very different about our brain ,physiology and biology. And being extremely open empathically does not help either.
Like you I connect with animals on an extremely empathic and primal level. My mother always called me the animal whisperer. Because I'm so empathically open I feel anguish on extreme levels from people and animals.
And I feel bad for having that explosion in front of my son but I have explained PTSD to him and he does understand. And I want him to know that his mother is human with her own difficulties. And I want him to understand that like his disability my mental illness should also not be stigmatized. So we talk about that openly. And I know he understands even if it hurts his heart to see his mother in pain.
I try to be open about everything so there can be less stigma. And I'm glad that I have helped you and if I help someone it's all worth it. And if it helps people understand it's worth it. And if I can give hope that there is progress to get better than it's worth it. And if I can let people know that little blips are normal and do happen but that doesn't mean you're not progressing then it's worth it.
I will say though that when I'm in an altered state of reality I don't even realize that I am. It is only when I start to relax that I realize exactly what has been a play. When I start to relax I realize I've been in a different place of consciousness. And it's very hard to describe to somebody who doesn't have PTSD. It feels like a fog and extreme over agitation at the same time. And if it gets really bad I get the time and space disturbances ,ocular disturbance and noises in my head that I know are not there. And that's where I will realize I'm in a different plane of reality. But that's when it becomes superbly extreme. And I've heard that does happen in PTSD and it's not some other mental illness like schizophrenia. When pushed beyond limits you can have a minor break with reality. That level of break with reality though I had the last time was probably three years ago this September.
But today I seem to have come down from that altered plane and fog even though I realize that every cell in my body is still vibrating. It will take me several days to level out.
I am feeling aggressive today ,yeah that's it ,aggressive. I get aggressive when I get tired. I have a hard time holding back PTSD reactions when I'm tired. That probably explains why I'm exhausted every day of my life though because I'm holding back reactions under very tight control.
I had a total Epiphany of why I'm terrified of basements. It was being 7 years old and being molested in a basement . I still don't understand why I'm terrified of stairs in the dark though. In EMDR I explored fear of the stairs. And what I saw was a wolf face with red eyes jump at me. But there were no words just a face. The therapist told me because the memory had no words it's a toddler memory from before I'm three years old.
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