Ex wants to "catch up"..help.

[sdw]

Hello everyone I need your advice. I've been separated from my ex for about 3 months. We haven't been doing much/anything together since then apart from the occasional email. Part of the reason we broke up was because she needed space and to get on with doing her own thing (mainly her work as she is unbelievably busy and our r'ship became tense and we did nothing together). We love each other and think a lot of each other but it's unlikely we can actually function as a couple, mostly her words but probably true.

 

Anyway, I was in a bit of a state at first, I mean i thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. The last month I have had limited contact with her when I have had to see her I have just acted like a caring and supportive close friend, no mention of the r'ship. We hug and show a bit of physical affection when parting, but there's no indication that anything else would happen, and I don't think I want it to, certainly not at the moment. She has suggested we "catch up" this weekend (Sunday) for a drink and a bite to eat....thing is I am now terrified that I wont be able to pull off the strong and supportive act forever, and am worried that if I see her I may end up back where I was a couple of months ago, believe me, I don't want to be there. We both have arrangements for later on in the day so the time together would be limited which is good, however I have not said I can def. make it and she has said to call her if I can. I'm very confused and don't know what's best....this will be our first proper time together since I have been feeling better and am not dying to see her....is this a good time ????

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

I need u to answer a short question. Do u miss her and wan to take a look hows she had been going on in her life? All I can say is that meeting up in public is a very good one, coz u can easily say u have something on and go off if u cannot control ur emotions further. But i would advise u to move on b4 u stay in contact with her. Coz of 3 reasons:

 

1) U will feel miserable if she does better in life than u after the breakup.

 

2) U will get too intimate with her and go to bed with her, if u and her were too much of a friendly terms.

 

3) U will get back at her, if u both have too much trouble waters under the bridge

 

After self-answering these questions, u will noe whether if she is urs to be taken as friend and meet up as yet.

 

For further advice, i would give u 2 more. First, if u still miss her of how she had for example, taught u how to repair a car engine, and now wanting her back too badly, and that u miss those laughters u all have, and u cant wait to see her married happily with someone else. The second and last one would be that u are looking for someone for a chat during ur bored hours so that she can cheer u up better as she understands u more.

 

For more details, I can say u are not on the stage of friendship with her yet. Take things easy, move on and SEE WHETHER U WAN HER BACK AS FRIEND OR NOT! (coz sometimes some ppl are better off not to return to our lives ever again)

 

Thanks for reeading.. (sorry it is the same thing, thats why i copy n paste the last post to up here)

[winkybear]

Its hard to do it if i were u . But since u mentioned that the feeling of dying to see her has faded... i dunno..

 

If i were to put myself in your shoes, i dont see any benefits of meeting her so soon , since it might open the old wounds again... or make you go into a stage of sadness again.

 

Unless you think that you are ready and you can guarantee that nothing will happen (though i sense doubtness in your post) u can go for it.

 

This is what i think , if i were u . Other ppl might have different opinions...

[marijo2480]

I'm inclined to say don't do it, but you've already kind of said okay. I think she'll be hurt/upset if you cancel now being that it's only a couple of days away. Next time, tell her you can't, you're busy. I think b/c you're aware that you're afraid to fall back into her, you should try backing away a little. If you don't feel the urge to get back with her, then see her if it makes you feel any good. Don't fall for the "I need space..." deal. She just lost interest in you and that's the nicest way to say it.

 

Do you know if she's already talking to someone? Are you?

[FleX]

Ok... to hug and show physical affection means that either both or one of you are not over it. As "friends" there is nothing more. By sticking around there is always the threat of false hope from both parties. Once you've been at the intimate stage there simply is no way of reverting back to a normal relationship. The passion will always exist. Why torture yourself by hanging around? Love is like jumping off the plane. There is only one parachute and no going back.

[marijo2480]

Love the parachute and plane analogy Flex!

[sdw]

thanks everyone.

 

When I say "I'm not dying to see her" - this means in reality that the pain I was in after our immediate break up has diminished, it's friday night over here in the UK and I'm happy to browse this site, go for a bath with a beer or 2 and go to bed. 2 months ago I would be worried sick about her and would go to bed knowing that in the morning I would be crushed and feel the only solution to the situation would be hear her voice. I don't feel like that anymore.

 

When we broke up she said "we aren't making each other happy" , I said that's true, but do you love me....she said I love you...I said what do you mean by that, do you fancy me, think I'm funny, think I'm bright what does that mean to you..she said "it means in every possible way f*** all that sh!t I love you, but we aren't happy together" que 2 months of total misery despair and extreme confusion from me, I guess you all know the drill.

 

I care about her, and I've tried to turn the situation on its head by asking myself "what would the best man I can think to be, do in this situation?" at the moment my answer is he would go and show her how he accepts things and how he has gotten on with his life and how strong and supportive of her he is. I hope she will feel "can't believe he's gone" and of course the best guy wouldn't even want her to feel that, but it would just happen. Part of me thinks the more I act like that guy the closer to being him I can become which is great, the other part thinks stop kidding yourself mate, you'd give your right arm for a bit of physical intimacy. I mean is this normal !? She is the only girl in my 28 years that I really opened up to, and I know too that I certainly can't open up to her like I used to anymore, I'm way too damaged so that will keep the chat superficial.......oh dear....this totally sucks. Sorry for such a long reply....hope that sheds some more light.

[marijo2480]

Hi sdw,

 

I think it's normal to feel that way. I know you would die for a little bit of intimacy, but that intimacy will only leave you feeling worse at the end of the day...especially if she still says "I love you but I don't want to be with you!" Grrr....! I know it's frustrating! Keep continuing to be that great guy, that supportive guy, that guy better off without her. You seem like you're well on your way to successfully getting over this relationship. It may be that you guys just may end up together in the long run...who knows. But don't count on it either. She may just need time away from you. Sometimes that's "ok" in a relationship. I'll stick to what I said first though. Meet her now since you've already pretty much said you would, but try to not make this occur that often.

 

You're on the right track and should feel happy about that!

 

Cheers to you mate,

 

Marie

[sdw]

I do feel like I'm on the right track, it's been a tough couple of months moving back to my parents and then eventually to my own place. I really don't think there's any chance of us getting together again, I mean we broke up, it wasn't a break. Will go along and give away nothing about any pain I might feel and just be nice and supportive and outwardly happy. If I'm in a terrible state when i get home then I wont do it again, but I wont let her see me as anything other than doing great.

 

Steve.

[littlefeet]

If you aren't feeling definitely ready to see her, don't do it yet. If it makes you feel better, you could (briefly) explain via email or phone or text that it's because you don't feel quite ready. Or you could just say "hey, I can't make it, sorry" full stop.

 

Keep working through this; it's good you're addressing your feelings, because in the future, that will help you keep your heart and mind open to someone new. We learn a lot from any relationship, and you won't forget the feeling of being able to "open up".

 

It sounds as though you've done a great job of working toward your end of the friendship transition; it's time for that to become a two way, understanding sort of street.

[littlefeet]

If you aren't feeling definitely ready to see her, don't do it yet. If it makes you feel better, you could (briefly) explain via email or phone or text that it's because you don't feel quite ready. Or you could just say "hey, I can't make it, sorry" full stop.

 

Keep working through this; it's good you're addressing your feelings, because in the future, that will help you keep your heart and mind open to someone new. We learn a lot from any relationship, and you won't forget the feeling of being able to "open up".

 

It sounds as though you've done a great job of working toward your end of the friendship transition; it's time for that to become a two way, understanding sort of street.

[sdw]

So....I called her at 12 she was in bed and we chatted for a bit, she was going to have to go into town to get some xmas shopping, not sure how long she would be, but would like to meet up. I said well, since you are so busy and I'm going to see my folks later on maybe we should just give it a miss today and we can catch up later if you like. So we agreed that was fine and ended the conversation. She rang back 5 minutes later to say she was making lunch and to come round if I wanted and she would make me some there. So i went round, had lunch we chatted about what we had been up to and got along ok. I tried not to be as affectionate as I used to be, and generally acted quite content and well. I had the car so gave her a run back into town which was a good excuse not to leave an awkward goodbye (i.e. hugging or anything), she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said sorry it had been so short (the meetup) and maybe we could catch up before xmas. To be honest, I really don;t mind whether we meet up before xmas or not, so I wont suggest it. I'm glad I went, i think her spell over me is slowly breaking, I remember her for what she used to be like, not how she is. I miss that not what we would have now, got to keep tellingmyself that. Also, I no longer see her as so amazingly beautiful as I once did which has got to be good !!