El3216 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 A little back round. We started our relationship in October 2010. We were both 22. We had a great sex like for the first year or so. Sex multiple times a week or more! We hit a slump in the relationship and things went down hill.. We stopped having sex and we argued and fought a lot. We broke up for a few weeks and then got back together. Things were perfect for a a while ( but the sex was way less frequent) we moved into an apartment together and in 4 months we had sex once. We broke up in February 2012 and were NC for 8 months. I had a lot of personal issues to workout.. Needed to get in shape and get happy. I accomplished this and we got back together again! Things have been good since October however we have only had sex 3 times since oct 1 2013. Present day: we talk a about getting married and being together but sex has been a sensitive subject. We are both attractive people ( in my opinion) we have been doing crossfit together and I think she looks fit as ever! I am incredible attracted to her and I go to bed pissed off every night because I want to have passionate sex with her.. But she's cold. Not interested at all. Now, we've spoken multiple times about this and she tells me things will get better when she feels more confident about her body.. But I don't see how she can get more fit. She says she feels awkward and uncomfortable and the 3 times we did have sex it was Infact awkward. Despite being together for so long. I am good at sex and expressing my passion and not jus having sex. Over summer I had a very sexual relationship with a rebound and I went from having passionate sex 5-6 times a week to none! I love my girlfriend and want things to work. I have been romantic, dinner, flowers massages notes ect ect and I have gotten no reciprocation. I don't mean just sexually either. I will go to counseling and try anything to get this part of my relationship back. Thanks for reading. Sent from my iPhone using link removed Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 If things stay the way they are would you get married? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 This may sound harsh, but dump her unless you are fine with this being like this forever. Might be some ups and might be some downs (as far as her being sexual). But it's clear sex isn't important to her. Doesn't even seem affection is important to her. Could be as simple as it's her personality and how she is. One year is hardly any time at all. I know not all women are wired this way because I'm one of them; one year, two years, five years; passion, affection, and sex are important to me in a relationship. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 OK, so what you basically have is a roommate or sibling relationship with her. And unfortunately if you marry this woman without getting to the bottom of this, you'll end up with a sexless life. The world is full of people you can be friends with, but the whole point of having a 'mate' is to actually mate and have sex! So you need to start being very honest with her. As in, at 22, it is really abnormal to only have sex less than once a month. You should be having a minumum of 2-3 times a week for normal sex drives at this age. So the first thing that needs to happen is she needs a doctor's check up to see if she has a hormonal imbalance or other problem. If there is no physical cause, then you need to insist on going to a couples counselor to discuss whether she can get her libido back and find a way to have regular sex wtih you, otherwise you will both have to sadly admit that you are better friends than lovers and partners. Some people are very inhibited emotionally for religious/familial history reasons and will never want/enjoy sex. And they are best partnered with someone else who doesn't particularly like sex. But if you want a normal sex life and she doesn't and she isn't willing to work on this, then you are setting yourself up for divorce, affairs, and future heartbreak if you continue with this or marry her. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 A little back round. We started our relationship in October 2010. We were both 22. We had a great sex like for the first year or so. Sex multiple times a week or more! We hit a slump in the relationship and things went down hill.. what kind of a slump, exactly? We stopped having sex and we argued and fought a lot. We broke up for a few weeks and then got back together. Things were perfect for a a while ( but the sex was way less frequent) we moved into an apartment together and in 4 months we had sex once. We broke up in February 2012 and were NC for 8 months. I had a lot of personal issues to workout.. Needed to get in shape and get happy. I accomplished this and we got back together again! Things have been good since October however we have only had sex 3 times since oct 1 2013. How can things be good if she isn't willing to meet you half way on this? Present day: we talk a about getting married and being together but sex has been a sensitive subject. DO NOT MARRY HER UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE CELEBATE!!!!! I'm serious. Marriage will not make her flip into someone she already is not. It will amplify who she already is. We are both attractive people ( in my opinion) we have been doing crossfit together and I think she looks fit as ever! I am incredible attracted to her and I go to bed pissed off every night because I want to have passionate sex with her.. But she's cold. Not interested at all. Looks do not make a satisfying relationship; they make a good ornament--that's it. If it did, this post wouldn't be here and you wouldn't go to bed pissed off every night. Her disinterest in your needs speaks to an emotional distain that she has for your feelings. She will use the lure of sex to get back together with you--it's a means to and end: the end being on track to get married. She obviously will say/do what she needs to to lull you back into a stupor and once you're there--as you find yourself now--she will flip back to being who she was which instigated the break up in the first place. Now, we've spoken multiple times about this and she tells me things will get better when she feels more confident about her body.. She's lying. She's trying to get into that white dress and walk down that aisle and will say what she needs to say to accomplish that. She does not have the requisite amount of caring for you to put down her silliness. What is needed is an examination of her REGARD FOR YOUR FEELINGS, which is at the root of intimacy--and with her, it ain't there. If it was, she'd be meeting you half way. But I don't see how she can get more fit. That's because it's not about her being fit. It's about her not wanting to have sex with you. It's about her not caring about your needs and feelings. [b/] When she was in worse shape at the beginning, she had no aversion to sex. She says she feels awkward and uncomfortable and the 3 times we did have sex it was Infact awkward. Despite being together for so long. I am good at sex and expressing my passion and not jus having sex. Over summer I had a very sexual relationship with a rebound and I went from having passionate sex 5-6 times a week to none! I love my girlfriend and want things to work. The only way this is going to work is, as I said, you wish to live your life as celebate roommates. She doesn't want to fix the problem: if she did, it would have been fixed by now, so as long as that is the case, then you will be going to bed pissed every night. Is that the way in which you want to live out the next 60 years of your life? Joining the priesthood would at least give you spiritual satisfaction... I have been romantic, dinner, flowers massages notes ect ect and I have gotten no reciprocation. I don't mean just sexually either. That is because she is not interested in meeting your emotional needs. I will go to counseling and try anything to get this part of my relationship back. She is the one who needs to go to counselling--the way you know that she is worth it is for her to agree to go and make the appointment herself. If she will not do this, then end it with her. She is not interested in being your emotional support; she just wants the title of Mrs. Your last name. Link to comment
patterned Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 You're young to be committed to something like this. While you may care for each other very much, you're essentially saying this relationship isn't working for you. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 For whatever reason she is either not into sex at all or not into sex with you in particular. The whole body image thing is just a convenient excuse that you can't argue with. The bottom line is that what you see is what you get with her - a friend and a convenient roommate, but not a romantic relationship. You keep banging your head against a rock trying to turn this into what you want it to be, but of course that doesn't work. It never works, because you can't change people, you can only accept them as they are. You say you will go to counseling....counseling for what exactly? Stop trying to make this your problem. The only problem you really have here is that you refuse to accept rejection and move on, even though she is rejecting you daily. As already mentioned, unless you love celibacy, time to find someone else who actually wants a romantic relationship with you and returns your affection and notes and so on. Link to comment
patterned Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 You keep banging your head against a rock trying to turn this into what you want it to be, but of course that doesn't work. It never works, because you can't change people, you can only accept them as they are. DancingFool has said it well. I've been there myself. Link to comment
Amp33 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I understand the fact that she is uncomfortable with her body and this causes her to not want sex, I've been there. But at this point she is being extremely selfish. You said when you guys broke up you needed to get in shape and become happy with yourself. To me it looks like you've made the effort and she hasn't. She may look good, but there are still the voices in her head that she's dealing with. And because of those voices it's taking a toll on your relationship.. If she keeps acting like this you guys are headed for another break up. You need to bluntly confront her with these points otherwise you're in for a bad relationship. I wouldn't even consider marriage at this point because if she doesn't change her ways then it's only going to get worse. I'd suggest her going to counselling.. Not you. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Are you sure she orgasms during sex? How is foreplay? Do you make it about her too? Link to comment
tmtex Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Sounds like married life. When I was with my ex wife she was a "sexual madwomen", very bad girl in that dept LOL. Once married it was all gone Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Marriage doesn't kill sex. Unhapieness does. Break up Link to comment
dali Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 OP I know it's hard when there are strong feelings involved but do you want to be happy and have a for filling sex life or miserable with no sex for the rest of your life? Link to comment
capilot Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 If sex is important to you (and I assume it is), do NOT get married to a woman who is not interested in having sex with you. Do NOT get married with the belief or promise that it will get better later. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I think you've got some really solid advice from the members of this forum. You've known her now at least a few years so you know what she's all about. It's not likely she will change. Link to comment
El3216 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 Update: nothing has changed. It's gotten worse yet I cannot end it and move on. We just started counseling together.. I hope it helps. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
patterned Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 Again, it's not working for you. Be aware of what you need, and that your needs are valid. You can't change this. Link to comment
El3216 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 It's crazy because she dumped me a year ago. Ruthlessly and I cannot do the same to her. I keep making up reasons as to why we can work it out. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
mutedman Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 I am you, the you who puts aside his doubts in "hope and trust of love". Don't do it man. Don't make the same mistake as me. Link to comment
Tayla92 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 I don't understand how people can't be interested in having sex with their partner whom they love, it's the closest you can get to one another!! Maybe if she's on medication for something and one of the side effects is decreased libido.. I'm not sure what you should do, try sitting down and really talking to her about it and expressing how you feel. Telling her that it is really affecting the relationship, and that you want to understand why she feels this way towards you. If it doesn't go as planned, or how you would want it to.. Then I think its time to leave... Unless you can put up with that for as long as she can't be interested. Goodluck! Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 Is there any chance that she is a closet lesbian? Does she get turned on by other women, girl-on-girl porn etc.? If so, she will never ever change with you. You will be horrifically unhappy. Same thing happened to a guy I know. So sad. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted June 1, 2014 Share Posted June 1, 2014 Throwing it out there - has she seen a doctor and told him or her she's experiencing a low sex drive? There are both conditions and medications that aren't obvious, and some mineral deficiencies, that can lead to issues in the bedroom. And it may not be something she can put her finger on - she just knows her body isn't signaling sexual interest. If she's this young and nothing (not just you, but nothing) is pushing her sexual buttons, odds are there's something up somewhere. I'd say a trip to a doctor, preferably one experienced in checking hormonal balance and such, is in order. Plenty of docs out there that blow stuff like this off, so find one that's experienced and will listen. Link to comment
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