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Is this relationship worth saving? Would love some female advice as well!


Texaz41

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This is going to be quite a long read, so I apologize for that up front.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 years now. We moved in together after 6 months of dating. It was convenient because I was looking for a new place and she was looking as well. Too soon? Perhaps, but we made it work and were happy. She had always had desires to move back to Los Angeles where she previously lived. We were both tired of Arizona, so after 8 months of co-habitating I moved us to LA. I'd never lived in LA, or even visited for that matter. I don't have any friends here either. But I wanted to make her happy, so I did it. After 2+ years here, I have yet to make any friends of my own. I get along with all her old friends, and they love me. It's just not the same when you don't have people you can hang out with on your own. I really don't have many outlets here.

 

The only thing I really have for myself is my love of sports. I am a HUGE soccer fan. Perhaps a bit fanatical. In Arizona I would meet with a group of guys to watch soccer every weekend, sometimes as early as 6am. We'd go to the pub, watch the game, and have some pints. That's just how it is. When I came to LA, I found a group that does the same and I am able to watch with them. I've become so involved with the group here, that the national chapter of the group has recruited me to work for them, in which I am also working directly with the team. It's a volunteer position, but I enjoy it. It's gets me closer to the team I love. Needless to say, this hobby/passion of mine takes up a lot of my time. Problem is, she doesn't understand it. She doesn't get why I choose to go and wake up early to go drink with the guys and watch "a game". I usually do this at least twice a month, and each time i mention it to her she'll roll her eyes or become emotionally distant for the next hour or so. It's one of the few things I have for myself here, and it really hurts that she doesn't understand that.

 

Another issue we have is finances. We're living outside our means, and she doesn't get it. We'd been paying $1750-1850 the last year and a half until we recently moved. I told her we really needed to be around $1500, even if it meant we had to live outside our preferred area. She still looked in the same area we had lived in and we settled on another place for $1800. If that isn't enough, she makes me pay all the bills. I pay the renters insurance, water, gas, electricity, cable and internet. I've tried to get her help out paying but some of the bills are only like $20-35 a month, and she questions why I would need so much help paying a small bill like that. To me, it's not about how much it is, but it's the principal of helping me out. The cable and internet are the most expensive bills. When asked to help out, she tells me that she doesn't "need" either, and would be just fine without them. If I wanted either, I would have to pay for them myself. Yet, she's always watching TV when I get home from work, and uses the WIFI i'm paying for. She essentially just contributes to the rent (half) and groceries. I'm not in a position where I can really afford such a burden. I've tried talking to her about a budget but she keeps saying that we should be able to be adult enough to handle money without one. I make more than her, but it still doesn't make sense for me to pay for almost everything. And even though I earn more than her, she also hates my job.

 

I work in retail. It really is a dead end job, but I've been doing it for 10 years. I make decent money, averaging $45-50k a year. It's not bad considering I sell shoes. But I work nights, weekends and holidays. She really hates that. She has a nice 8-5, Monday-Friday office job. But she makes about $10k less than me. Sure, my job is a dead end, but it's paying our bills. She can barely pay her own with the job she has. But because she's working for a bank, she says she's gaining experience. I've been selling all my life, and have also gained a ton of experience in talking to customers, psychology, customer service, knowing product, etc. I know there's not much left in this job for me, but I'm looking for something better. I'm still working on my degree, but it's a few years out still. She's got her degree and yet I'm still earning more. It seems like a double standard. I know she wants to be taken care of, and that she wants to feel secure and that I can provide for her and a family perhaps in the future. But i'm not there yet. She's going to have to wait, but I don't want to keep hearing about how horrible my job is until then.

 

We also don't have sex. We probably had sex 5 times last year. It's not because I don't want to, or she doesn't want to. We just never get around to it. There are no sparks. It has never been good for me. I'm very sexually experienced, and she really isn't. I'm open to pretty much anything when it comes to sex and she's very old fashioned. There's no passion. We've talked about why there's a lack of sex, and I've told her this. Nothing has happened though. It hasn't improved and I don't know if it will.

 

There are also a plethora of other issues:

 

-she hates that I don't have the best diet (i enjoy comfort foods. don't really eat healthy)

-i love craft beer and love enjoying them 2-3 nights a week (2-3 beers at a time)

-she hates all my friends. they're good people, they just don't get a long. they have jobs, careers, family, etc.

-she doesn't really enjoy spending time with my family

-we have nothing in common. ALL of our interests are different. she hates all the tv shows i like, movie tastes, food tastes etc. everything!

-i feel like her dogs are more important to her than me. she always puts them in bed and it's hard to even try and have sex when they're in the bed with you.

 

I do't have any issues with her. I accept her for who she is, but I don' think she accepts me. I think she's waiting for me to change or "grow up". I do what i'm needed to do. I pay the bills like she wants. I've never cheated. I pull back on a lot of the things that make me happy (sports, beer, etc) in order to make her happy. But I still get criticized. I just feel like i'm giving so much for this relationship to work and it's still not working. I don't even think she really loves me. Part of me feels like she's just with me because it's convenient, but I almost feel like we're roommates. Our situation allows her to live where she wants to live and, and have a decent quality of life. But I feel like I'm not what she wants. I'm not going to change my interests and passions, but I feel that's what she's waiting for. And I'm also not going to all of the sudden land a great job without a college degree. Perhaps a few years down the road, not now. I'm almost 35, she's 31. I just don't know if I can continue to put effort into this when I don't even feel she's really in love with me. We just had a talk the other day about whether or not we want to keep trying to make it work. She said she didn't know, but then we just went on with the rest of our weekend like nothing happened. I almost feel like now is the time to put up, or shut up. What do you guys think? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

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I almost feel like you answered your own question. You don't seem to mention anything positive out of the relationship. She isn't assisting enough with bills and refuses, she isn't putting out, you don't seem to have the same interests and she isn't interested in entertaining or encouraging yours.

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Hi Texaz, I agree with mhowe... really just sit back and think about your situation. It seems that there is little communication and even smaller effort to compromise. In your situation, you have something wonderful going for you -- you have a decent job and if you did not have to worry about feeding you both and finding a way to remain in budget, you could pursue a higher education or another job.

 

Perhaps you need to focus on yourself. At least she is paying half the rent and what she can, but it's tough when you have deep feelings that she doesn't have commitment. You did move for her... that's a big step and take it from me, MHowe just helped me realize my own relationship wasn't worth saving. That's O.K. It's O.K. to think about yourself.

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I'm going with Mhowe here. I see absolutely no good reason to stay with her. Yeah you like her but it seems like everything is about HER and not you.

 

This could get worse in the long run. Someone who's not as commited as you are does not deserve you.

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Hi Texaz, I agree with mhowe... really just sit back and think about your situation. It seems that there is little communication and even smaller effort to compromise. In your situation, you have something wonderful going for you -- you have a decent job and if you did not have to worry about feeding you both and finding a way to remain in budget, you could pursue a higher education or another job.

 

Perhaps you need to focus on yourself. At least she is paying half the rent and what she can, but it's tough when you have deep feelings that she doesn't have commitment. You did move for her... that's a big step and take it from me, MHowe just helped me realize my own relationship wasn't worth saving. That's O.K. It's O.K. to think about yourself.

 

What's ironic about your insight is that she thinks I'm completely selfish. If I want to go watch the game, I'm being selfish. I end up choosing where we go eat most of the time because I like to plan things. So we end up going to places that I like. That makes me selfish as well. Whatever we do is all because of my suggestions and it makes me selfish.

 

Problem is, she never speaks up. She has no passions or hobbies. I feel like sometimes we'd just end up staying at home all the time if I never tried to go out and do stuff. But when I bring it up she acts like I should be reading her mind. I should be coming up with more things to do that she would enjoy. I get that to some extent, but she never feels deeply enough about anything for me to think twice of.

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You are complaining a lot, but taking zero responsibility for yourself and your part in why things are the way they are.

 

First you say that she doesn't pay for anything, turns out that she pays a share that's more or less proportional to your incomes. You blame her for the high rent place, yet you signed the lease for it. You say that you need a degree to move up in life, but you also say that you are good in sales and have learned a lot. Good sales people make six figures and companies are killing themselves to find good sales guys. If there is one job you don't need a degree for, that is it. You can sell, you are golden. Seems like you are using your lack of degree as an excuse more than anything. You complain about not having sex, then it turns out that you are not really interested in having sex with her. She is not exciting enough for you, not experienced, etc. How exactly can you two mesh if you don't practice so to speak?

 

Anyway, you sound full of excuses and reasons why things aren't better or different in your life, so what will make you happy? You don't need excuses or to put blame on her for things if you want to end things. Give notice, make sure you don't leave her with the rent hanging over her head that she doesn't have the money to pay for. Sort things out and head back to Arizona.

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DancingFool makes some valid points and I will agree with a lot of them. To be honest though, in any sales position, it's not easy in this economy -- so finding a well paying job is going to take a lot of work. So I don't really see that you're making an excuse for yourself for lack of a degree.

 

The only reason I don't see anything as selfish is because obviously, I am not her. But if you are committing to what you say, 2 times a month, that is not - at all - unreasonable. In fact, you have a passion and maybe she would benefit from it if she learned a bit about it for you. It seems though that you are making a commitment to resign the way you say she behaves. If you want to make it work, you should really sit and tell her things (NICELY! and not accusatory); if not, then I agree with DancingFool - no need to put so much blame on her for your unhappiness in the relationship

 

It does take two to tango

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You are complaining a lot, but taking zero responsibility for yourself and your part in why things are the way they are.

 

Anyway, you sound full of excuses and reasons why things aren't better or different in your life, so what will make you happy? You don't need excuses or to put blame on her for things if you want to end things. Give notice, make sure you don't leave her with the rent hanging over her head that she doesn't have the money to pay for. Sort things out and head back to Arizona.

 

Totally agree.

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Just break up. Your not happy. That list of complaints is way too long.

 

A good couple works together to resolve issues. She should make an effort to move to a cheaper place. You should make more effort with sex. I mean how are you supposed to build compatability if you never do it or want to?

 

The blame is not all on her here. When me and my bf met-neither of us had much experience and our sex life is amazing.. we learned from each other

 

we also compromise on bills, rent etc. He wants to pay more coz he earns more but I said no. We split rent, bills, groceries and then he pays for extras like romance, takeaways etc

 

you have to be able to come to a happy medium on all things but you and she just don't work together.

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