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Wife cheated...then cheated again...blames drug addiction...wants me to forgive.


nthfrl

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We've got three boys 10, 7, 6. Wife cheated in 2009, left me, filed fpo false accusations. I won divorce-car, house, kids are mine. She came back and asked me to forgive her and be a family. I do...3 perfect years later, to me, I find out she has a heroine addiction. I tried to help her...9 mths later I find out that the clinic I've been paying $400/mth for she hasnt gone to for last 5 mths even though I've been taking her and she would go in and come out 10min later as if she was treated. Then she tells me that we need to separate so she could figure herself out but in NO way is this a separation and we are NOT seeing other people. I find out 2 weeks later shes been sleeping with my cousin. The first time they slept with each other was IN MY BED while I was at church preaching and it was going on for weeks before she left! A month later she calls and wants me to take her back and help her get clean, at this time I did not know of her infidelity, I agree and she lies to me and tells me they had sex 1 time only in her car. Three weeks later my cousin sends me a message apologizing for what he did and told me they never had sex in car and all the times/places they did. We're 7 weeks into the aftermath and she's been clean this whole time. I just don't know what to do...I'm trying to forgive but it's really, really, really hard. She says it wasn't her it was the heroine and she doesn't remember a lot of what happened...on top of all that her jewelry is missing and she doesn't know where it is....13 years of jewelry!

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There are really two issues here: the heroin and the cheating. What reason was given for the cheating? Was your cousing supplying her with heroin? I would need to know the answwers to those questions to further advise, but as to the addiction, I would recommend a long term inpaitient treatment program for her. You say that she has been clean for 7 weeks, but how do you really know that? How invested are you in her?

I have a certificate in substance abuse, so I speak from that viewpoint. ...chi

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Coming from an addict that has been clean and sober for years, this woman is a train wreck in progress and you need to get off it. Nothing you've said surprises me in the least. It is all typical addict behavior. She has not changed in the last few years and she will not change unless she hits absolute rock bottom and even the she must want to change. She clearly does not. If you keep engaging with her at all, she will keep right on lying, cheating and walking all over you. She can blame her addiction all she wants. It's a lie. She knows what she does is wrong, she CHOOSES to do it anyway. She does not care. Not about you, your kids or anything except herself and her addiction. Do NOT take her word for anything.

 

You owe her nothing at this point. You have no responsibility to her at all. Zero. You do have a responsibility to yourself and especially your kids. I know she's your wife or hopefully still your ex wife. I know it's hard. But, for your kids' sake, you need to get rid of this woman unless she gets clean, starts working on her issues and stays clean. That means for at least a year, in rehab, an after care program, therapy, she drops all her "friends", current lifestyle and starts stepping it up to be the mother and partner she should be.

 

Questions you really need to ask yourself... is this what you want your kids to learn? Is this what you want them to be when they grow up? Because this is what they're seeing and learning. If the answer is no, you'll have to make the choice.

 

I know this was harsh and I apologize for that. Dealing with addicts is harsh. There's nothing nice about it. You can't afford to be nice, you have to be harsh and tough. I will tell you right now, if I hadn't gotten that brutal kick, I would not be here today.

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Because it's cheap and now comes powdered many think Heroin is like other lesser potent drugs... it's not.

Heroin hooks most on their first use and without incarceration is pretty much impossible to get off.

 

She will lie, steal and even kill, (you and the kids too), to get it.

 

Protect your family! Do everything in your power to get her incarcerated.

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Addicts are notoriously liars and cheaters. The love of their lives is drugs and not a person, and definitely not you, sad to say. Her jewelry has disappeared because she sold it to get drugs. And even if she says she's clean, she could well be lying unless you are giving her drug tests that prove she is clean. Addicts are also notoriously irresponsible and don't want to be accountable for their behavior. So she sleeps with your cousin and then gives you a feeble 'Oops, sorry, don't remember that' when the reality is there was a lot of cheating and lying going on.

 

This is my suggestion. That you tell her that the condition for her staying is for her to stay clean, and that you will be administering random drugs tests to see if she is (you can buy these and keep them at home and use them periodically). If she balks and won't agree to that, then she's still using or plans to use. Go get a test today and come home and ask her to take it (don't give her advance notice) and see what she does. If she pitches a fit or refuses to take it, then you have your answer, that she is not serious about staying clean, she is just interested in using you periodically as a port in the storm until they next time she wants to gallop off for a drug or cheating binge.

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I have addicts in my family and they will always be addicts. My dad recently loaned my brother two very expensive items to use, and somehow he lost both. That has been happening for decades. My father is about 76 now, and the 45 year old addict son still rules his life. I am just embarrassed to have a father that is so foolish. At this point I really don't feel sorry for him.

 

I hope you don't end up like my father.

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Unless she's willing to go into an inpatient program - she's not 200% committed to getting and STAYING clean. Most addicts will tell you that they know, deep down, that there is a chance that they won't be able to make it. And staying in optional programs, it's an "easy out" that's less of a total commitment "in case it's just too much."

 

Right now, she's not in a relationship with you. Her only "real" relationship, until she's both physically and mentally free, is with her addiction. She wants to keep you as well - but until that addiction is kicked for good - which is up to her - you, your kids, and responsibility will come a very poor second.

 

Keep you and your kids safe until and unless she's willing to make the big leap and goes the distance, and sticks with ongoing counseling after a long term inpatient program. Otherwise, you'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it has so many times.

 

While her addiction may have influenced her choices to cheat, lie, and steal - she has chosen that addiction over her family, so SHE is responsible, ultimately, for the result of that. Make sure you do what is right and best for you and the kids.

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when they get to this point..As sad is it is..i dunno if they can go back to who they use to be...some do..many dont..

 

heroin addicts are some of the worst, because they will do anything to get their fix...

 

 

they will lie...steal..and sometimes do whatever they need to ...including sexual favors...

 

your not safe...needles and cheating...

is a very scary thing..

 

your kids arent safe..dont need to be around someone like that and you dont know what she will do

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