Do I tell my ex?

[AvaLennon]

Hi all,

 

I need advice in the worst way.

 

My ex broke up with me back in October siting he was just not ready to be in a relationship. We moved way too fast way too quickly (distance being a factor) and he freaked out. Since then we have remained friends on some level. Not best friends but we'll text a couple times a week, interact on FB etc. We were friends before we dated.

 

When we broke up I started experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms that I pretty much chalked up to stress. Not only was I going through a very difficult break up but I was unemployed and looking for a job as well. I was tired and lacked energy (that I blamed on temporary depression). I also started getting pains in my stomach and my first period after we had sex last was non-existent. I'm on the pill, have been for years and never ever experienced a period like this. Again I chalked it up to stress.

 

Anyway long story short... A couple weeks after the weird period I started getting major lower back pains and stomach pains. This would continue a bit and then a couple days before my scheduled next period, my period started and again I'm on the pill so it never comes early AND it only lasted a couple days. After this my period started to become semi normal again.

 

So I went to my gyno on Tuesday for my annual pap smear and he discovered something. He told me that I had had an incomplete miscarriage. That my cervix was still open and fetal tissue was still present in the uterus. I was beyond shocked. I never even considered pregnancy. After the procedure of cleaning out the tissue he gave me some antibiotics to fight possible infection and I was on my way.

 

I've been struggling with this for a couple days now. Do I tell my ex?

 

I'm so hesitant. A month ago I would have told him no problem but the past couple weeks had been very trying between us. We have nosy mutual friends who got involved and starting asking him a lot questions about why he ended our relationship. We fought about that. During the fight I decided to just let him have it on how I felt about how he ended our relationship. His response was not very nice or good. And he kept telling me to move on bla bla bla. He thought I had sent our mutual friends after him to try and get us back together. NOT TRUE!!! Anyway, when talking to my friends he got very mean and told them he was never attracted to me etc. This same "man" who couldn't ever stop kissing me, touching me etc. when were together. This same man who pursued me for a month or so until I decided to give a relationship with him a go. This same man who wanted me to move down to him, have kids with me etc. Needless to say this was hurtful and I can't really say it's true or not, I just have a feeling he got so mad at the thought of me sending friends after him that he was saying things he didn't mean hoping it would get back to me and hurt me. When we fought over the end of our relationship I did say some things that were hurtful to him but TRUE.

 

Anyway... do I tell him that I was pregnant and had an incomplete miscarriage? I'm very torn. I'm terrified of how he'll react. I feel like he'll accuse me of lying and say I'm just doing this to try and get him back. I don't have proof that's the bad thing. Of course I can tell him to call my doctor but under HIPA my doctor won't tell him a damn thing.

 

Advice? PLEASE?

[CatsMeeoow]

Personally I would keep it to myself and continue to try to move on.

 

25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage - most before anyone realizes they were even pregnant. Sure its a difficult thing to process that YOU WERE PREGNANT... and now you are not but if you don't feel he would be supportive why even put yourself through any additional, unneeded drama?

 

Hugs... I'm sure you left your Dr appointment quite stunned.

[loveology]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have to ask yourself what you hope to gain by telling your ex about this. Miscarriages can be emotional but it sounds like you and your ex are not getting along well at the moment, so if you are looking for support he may not be the best person to turn to. Given the pregnancy is over and there aren't decisions to be made and telling him isn't really a necessity, I think it's important to ask yourself if anything good will actually come from it.

[AvaLennon]

I agree I don't need the unnecessary added drama and trust me I don't want it.

 

But like you said I was pregnant. It was his baby. I just feel like he has a right.

 

Thank you, I am stunned and still am. I am just not quite sure how to react or what the appropriate reaction is I'm very all over the place.

[AvaLennon]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have to ask yourself what you hope to gain by telling your ex about this. Miscarriages can be emotional but it sounds like you and your ex are not getting along well at the moment, so if you are looking for support he may not be the best person to turn to. Given the pregnancy is over and there aren't decisions to be made and telling him isn't really a necessity, I think it's important to ask yourself if anything good will actually come from it.

 

I don't know if I'm looking for support. I just feel like he should know.

[mhowe]

Why should he know?

There is nothing to be done...and as you say, he might just see it as a cry for attention.

It would be.one thing if you WERE pregnant and a decision needed to be made.

However...nature made the decision for you.

 

There is. Nothing to be gained by telling him. And what if he shares the story with friends?

So you want everyone.to know?

[HeartGoesOn]

I would look at it as, "that ship has sailed" and nothing good would come out of telling him. I'm sorry for your loss, but it's time to leave the past in the past.

[AvaLennon]

I understand everything you're saying. I just have a hard time going about my day knowing I was pregnant with his child and he had no clue. Granted neither did I but still. I feel like three months from now if we started talking again like we were up until two weeks ago I would have this secret and it would always be with me.

[mhowe]

Except that you will not go back to what you had...you unleashed on him, he.is angrier than before.

 

IF you ever get back together you may decide to let him know. But telling him now will just look like a cry for attention. If he thinks you pit.friends up to questioning him and be started saying he was never attracted to you...what do you think his response to this will be? Certainly not comfort.

[Cheetarah]

I totally get why you'd want to say something, OP. I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

I'd want to share that grief with the person with whom the source was created with. I think that's a natural feeling. Just because it is natural doesn't mean it's good for you, though. You have to consider the nature of the dynamic(or lack thereof) between you two now. It'd very, very likely bring you more hurt than peace.

[AvaLennon]

Ugh I'm so sickened by it all. I haven't even had time to deal with my own feelings I'm so concerned about telling him.

 

I understand I really don't have to tell him. I just feel like I should, you know that guilt thing kicks in?

 

I almost just want to shoot him a text and say something along the lines of I don't feel right keeping this from you so I decided to tell you. And make it clear that I'm not looking for anything from him, not even a response I just think he should know.

[AvaLennon]

Like I said up until a couple weeks ago I considered him one of my best friends. That's what makes it harder.

[mhowe]

And if he never responds or calls you a liar...how will you feel?

[AvaLennon]

If he never responds I honestly won't care much. If he calls me a liar, well that will suck but I don't think he would.

[mhowe]

Then tell him.

[AvaLennon]

Thank you so much for your multiple responses mhowe.

 

IF I decide to tell him I decided to just throw him a text. Make it very undramatic and not do the whole I need to talk to you call me when you have a minute thing.

 

I was thinking something like this:

 

"Hi. So I know I'm not your favorite person right now but I wanted to share something with you. I was honestly not going to tell you, I initially didn't feel the need but then guilt sunk in. I just want to be VERY clear that I am not looking for anything from you, not even a response to this message. If you want to respond then great if not that's fine too. I wouldn't even be surprised if you think I'm lying or had an ulterior motive. Hell, I might think the same thing. But I'm telling the truth. Long story short, after we were together I started experiencing really strange things like pains in my lower back, stabbing pains in my abdomen and one time they were so bad I almost fainted in the mall with my mom. I didn't get much of a period and chalked it up to stress. This continued and after another weird and abnormally early period everything went back to normal. I went to the gynecologist on Tuesday afternoon for an annual checkup and within seconds my doctor told me I had experienced what is called an "incomplete miscarriage". You can google it but it just simply means that I miscarried and the cervix stayed open and fetal tissue remained in the uterus. So he did a procedure and gave me an antibiotic to fight possible infection. He figured I was 6-7 weeks and being that time went by between then and now was shocked I hadn't contracted an infection as of yet. So anyway that's all. I didn't think it was the right thing to do to keep it from you. I'm not going to sob to you about it or let you know how I feel because like I said I am not looking for sympathy or anything like that. If you want to talk fine, if not then that's fine too."

[Cheetarah]

That's too much. It makes you look guilty for looking for more by default because you go on too much about I am not looking for this or that, etc etc.

 

If you are so inclined, I would keep it very concise and simply let him know you didn't feel OK keeping it(brief explanation) from him, and there are no obligations, wish him well. It's too heavy for text, send an email that can be opened at his leisure and IF he so chooses to. I would not want to be sitting having a beer with the guys, casually look down at my phone and then I get a "btw, miscarriage" text that I can't even not read because it's right there in my face.

[agatha]

you deny so much looking for sympathy that it ends up looking like you do expect it. I don't condemn it, I know it's a pretty fragile moment of yours, and he's the only person who really could for a moment care about it as you do. like 'heck, for a couple of weeks I did have a kid'. I think I'd leave the details of the procedures away, but I'd tell him as well, even if that meant losing his friendship due to some misunderstanding.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think this will grab his attention, and have the outcome you're hoping for.

[agatha]

btw, when I did it, I did it by twitter dm Xp not classy at all, but at least I got the message accross.

 

but I agree with cheetarah, maybe something less "I don't need you" but more on the "Hi, I went to the doc a couple of days ago and passed the last few days wondering wether I should tell you this or not, but ultimately decided I would be more comfortable if you knew about it. He found out I had an incomplete miscarriage of a fetus of 6-7 weeks around x time ago. I actually had the symptoms, but thought it was just stress, and since I'm always on the pill never thought I could have been pregnant. either way, he did what he had to do, and gave me some meds, so there's really nothing to worry. Just thought you should know."

[AvaLennon]

Thank you agatha and cheetarah... I agree with the looking for sympathy part. And thank you agatha for rewriting a shorter and simpler version ... If I send it I will definitely alter it.

 

heartgoeson .. I'm really not seeking his attention and if it doesn't grab his attention then oh well at least I know I put it out there.

[AvaLennon]

agatha you said you did this also... did you also go through this then? If so how did your ex respond?

[shelty24]

I remember a friend of mine had a miscarriage after a breakup. Telling him just guilt tripped him back for awhile and then he left again.. which hurt her even more.

 

I would not tell him unless your sure this relationship is over for good and you don't want him back.

 

Why are you guys being friends anyway? You are just making it harder on yourself to let go and detach yourself from him.

 

Why do you feel he needs to know? I don't think men really get upset about a miscarriage unless your still together and he wanted the baby. So a cold response from him or no response may just upset you even more

 

have you told family or a friend? You should talk to someone who will be supportive and give you a cuddle. Someone who really cares.

 

I am not saying men are heartless. I just dont think they really "get it" or understand

[AvaLennon]

No shelty I don't want him back and have moved on, we would never work out for many reasons. I want to tell him because I think it's the right thing to do. I don't know why we're friends either honestly I think it's because we were friends before and when we broke up he made it very clear he cared about me a tremendous deal.

 

Of course I told a couple people who are supportive. They are giving me the support I need, therefore I don't need it from him I just think it's the right thing to do.

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are very hard. And the added hardship of an incomplete miscarriage just adds to the pain. I am sure you are still in shock. Give it time and be kind to yourself. Hugs.