In dire need of help...

[miami16]

I've been looking through these forums for months now. But I've realized that nobody will truly be able to help me out unless I elaborate on my situation. It is pretty unique.

 

My girlfriend of seven years and I broke up over this past summer. Before dating, we had been childhood friends - "best friends" you can say. Knew everything about eachother. I was always the one she came to first and vice versa. We dated throughout high school. College came around and things got a bit rocky, but we stayed strong and kept the relationship going. Eventually, though, we began having constant fights over what seemed to be trivial matters. This frustrated me and eventually I decided that I needed some time alone to decide if this relationship was truly right for me and for her. Months went by, and although we were "broken up", we still talked and hung out constantly. I couldn't help it. I love the girl and neither of us could really let go... Or so I though.

 

After about 2.5 months of this, she informs me that her friend had set her up with somebody else. And within a week of this, she was "officially dating" him. I was crushed by this and sad to say, was constantly calling and texting her begging for her back. After about a month of this, I decided that I was making a fool of myself and cut contact. We didn't speak for 2 months after this.

 

By chance, she bagan working at the same store as one of my good friends. The two talked, and I came up in conversation. He suggested that we talk about things and at least "try to be friends". So she texted me, and we began talking. Texting led to phones calls and phone calls lead to hanging out, which led to her cheating on her new boyfriend. At this point, she began telling me that she was "so confused" and didn't know what she wanted. I told her not to make any rash decisions and to really think about it.

 

Time went by and we kept in heavy contact. But suddenly, she decided that she made "bad judgement" and wanted to recommit herself to her current boyfriend. This did upset me and really did confuse me. Sadly, this kind of brought back my needy ways and I began constantly trying to get her attention... Once again, I got fed up with it and now we are once again at very, very low contact.

 

During our period of talking and seeing eachother, she would often say that she was afraid it would never work because her parents and friends have "seen me hurt her" and don't really want to see us together. I will admit, I am not perfect and I did make mistakes. But I don't think that I should be condemned for this. Everybody makes mistakes. Also, she seemed to dwell on the fact that "I didn't want her" when we broke up... Which is not the truth. All I wanted was space, and time to think. Also, during the time we were talking, she would always tell me about what she's been doing with her new boyfriend, how he takes her to look at engagement rings and how she plans on moving in with him after graduation (we all graduate this May). All of this with somebody you just met 5 months ago... It seems insane to me. And hearing about it surely didn't help me out much at all.

 

This is a kind of watered down version. I will answer any questions that you have for me.

 

I truly do love this girl and it kills me to see this happening. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do or where to turn at this point. I'm really hoping that you guys can help me. Thanks.

[miami16]

--Added info from this post to original--

[Bigchief]

Unfortunately it sounds as if its over. Shes got a new boy friend. Not all stories have a happy ending, but things always happen for a reason. Keep you head high and channel your frustration into exercise of something like that give it two weeks and see how you feel. Heart goes out bro its tough.

[miami16]

Thanks, man. It's definitely been hard. Just trying to keep myself busy but nothing seems to be helping. I want to get over it but at the same time I'm hoping she'll come back. I'm not in a good place right now.

[QWit]

Stop contact with her.. From what I read, she was enjoying still having you there while she was moving on with her new boyfriend.. She was liking the fact that you still were giving her attention.. She may have some feelings for you, but those feelings weren't enough to want to reconcile with you.. That should tell you a lot.. It's time for you to move on because she has made her choice.. No need for you to be at her beck and call..

[miami16]

Also forgot to mention that she told her boyfriend that we'd been hanging out and he told her he wasn't okay with it. So she told me we can just be just acquaintances. Kinda messed up after all we've been through and with her knowing how I feel about her.

 

This is the reason for our latest string of no contact.

[SooSad33]

Best thing for YOU is to break all of communications with her now... leave it be.

Out of respect for both of you.

She has moved on and does seem a bit confused and all, but..this is her choice & life.

 

In order for you to be able to 'accept & let go', is to have nothing more to do with her- anymore.

It'll take some time and is far from easy but is best for YOU now.

 

Look at no more contact and moving on with your own life now.. no matter what she's doing. it's her choice.

 

I'm sure this 'contact' you two had going for a time being has set you back again, but now, it's best to look at moving on and working on letting go.

 

Will take some time to accept, let go & move on, but I think it's best. Do no contact, at all now.

Work on taking care of you now...

 

tc

[milkystars]

Cut contact! You continuing to be in her life long after she's made a decision to be with another is giving her the support she needs and also a backbone to progress with her new relationship. If she is making the informed choice to no longer have a relationship with you, hanging on for longer as a 'friend' will only delay your healing and possibly become instrumental in allowing her to move on with another. If you want to move on, or at least have the chance of a reconciliation, cut contact. Your ex knows how much you love her and need her, and she clearly has a lot of unresolved feelings for you: but she needs to work them out herself. Let go for now! The universe will bring us what's rightfully ours if it's meant to be

[sophi3]

The universe will bring us what's rightfully ours if it's meant to be

Yup. The anxiety and hurt lessened when i stopped communicating with my ex. I figured i can only be friends once ive moved on completely. I dont think your ex was genuine with saying she wants to stay friends since she mentioned preferring to be an acquaintance. I know this hurts. Im still healing myself.

[miami16]

Update:

 

Of course the same day that I post this, I run into her out at the mall. We simply waved and exchanged smiles and a "hello". About 15 minutes later I get a text that says "Hey, where are you?"... I tell her I'm out to eat and she replies "Ok.". Why? I don't really understand this one.

[milkystars]

She's probably noticed that you've started to let go. Once she feels the rug of security being slowly dragged out from under her feet, she'll panic. And that's probably what she's doing now. Was there any need for her to text you once you'd seen eachother? Was her response to your answer indicative that it was necessary? NO! As the case with most breakups, the dumper likes to feel secure in that the dumpee is still there: whatever the case. Her texting you was probably a way of tucking her security blanket (you) up under her. I could bet you a million dollars that if you started seeing someone, she'd do the same and panic. No matter what the circumstances for a split, the dumpee and dumper usually had a great bond and took up a large chunk of their lives respectively. Once that's gone, we feel an instant need to fill that void with whatever we can get our hands on. Unfortunately once you're in a new relationship, we find that some voids are just too deep to fill. I know that if there was a real problems in my ex's life, he'd come straight to me. But because he's happy and carefree in his life with his new woman, there's no reason to need me around. You can still wave and say hi: keep it friendly! But don't give her too much. That way, we allow the other person to experience life without our comfort and warmth.

[miami16]

That's what I was thinking as well. However, she hasn't contacted me since. So I'm a bit confused.

 

Please keep the input coming. It's very helpful.

[miami16]

Just bumping this thread to the top. Really hoping for some more feedback. Thanks.

[sharky988]

Nothing really to add to the other posts so far. It sounds like during those times you were broken up -- but staying in heavy contact -- YOU thought it was because of the depth of your love and not being able to let go.... while SHE was using those times as a safety net to more comfortably move on.

 

It's sadly a very common scenario -- not that it makes it any easier to go through.

 

Really, it sounds as if the damage has been done and she's been able to transition to someone else without ever feeling the loss of you from her life. From now on, stick to No Contact so you can heal from this. She may change her mind one day -- or she may not. In either case, your number one job right now is to get over this breakup and find a way to move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

You CAN and WILL get past this -- and in time you'll have another relationship that's even richer and more fulfilling than this one!