my birthday and feeling unimportant

[Lady42]

Last thread continued...

So we were friends with benefits for a bit, things got really confusing and messy. I told him that we either needed to exclusively/officially date or part ways. He said he wanted to date.

Things became official about a week ago, and since then he has been visiting family in another part of the country.

I feel like he has been distant, hasn't called, barely texted, avoids questions about family and hasn't sent pictures. I understand he is spending time with loved ones but it's the holidays...

 

Today is my birthday, and I had mentioned last night how excited I was. I didn't even hear from him till about 20 minutes ago (after 6pm). He texted something along the lines of "happy birthday, wish you the best this year, have fun tonight"

 

I am upset about this, I feel like it was not high on his priority list to say anything earlier. Am I being too sensitive and/or selfish?

 

Thanks all!

[mhowe]

Yes...you just started dating or changed status.

You are an adult....you don't need him to celebrate. Or to make a big thing of your bday.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are being overly sensitive. You became official a week ago.

 

Don't you have friends and family to celebrate with?

[Lady42]

Of course I have family and friends to celebrate with. I was kinda disappointed he wasn't one of the first people I heard from. Who wouldn't want to hear from their "boyfriend" first thing? In fact last year he was one of the very first people to text me.

You're right maybe I am being overly sensitive though... Maybe thinking too much about it.

[FlashEng1]

Yes...you just started dating or changed status.

You are an adult....you don't need him to celebrate. Or to make a big thing of your bday.

 

Yes.. and yes you are being selfish... some may say extremely selfish.

 

Unfortunately for your newly established relationship, this is the season people tend to break away and be with their family.. A time to "come home." New relationships typically take the backburner until you return to the real world, but Christmas really is the time for you to sort of enter your bubble.. to escape the world from.. whether that's with a significant other, or out of town with close family. He sounds like the type of person who communicates less than you, and is a little less open than you.

This can either be a really good thing in hopefully helping you not be as needy over time; or a really bad thing as maybe you two aren't in sync when things like your birthday are a big deal, and it didn't get handled as such.

 

 

**Edit:

... oh... we replied at the same time, and something you said changes things..... "last year." .. I almost forgot you two have had history..? In this case maybe the ultimatum scared him into the relationship, but in reality he just wasn't ready for it.. at least not like you. In any case, you might do best moving on. Especially seeing as things like this meaning something to you.

[mhowe]

Hear from their bf...of a week...first thing. You are 27...not 7.

He spoke to you last night...Christmas day.

I don't see this ending well unless you dial back the expectations.

[Lady42]

I understand what you're saying but if you told your boyfriend who you have been good friends with for almost 2 years that you were excited about your birthday the next day, wouldn't you expect something from him before the evening?

[Lady42]

PS tomorrow is HIS birthday.

[mhowe]

No. I am sure you talked about your bday last night. In fact...I am sure you told him as much as you could. So why would he call you first thing to rehash it. I would call around 6pm as you were getting ready to go out. Like he did.

[mhowe]

PS tomorrow is HIS birthday.

 

So what? You are not children. No one is getting a pony. It is the day you were born.

Some people go crazy....others do not. Don't project your ideals on him. Because I know what you are thinking. .."I am going to call him first thing....maybe even 12:01am!!!"

[Lady42]

Last night our conversation was minimal. This has been through text no phone calls either.

[Kendahke]

Happy Birthday.

 

I feel your pain. My birthday is this Saturday and in the past I've had the same thing happen. The birthday gets lost in the shuffle of the holidays.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if my new guy forgets my birthday is Saturday... but I'm going to be at the spa with my daughter, so I'll be fine.

[ballerinababe]

He sent a very generic text message. You'd think he could have at least called you to wish you happy birthday over the phone. I would find that off-putting too, even if it is the holidays. It's not that you're expecting something huge from him, but some acknowledgment beyond what a superficial facebook friend might post on your wall doesn't seem like too much to ask! I remember my last birthday, I told my bf (whom I'd been with for 2+ years) that all I wanted for my 30th birthday was a handwritten birthday card. Did he do it? No. Instead I just got some e-card from amazon with a puny gift certificate. It was such an insult. And not surprisingly, I found out he had been cheating on me, and we broke up soon after that. So I can see how you'd be feeling bad. Honestly I don't think this guy is too interested in you. If he were, he would have been a lot nicer. Just because he's with his family for the holiday doesn't mean he has to be in a bubble and barely acknowledge you! If I were you, I would shift my expectations of this guy, and realize he probably is never going to be the boyfriend you hoped for. Just leave him alone, don't pout, don't complain -- simply call him up and wish him happy birthday tomorrow, and see what happens from there.

 

If a guy really were into you, he would've acted differently, in my opinion.

[mhowe]

He was a fwb until a week ago!

I don't think he's had time to pick up the Boyfriend Manual yet!

[Lady42]

@ballerinababe exactly! I expected more than something generic. I didn't even get a phone call. I felt like it was very impersonal.

 

@mhowe he should know how to treat someone. Everyone wants to feel special on their birthday. We've been friends for almost 2 years. I expected more from him.

[ballerinababe]

Yes, it might be a weird transition from FWB to BF, but to me it sort of seems like he wasn't too excited about that shift. He's still acting like an FWB. If he'd been excited about being together, I think he would have behaved differently.

 

OP, you said he told you he would like to "date," so perhaps he does not consider himself to be your boyfriend at this time.

[ballerinababe]

So how did you respond to his pathetic birthday text? What are you planning to do tomorrow on his birthday? Is he actually your boyfriend or are you guys just starting to date?

[DancingFool]

This is the same guy that when he asked for more than fwb, your response was "ha ha no"? So now that you suddenly decided you want a relationship with him, sprung that on him while he is away, you want him to flip a switch and suddenly be this super attentive totally in love boyfriend who can read your mind? Sorry, but I think you are being absurd...beyond absurd....just plain ridiculous. People don't change gears that fast every time you snap your fingers and want to go in a different direction. Get real. You have some serious work and patching up to do with him and some getting used to and warming up to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend situation before you can have any expectations at all.

[Lady42]

@ballerinababe you're right, he doesn't seem excited. He didn't seem excited on Xmas eve or Xmas either... Maybe that's why I feel so weird about the birthday text. I actually haven't responded yet. I think I'm just going to say "thank you!"

He is still going to be away tomorrow so we weren't planning on doing anything. We just started dating exclusively so I don't know if we've put the boyfriend girlfriend title on things yet.

[mhowe]

You clearly have...see post #4.

[FreedomRing]

Another vote for he isn't keen on you. I think you need to pull wayyyyyy back and disappear for a bit. I would send a similar dry bday text to him tomorrow if you're so inclined, and then start moving on. It's painfully obvious he couldn't care less..

[Ms Darcy]

No I would not. If I do want to hear from him I would ask him to call.

 

After a year together my bf got me pencils for Christmas last year. He basically said he forgot what we talked about and felt really bad. Generally he is a wonderful bf but he needed a specific list of what I wanted for Christmas.

 

This year's Christmas was awesome once I gave him a list Sometimes it's best to make your expectations/desires clear.

[Lady42]

@msdarcy, I've told him over and over again what I need from him. He was extremely inattentive last time he went away (literally texted once in two weeks) We discussed it in person and I told him I would like to hear from him more and pictures of his family etc. He said "wow that's such an easy thing to do to make you happy" but almost the same situation this time. Common sense would tell you if every time you text the guy you're dating you get an extremely generic answer then there's a problem.

 

I tend to second guess myself but after seeing your (everyone's) responses I really think he's playing games STILL.

[Ms Darcy]

@msdarcy ... I tend to second guess myself but after seeing your (everyone's) responses I really think he's playing games STILL.

 

Well if you feel this way, do you want to keep dating him? What's your next step?

[Lady42]

@msdarcy I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen from here. I want someone who is interested in me, excited to talk to me, and is happy to be a part of my life. I thought once things became official and especially during the holiday season (when people tend to become nostalgic) he might put in more effort.

 

It's funny because last year at this time when we were friends and there was no romantic interest whatsoever--- he was the first one to wish me a happy birthday, very interested in my day and what I was doing, and excited to invite me to his festivities.

 

It just seems like he's closed up. Will not show any vulnerabilities.