Really depressed

[goodheartlady]

Dating in nyc is awful for women.

 

Just dated a guy who is 40, never married and never had a long term relationship. Tried to be intimate on four different occasions but he could not - ahem - perform.

 

On Friday, he freaked out mid breaking out, saying he has "a lot of pressure in his life" and bolted out of the door.

 

Good god, why am I even chasing after such a person? Because there are no men in the city. Sigh

[goodheartlady]

Okay I am ashame that I even engaged this person. Should just learn to be alone rather than trying four different times to make this work.

[Sportster2005]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You tried something and it failed. Welcome to the human race. Now you know what not to do. I think you may be indulging in a little hyperbole. I'm sure in a city the size of NY there must be some decent men. My gawd it's got more than a third of the whole entire population of Canada.

[mbee]

I understand your frustrations but dating is very hard. I have thought about this many times, comparing my single vs. happily married/in a relationship friends. Just some people meet that person straight away, maybe have more active lifestyles where they actively meet people who have similar interests and personality traits, etc. For most of us finding the right person is tough, and view that as a good thing. People aren't disposable, love is rare and should be cherished and it's a beautiful thing that once you find it, you know it and hold on to it.

 

I've seen many posts on this forum from guys living in NYC who complain about how hard it is to meet nice women, so there are definitely frustrations from both sexes. Just like any place, you just got to keep trying and do other fun things outside of online dating as well.

[Ms Darcy]

Just dated a guy who is 40, never married and never had a long term relationship. Tried to be intimate on four different occasions but he could not - ahem - perform.

 

No offense, but 40, never married, no long-term relationships is a red flag. Suggests some aversion to commitment, bad social skills, and/or has very unattractive traits.

 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know a lot of people of both genders complain about dating in big cities. I would encourage you, especially as a woman who is presumably near 40 also and interested in settling down, to dating guys who live in the burbs/outside the city as well.

[mfan]

Dating in nyc is awful for women.

 

Just dated a guy who is 40, never married and never had a long term relationship. Tried to be intimate on four different occasions but he could not - ahem - perform.

 

On Friday, he freaked out mid breaking out, saying he has "a lot of pressure in his life" and bolted out of the door.

 

Good god, why am I even chasing after such a person? Because there are no men in the city. Sigh

 

Sounds like you're a bit desperate, and it's hard to make good decisions when in this state. Like shopping for food when you're hungry - you end up buying a lot of crap that's not good for you. But, it builds character and I think this is the test that is really what dating is all about. Those who fail turn into complete losers, but it will not happen to you. Can you withstand the temptation and pass the test? I'm sure you can, and we'll all help you. Best of luck.

[annie24]

No offense, but 40, never married, no long-term relationships is a red flag. Suggests some aversion to commitment, bad social skills, and/or has very unattractive traits.

.

 

I sort of disagree with you here... Well, someone might be a good match but has never been in a serious relationship for any number of reasons. And being in a long term relationship doesn't mean that person is all together. I'm sure we all know total whack jobs who somehow have been in a stable relationship for years.

 

I went on a date once with a guy who was 36 and divorced. He said that's better than being 36 and never married. I wonder why having a failed marriage under your belt is better than being 36 and more picky about who you married?

 

anyway, this guy definitely has proved to have issues so maybe this is all moot. We all have issues, I guess you want to find someone who accepts you and you accept them.

[mfan]

No offense, but 40, never married, no long-term relationships is a red flag. Suggests some aversion to commitment, bad social skills, and/or has very unattractive traits.

I also disagree with this. However,

 

"a lot of pressure in his life" and bolted out of the door.

someone who has a lot of pressure in his life - I think that's the red flag.

[Ms Darcy]

I sort of disagree with you here... Well, someone might be a good match but has never been in a serious relationship for any number of reasons. And being in a long term relationship doesn't mean that person is all together. I'm sure we all know total whack jobs who somehow have been in a stable relationship for years.

 

I went on a date once with a guy who was 36 and divorced. He said that's better than being 36 and never married. I wonder why having a failed marriage under your belt is better than being 36 and more picky about who you married?

 

anyway, this guy definitely has proved to have issues so maybe this is all moot. We all have issues, I guess you want to find someone who accepts you and you accept them.

 

I understand Annie. Not saying those traits make him a whack job or better than someone who has been divorced a bunch. But it's a flag you need to follow-up on.

 

Like you said, if he was "picky" and that's why he never got into an LTR or marriage, you really need to know that. Like I said, it could be because of aversion to commitment. If he's out there looking for 'Ms Perfect,' that is not the guy I would want to date AT ALL. It suggests he has unrealistic expectations and is not really ready for the commitment and compromise required by a LTR.

 

If you have never had a relationship by age 20 or even 30, I get it. But by 40? At the VERY LEAST you and I won't have the same values. If he is prioritizing his career, for example, instead of dating he would not have the time availability I would want and need in a life partner. I would not want to marry an ER doc who is rich but working 80 hours a week for example.

[unscene72]

I have dated in NY before I think you have had to do it to understand the true meaning of this thread - it is a truly painful parallel universe experience. For 10 guys I did meet 1 incredible man - I live there seasonally and even 2 seasons I felt like I had been through the full spin cycle in a washing machine. this most wonderful man in the world who I believe is a soul mate in some form broke down "the game" or the front that is required from men in dating (NY state of mind) eventually he became the real person luckily he was a good seed to begin with I was stunned by what men think a woman wants or how to start off so they are out there but only fate or destiny is going to put them in your lap in that city. People there are also broken generally from forming connections and then that person eventually leaving as most people do once the city spits them out (why everyone has a dog) so most people are scared of forming attachments anyway though they wont admit it so there is a form of abandonment issue in many people in a low lying form there on top of the men to women ration issue. I believe you don't need to try looking it will just burn you out if its meant to find you it will in that city - my best friend there in real estate had a theory - get them fresh of the boat i.e. a new transplant from somewhere else before they become aware of the power they have as men there in ratio of men to women and just what they can get away with in general in that city - he will eventually catch on to the game fast. She is now married in 1 year he had been there for 2 weeks when she snagged him.

 

for those that don't know it works - Don't try and compete with anything one of the Russian women would go for (or for any man that would even entertain a date with a Russian) your days are numbered no wall st. er's (done that oy vey) probably not good doing real estate or advertising execs either to much power to what someone needs or wants i.e. free sex to get what is not easy to get your hands on and you are just taught by your boss how to play the game anyway as a man (or woman to get a commission on an apartment) - this all sounds crazy but trust me having a wall st guy tell you the game makes you want to write a book - maybe look to Brooklyn (shock horror yep Brooklyn they seem a bit more earthy except now BK is the new Manhattan they will be too lazy to leave the borough to look for other women anyway ) - multiple date pretend like you don't care except but DONT actually because the game on top of the game will mess with your mind then you will actually meet a good one but be dating someone elser you like and one will freak out and realize you cant multiple date and then the one you really liked can not multiple date and its too late to get the other one back - go get an out of towner you will hate a LDR but honestly you are going to have the same sort of relationship with someone in the city anyway with their headspace so may as well be a normal one in a LDR - thing is do you really want to live in the city if you want to settle down - probably not as you will want your man out of the city where all the hungry women are anyway so half your work may as well be done already by finding one who doesn't live there

 

I moved home and met someone in 4 weeks - I kept expecting him to have another woman it took me a long time to get comfortable with the fact not all people do that - there are normal guys but they are the minority - I think the guy having a child or something helps something that has to ground you

 

watching sex in the city after dating is like watching a show nonone else knows they are watching once you have done it!

 

sorry I felt like a rant when I saw this post!

[NorthDallas40]

Apparently NYC has a shortage of periods, as well.

 

Unscene - your post would make a lot more sense with some punctuation!

[goodheartlady]

I was really trying to keep an open mind.

 

1) he told me the stuff with never having had a relationship at age 40,

 

2) he told me that he has sexual issues. He is a male masochist and is attracted to dominant women. Mind you, I am a pretty regular person when it comes to sex.

 

3) he repeatedly said that a woman has to be "patient" with him - because he has a lot going on in his life. He is concerned about his job to degree that he has anxiety of it.

 

I was really really trying my best to keep an open mind about all of this stuff. There are not a lot of single, available men in my age group.

 

I think at some point, we just have to make peace with the fact that we may die alone. It is actually more damaging to try so hard to make things work.

[annie24]

i hear you! it is frustrating too, the dating world. though my mom remarried at 63, and my friend's mom just got remarried, also in her 60s, maybe 70s.

[bulletproof]

How are you meeting the guys you date?

[goodheartlady]

This man is a friend of a friend. Met at a mutual friend's birthday party. He has an average middle class job in IT. And my friend is in IT as well.

 

He called today to say that he hopes that I would not disclose his sexual preference to our common friends. I was like, "really? You think I would even consider doing something like that?" His answer was "I don't know." Really, do you think a 32 year old woman would be so heartless as to divulge your personal information?

 

Finally what bugs me the most is that he - despite of all his issues - seems to have more options that I do. He can be the chooser and the decider, while I had to try so hard to work around his issues. Sigh.

[annie24]

lol, that would be such and awkward conversation - "Joan, Steve, I'd like to tell you about Michael's sexual preferences...."

 

lol.

[Ms Darcy]

Finally what bugs me the most is that he - despite of all his issues - seems to have more options that I do. He can be the chooser and the decider, while I had to try so hard to work around his issues. Sigh.

 

Given what you say about him, he may have a larger volume of dates but obviously chicks are not sticking around.

[diamondhead]

Felt a little sad reading this post. Maybe he was like me, a virgin and scared. I guess there is no place for somebody like me.

[annie24]

I don't think this guy is a virgin. He said that he is really into being dominated, probably why he couldn't perform with vanilla sex.

[goodheartlady]

Diamondhead, a lot of people are very accepting towards others with limited sexual experience.

I was. This guy bolting out of the door was more of a problem.

[annie24]

yeah, it's hard to be patient with someone as they're running out the door. yikes.

[Ms Darcy]

Diamondhead, a lot of people are very accepting towards others with limited sexual experience.

I was. This guy bolting out of the door was more of a problem.

 

Agreed. Limited experience isn't necessarily the problem. Bad social skills and not working on one's issues is!

[savignon]

I am always interested by "dating in NYC" posts b/c my imagination says it would be so easy to meet people there (a la Sex in the City). At least you're in good company... It's hard, more often than not, to find a good match for a serious relationship and that seems to be regardless of location.

I agree he probably couldn't roll with the non-dominant sex. Keep your chin up...your efforts to try and meet him halfway speak to the kind of person you are.

[annie24]

Maybe it's the "kid in the candy store" mentality, together with many people having intense jobs. You don't want to settle for less...

[mfan]

I think the "kid in a candy store" mentality, often applied to large cities and to online dating sites with lots of members, may be a fallacy. To give an analogy, compare a small college to a large university. The large university does have more freshmen, but it also has more seniors. A large city (or online dating site), compared to a small city, does have more naive immature people (people who treat it like a menu and only order the caviar) but it also has more seniors (people who have matured and are ready to be serious and honest about finding a relationship).

 

In general, I think volume is good because in general it's not just random and there is some ability to "sort" it. For example, when you go to a large university, you take freshman courses when you're a freshman and senior courses when you're a senior. Some natural "sorting" of the immature vs the mature is bound to happen even in a big city. What do you think?