advice needed

[misjudgedornot]

This will be a long read, I apologize. I do however, need advice from people I don't know. Too many judging people around me who have more skeletons in their closet than I do. Anyways.. First off, I was married and technically still am. I found out my husband was cheating on me with my sister. It wasn't the first time I had caught him cheating and at that point, I was done with him. After a few weeks, we started talking about our problems and I was accused of a lot of the problems. Seeing things from his side, I thought maybe there was some truth in what he said, so I tried changing myself. Six months later, I still wasn't good enough. I met someone online and at first, we really hit it off. He seemed like another version of me and I was enjoying his company. We started dating and my husband starting realizing what he was missing out on. After a few months, the new boyfriend broke up with me over a picture on Facebook. Not a normal picture. One with hands and a saying on it. Nothing that should have prompted such a reaction. The husband and I started working out our differences and he was in the midst of leaving my sister when she just so happened ended up pregnant. So, our chance of fixing our marriage was screwed up if not before, definitely then. Bad father, left him, blah blah.. he wanted to be a good dad. Understandable but staying with my sister when there were other options didn't make much sense to me. Well the boyfriend that dumped me decided he wanted another chance. I told him I wasn't sure I was ready for another round. But I gave it my best and we have been together since. Seems though he is constantly depressed and lacking friends. Thinks exes and women that wanted to ...well to put it bluntly but nicely...screw him are the best types of friends for him to have. One girl that he met after we were together, via online, caused major problems with us when I found out he had been talking to her in a sexual way through texts. I confronted him, he told me that it was his suicide partner. What I read had nothing to do with dying.. I let it go. I guess that was a big mistake because I have had to talk to him about this girl four times already and looks to be a fifth. She just keeps popping up and I truly don't know if it is jealousy, past experiences, or just my mistrust in him that is causing such problems. I am no saint. He found things I had written my husband at a time when I thought him and I were going to break up. He shows more attention to material objects than to people, the new boyfriend that is. He swears it is a mental condition and for the most part, I believe him but there are parts of me that wonders if it is a bs line just to get by with what he does. He has again blocked me from seeing his friends list on Facebook. Which means he is hiding girls he doesn't want me to see. This has been done at least twice before. Usually when he is talking with this one particular girl. I guess my question is do I confront him about her again? Do I see where this goes without mentioning her? Am I reading too much into it all? She isn't the only girl who wants to be with him. Probably won't be the last either. He swears he loves me but I can't help but feeling like I need a justifiable reason to be out of this relationship.

[ParisPaulette]

Bluntly speaking, you need to kick the BF to the curb. He's cheating on you, you know it and I know it. You aren't being at all unreasonable, you are being way too reasonable if anything.

 

You are putting up with cheating from men way, way too much. After the first time they cheat that should be it, they're out of there, gone, goodbye. Instead you take them back. Okay, a second chance fair enough, but then when a third incident pops up it's time to yell, "Your out!" in your best umpire voice then shove them out the door. I see the same pattern repeating with your ex-husband and who needs that. You don't need a reason to break up with this guy, but "I already went one round with a cheater, not willing to do two, goodbye" is more than a good enough reason to block and delete him from your life.

 

Then I would actually urge you to stop with any more relationships for awhile. Let yourself heal from your marriage and from this second go round, learn about yourself and the world and maybe do some self-help or counseling even to find out why you let the men you give your heart to cheat on you over and over. You've given both these guys far too many chances as it is and you should know history repeating itself won't be any kinder. You deserve better, but part of that means you show the ones who won't give you that better to the door.

[SooSad33]

Sorry- but I do NOT see much 'love' here. Your new boyfriend does not love you if he has to have the attention of numerous other women.

And sounds controlling.. amongst other thing. He doesnt sound too stable or hopeful.

 

As for you? I suggest YOU Back away from both. Come to terms with your life & situation clearly.

Work on the break up of your relationship with your husband and the emotions that'll follow.

 

I find it's way too soon to be thinking of a new relationship with all that has been going on. Do you think that you just jumped at the chance with the first thing that came upon you? Like this new dude?

 

I honestly think you should deal with your more personal self on your own, for a while to get your head & heart straight again. Instead of acting out this way.

 

Get rid of this new guy... do you really think this crap of what he's up is what YOU really need right now? MORE hassle?

[DancingFool]

You were tolerating a cheating husband and moved on to a cheating bf and are now putting up with that. Why? They both need to be firmly put out to the curb and you need to keep away from dating and relationships for a bit. Figure out why you have such low standards, and why you are drawn to men like that, and why you tolerate that for as long as you do.

[Janeiac]

Misjudgedornot, I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It sounds very painful, and what you need right now is healing.

 

Please consider all the advice in this thread. I think most people on the outside (that's who you want to hear from, right?) would agree that neither guy is doing you any good and you are better off without both. Don't let either one of them continue to mess with your happiness. You don't need any reason other than they make you unhappy. Tell each of them goodbye, then begin taking care of yourself.

 

We are here to talk you through when it gets rough. You can do it! Good wishes to you.

[catfeeder]

This is all a lot of wheel spinning to avoid learning how to be alone.

 

If you're not willing to tackle living solo for a while, you'll continue to bottom-feed and position yourself at the mercy of disloyal men--and you'll keep wasting your energy on bad dramas over bad behavior.

 

You don't need to put up with any of this. If you're not willing to walk away from it, then you won't learn the confidence and solidity it takes to make wise choices--and you'll keep leapfrogging to men who cheat.

 

Head high, and consider being brave.