Disrespectful? Why?? :(

[Future]

This week my girlfriend and I got into an argument, because I think she was being disrespectful to me. She has disappointed me multiple times by e.g. flirting with others when we are going out and then this weekend someone kissed her in the neck when she danced with her. She said she was in shock and that she didn't know that this girl would do that to her. Later she apologized for this and said she would never do this again, and that she was doing this to make me feel jealous.

 

She always tries to make me feel jealous. So that's what our argument is about. Even her friends agrees with me. They do say that she IS a flirt and that is the way she is, but that she would never cheat on me.

But today I am going to send her a message telling that I don't tolerate things like this in a relationship and that isn't what I look for in a girlfriend.

 

During our argument she keeps saying that it isn´t her fault and she never had those intentions to flirt with others. She was just being social.

 

I am so mad at the moment and am gonna say that I need my distance now. I don't want to break up, but it is so hard. I've fell in love with her and now it's hard to let go, but I know I have to. I want her to fight for me before I forgive her. I'm also scared that she isn't willing to fight and that maybe she just doesn't love me enough. That she'll give up...that would hurt the most.

 

I guess I just need someone to talk to keep me sane. Any replies would be appreciated..

Why do women do things like this?

[Tanzi]

She sounds emotionally immature. It seems she is someone who doesn't want to act within the confines of a committed relationship, even though she might like certain aspects or benefits of being in a relationship. It may NOT have been her fault that this girl kissed her but, then again, would someone do that if they didn't think it was going to be well received?

 

The biggest issue here is that her behaviour isn't what you look for in a girlfriend so whether or not she was shocked by the kiss, it seems that you aren't compatible. You need someone who values a relationship in the same way that you do.

[Future]

True.. That is also what I think and what my friends say. Still hurts though, opening up to someone after 2.5 years and finding out we're not compatible. We've been dating for 5 months! How unfortunate..

 

I am so mad but I know that being mad will pass away and regret & despair will come in the next stadium. I will forget about these bad behaviour and want to do everything to get her back. I hate that stage. What can I do to keep me from contacting her if this is all over?

[pippy longstocking]

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself here ...you are already planning on how to get her back .

 

She does sound very immature , to try and make another jealous says more about them than it does you .

 

I have to agree though that been a flirty person does not mean you are a cheat , some people just have a flirtatious nature .

 

 

this

 

I am so mad at the moment and am gonna say that I need my distance now. I don't want to break up, but it is so hard. I've fell in love with her and now it's hard to let go, but I know I have to. I want her to fight for me before I forgive her. I'm also scared that she isn't willing to fight and that maybe she just doesn't love me enough. That she'll give up...that would hurt the most

 

can only get you in trouble because you are playing a game ...you are threatening all this to see if she will fight for you thus proving her love for you ...which in essence is exactly what your g/friend is doing...making you jealous so it proves your love for her .

 

so instead of all the mind games ....sit down and talk .

[Future]

Hi shooting star, thank you for your reply.

I am not planning on getting her back. Was asking on advice on how to KEEP ME FROM contacting her IF this is all over. Because if she doesn´t prove to me that she WANTS to work on it, I don´t want to be with her anymore.

 

I am not playing a game. We've talked before, but that didn't end well so I'm trying a different approach. I've just sent a mail with my deep-down thoughts and told her that I'm just very hurt. Then I said I need some time, which is true. But I´m not threatening to break up. This is her chance to talk to me about it. She just responded to my mail with "am i allowed to respond or not?". I said "you are".

I guess she has something to say now.

[pippy longstocking]

It still feels like a dangerous game to play ....you want her to fight for you ..you want her to prove herself . Don't get me wrong I hope she does , you are upset and hurt and I totally feel that ...just trying to advise you not going to far , because we can't make someone prove their love .

 

Just make sure you are ready to see this through .... the advice for not contacting her is simply will power ...haha I know ...it takes a lot .

 

I hope you both get it resolved

[Future]

Well, I want her to at least ABSORB my concerns and TRY to understand my values of a relationship. I don't need her to change, because I know that is almost not possible. But I need to FEEL that she cares enough to try to work on the relationship. If it's only one-way, it's a bad way.

 

I agree with you though, I don't always see how far I can go in a relationship. How far I can permit / dispermit things. I guess there are no set of rules here, but just my own feelings?

 

Yeah, well.. true.. and I hope so too. If not, WILL POWERRRRR

[pippy longstocking]

Well, I want her to at least ABSORB my concerns and TRY to understand my values of a relationship. I don't need her to change, because I know that is almost not possible. But I need to FEEL that she cares enough to try to work on the relationship. If it's only one-way, it's a bad way.

 

I agree with you though, I don't always see how far I can go in a relationship. How far I can permit / dispermit things. I guess there are no set of rules here, but just my own feelings?

 

Yeah, well.. true.. and I hope so too. If not, WILL POWERRRRR

 

oh bless you

 

I don't think there can ever be a guideline ..each couple has to find their healthy respect bounderies ...and you are doing your share by telling her what you don't like , and no it is not right to flirt etc etc ...

[Kendahke]

she didn't know that this girl would do that to her. Later she apologized for this and said she would never do this again, and that she was doing this to make me feel jealous.

 

Then her apology is worthless if she was going along to make you jealous.

 

She always tries to make me feel jealous. So that's what our argument is about. Even her friends agrees with me. They do say that she IS a flirt and that is the way she is, but that she would never cheat on me.

But today I am going to send her a message telling that I don't tolerate things like this in a relationship and that isn't what I look for in a girlfriend.

 

Don't send that lukewarm, milquetoast message. Either tell her "I'm done, I'm out", or keep your thoughts to yourself because telling her what you will and won't tolerate, yet again, is nothing but clingy drama. Show her that you don't tolerate it by bouncing.

 

During our argument she keeps saying that it isn´t her fault and she never had those intentions to flirt with others. She was just being social.

 

She's lying. 1. It is her fault because she is the one who ok's it in her mind to proceed in the action, knowing how you feel about it. 2. she has every intention of doing it because she wants the attention. 3. Being social and flirting are two different things. You can be social and not play intimacy games with others.

 

I am so mad at the moment and am gonna say that I need my distance now. I don't want to break up, but it is so hard. I've fell in love with her and now it's hard to let go, but I know I have to. I want her to fight for me before I forgive her. I'm also scared that she isn't willing to fight and that maybe she just doesn't love me enough. That she'll give up...that would hurt the most.

 

Don't expect for her to fight for you. A narcissistic person never fights for anyone but themselves. Prepare yourself to be hurt by the reality of this person you've chosen to throw in with because she's getting ready to disappoint you in a big way.

 

I guess I just need someone to talk to keep me sane. Any replies would be appreciated..

Why do women do things like this?

 

2 reasons: 1. She's selfish; and 2. She can.

[shelty24]

Right now you are both being emotional immature. Breaking up with someone because you want them to "fight for you" or "prove their love" is not a good way to handle conflict in relationship and it just makes everything way more complicated..

 

I disagree with people who say flirty behaviour doesn't equal cheat. It shows she is insecure, she likes attention and wants drama as she admits herself she wants to make you jealous. So if you and she have a huge fight or go through a rough patch etc-the first thing she is gonna do is cheat

 

you have only been together 5 months. That is the honeymoon period where most people are on their best behaviour and just want to impress each other. She is already showing major red flags and it should be a deal breaker coz it will just get worse.

 

I think you should break up with her, mean it and move on. Don't play games

[Future]

This is what she replied me:

 

She disagrees with me about the disrespectful part, because in her opinion she's always open and honest about everything. She says she has never cheated in her life. And that I shouldn't use her words against her. She asks me to stop talking about past behaviours and thinks I'm just "pushing her in the ground" (it's a Dutch saying, it's not positive).

 

She says she cannot focus on anything right now because her mom is dying. And that she's not using this as an excuse. She says I don't trust her and without trust there is nothing. She also says it was never her intention to hurt or disrespect me. Also she wishes for me to be in her footsteps for once.

 

She also says she wants to be with me and doesn't want anyone else.

 

I don't want anyone else either, but still we have this issue. How can I talk to her without her getting this defensive? What do you guys think?

 

 

@Kendahke yeah, I won't stay with her if there is no solution. For my own sake. Thanks for your reply.

[shelty24]

It doesn't matter whether or not she thinks its disrespectful. You think it is and it is you that she is hurting. You could say the same thing to her "why cant you put yourself in my shoes"

 

she is using manipulate tactics eg "you dont trust me" instead of telling her you do trust her-tell her you cannot trust someone who is acting untrustworthy.

 

Stop letting her get away with it. Her defensiveness is a sign of guilt. If she wasn't guilty she would handle it a whole lot differently by trying to reassure you-not push the blame on you

[bulletproof]

Basically, you are staying with someone and trying to change this person's behavior. How will that work long-term? I don't know that she is getting defensive as much as she is telling you that she is not cheating, and her intentions weren't to hurt you. You are asking how you can "talk to her" but the fact is that you already have. I think what you are really asking is, "how can I change her?" and the answer is that you can't. So either accept that she is flirtatious or move on.

[DancingFool]

You are too insecure and jealous to handle a relationship with someone like her and that's that. So you want to change her to suit your tastes and make you feel safer. Not going to work. She is correct in stating that you either trust her or you don't. If you don't, there is no future for your relationship. Either you know she is a trustworthy human being or you know she isn't. You need to make up your mind about that act accordingly. Trying to stop her from being who she is will never work in the end and be destructive to both of you.

[mhowe]

First of all, "women" dont do things like this....your gf does. Don't paint the world with her brush.

 

Second, never text a message regarding how you are feeling or about her behavior. It is an important enough topic to handle face to face.

 

Third, don't threaten with "distance". Work it out or walk away. No one needs to "fight" for anyone else.

She is either committed to the relationship, or she isn't.

Again, a conversation that needs to be had.

[Kendahke]

A person who wants to be with you and no one else doesn't act in a manner where the person they want to be with is under constant emotional duress due to their flirtateous actions. She willfully creates a scene/allows foreign energy to come in between you two and the best she can say about her actions is that you don't trust her? You can't trust someone who allows anyone up into that place of intimacy where you, as her declared other, should be the sole person. Period. She's breathtakingly selfish if she can't see that problem.

 

Being "open and honest" about what she's doing has nothing to do with her knowing that her actions are hurtful to you. She's telling you she doesn't give a rip if you're upset---that her spreading her intimacy all around for everyone to share is more important than your esteem and your feelings.

 

Her mom dying has nothing to do with her allowing everyone else up into said place of intimacy to the point where you're being hurt. I think it was low down for her to even say something like that and use it to justify her sticking to her tack.

 

She may love you, but she doesn't love you in the way in which you need in order to feel special and above anyone else in her life, romantically speaking. Her love falls short of that mark miserably.

 

Aside from the fact, she is a master manipulator and for that, I refer you to my signature below:

[SooSad33]

Why do 'women'? Well, I don't.. never did.

 

If this is the way she is? Then nothing you can do to change that.. and it's getting to you. Can understand that.

Whether she will fight for you? Don't know yet- you'll find out when/if you break away.

 

What is this? She never had those intentions to flirt? Well yes, obviously she does. (and you mentioned how she 'admitted' to make you jealous.)

 

I agree, lay it on the line now. She should have some proper respect for YOU and your relationship.