Emotional Affair

[MJ3]

My bf of 8 years brokeup with me when I wanted to confront him about a girl (S) he had started showing interest in lately (they had exchanged about 200+ emails in 10 days). We havnt spoken to each other for 2 months since that day, although he occasionally emails me, to which I do not reply.

 

Flash back

In 2009, we had a brief breakup of four months when he was caught spending excessive amount of time chatting with a girl (M) on the net. He denied having sex with her and begged me to come back and even followed me to another country where I had gone holidaying. That time I asked him to cut any and all contact with M, to which he agreed and promised.

 

Now

Just a couple of weeks back I found out that he actually did not break any contact with this girl (M) and they have been calling, chatting, texting and meeting. I blindly trusted him for all these years and now I am very hurt and angry. I feel deceived and betrayed.

I want to know if I should confront him on my latest discovery (about M and his secret meetings and chats) or let time take its own course. I want to heal and move on. I have been writing and keeping a diary about my feelings, but it has not been very helpful. I sit and talk to myself, assuming he is in front of me and vent my anger and cry. Still to no avail.

I feel I should sort this issue with him one-to-one and ask him WHY?? On the other hand I am not sure if this is the right approach. Please, I need guidance.

 

PS: We were planning to get married this summer.

[ricketyfence]

Hi MJ,

 

To confront or not confront, I like to think that ignorance is bliss but you know whets going on? You can feel it, you have such and emotional attachment to this guy that you cannot let him go.

 

MJ he lied and he was deceitful to you, you are supposed to be his best friend he should be able to tell you everything (even if he has a friend who is a girl) but, instead he has been careless with your heart

And disrespectful to your bond as partners in life.

 

MJ, The other woman is important but primarily it’s the behavior that I would be most worried about, will this behavior end? Is this type of behavior something that you want in a life partner? Where will the deceit stop?

 

You will make the choice and it will be the right one there is a great quote by tony Robbins "thank god he left me, that means I am now available for someone who is right for me"

 

I hope this help - Ehugs - good luck !!

[chitown9]

He broke up with you last time you wanted to confront him about this other woman so now you are afraid to confront him again about the same thing. Do you realize how messed up that sounds? You feel betrayed and deceived because you were betrayed and deceived. No mystery about that! I can only tell you what I would think about this situation if I were in your shoes, and I would think this: "If he wants this other woman so bad, let him have at it." He has been in contact with this woman for FOUR YEARS, and you believe that they have had no sexual physical contact. Really! I don't see any value in having any discussion with him. What good has that done in the past? He just tells you what you want to hear and then continues to do what he wants. He has lost all credibility, so why in the world would you want to talk with him? You really do need to move on because this guy has just wasted a bunch of years of your life. Please, get on with your life and block him from contacting you. chi

[lerenard]

Don`t confront him, and keep ignoring his e-mails.

You deserve better, good that you are not married to him.

[20sgal88]

Yeah, I agree cutting the guy loose. Complete waste if time. He's shown his true colors. It sucks and I am sorry. But it's for the best. I'd rather be alone than strung along and lied too.

[MJ3]

Thanks ricketyfence. Yes, I am also worried about the pattern. Btwn Ur quote brought a smile on my face

Yes I have decided to let him go...its just very hard.

And I agree with everyone else that he is not worth keeping. But its hard on a day to day basis. I still have to break the news to my parents...

[lavenderdove]

OK, here's the thing: People can and do have affairs all the time, including emotional affairs that often lead to physical ones. And given what you are saying here, there is a very high chance that he not only is having an emotional affair with this M., but also a physical one if they are meeting up. Pepole who are the type to NOT have affairs don't get why someone would do that, and will believe lies about what is really going on, but some people just enjoy having someone (or several someones) on the side to alleviate boredom and provide stimulation and attention.

 

So he's done this twice that you know of... and from the sound of it, you sound like you think he is not actually cheating, but all you have for that is what he tells you, and it is very easy to lie. The fact that he is seeing ANYONE behind your back for any reason is a HUGE red flag, and honestly you should not marry this person. He will do the same when married, and WILL carry on affairs because he has a pattern and history of not being able to stay focused/faithful to you. Venting your anger and crying does nothing to change that fact... he's a person who is just not happy with you and you alone and needs other women to amuse himself with.

 

So I know it is hard, but what you should be doing now is breaking this off. You can't trust this guy, and he doesn't take you seriously or respect you if he's done this twice and is still carrying on. So remind yourself of that, that this is a man who cannot be trusted, and who you were honorable with, but he was dishonest and dishonorable to you. The character flaw is in him, and you should not take this that all men are like that or that you'll never be happy, because you will be once you give this some time and get past this. There are decent men out there, and you just go involved with someone who wasn't decent, and you need to really accept that he wasn't you're 'one true love', he was just a nasty liar and cheat. So don't let him take any more of your time and life being angry that he turned out to be a jerk. He's a jerk, and you need to see him as such rather than as your 'lost love'... You need to reconcile your romantic fantasies about him with who he really was. It will be easier to let go when you realize that.

 

Asking him 'why?' won't change anything. He did it because it felt good and he wanted to and he was selfish enough to do something that made him feel good regardless of the impact on you. When people are deeply hurt, they want to rush to the person that hurt them and somehow expect that person to 'explain themselves' in a way that makes it all better. But there IS no such explanation for betrayal. They did it because they wanted to and enjoyed it. and they are the kind of people who don't have a strong moral sense nor do they spend much time thinking about how much they might hurt someone else. They're 'what's in it for me' kind of people, and they don't see much past that. So you'll never 'sort this out' because the truth is he is who he is and he's a cheater. You can't fix that. So your best path now is to totally cut contact with him and get on with your life looking for a decent man. Tell your family and friends that he was a cheater and hence you had to break up with him, then get on with your life, cut him off entirely and never speak to him again. The sooner you let go of him entirely, the sooner you'll heal and find someone else.

[lady00]

I don't think talking to him will help but if the only way for you to see that would be to talk to him, then do that.

[MJ3]

Thank you Lavenderdove for taking time out to reply in such detail. I agree I have to move on. I know it wont be easy. I have decided to call it off and move on with my life. He is just not worth spending anymore time and energy on. Thank you for your insights. It helped.

[MJ3]

Lady00, if need arises then I will. Right now I am going to give myself the first priority everything else can wait...even confronting him.