My Sister's Secrets and Lies Are Burying Me

[imsuperman]

My sister will be 25 very soon. Throughout her adult life, she has burdened me with secrets that she keeps from the family. She was engaged to one guy, and started dating another. She had a baby with the second guy sometime after breaking off the engagement.

 

The second guy had a notable juvenile temper, so of course my sister married him. I gave the marriage two years in a conversation with my cousin (my best friend) and was almost to the day correct, as they filed for divorce last week.

 

It came out sometime last winter that my sister cheated with her childhood crush while married. She continued seeing the guy she was cheating on him with, until some way or another it came out very recently that her soon-to-be ex husband had Hepatitis-C, which somehow the other guy found out about, and he of course freaked out (over text, I guess?). My sister claims to not have the disease, but who knows if it's just another one of her lies. Obviously before the Hep-C thing, everyone eventually found out what was going on with the cheating/break-ups due to the separations, this is just her latest cover-up.

 

My sister tells me all these terrible truths, and begs me not to tell the family. She envies that I'm "the good sibling" but has always doted on me. I feel like I'm going to explode whenever something like this comes up. I look at my sister and wonder if she'll make it to age 40. She's family, but her life has just been mush to this point. She also doesn't seem to care how her actions take a toll on me and the rest of the family.

 

Should I still be supportive of her and keep her secrets? How can I lighten my load of her burdens?

[lavenderdove]

Supportive of what? Her behaving badly?

 

You don't have to collude with an adult sister. But you sit her down now, and tell her you are sick of being put in this position where she behaves badly and you are expected to collude with her on that. So if she is going to do things like cheat and run around, you don't want to hear about it. And if she does tell you about it, don't expect you to hide it or not tell anybody.

 

In other words, put her on notice you are going to remove yourself from her drama. She gets to live her life as she pleases, but you don't have to participate in the crazy. And if she whines about Hep-C or whatever, you just say, what do you expect sleeping around with various guys. Start wearing a condom and I don't want to hear about your sex life.

 

So tell her you don't want to hear it. And if she tells you, you will tell the family because she is putting you in an impossible position. So if she doesn't want anyone else to know, then don't tell you either! And she needs to grow up and start living responsibility so she doesn't get into these kinds of messes and drama.

[Ironman3]

Well, she sure sounds like a wreck, no offence. But there is little you can do at this point. Telling her out to the family would only make everyone's pain worse. And since she is off on her own accord, there's nothing that anyone can do. Maybe you could try and give her some sincere advice when she comes and confides in you next time. I know you have probably tried this.

 

Or you could tell her that you can't be a part of what she is doing and ask her not to tell you coz it hurts you. Remember to tell her it hurts you coz in the end we dont want her thinking anything wrong. You cant and shouldnt be supportive of her coz basically she is destroying herself.

[amipushy]

This. Tell her and tell her straight that you are uncomfortable with what she is doing and you dont want to hear any more of her sordid secrets. Then stick to it. Remove yourself from her drama.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't know what it's like to have that kind of burden on you imsuperman but I do know what it's like to have that kind of sister. The kind that only thinks of themselves, who doesn't think of the consequences their actions will have on their family or what they are putting other family members through.... I know that burden all too well. But I agree with what lavenderdove wrote. Let her know you will no longer be her shoulder to tell on and if she does, it's not staying with just you.

[pl3asehelp]

You're not supporting her by doing nothing about her self destructive behavior -you're in fact just making it worse by enabling her instead bringing down the hammer.

[imsuperman]

You're not supporting her by doing nothing about her self destructive behavior -you're in fact just making it worse by enabling her instead bringing down the hammer.

 

Doing what exactly? I've told her I don't want to know before, but it's like she wants me to know to sort of lighten her load, so she just tells anyway. Trust me, she certainly doesn't need my help in making things worse.

[pl3asehelp]

Doing what exactly? I've told her I don't want to know before, but it's like she wants me to know to sort of lighten her load, so she just tells anyway. Trust me, she certainly doesn't need my help in making things worse.

 

Well when she makes these choices her conscience screams to her that what she's doing is wrong. And that is a sad lonely feeling. The kind of feeling that motivates us to be a better person. But then she spills to you and you're here to make her feel better about her atrocities. Which gives her the strength to go commit more of them. I would tell her you don't want to hear about anything she isn't willing to share with others.

[lavenderdove]

Tell her it is not your job to lighten her load, it is her job to lighten her load by NOT behaving inappropriately anymore. She needs to take responsibility for her own behavior and learn how to modulate it rather than behaving badly then dumping her sorrows in your lap. This is no different than an actively using drug addict constantly whining about the bad effects of drugs, but doing nothing to stop using them. You need to implement some tough love here, and tell her that as an adult, she can make any choice she wants, but don't expect you to sympathize with those choices or collude with her to hold knowledge of them but lie/deceive other family members in order to keep her sordid secrets. She needs to either do as she pleases and shoulder the consequences herself, or else stop expecting you to collude with her. Also have the number of a therapist/counselor handy and tell her if she needs to unburden herself and learn how to behave in a way that stops this kind of trouble, she needs to consult a counselor to unburden herself and learn to manage her life rather than you.

 

So if you've warned her several times, give her one final warning saying the next time she behaves badly she is on her own, and if she tells you about it, you WILL tell the others because you refuse to lie/hide what is going on from other family members because that forces you into an impossible position. And when she does spill the next thing, go ahead and tell all and maybe she'll learn her lesson and stop telling you or change her behavior. She must learn to be responsible for her behavior as an adult, and you have warned her, and if she violates that warning, that is her problem, not yours. Otherwise you are just contributing to her drama and helping her tolerate it rather than fix the negative behavior.