Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

I am really starting to miss Jay. Since the end of May he's been home for 10 days. A lot of nights on this last stint he's been super tired...he's in Utah...record heat right now. It's been 45 degrees (113 degrees in American) and he's working in it 12 hours a day. So he often calls but he's so tired that there's no real point. I tell him stuff that's happening, ask him how he's doing, and let him go to bed.

 

It sounds like he'll be back at the end of the month for 2 weeks. We want to take a week to visit his parents on the coast, and then he needs to be here to do some training in hopes that it will boost his application/resume for the fire department.

 

The fire department is holding info sessions on how to apply...so it looks like they'll be accepting applications in September or October...put out positive vibes for jay. Working st the fire department would be soooo good for him/us. 4 days on, 4 days off. Good pay. A pension. It would be really nice to be able to plan a life. Know when he'll be home from work...when we can visit friends. Our quality of life would be much better.

 

Anyway, fingers crossed.

[Seraphim]

Good luck to Jay!

[journeynow]

One thing I didn't like is that feeling of "sticking it to the man" that I got when I affirmed my boundary. I think I did it more out of vindication (you will NOT hurt my child again) than out of self reflection or realizing I was making a boundary.

 

I guess the outcome here is what I need to focus on...change has to start somewhere.

 

"you will NOT hurt my child again" is TOTALLY valid! Maybe vindication is the right word, but in a good sense. You are cleared of blame, this is your right as either self-protection, or protecting your child, both of which are your priorities. You and your daughter are your primary responsibilities in this moment.

 

If guilt kicks in, or tries to, it's probably the old habit testing the waters of your consciousness. If you can step back and be the observer of this, it is easier to just witness and let pass. (A friend explained it with "Oh, RIGHT, this is the part where I [get angry, cry, blame, feel guilty, ________ (fill in the blank)], and when he put it that way I got that it was just a temporary role that I chose to play but didn't have to extend it or identify with it.)

 

I don't think you are dense at all! You are close to the situation; perspective sometime comes later with time and distance. I'm not so close, so perhaps it is easier to see. Plus, boundaries are tricky for me at times, so I have been conscious of how others handle them, and it is easier for me to see another situation "on paper" than when it is happening in the here and now in my life. So thank you for sharing, because I learn, too. (I've also been contemplating about your mom; wanting to shake some sense into her and say "Come on! LISTEN already to your faraday! Pay attention!"

 

Hugs to you.

[faraday]

Yesterday mom texted me in the morning asking if we could go for lunch. So the three of us (Tine, mom and I) went for lunch...it was nice.

 

And then she came by and picked up Tine at dinner and took her to Macdonalds. My dad waited in the car. Apparently I owe him an apology *eye roll*.

 

She really seems to be making an effort to make things up to me. That's nice. I'm still going to keep boundaries though.

 

Jay called this morning. He sounds really bummed out I think he's pretty wiped...long days in the heat, he's been eaten alive by insects...he just wants to come home. He's got about 10 more days I wish I had something to cheer him up.

[faraday]

So one of my favourite comics that uses science just put out a new video... / and I feel so much better about waiting. I love that he uses studies and shares his sources.

[journeynow]

Yesterday mom texted me in the morning asking if we could go for lunch. So the three of us (Tine, mom and I) went for lunch...it was nice.

 

And then she came by and picked up Tine at dinner and took her to Macdonalds. My dad waited in the car. Apparently I owe him an apology *eye roll*.

 

She really seems to be making an effort to make things up to me. That's nice. I'm still going to keep boundaries though.

 

Jay called this morning. He sounds really bummed out I think he's pretty wiped...long days in the heat, he's been eaten alive by insects...he just wants to come home. He's got about 10 more days I wish I had something to cheer him up.

 

Oh, yay! Yay for a good lunch, and Tine going out with her Grandma as a surprise. And YAY for maintaining boundaries! They really are in everyone's best interests here. Your dad...if he wants to pout, that's his drama, not yours.

 

I feel for Jay in the heat and long days and insects and away from you and Tine.

 

(PS, enjoyed the video)

[mines]

Poor Jay, that sounds miserable, ugh, I really dislike anything hotter than 85 and that's pushing it! I'm sending positive energy that he gets hired by the Fire Department, that would be so wonderful! Fingers crossed!

[itsallgrand]

Wow, when Jay works, he WORKS. I feel bad for the poor bugger in that kind of heat! It's 20 here today and to me , that about perfect . 30s I start to feel sick. 40s is a hospital stay. That's amazing he's able to be out 12 hours a day in that!! I absolutely will send out good vibes for him and the fire department job.

 

Really nicely handled with your mom. You did good.

[faraday]

Thanks for all the Jay support

 

Yeah, I don't do well with anything over 27. It's been averaging above 30 here for the last week, and it's projected to continue for the next week. I am so not doing well...I struggle...it's too hot to sleep so I stay up later waiting for it to cool down but then I don't wake up early...and I'm grumpy. And sweaty.

 

I have no idea how Jay is surviving. Yesterday he didn't call and he sent one text, which was good because I knew he survived the day lol. He called this morning and he said everyone is "feeling crusty" which he had to translate for me...everyone on the job is done. They are all grumpy and exhausted and homesick. I feel bad for them

 

Has anyone checked out Reddit? I've been hanging out there lately...I like it. People are really friendly on there...and it doesn't seem to be cliquey.

[faraday]

Deleted

 

....

[journeynow]

hugs (((faraday)))

[faraday]

hugs (((faraday)))

 

Thanks I'm okay. I deleted the post above because I gave a painting to someone as a gift (I was planning on using it for advertising) of them on their wedding day...and I didn't hear back from them and I was kind of freaking out. But it turns out they love it. So that's good.

[journeynow]

That's good news! Glad you found out.

[faraday]

I'm watching The Handmaids Tale. It's scary how fast a new ordinary is made...one day you have a job and a family but it's striped away and no one fights, and suddenly you're less than human. It feels relevant.

[faraday]

6 more days until Jay is home. We're almost there. I miss him. This time he'll be back for 2 weeks before leaving for another month. It won't be like real time here though because he's taking a drivers course (to help out with his application for the fire department) and he needs to go to an orientation that the fire department is putting on....and he wants us to go visit his parents for a week (which I want to do as well, I just know there's not really going to be down time in there for him). And his parents just downsized to a 2 bedroom...so Tine will be sleeping on the floor in our room.

 

So it's been about 4 weeks on new ADHD meds...I'm so unmotivated. Going to have to figure something else out...I'm just not getting the things done that I want to get done. It's frustrating. Tomorrow I'm painting at a wedding. I'm mostly ready. I'm nervous. It'll be fine.

[IAmFCA]

re new meds... i gave up trying new ones. sticking with adderall for now. adding st johns wort to help my moodiness, which is due to flucuating hormones.

 

what are you trying?

[faraday]

re new meds... i gave up trying new ones. sticking with adderall for now. adding st johns wort to help my moodiness, which is due to flucuating hormones.

 

what are you trying?

 

I was on 80 mg of vyvanse....I love it so much but I'm not sleeping on that dose.

 

So now I'm on 50mg of vyvanse and 80 mg of straterra....except I'm supposed to take 40 in the morning and 40 in the evening and I always forget my evening dose. I lose steam around 5 and sit on the couch all evening. I hate that. Before I'd be moving and productive until 9-10 pm. I could probably remember to take the second dose around noon. I'll have to ask my doctor.

[Sportster2005]

I'm on a small dose of biphentin and a largeish does wellbutrin. Seems to work pretty good for me. Kind of unconventional though.

[faraday]

I'm on a small dose of biphentin and a largeish does wellbutrin. Seems to work pretty good for me. Kind of unconventional though.

 

I didn't know you had ADHD...and I've never heard of that stimulant, I'll have to look into it. Thanks

[Sportster2005]

I didn't know you had ADHD...and I've never heard of that stimulant, I'll have to look into it. Thanks

 

I thought it was obvious lol

 

Wellbutrin is technically an anti-depressant. I don't think it's of the SSRI type. It's old school. The Biphentin is though. The combination seem to work well for me. That and and an obsession with fitness

[IAmFCA]

I was on 80 mg of vyvanse....I love it so much but I'm not sleeping on that dose.

 

So now I'm on 50mg of vyvanse and 80 mg of straterra....except I'm supposed to take 40 in the morning and 40 in the evening and I always forget my evening dose. I lose steam around 5 and sit on the couch all evening. I hate that. Before I'd be moving and productive until 9-10 pm. I could probably remember to take the second dose around noon. I'll have to ask my doctor.

 

Try setting an alarm on your phone?

 

I need the adderall 5 mg in the afternoon or my evening flat lines just as you described. Learning to associate muddy thinking with "Take a 5mg?"

 

Thinking about switching to something like that wellbutrin blend that S described. I am freaked out about blood pressure and stimulants over the next 40 years. Because I intend to be a sprinter for that long.

 

I recently found an article about adhd and emotional responses that sounded a lot like me and Sportster at different times. It is odd how nuanced and pervasive adhd is.

 

I think my Slush crush is very adhd related. He is so unflappable, it is like stillness where I have none.

[itsallgrand]

I went to a spray night earlier today and it was so fun! I thought of you and how great you would be at running something like that. Maybe it's not feasible right now, but it's an idea to rattle around. The guys who own this business do it on the side for extra cash.

 

Hope you are doing well

[faraday]

I went to a spray night earlier today and it was so fun! I thought of you and how great you would be at running something like that. Maybe it's not feasible right now, but it's an idea to rattle around. The guys who own this business do it on the side for extra cash.

 

Hope you are doing well

 

Spray=paint?

 

I have thought about hosting paint nights...I've had a bunch of people ask about them...I might one day. I'd really like to focus on furthering my own art...I feel like I keep doing other projects and losing focus on what I want.

 

Right now everything is going into Jays application for the fire department. He needs to take a 3 week EMT course that it's $4000...and do a few driving courses for large trucks and air brakes..he's trying to get his application to be perfect...he went to an info session last week and they said they're expecting 3-4 thousand applicants. The good news is, Jay is a great applicant, he has pretty much exactly what they're looking for....so fingers crossed all of this is going to get him where he wants to be.

 

So last week Tine was diagnosed with ADHD. Which I thought was great- not the diagnosis, but actually being diagnosed this young...because it's good to know. We can deal with it. So I told her dad about it and he seemed okay with everything....but then his gf came over and told me how "she has ADHD too, and she doesn't believe in meds. She just doesn't do things that she doesn't want to do." Problem solved lol. Except Tine is in school...and has to do things she doesn't want to do.

 

I feel so frustrated with his gf. She's the one that last year told me she'd take me to court (and get custody of Tine) if we had to move out of the city. I just wish she'd stop interfering so much. She doesn't even live in our country...like...mind your own business lol.

 

I guess I'm concerned that she'll say something to Tine and make her feel bad about taking meds. I don't want her to sway Tine from doing something that could benefit her immensely.

 

Other than that...life has been good. I've done a ton of gardening (which makes me happy)...I haven't been painting as much as I'd like to...but hopefully will be again when Jay goes back in the field.

[faraday]

My newsfeed is full of what happened in Charlottesville and every time I read another article I feel my throat tighten and my eyes sting. I am livid that the world has racist as*holes in it...that are grave enough to come out and protest in public. With their tiki torches. Wt f is wrong with people? Why were there so many young people in that? When I think of racists, I think of old people from small towns. Old people that grew up when there was segregation. But I guess it shouldn't be a surprise with all of the police shootings...idk why I am surprised. I guess I don't see racism in my little bubble. Most of my neighbours are mixed race couples with one spouse that was raised somewhere foreign...and I've loved it. I get authentic samosas all the time. My neighbours are kind. Good people.

 

I'm scared. I'm scared for where we're going. I read news clips of the protest while at the waterpark with my daughter and her friend. We were surrounded by families that were laughing and playing...and many of them spoke different languages....but a child's laughter is the same in every language. The contrast between nazi protests and children's laughter was jarring, and I felt out of place at the park. I've been mourning since. I want to say something, say something public on business pages...I want to speak out and say, "this was so wrong" but idk how. I feel lost right now.

[faraday]

I've been feeling like...this isn't the place for me anymore. I'm just not connecting...Most of the journals that I followed are inactive...and the ones that I have posted in recently...I just seem to make people mad. I've checked out new threads...new journals...nothing is really catching my interest. My favourite people have moved on...and I think it's my time to do that as well. I just didn't want to disappear without saying something...I know there are so many posters on here where people have wondered where they went. I still wonder about some posters that have left....and some disappeared a few years ago. It's neat how we can connect like that with some people...their voices resonate within us long after they're gone. Best of luck to you all.